BPD Parent Experiences-- Projecting

[Depression = 72% of members]

Another member of the board suggested I share some experiences to help with feelings of isolation. Maybe some of you will be able to identify with what I share and if not, I think writing it out will at least help me to organize and process my thoughts. In particular, I want to talk about BPD parents projecting.

I think I first noticed this trait in my mother at a very young age. My mother has been married and divorced several times (6 marriages and a few more engagements that didn't go through). She has a very rocky relationship with both her parents (left home when she was 17 after she got pregnant with me) and she seems to always be fighting with one or more of her siblings/complaining about the way they treat her (i.e. She is not appreciated enough, they are rude to her, she doesn't care if she has a relationship with them ect.) As a child, when my mother would rage the hardest part about it wasn't the yelling, or the hitting but the hurtful things she would say to me.

"No one likes you."

"You are a horrible person"

"No one will ever want to stay married to you."

"You treat people like crap"

"You are going to end up alone"

Along with your generic, "You're a piece of sh*T" "I don't want to be your mother anymore" "I don't want anything to do with you" ect... .

I could see that these things were mirror images of her own behaviors and relationships, especially considering she had been saying these things to me since I was very young, but that didn't stop them from hurting. It was like every friendship that ended badly, every break up in high school, they were all confirmation of things she had been telling me my entire life. Like maybe something IS really wrong with me? Maybe I really WILL end up alone. Deep down I felt that these things were not true but there has always been that side of me that wondered.

Now, as an adult with a happy marriage I still find that voice creeping back into my head. It's like I need everyone to always like me and to never be mad at me or dislike me because in my head if they DO even momentarily, that must mean that they hate me and I am a terrible person. Again... .RATIONALLY I have been able to recognize that these thoughts are not true but the irrational part of my brain takes over, especially at night when I try to sleep.

Some other experiences I remember from my childhood with my mom... .One time in the 2nd grade I told my best friend that I was getting her something with Spongebob on it for Christmas ( she asked for a hint ) When my mom picked me up from school I was excited to tell her how badly my friend wanted to know what I got her so I gave her a hint that it was Spongebob. For some reason, this sent my mom into a rage? She punched me repeatedly in the leg as hard as she could until I was sobbing and then made fun of me for crying. I remember trying to hard not to cry because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she had gotten to me but she just kept hitting me in the same spot over and over. I couldn't take it anymore. She then told me I couldn't give my friend a gift anymore because I had ruined the surprise... .equally embarassing after I had already told her how excited I was to give her a present. I remember things like this happening all the time, I would do/say something that I didn't think was wrong and it would result in being beaten, yelled at, insulted and then BLAMED for it. My mother would always come to me after a rage and say "I'm sorry that I had to do that but you made me act that way by... .(insert reason here)"

Anyone else's BPD parent use that line? It kills me. IT's NOT an apology. But it sounds like one on the surface... .so frustrating. As I got older her behavior made me distrust her. One time on my birthday she took me and a friend to the mall and told us to wait there while she went to cash my birthday check from my grandma so I could go shopping... .She left me there and never came back. Never answered her phone. She went to her boyfriend's daughter's birthday party and my aunt had to come pick me and my friend up from the mall. When I confronted her about it she blamed me and said that she left because I didn't want her there anyway (completely ignoring the part about how she took my birthday money and left me there with no way to buy anything or even get home) She then accused me of being selfish and ungrateful because she had taken me to breakfast that morning.

Now as an adult, when we are on speaking terms my mother complains that I am cold to her and that we do not have a good relationship because I don't treat her well. Her raging has become less frequent so often times I don't have a recent concrete reason for not being warm or friendly to her but in general I just feel very distrustful of her. A few times I have tried to force myself to share things with her in an attempt to make our relationship closer, but when she eventually has a break down she will bring things up that I have shared with her to insult me or embarass me or make me feel guilty. So I just don't tell her anything about me. But it is sad because I feel like a mother should be the person you can tell anything to. Aren't they supposed to be the one person you can always count on to be on your side?

[bbrinadee]

Another member of the board suggested I share some experiences to help with feelings of isolation. Maybe some of you will be able to identify with what I share and if not, I think writing it out will at least help me to organize and process my thoughts. In particular, I want to talk about BPD parents projecting.

I think I first noticed this trait in my mother at a very young age. My mother has been married and divorced several times (6 marriages and a few more engagements that didn't go through). She has a very rocky relationship with both her parents (left home when she was 17 after she got pregnant with me) and she seems to always be fighting with one or more of her siblings/complaining about the way they treat her (i.e. She is not appreciated enough, they are rude to her, she doesn't care if she has a relationship with them ect.) As a child, when my mother would rage the hardest part about it wasn't the yelling, or the hitting but the hurtful things she would say to me.

"No one likes you."

"You are a horrible person"

"No one will ever want to stay married to you."

"You treat people like crap"

"You are going to end up alone"

Along with your generic, "You're a piece of sh*T" "I don't want to be your mother anymore" "I don't want anything to do with you" ect... .

I could see that these things were mirror images of her own behaviors and relationships, especially considering she had been saying these things to me since I was very young, but that didn't stop them from hurting. It was like every friendship that ended badly, every break up in high school, they were all confirmation of things she had been telling me my entire life. Like maybe something IS really wrong with me? Maybe I really WILL end up alone. Deep down I felt that these things were not true but there has always been that side of me that wondered.

Now, as an adult with a happy marriage I still find that voice creeping back into my head. It's like I need everyone to always like me and to never be mad at me or dislike me because in my head if they DO even momentarily, that must mean that they hate me and I am a terrible person. Again... .RATIONALLY I have been able to recognize that these thoughts are not true but the irrational part of my brain takes over, especially at night when I try to sleep.

Some other experiences I remember from my childhood with my mom... .One time in the 2nd grade I told my best friend that I was getting her something with Spongebob on it for Christmas ( she asked for a hint ) When my mom picked me up from school I was excited to tell her how badly my friend wanted to know what I got her so I gave her a hint that it was Spongebob. For some reason, this sent my mom into a rage? She punched me repeatedly in the leg as hard as she could until I was sobbing and then made fun of me for crying. I remember trying to hard not to cry because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she had gotten to me but she just kept hitting me in the same spot over and over. I couldn't take it anymore. She then told me I couldn't give my friend a gift anymore because I had ruined the surprise... .equally embarassing after I had already told her how excited I was to give her a present. I remember things like this happening all the time, I would do/say something that I didn't think was wrong and it would result in being beaten, yelled at, insulted and then BLAMED for it. My mother would always come to me after a rage and say "I'm sorry that I had to do that but you made me act that way by... .(insert reason here)"

Anyone else's BPD parent use that line? It kills me. IT's NOT an apology. But it sounds like one on the surface... .so frustrating. As I got older her behavior made me distrust her. One time on my birthday she took me and a friend to the mall and told us to wait there while she went to cash my birthday check from my grandma so I could go shopping... .She left me there and never came back. Never answered her phone. She went to her boyfriend's daughter's birthday party and my aunt had to come pick me and my friend up from the mall. When I confronted her about it she blamed me and said that she left because I didn't want her there anyway (completely ignoring the part about how she took my birthday money and left me there with no way to buy anything or even get home) She then accused me of being selfish and ungrateful because she had taken me to breakfast that morning.

Now as an adult, when we are on speaking terms my mother complains that I am cold to her and that we do not have a good relationship because I don't treat her well. Her raging has become less frequent so often times I don't have a recent concrete reason for not being warm or friendly to her but in general I just feel very distrustful of her. A few times I have tried to force myself to share things with her in an attempt to make our relationship closer, but when she eventually has a break down she will bring things up that I have shared with her to insult me or embarass me or make me feel guilty. So I just don't tell her anything about me. But it is sad because I feel like a mother should be the person you can tell anything to. Aren't they supposed to be the one person you can always count on to be on your side?

[Kwamina]

Hi bbrinadee

I am very sorry your mother treated you this way. Her behavior was definitely very abusive and hurtful. You were just a child and the words from one's parent can really hurt a child.

Based on your post it seems you've internalized your mother's negative critical voice. This is something many children who have been abused by their parents struggle with. We have a thread here about dealing with automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic that you might find helpful:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

It's very hard when you continually hear things like "I'm sorry that I had to do that but you made me act that way by... .(insert reason here)". When your mother said those things, she was basically blaming you for her abusive behavior. My own mother did similar things, like playing the victim after I got mad because she was verbally and emotionally abusive. She for instance would say something like "Are you a good boy again?" or when confronted would act as if she hadn't done anything wrong, couldn't remember, that it was my own fault or that she for whatever reason was a victim (of life) and now I was basically re-victimizing her. These are tough things to deal with and very confusing as a child because you start to doubt yourself and wonder if you perhaps really are a 'bad' person as your mother is telling you.

But it is sad because I feel like a mother should be the person you can tell anything to. Aren't they supposed to be the one person you can always count on to be on your side?

It is sad indeed. It can be very difficult to accept that your parent has BPD because accepting this reality also means letting go of the kind loving 'fantasy' parent you never had, still don't have and unfortunately likely won't ever have. This kind of acceptance is very hard indeed. Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the reality that your mother has BPD and what it means for the relationship it is possible to have with her? Do you feel like you've been able to let go or at least start to let go of the 'fantasy' parent?

Take care