UNBPD Mother refuses to get her own FB account, but posts as my father on his.

[sisterofbpd]

UGH, I'm not sure if I'm being too annoyed by this or not.  My NBPD mother will not get her own Facebook account, however she logs onto my father's daily and posts things as him.  Some times referring to herself in the third person to brag.  For example, she got an 80% on some German FB quiz and posts from my Dad's account "NBP mom got an 80% on this, 18 out of 20!" Things like that.  I can tell when it's her posting this, but other people cannot.  She also will share old family friends pictures, (people that we haven't seen in 20 years) if they have their kid's wedding pictures posted, she will share it with no explaining at all (which I find creepy).  She even did this post bragging about her "father-in-law" again as my father so she was bragging about her Dad.  I showed my brother these posts and he was livid.  A couple of weeks before this I asked my Mom if she would like me to help create her own account or add her name to my father's since she is on there more than him.  Her response was "I'm not ready for that yet."

She really drives me nuts, both in person and online.  It really sucks because my Dad just had two heart procedures and I would like to spend time with him, but that means spending it with her as well and I can only take her in small doses.  Most the time when  I call the house she either gets on the other line to listen in, and chimes in only when it will benefit her (otherwise she'll just ease drop) and when I call my Dad on his cell phone she makes him put it on speaker. 

This past week when I was in the hospital room waiting for him to be out of his second procedure I had to sit there with my Mom for a half an hour listening to how my views on things are wrong (mainly religious things that she hides behind, she doesn't have a charitable bone in her body) she informs me how I will go to hell and so will my DDs 10 & 12 because we do not follow in all of her beliefs.  She also brags about other people (like said old friends who she shared pics of on FB) and insinuating how they are SO much better than me and my brother.

A constant subject of discussion with my parents is who will inherit what.  It's excessive and comes up in EVERY family get together to the point where it is beyond annoying.  They are not rich, my Mom his a hoarder who has a TON of nick-nacks and things like that.  During that same time in the hospital visit, she says "Well I take care of my things, and I want who ever gets my things will take care of it as well." Implying that I do not take care of my things.  I honestly don't want any of her crap, I associate her things as her and it drives me nuts, does anyone else feel this way about their PWBPD's possessions? 

Sorry for the vent.

[Turkish]

I'd be annoyed by this, too. However, even given your dad's health condition, it's his boundary to assert or own.

Have you thought about being honest with your mom about her stuff? I could probably glean a little value from my mom's hoard, but it isn't worth the physical or emotional work. Stating that might be JADEing, but you can certainly be BIFF, "don't want your stuff, mom," or no response. It's hard to validate an obesession/attachment.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if this helps or not, but I've experienced something similar. My father has been deceased for years, and my mother still uses his e mail address. It isn't because she is sentimental. I think it is because she doesn't see boundaries between her and the people in her life.

My mother hangs on to his possessions while also complaining bitterly about how they are messing up her house. We have offered to come get them many times but she won't let us have them. This is in part, I think, her fear of abandonment- she thinks that if she doesn't have them, we won't come to see her, but that isn't the reason we visit her. She has a pattern of asking us what we want, and if we tell her, then that is the object she refuses to give us.

She constantly criticizes things she knows nothing about. She was critical of many of my choices when I was a teen, and now she is doing the same thing with my kids.

I faced a similar situation as you when my father was ill. I was desperate to see him, yet, being with him subjected me to my mother's verbal abuse. She also listened in on every conversation we had together, in person or on the phone. Once he asked us to help him get some of his personal things together and she stood there and screamed at us while we were trying to help. We were not able to be with him alone.

If I stood up to her, then she would run to him about it, and he would get angry at me. Considering the circumstances, I didn't want to upset him. However, as Turkish said, it was his boundary to set, and this is the situation he established. On my part, I felt sad that I didn't see him more, or do more for him, but I could only do as much as I could handle.

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Turkish,

I'd be annoyed by this, too. However, even given your dad's health condition, it's his boundary to assert or own.

Oh I totally agree, and he doesn't like it at all, but is afraid to stand up to her.  Again, this is something he needs to handle.  I'm just annoyed by the shadiness of it all.  She basically is using his identity online.  Today she posted a negative post about one of the Presidential Candidates that my Dad likes.

Have you thought about being honest with your mom about her stuff? I could probably glean a little value from my mom's hoard, but it isn't worth the physical or emotional work. Stating that might be JADEing, but you can certainly be BIFF, "don't want your stuff, mom," or no response. It's hard to validate an obesession/attachment.

What is BIFF?

I don't know if this helps or not, but I've experienced something similar. My father has been deceased for years, and my mother still uses his e mail address. It isn't because she is sentimental. I think it is because she doesn't see boundaries between her and the people in her life.

Agreed, and it's so annoying.

My mother hangs on to his possessions while also complaining bitterly about how they are messing up her house. We have offered to come get them many times but she won't let us have them. This is in part, I think, her fear of abandonment- she thinks that if she doesn't have them, we won't come to see her, but that isn't the reason we visit her. She has a pattern of asking us what we want, and if we tell her, then that is the object she refuses to give us.

Just last week my Mom was telling me how my daughter loved this one Christmas decoration of hers and went on about it for 5 min and then said, "I think it should go to your brother."  I was like "What?"  It was just weird.

She constantly criticizes things she knows nothing about. She was critical of many of my choices when I was a teen, and now she is doing the same thing with my kids.

I experienced this too and am now starting to see her do this with my kids.  Unfortunately we have to keep our distance for this reason.

I faced a similar situation as you when my father was ill. I was desperate to see him, yet, being with him subjected me to my mother's verbal abuse. She also listened in on every conversation we had together, in person or on the phone. Once he asked us to help him get some of his personal things together and she stood there and screamed at us while we were trying to help. We were not able to be with him alone.

It's beyond infuriating.  She never wants anything to do with us if it includes any effort on her part, but God forbid we want to talk or visit our Dad without her nosing in.

If I stood up to her, then she would run to him about it, and he would get angry at me. Considering the circumstances, I didn't want to upset him. However, as Turkish said, it was his boundary to set, and this is the situation he established. On my part, I felt sad that I didn't see him more, or do more for him, but I could only do as much as I could handle.

My mom would do the same. 

[Notwendy]

I don't know how to explain it other than this is how my mother coped with my fathers illness and his death. This was one of the toughest and heartbreaking times for me to go through. I was not as familiar with the family dynamics of BPD at the time. I knew Dads time was short. I struggled between wanting to spend time with him while being able to manage my own family and sanity. I recognized that if I did not take steps to protect myself from the emotional difficulty of dealing with her, that I could not be emotionally present for my kids. I chose to protect my sanity.

One thing I did learn is that even if it was difficult and sad- self care is essential.

I also learner that I could not intervene in my mothers decisions so long as my father stood by them.

When he was sick, he gave me and siblings -his e mail password to check his messages. My mother didn't use his e mail on her own. He would e mail people for her and let her read the messages. After he died it was comforting to read some of the things he wrote. It was an insight into who he was. Then she asked for the password from one of us- she went in and deleted all the messages, changed the password,(we don't know it )and now she uses it as her own.

[Notwendy]

Or she may have had his password, since I also found out that she read, at the time, the emails I sent him. She doesn't have Facebook but has family members keep her informed of anything my family posts. We don't post anything personal on social media anyway.

It is what it is. I think boundaries and self care are important. Take care of yourself. Also, know that there isn't anything you can do about their relationship, so as much as you can, let your father know you love him, even under the circumstances. I called him frequently. I knew she was listening. I knew not to say things that may result in her raging at him after the call. It was sad that he could not speak freely to me, but I could only do the best I could while protecting my sanity. It's the best you can do too 

[maryy16]

My undiagnosed mother-in-law does this with emails. She uses her husband's email account and even signs his name. She'll talk about herself in the third person as if he's the one writing it. But, she doesn't do this all the time, so I can never figure out prompts her to write it as herself or as her husband.

[GeekyGirl]

I get why this would be unnerving--my parents post from the same FB account too, and I've never understood why they don't have separate accounts. I can only imagine that this is a) laziness b) disinterest in spending the time it takes to manage a separate FB account c) distrust and desire to monitor all communication (I'm pretty sure that this is the case) or d) some combination of all of the other reasons. To be honest, I've found that it's not worth my time to try to figure it out--it's really between them.

I agree with Notwendy that it's up to your dad to set some boundaries of his own. That is hard to accept, though. You do need to take care of yourself, knowing that your communications with your dad will inevitably involve your mother. I know that's tough.

It's ok to be bothered by this. As you can see, you're definitely not alone. 

[sisterofbpd]

Or she may have had his password, since I also found out that she read, at the time, the emails I sent him. She doesn't have Facebook but has family members keep her informed of anything my family posts. We don't post anything personal on social media anyway.

It is what it is. I think boundaries and self care are important. Take care of yourself. Also, know that there isn't anything you can do about their relationship, so as much as you can, let your father know you love him, even under the circumstances. I called him frequently. I knew she was listening. I knew not to say things that may result in her raging at him after the call. It was sad that he could not speak freely to me, but I could only do the best I could while protecting my sanity. It's the best you can do too  Empathy

She insists on having his email password.  He doesn't like that and he doesn't like her using his FB account and he tells her so, but she rages at him and he can't handle it right now   I know there isn't much I can do about it, I'm just disgusted with her.  He asked her to let me set up her own FB account, or at least add her name to his so it isn't misleading and she said absolutely not.  I really don't understand her, she wants to hide behind his name.

I get why this would be unnerving--my parents post from the same FB account too, and I've never understood why they don't have separate accounts. I can only imagine that this is a) laziness b) disinterest in spending the time it takes to manage a separate FB account c) distrust and desire to monitor all communication (I'm pretty sure that this is the case) or d) some combination of all of the other reasons. To be honest, I've found that it's not worth my time to try to figure it out--it's really between them.

I agree with Notwendy that it's up to your dad to set some boundaries of his own. That is hard to accept, though. You do need to take care of yourself, knowing that your communications with your dad will inevitably involve your mother. I know that's tough.

It's ok to be bothered by this. As you can see, you're definitely not alone.

Oh I totally think she has distrust and the desire t monitor all communication.  When we were kids she used to have one of those old rotary phones in the basement that she removed the mouth piece to so she could listen into our and my father's phone calls.  Now that she doesn't have much control over my brother and I as we are adults she tries to monitor our conversations with our father.  On Christmas Eve I was in the livingroom talking with my dad while she was in the kitchen with her brother.  My mom is EXTREMELY lazy and won't walk across a room if you ask her, but she saw me talking with my dad and got up from her own conversation to walk into the livingroom to ask if me and my Dad were having a "Powwow" (who talks like this anyway?)  I'm just beyond irritated with her and truly don't understand how my father has stayed with her as long as he has.

[Notwendy]

 He asked her to let me set up her own FB account, or at least add her name to his so it isn't misleading and she said absolutely not.


One thing I learned about my parents is how triangles function in relationships. The drama triangle was a very helpful model. Two people in a dysfunctional relationship use triangulation to stabilize them. My parents were most affectionate with each other when, instead of being angry at each other, they could join forces and be angry at something together. If I stepped into the triangle- that person could be me.

By asking you to help your mother to do something he wants but isn't able or willing to do himself, he is asking you to do it for him. This is enabling. He is quite capable of doing this by himself. At any time, he could change the password to his account and tell her to get her own. He could help her do this himself. But he doesn't want to deal with the consequences.

My mother also listened in on the conversations I had with my father as well as read all his e mails.

Why he stayed with her, I don't know. Coming to terms with why he made the choices he did was difficult for me. I saw him as the "normal" parent, but this relationship must have met his needs in some way, or he would not have willingly enabled it.

From being in 12 step co-dependency groups, I learned about the history of AA. After AA got started and the alcoholics started getting sober, it became apparent that their wives ( and in that era it was men as alcoholics and wives as the enabling spouses) were actually hindering their recovery by being the caring, supportive spouses that it appeared they were. They then began to pay attention to the partners of the alcoholics, and the whole idea of enabling was expanded. With all the focus on the alcoholic, this phenomenon was not visible.

Like your family, all the focus was on mom with BPD and the problems she caused, but your father is her partner. They are together in this. It somehow works for them. Although we may not ever understand it, it isn't our place to get into their relationship. It is theirs to make choices about.

[sisterofbpd]

 

He asked her to let me set up her own FB account, or at least add her name to his so it isn't misleading and she said absolutely not.


One thing I learned about my parents is how triangles function in relationships. The drama triangle was a very helpful model. Two people in a dysfunctional relationship use triangulation to stabilize them. My parents were most affectionate with each other when, instead of being angry at each other, they could join forces and be angry at something together. If I stepped into the triangle- that person could be me.

By asking you to help your mother to do something he wants but isn't able or willing to do himself, he is asking you to do it for him. This is enabling. He is quite capable of doing this by himself. At any time, he could change the password to his account and tell her to get her own. He could help her do this himself. But he doesn't want to deal with the consequences.

My mother also listened in on the conversations I had with my father as well as read all his e mails.

Why he stayed with her, I don't know. Coming to terms with why he made the choices he did was difficult for me. I saw him as the "normal" parent, but this relationship must have met his needs in some way, or he would not have willingly enabled it.

From being in 12 step co-dependency groups, I learned about the history of AA. After AA got started and the alcoholics started getting sober, it became apparent that their wives ( and in that era it was men as alcoholics and wives as the enabling spouses) were actually hindering their recovery by being the caring, supportive spouses that it appeared they were. They then began to pay attention to the partners of the alcoholics, and the whole idea of enabling was expanded. With all the focus on the alcoholic, this phenomenon was not visible.

Like your family, all the focus was on mom with BPD and the problems she caused, but your father is her partner. They are together in this. It somehow works for them. Although we may not ever understand it, it isn't our place to get into their relationship. It is theirs to make choices about.

You're absolutely right on all of this.  I know my Dad isn't completely innocent here, he just is the more 'normal' parent.  I did tell them both I didn't want to get involved.  He does have this way about trash talking her when she isn't around, then defending her if we say something less than positive about her so he certainly enables her to an extent. 

[Notwendy]

My father did the same, but if we ever stepped in to intervene on his behalf, it became part of the drama. Dad could say something negative about mom to us, but if we said something to him, he stepped in as her rescuer and punished us.

When he was ill ( he is deceased) we naively stepped in to "rescue" him on many occasions. In all of them, it backfired in the following ways:

Mom would perceive us as the percecutor, herself as victim and then rage/punish us kids.

Mom would perceive us as acting on Dad's behalf, see him as persecutor and rage/punish him.  ( the opposite of what we were trying to achieve by rescuing him).

Mom would get upset and Dad, seeing her upset would rescue her from us and punish us.

and-  the two of them would join together being angry at us. This gave them some stability, but it was difficult for us to deal with emotionally.

I really loved my father and wished I could have helped him more, but I had to come to terms with that, for my own sanity, I could not participate in this triangle. I did not go NC, but I had to create some distance for myself. It was very hard, but it was also hard to be helpful and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know about BPD or the dynamics in my FOO. I just knew that I didn't want to be part of the dysfunction.