When uBPDmom calls about uPDbrother

[isshebpd]

I've been able to set up some boundaries with my uBPDmom so our relationship is much more functional these days. I point out "projection" or "scapegoating" when she tries to do it, and she backs off with some protest.

But what I still dread is when she calls me about my uPDbrother's latest meltdown. He was a math/computer prodigy golden child when we were growing up (he's 8 years younger than me), but has been in a lot of conflict with our parents lately. They fear him (though they deny it) and can't seem to stand up to him when he disrupts their home. enDad just wishes he'd go away, but he's not calling the shots here.

Because my uPDbrother has violent tendencies (throwing furniture, punching walls etc.), it's hard not to respond when uBPDmom is in legitimate distress over uPDbrother's behaviour. But after these calls I have a bout of IBS and hit the bottle. I don't need the stress.

[Turkish]

These are legitimate concerns given your brother s violent behavior. Forget about the parent-child r/s: your parents are victims of domestic violence. I get that you want to detach from this, in a way, but are still concerned. Can you think of your mom and talk to her as if she were a member on the board in similar circumstances? You've been around long enough that you've probably seen it here. Her emotional state is probably not dissimilar.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Safety First

I'll be mostly off-board the next two days, but if you feel it may be right to approach her like this, I'll support you.

[isshebpd]

I don't know if this is the best time to rock the boat. My uPDbrother is trying to act better after an unfortunate incident a few months ago. He understands he screwed up, and has been trying to make amends.

Although he was hours late (as usual) for Christmas Dinner, he was more pleasant than normal.

[Suzn]

My uPDbrother is trying to act better after an unfortunate incident a few months ago. He understands he screwed up, and has been trying to make amends.

What happened and how was this resolved?

Timing is everything isn't it? Calmly talking over safety issues is best when things aren't chaotic. It could just be a simple discussion over developing a safety plan "just in case" for future reference.

[isshebpd]

My uPDbrother is trying to act better after an unfortunate incident a few months ago. He understands he screwed up, and has been trying to make amends.

What happened and how was this resolved?

Timing is everything isn't it? Calmly talking over safety issues is best when things aren't chaotic. It could just be a simple discussion over developing a safety plan "just in case" for future reference.

My uPDbro and an employee of our (FOO) family business had a fight ending in violence. My uPDbro threw an office chair in the direction of the employee. This was one of those swivel chairs with levers and knobs, so quite heavy. Thankfully, it never made contact, but the chair was damaged enough to be unusable. This happened on the premises of the family business, after hours, and after a few drinks. The family business is in the basement of our parent's house.

I had no idea they were partying in the family business, or I would have strongly objected (same for my sister). This is probably why I wasn't told about it, even though this had been going on for a while. The employee quit, and I will probably never hear his side of the story. My parents totally took uPDbro's side, as expected. I know my uPDbro and the ex-employee had a history of drinking together and getting into trouble (DWIs etc.)

The upside is they are no longer friends. My enDad has hired someone a lot better, without a drinking problem, and more reliable. uPDbro is still pretty much useless, but he's found better people to hang out with, apparently.

[isshebpd]

Follow-up:

I'm on speaking terms with my uPDbro again. I think he's trying to improve himself, and is maybe gaining some personal insight.

He told me he is now diagnosed with ADD, and is in therapy and taking medication. It's still difficult to be around him as he's very irritable, but I can now have a reasonable conversation with him. He thinks his ADD maybe a result of trauma early in his life. I told him things were particularly chaotic with uBPDmom when he was a baby (I was 8 or 9 at the time). I grew up fast at that time.

I'm pleased that he is being more picky about who he hangs around with. Nobody needs over a thousand Facebook friends. There are bound to be frenemies and ill-wishers with that many. I remember reading a theory about how having over a couple hundred FB friends is a bad sign (unless you're famous or something).

I'll see how he heals... .from a distance.