Help Not sure where to go on these boards

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I'm relatively new here (first time posting) and haven't been able to find the best areas of these boards for me.

I've been married almost 10 years to someone who shows traits of BPD or NPD, or maybe a mix of both. Long story short, I'm ready to leave. I still feel some love/affection on the most basic level but I'm not getting what I need from this relationship and the prospects look dismal that I ever really will. He has slowly destroyed my love, respect and trust in him over the years. I want a "real" relationship with someone who can be a real partner to me. I'm exhausted and done.

Through the years, I have been crystal clear with him about what I need and about my unhappiness, but it's like he is unable to "hear" me, take accountability for his actions, admit blame for anything or understand how his actions have hurt the marriage. Though he is a lot better than he used to be (outbursts and weird behavior are less frequent), "less bad" doesn't equal "good."

I could go on for pages and pages describing his behavior, but in short, his most constant behaviors are the above lack of accountability coupled with total denial--acting like nothing is wrong and like we have a wonderful marriage. Even minutes after a serious fight, he will act like it never happened and seem surprised and be angry that I feel differently.

There is much, much more I could write about my situation but mine is a "preparing to leave" situation and I don't see any category like that here on the boards. Can anyone direct me?

Many thanks for reading, and for your guidance.

[booklover25]

Hello,

I'm relatively new here (first time posting) and haven't been able to find the best areas of these boards for me.

I've been married almost 10 years to someone who shows traits of BPD or NPD, or maybe a mix of both. Long story short, I'm ready to leave. I still feel some love/affection on the most basic level but I'm not getting what I need from this relationship and the prospects look dismal that I ever really will. He has slowly destroyed my love, respect and trust in him over the years. I want a "real" relationship with someone who can be a real partner to me. I'm exhausted and done.

Through the years, I have been crystal clear with him about what I need and about my unhappiness, but it's like he is unable to "hear" me, take accountability for his actions, admit blame for anything or understand how his actions have hurt the marriage. Though he is a lot better than he used to be (outbursts and weird behavior are less frequent), "less bad" doesn't equal "good."

I could go on for pages and pages describing his behavior, but in short, his most constant behaviors are the above lack of accountability coupled with total denial--acting like nothing is wrong and like we have a wonderful marriage. Even minutes after a serious fight, he will act like it never happened and seem surprised and be angry that I feel differently.

There is much, much more I could write about my situation but mine is a "preparing to leave" situation and I don't see any category like that here on the boards. Can anyone direct me?

Many thanks for reading, and for your guidance.

[ForeverDad]

This is the family law board, excellent for your legal concerns, options and strategies.  Since you don't have children then custody and parenting won't be the hot-button issues.  (Don't minimize the complications that having children together can cause when unwinding the relationship.)

The leaving board could be helpful as well.  I believe it was renamed to Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship.

We understand why you tried and tried, it's in our nature.  But there comes a time that we have to face the reality that since the other hasn't improved, such as with meaningful therapy, that we have to reassess where we are and where we want to be.

To start, what would be helpful for us is to know how obstructive or sabotaging your spouse would be in a divorce.  I think a lot of your questions can be answered by an experienced proactive attorney familiar with you local courts and the state laws.  Feel free to seek out more than one for their suggestions, just remember to emphasize that your H is very likely to obstruct and sabotage your efforts for a simple divorce.

I think that's something to remember.  If the marriage fails, he may want to blame you as the culprit.  Understand you can't reason with someone who's not listening.  For the most part you can leave the legal matters in the lawyer's hands if you can't deal with your spouse, just make sure you and your lawyer are on the same page.  Your spouse is likely to (1) blame you and/or (2) try to weaken your resolve to divorce.  Understand that courts will not force you to stay married.  If you want a divorce, they will make it happen, the most he can do is delay it.  If that happens just weather the storm and make sure you're protecting yourself emotionally and legally.  Do you have the SPLITTING handbook by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger?

[livednlearned]

Hi booklover25,

Welcome  

I'm sorry your marriage is on its last legs. It's hard to end these relationships, even when we're clear that it's the right thing to do. You can post on multiple boards -- like ForeverDad mentioned, Leaving is a good board, especially to help detach emotionally and psychologically. And this is an important board for anyone going through the divorce process -- no one here is a lawyer and there is no legal advice, but there is a lot of collective wisdom about how BPD impacts the divorce process.

Bill Eddy (the author of Splitting that FD mentioned) writes about high-conflict personalities (HCPs). If your husband is an HCP, the divorce process will be tough. Not all people with BPD are HCPs, although all HCPs have a personality disorder, recruit negative advocates, are persuasive blamers, and have a target of blame (you). Most of the people on this board (though not all) are dealing with HCPs, and that means very high-conflict divorces (especially when custody is involved). Even if your husband is not high-conflict, many of the strategies we have learned can apply.

Eddy also talks about different degrees of severity for people with a personality disorder:

generally cooperative; not dangerous

not cooperative; not dangerous

not cooperative; dangerous

How would you describe your husband?

I found these boards after divorcing my ex (BPD/NPD) husband, and it changed my life to find support for something as confusing and painful as a high-conflict divorce. I'm so glad you found this place now while you're in the planning stages. You aren't alone and people here understand. We'll walk with you and be here when you need us.

These links may be of some comfort to you, since they are written by other members here going through similar things:

Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce

ARTICLE: Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.

POLL: The Emotional Roller Coaster of Divorce

Few divorcing people find it easy to see or accept their own feelings of guilt and shame. These powerful negative feelings often remain under the radar, hidden and invisible, where they do the most harm. Strong feelings of guilt or shame can make it difficult or impossible to take in more balanced information, to maintain your perspective, and to consider realistically your best alternatives for how to resolve problems. Guilt can cause spouses to feel they have no right to ask for what they need in a divorce, causing them to negotiate unbalanced, unrealistic settlements they later regret.

US: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

Where are you going? It's important to see healing as a process and to constantly be marking your progress. You need to know where you are going and the pathway there if you are ever going to reach healing. Without this, many just get stuck in a stage without realizing that it is a stage. You may not experience grieving stages in one fluid order. An event will trigger us to experience one of these stages again - like hearing your ex-partner is to remarry.

TOOLS: Exiting a BPD relationship

Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from someone with BPD (or someone who is abusive) because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, the person with BPD has isolated the non from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs.

PERSPECTIVES: Our emotional health

After riding the roller-coaster your emotional system is out of whack. Things don't feel normal anymore and you have lost a solid feeling what normal is. A therapist certainly can help here. Some tricks from the DBT toolbox can be beneficial too. Emotional balance can be enhanced through mindfulness.



LnL

[booklover25]

Thank you very much for the references--I will read the articles and check them all out!