Fear of abandonment without BPD

[Pina colada]

I have never been diagnosed with BPD nor do I fit the criteria.  I do, however, have a fear of abandonment and do not like to be alone for a long period of time.  I do need solitude though at times.  It seems like a big contradiction of everything though.  It is possible to fear abandonment and not be Borderline, right?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Pina colada,

It is possible to have a fear of abandonment and not be a BPD sufferer. People with codependent or dependent traits commonly have abandonment fears.  Also, people with abandonment fears tend to have an anxious attachment style.

I have abandonment fears and separation anxiety myself. I was diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder, which of the diagnostic criteria is the inability to be alone. I only am "triggered" by certain people in my life. 

Is this something that you have felt for the majority of your life?  Have you ever explored the origin of the abandonment fears?

[fromheeltoheal]

Every human on the planet 'fears abandonment' on some level, we're social animals after all, and can't survive without each other.  Humans have spent 99% of our evolutionary time as hunter/gatherers, where being part of a tribe was everything, mandatory, our survival literally depended on it, and flash forward to modern times where infants who aren't given enough physical touch and nurturing after they were born could die from a 'failure to thrive'.  And to make things fun, in addition to the need for connection we all have a need to be unique, significant in some way, opposing needs, and finding the balance is one of the challenges of life.  And every human wonders on some level if we are worthy of love, lovable, some more than others and more at some times than others, strongly connected to how we were raised, and to be 'left' by someone can feel like confirmation that no, we're not lovable, but that can be reframed as we are totally lovable, first by ourselves, and the fact that a relationship didn't work out is not a reflection on our lovableness, the relationship between two lovable people just didn't work out.

But contrast that with a borderline, someone without a fully formed 'self' of their own, someone who seeks attachments to make themselves 'whole', and someone who can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment, that's beyond feeling lonely, not connected to the tribe, or a failure of two autonomous individuals to make a relationship between them work, in fact in the case of a borderline there is no 'between them' because to them it's one person.  :)oes any of that resonate Pina?

[unicorn2014]

I have never been diagnosed with BPD nor do I fit the criteria.  I do, however, have a fear of abandonment and do not like to be alone for a long period of time.  I do need solitude though at times.  It seems like a big contradiction of everything though.  It is possible to fear abandonment and not be Borderline, right?

You can have BPD traits without having the disorder. You could also be an adult child. Have you checked out the coping board?

[Pina colada]

I have always felt alone as though no one has been there for me and my sister is BPD so it is in my family.  I am sure it is from my childhood.  I will check the coping board and see what I fin.  thank you!

[Pina colada]

I am familiar with the coping board.  I just think I am an adult that does not like being alone... .I just wondered what it meant or it others feel this way too.

[unicorn2014]

Pina colada there is a laundry list of traits that an adult child has, one of them includes clinging to relationships to avoid painful feelings of abandonment. I can see if I can link to that list if you are interested.

[Pina colada]

Yes!  Thanks unicorn

[unicorn2014]

www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

[Pina colada]

Well neither one of my parents were alcoholics although I can identify with some traits on the laundry list.  I will have to look deeper into this as I would like to get to the root of this... .I will talk to my therapist about it too. 

[unicorn2014]

Alcoholics and dysfunctional families

[Pina colada]

Dysfunctional yes.  I had no idea there was a correlation.  I do see some traits but not all.  I need to learn more about why I hate losing anything... .Thank you for pointing me in this direction.  Therapy tomorrow so it will help!

[unicorn2014]

You're welcome! Let us know how it goes!