New Years email?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Happy New Year All! I've been getting emails from my stbx all day about closing an account and changing some bank issues. I asked him why he was so mean to me on Xmas when he is the one that wanted out of the marriage. He never responded! Then a little bit ago he sent me an email wishing me a happy new year. He said "I hope 2016 is a great year for you."I wrote back and said its got to be better than the last ten! Why do I feel like the jerk? Then he said good for you with a wink face- I then said don't you have your harem to talk to? Why are you emailing me? I just don't understand him! If he is so happy with his pregnant gf then why bother me? We have 18 days - then I file for divorce.

[Herodias]

Happy New Year All! I've been getting emails from my stbx all day about closing an account and changing some bank issues. I asked him why he was so mean to me on Xmas when he is the one that wanted out of the marriage. He never responded! Then a little bit ago he sent me an email wishing me a happy new year. He said "I hope 2016 is a great year for you."I wrote back and said its got to be better than the last ten! Why do I feel like the jerk? Then he said good for you with a wink face- I then said don't you have your harem to talk to? Why are you emailing me? I just don't understand him! If he is so happy with his pregnant gf then why bother me? We have 18 days - then I file for divorce.

[blanchard]

You should consider yourself the luckiest person on the planet that he has decided to contaminate someone else's life for a while. 

Why would you want to understand something that is inherently chaotic? 

You can't, and you'd be doing yourself a tremendous disservice by attempting to do so.

Do yourself a favour and block all avenues of communication with him forever. 

[Mutt]

Happy New Year  

It sounds like he was anxious if he was emailing you all day. What were the emails about? Is he asking to not close the accounts?

[Kelli Cornett]

Be glad that chick ain't you!

[Herodias]

Mutt, yes... .we have one joint account open that he transfers alimony payments through to me. I discussed closing it and using a new bank option to do so, since I do not want to have an account with him after our divorce. I guess he has now decided it is a good idea. Sometimes I don't know if he just looks for an excuse to talk to me or if he thinks he is being responsible. I am glad he is willing to do that. We will attempt this option today, then go ahead and close the account if it works out. It should be fine. I think he was working most of the night and the gf has to sleep for work at 4am. Maybe he has no one to wish happy new year too. I think he may be figuring out that our marriage may not have been as bad as he thought... .he has gotten himself in a stickier situation with a baby on the way... .he would always be upset if I wasn't up to drinking with him and partying... .I can't imagine she is going to feel that way any more at all. I wonder if he will ever tell me he knows he made a big mistake. I always think their pride gets in the way, and the thought that they may be pushed away would stop them as well. When he told me I could "take him back" and I didn't jump into it... .then that I could be a part of his life with his new baby, I wasn't exactly jumping at that chance either. I always wanted him to beg me back and tell me he really sees the errors of his ways... .I guess that's not going to happen and we will divorce soon. Maybe he is happier... .It's just not what I read here. Personally, a baby taking all his ff's attention away from him for starters is bad for him, yet alone crying, screaming, diapers and responsibility. I just shutter at the thought and yes, I am glad it is not me. She will have to pay for the mistakes she made for the rest of her life... .either dealing with him or raising a fatherless child (however it turns out) It is just a matter of time.

[thisworld]

Blue Hi *Hi!

I know that feeling, of feeling like a jerk. In my psychology, it's related with feeling rejected at some point and that point it is so predictable with my ex with BPD/NPD+++++ Actually, it's so systematic that it's almost funny. I think you may be going to into something similar with your stbx, too. Bait from them, we join in (with our emotions), the moment they sense that we have emotions (positive or negative, any will do for them) they reject us emotionally. And of course we feel like jerks because we didn't expect this:)) The question is: why do we keep on putting ourselves into these situations expecting different results? What is it that we need to say enough is enough, I'm practicing my right to protect myself future trauma. I mean, we know these guys have the ability to make us feel crazy like this, right? What have they done to change themselves? (It's not like they went through a journey of self discovery with the help of an expert etc etc and we are failing to notice, is it?) So, if they haven't changed, why do we expect different results? We are doomed to feel like jerks until a) we completely detach emotionally b)stop putting ourselves in situations where we can feel like jerks. I for one know that my ex is beyond the point of receiving "credit of doubt" from me.

I stopped feeling like a jerk when I dropped any, ANY emotional expectation from my ex. It's very liberating.

You say "I asked him why he was so mean to me on Xmas when he is the one that wanted out of the marriage." Do you have an expectation that because he wanted out, he should at least be thoughtful? He simply isn't Herodias. You have that empathetic capacity, does he really?

Do you feel like a jerk because he has the face to wish you a good year after all he has done? He may have done this for 200 reasons (some positive, some negative, some simply oblivious) but if you don't want it, you can protect yourself by emotionally detaching.

You said, "don't you have your harem to talk to?" I soo know this feeling, whenever my ex writes to me about his suffering, I want to say the same, anger roars in me. I want to say "go and ask for help from your confidante you idiot, in your face!" I think it's deep down related with feeling that they chose these harems over us. But really, do we have the right to tell them who to talk to? Isn't that a bit controlling? They are talking to us because we are talking to them! If we feel that they don't deserve talking to us, we should stop talking to them. Simple. We should stop being available for things we don't enjoy.

What he is doing is not about happiness or unhappiness. Both women are releasing the tension he feels with the other one. It's not a sign that he is unhappy with her, either.

I think, in the end of the day, it really is not about them. It's about us. We have to find ways of making ourselves comfortable no matter what they do.  Our body releases toxins when we are stressed like this. We get addicted to adrenalin highs, we lose our health. If there is an alcohol problem in the equation, we are second hand drinkers, its effects are comparable to drinking. We will seriously end up ill if we don't protect ourselves from this crazy making thing.

Hugs