Why do we really want them?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Happy New Year

I often times (when reconciliating with my exBPDgf) ask myself the same question. What is there to miss? Now, from the beginning, it was never like this. I fell in love with this girl and tried and did my part. But after being ignored and emotionally abused for so long, it came easier to leave. And when I did, I'd find myself beating myself up. Missing her, obsessing over her, acting as if the relationship was perfect and I somehow did something to mess that up. But more times than I can count, when she would come back around, step into my house, text me, I can literally feel this repulsive negative energy build up inside of me and it has me asking... .What the hell did I miss so much? My rational mind would tell me there's no way I want to be with this girl. This happened more times than I can count. And now I find myself crying and yearning for her again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? 

[FlyingJ]

Happy New Year

I often times (when reconciliating with my exBPDgf) ask myself the same question. What is there to miss? Now, from the beginning, it was never like this. I fell in love with this girl and tried and did my part. But after being ignored and emotionally abused for so long, it came easier to leave. And when I did, I'd find myself beating myself up. Missing her, obsessing over her, acting as if the relationship was perfect and I somehow did something to mess that up. But more times than I can count, when she would come back around, step into my house, text me, I can literally feel this repulsive negative energy build up inside of me and it has me asking... .What the hell did I miss so much? My rational mind would tell me there's no way I want to be with this girl. This happened more times than I can count. And now I find myself crying and yearning for her again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? 

[C.Stein]

You might want to do some research on trauma bonding if you haven't already.  It might shed some light on the "why".

[FlyingJ]

Thank you for that. I've read a few websites about trauma bonding and from what I read, this pretty much explains my situation. I often think that because the relationship (3 years) was so intense and anxiety prone, that I've almost come addicted to the anxiety rush. The adrenaline. The fight or flight mode. Some people crave this feeling by being adrenaline junkies. But I myself cannot stand the feeling of adrenaline. It makes me so sick. So in short, when everything's quiet and calm, I literally need something to give me anxiety.

Follow me or have I gone off the path of trauma bonds? I'm trying to figure it all out and I'm clouded so bare with me!

[donotunderstand]

Happy New Year

I often times (when reconciliating with my exBPDgf) ask myself the same question. What is there to miss? Now, from the beginning, it was never like this. I fell in love with this girl and tried and did my part. But after being ignored and emotionally abused for so long, it came easier to leave. And when I did, I'd find myself beating myself up. Missing her, obsessing over her, acting as if the relationship was perfect and I somehow did something to mess that up. But more times than I can count, when she would come back around, step into my house, text me, I can literally feel this repulsive negative energy build up inside of me and it has me asking... .What the hell did I miss so much? My rational mind would tell me there's no way I want to be with this girl. This happened more times than I can count. And now I find myself crying and yearning for her again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? 

Flying, 

I have the same problem now in my last 3 day. I just can't help it, not to cry for him. I know he did so traumatic things to me in those 2 years, but it seems I can't help it not to cry. Maybe because it hurts so much, he is now with my replacement in this time, and he forgot everything we had, everything I gave him, cause I gave him all my love I could even give to anyone, and he knew that well. And that hurts so much. I have red eyes of crying all the day, have napkins here by my side, listen to Coldplays, and just crying all my sadness out. We used to listen Coldplay together. I just think I wont find anyone to love so much as I did him. Could it be wourse? Will there be some light out there?

If I could be happy wright now... .

[Lonely_Astro]

Happy New Year

I often times (when reconciliating with my exBPDgf) ask myself the same question. What is there to miss? Now, from the beginning, it was never like this. I fell in love with this girl and tried and did my part. But after being ignored and emotionally abused for so long, it came easier to leave. And when I did, I'd find myself beating myself up. Missing her, obsessing over her, acting as if the relationship was perfect and I somehow did something to mess that up. But more times than I can count, when she would come back around, step into my house, text me, I can literally feel this repulsive negative energy build up inside of me and it has me asking... .What the hell did I miss so much? My rational mind would tell me there's no way I want to be with this girl. This happened more times than I can count. And now I find myself crying and yearning for her again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? 

Flying, 

I have the same problem now in my last 3 day. I just can't help it, not to cry for him. I know he did so traumatic things to me in those 2 years, but it seems I can't help it not to cry. Maybe because it hurts so much, he is now with my replacement in this time, and he forgot everything we had, everything I gave him, cause I gave him all my love I could even give to anyone, and he knew that well. And that hurts so much. I have red eyes of crying all the day, have napkins here by my side, listen to Coldplays, and just crying all my sadness out. We used to listen Coldplay together. I just think I wont find anyone to love so much as I did him. Could it be wourse? Will there be some light out there?

If I could be happy wright now... .

In time, the pain you feel now will ease.  The wound will close but you'll always carry the scar.  I've had 2 r/s with my pwBPD (J).  One was 4 months long 4 years ago, we were basically NC (we work together) for 3 years, and then started a new r/s that lasted a year.  If you want the gritty details, I have a thread on here (conflict need grounding), so I won't go super far into that.

But, after 3 months of pushing me away and keeping me in limbo, I told J I was going to stop talking to her for 2 months and heal after I found out she had been seeing someone else.  She had dated a guy back in July for a month behind my back and we split back then (we didn't stop talking though) and after a lot of begging/pleading from her, we got back together.  Being back together gave me a great month (Sept) but by Oct she had started the push that we never recovered from.  Her actions and words didn't match up.  She wouldn't even see me in person.  Don't get me wrong, a lot had been dumped in her lap around that time (started DBT, was officially served divorce papers, the anniversary of her grandparents death, and so on) but she was abusing me and seemed to not even care.

This past week was painful for me because she has been so lucid, so grounded.  I almost forgot all the deception she did this past year because of it.  But all the while she talked of how much she loves me and wants a future with me, she was "undecided" on fully leaving M (her husband she told me she was literally divorcing this entire year -which was a lie she admitted to), dated B in July (she minimized it this week by saying it "was only a couple of dinners and he always had a bunch of people around him so it wasn't like a "real date".  Never mind the fact he had sent her flowers at work during that period and lied to me when I asked about them), attempted reconciliation (again) with M without telling me, and had went on other dates with a new guy (R) in early December.  Plus, I still think she has some involvement with an ex of hers (N) that she was sleeping with 4 years ago and is the alleged reason her and M started having problems as well (according to others, the reason M separated from J was because he caught her cheating with N).  I say that because I, too, caught her having some sort of contact with J in April (he called her while I was holding her phone) and again in June when she pointed out he drove by while we were having lunch (she knows N is a sore spot for me because of what happened 4 years ago).

While she denies having anything to do with N (and continues to do so), I can't accept it.  I have several reasons to not.  But what I've taken away from our final talks is that our r/s wasn't viewed the same way, at all.  While I was being serious and honest with her, she saw me as using her and lying to her. "Not all the time, but sometimes" is what she said to me.  She couldn't grasp the idea that I actually love(d) her.  Even in the end, she told me how she loved me "beyond more than I could ever know, always would, and I need to move on with the knowledge that no matter what, at one person in this world would always love me."  That line cut deep because I know she meant it, in that moment.  That's what's so bad about it: I know she loves me, in her way, but she can't help but hurt me because she's unhealthy.

Will J always hold a special place in my heart (even with all the lies, unfaithfulness, and emotional abuse she's put me through)?  Absolutely.  She's a person, just like the rest of us, albeit a bit more broken than the rest of us.  One of the big problems is that J is high functioning, a chameleon if you will, so one will never truly know just how "bad" her BPD is.  In the moment of us parting, she was unbelievably kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, and so... .true.  But I also know that's just for this moment.  Was that J I saw an act?  No.  It was her, but the monster inside her is still there too.  That's what's so painful.  I want to be with her but I also know doing so would mean a life time of doubting her, her lying to me, emotionally cheating (at the very least) on me, and otherwise not being a healthy partner to me.  It's sad, but true.

I wanted to share my experience with you, from someone who's been through it twice, to let you know that it does get better... .with patience, time, and distance.

Good luck!

[C.Stein]

Don't get me wrong, a lot had been dumped in her lap around that time (started DBT, was officially served divorce papers, the anniversary of her grandparents death, and so on) but she was abusing me and seemed to not even care.

No excuses.  It shouldn't matter what is going on in a persons life when it comes to conducting yourself with integrity.  Certainly I can understand some leeway is deserved under some circumstances but when it comes to conducting yourself with integrity on fundamental issues there are no excuses.

[FlyingJ]

Flying, 

I have the same problem now in my last 3 day. I just can't help it, not to cry for him. I know he did so traumatic things to me in those 2 years, but it seems I can't help it not to cry. Maybe because it hurts so much, he is now with my replacement in this time, and he forgot everything we had, everything I gave him, cause I gave him all my love I could even give to anyone, and he knew that well. And that hurts so much. I have red eyes of crying all the day, have napkins here by my side, listen to Coldplays, and just crying all my sadness out. We used to listen Coldplay together. I just think I wont find anyone to love so much as I did him. Could it be wourse? Will there be some light out there?

If I could be happy wright now... .

Hang in there... Me and you are in the same boat. The holidays are by far the worst yet. The "final" breakup happened to me the first week of December. I surly knew she would be back but I knew in my head that I just couldn't do it anymore. The projection that was placed on me was nothing of what I was doing, but simply what she had been doing/guilty of/wanted. She couldn't bare the shame and guilt of straight up leaving me so in a way, she pushed and pushed and pushed until I said enough. But like I said she made damn sure she cleaned her plate of her "read between the lines" actions. So I was left with the guilt and shame. Just what she wanted... .She succeeded. Anywho, she never came back. Which puzzles me. Leaves me with all these unanswered questions. This girl would not take to be alone. She needed someone stroking her ego 25/8. It's been nearly a month and I haven't heard a peep. So to think about her with someone else makes me sick. It brings me to tears, the anxiety I feel is incredible and I fee like I'm suffocating. A quick search of her common username on google pulled up a dating website she was on. How long has that been going on behind my back? Questions I'll truly never know. You mentioned Coldplay. Simply hearing songs, doing things that we did together, I can't bear handle.

I started this thread because like I said I yearn for her when she's gone but the moment she's back, I repulse her and think why do I feel this way when we are apart?

I know she is the way she is and most of this is my personal problem that I'm doing everything I can to try and overcome. Come out stronger and start to try and feel better about the "game" being over. 

[izabellizima]

You mentioned Coldplay. Simply hearing songs, doing things that we did together, I can't bear handle.

I started this thread because like I said I yearn for her when she's gone but the moment she's back, I repulse her and think why do I feel this way when we are apart?

I know she is the way she is and most of this is my personal problem that I'm doing everything I can to try and overcome. Come out stronger and start to try and feel better about the "game" being over. 

Because when she is there you see HER because you're on to her game. When she is not there you remember the golden period and her fake self, the one she concocted to make herself desirable.

You may not be missing her. You may be missing yourself. Yourself before her, yourself with her. Yourself happy. Yes, she looked at me with the awesomeness of worship and lust, but that's about me, not her. She did cute things, had a cute laugh, came up with awesome witty retorts... .OTHER GIRLS CAN DO THAT TOO!

She could cook and she loved my dogs... .is that totally rare? I will take a girl who can't cook and who isn't as sweet to my pets if it means being able to have an adult conversation and a STABLE relationship where I do not feel like any minute she's going to leave because I've become boring or she needs drama to survive.

I want me back. When I get me back, maybe I will meet a nice girl who will want to make a life with me, not just pretend she wants to or change her mind about it every few months. If I do not meet her, if I have me I can at least say I am the center of my little world. Me. I am worthy of being my center! No one else should really be my center, come to think of it o.O

Make you the center, get confident, get it together. And I just wanna say, if you change your environment, even just the playlist to your life... .I am talking to you coldplay, you may think of other things.

I am pulling out my old cds. I am going to go back to the late 90s and I am going to listen to things she has no clue about. I am going back to me. Maybe you should remember what you used to listen to in  highschool or college and play that for a week. Just a thought?

[Lonely_Astro]

No excuses.  It shouldn't matter what is going on in a persons life when it comes to conducting yourself with integrity.  Certainly I can understand some leeway is deserved under some circumstances but when it comes to conducting yourself with integrity on fundamental issues there are no excuses.

Stein, you're absolutely correct.  I understand she sees/feels the world differently than I do.  I can see how a 'perfect storm' like those things would deregulate her, but I also see how she abused me so effortlessly.  At one point, I was extremely depressed and missed her so badly that I reached out to her and told her I needed her to come over (to just be near me, not sexually).  Her reply was "I'm sorry, I can't".  That was followed up with ST for the rest of the night and half of the next day where she said she was just dealing with to much to be there for me.  We, as "normal" humans, wouldn't have left anyone like that (rescuer type or not, if someone I claimed to be significant in my life reached out like that, I'd immediately be meeting them not saying I can't and ignore them).

I'm also under the impression (assumption?) that it was during this same time she was talking with M about getting back together.  She admitted she had had dinner with him and they talked about it but she could see it wouldn't work, so she left him for good.   Conveniently she couldn't remember when this had taken place, but my guess is it was the weekend of her birthday when she ignored me for an entire day saying she was having a (12hr long) birthday party with her family (that I wasn't invited to and she got mad because I didn't come, even though I hadn't been invited even after I asked if I could go).  That also coincides with when the push happened and a few weeks after that she was served papers at work.  :)uring this past week, I actually outright asked her what she was doing that day because that's when the push started and she suddenly couldn't recall the day (though her body language screamed deceit to me).  I'll forever believe that's when she had dinner with M, for her birthday, and who knows what happened.  Given her penchant for loopholes, I believe she slept with him that night because we were never physical again after that weekend (or ever saw each other in social setting after that, either).  I believe J doesn't sleep with multiple people at once (that's her line in the sand), but she'll have emotional affairs for sure.  I believe that she had "left" me and went back to M, so she 'technically' didn't sleep with anyone else during my time if you will.

Sad, but true.  

Hang in there... Me and you are in the same boat. The holidays are by far the worst yet. The "final" breakup happened to me the first week of December. I surly knew she would be back but I knew in my head that I just couldn't do it anymore. The projection that was placed on me was nothing of what I was doing, but simply what she had been doing/guilty of/wanted. She couldn't bare the shame and guilt of straight up leaving me so in a way, she pushed and pushed and pushed until I said enough. But like I said she made damn sure she cleaned her plate of her "read between the lines" actions. So I was left with the guilt and shame. Just what she wanted... .She succeeded. Anywho, she never came back. Which puzzles me. Leaves me with all these unanswered questions. This girl would not take to be alone. She needed someone stroking her ego 25/8. It's been nearly a month and I haven't heard a peep. So to think about her with someone else makes me sick. It brings me to tears, the anxiety I feel is incredible and I fee like I'm suffocating. A quick search of her common username on google pulled up a dating website she was on. How long has that been going on behind my back? Questions I'll truly never know. You mentioned Coldplay. Simply hearing songs, doing things that we did together, I can't bear handle.

I started this thread because like I said I yearn for her when she's gone but the moment she's back, I repulse her and think why do I feel this way when we are apart?

I know she is the way she is and most of this is my personal problem that I'm doing everything I can to try and overcome. Come out stronger and start to try and feel better about the "game" being over. 

J was the same way.  She push and pushed until I walked away.  This past week that's all she would really say was that I was walking away from her and how sad it was.  Even though she would say she understood her behavior was the cause.  She went as far as saying that she was afraid of what she'd do to me if I did stay and she loved me enough to recognize that and didn't blame/hate me for it.  It was a moment of vulnerability on her part, I feel, and I'm grateful she felt comfortable enough to say it to me.  It gave me a sense of closure.  As in, here we are two people who do care about each other (even if it's twisted and screwed up) and realize it's not going to work and we have to go our separate ways.  I told J we wouldn't be speaking for 2 months to give us time/distance and we can talk again to be level were comfortable at at that time.  She took that to mean forever.  The reality is, it probably is.

[bAlex]

Happy New Year

I often times (when reconciliating with my exBPDgf) ask myself the same question. What is there to miss? Now, from the beginning, it was never like this. I fell in love with this girl and tried and did my part. But after being ignored and emotionally abused for so long, it came easier to leave. And when I did, I'd find myself beating myself up. Missing her, obsessing over her, acting as if the relationship was perfect and I somehow did something to mess that up. But more times than I can count, when she would come back around, step into my house, text me, I can literally feel this repulsive negative energy build up inside of me and it has me asking... .What the hell did I miss so much? My rational mind would tell me there's no way I want to be with this girl. This happened more times than I can count. And now I find myself crying and yearning for her again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? 

You know what dude? I get it, but know that it's probably gonna happen lots of times on your road to recovery. You'll want her one day and resent her the next. Took me 3 years to finally get some understanding, it was my own fault for letting her come and go into my life as she pleases. Just take comfort in the fact that they are incapable of being in any form of healthy relationship. Their way of thinking is screwed and you can't fix them. Raise your standards, and find yourself a healthy woman. No one wants to date/marry "THAT". Just be honest with yourself no matter how hard it is, you can do better. I'm still recovering myself, but embracing the truth has helped me tremendously. Good luck.

[donotunderstand]

LonelyAstro, he would also make me to be in limbo position all the time you know. I have been true some end's of relationship. But this one is special. Special hard! It must have been paintfull to know she cheated on you so many times. Mine ex had dating profiles on web, I found them, but he would say those are the old profiles, from the time he was single, before our relationship started. But it was weird for me, he got those messeges to his email all the time. If his profile wasn't updated, he wouldn't receive any messeges in his inbox, isn't that true? LonelyAstro, how are you doing now, did you got true all the sadness, did you found some new love now? Thank you so much for your kind words, it is so nice to hear I'm not allone in my sorrow and sadness. I know it takes time to rebuild my life again, to trust someone again, altrought I decided not to fall in love in anyone. I'm just to dissapointed. So do you  stay in NC with your ex now?

FlyingJ, sorry to hear the same story as mine. How are you hanging today? It is better for you, you don't know how long she had a dating profile, you know. I can imagine your feeling of anxiety and sadness now. We are suffering, and they are living their happily life now. I will think about the music, you said.  Maybe today is the time I have to switch on the other sort of music, not this we listened together. It makes me more difficult to hear this music. It also hurts my feelings, when 4 weeks ago I saw on his FB wall he is going on Coldplay concert, we were talking to go together in year 2016, and now he is going with someone else. I know I should be happy now, when I'm not in this traumatic relationship, but…I really need time to heal my heart.

Izabellizima, he would do so many things to me, cheat, humilate me, my life, so I trully believe I have to do a lot of work on myself-esteem now. During our relationship I lost myself, you know. I have to find myself, have to find me again in this life, find thinks that will make me happy. I have to open a new book, and close the chapter of this old 2015 book, you are right!

[once removed]

So in short, when everything's quiet and calm, I literally need something to give me anxiety.

FlyingJ, this is very great insight, and id wager an important puzzle piece in what led you to this relationship. is this a pattern? how long have you felt that way?

[C.Stein]

she 'technically'

Funny.  I believe my ex had the same thinking ... ."technically" speaking.   "Technically" speaking it isn't cheating if X and Y aren't true.  Or "cheating" has a flexible definition based on the circumstances ... ."you weren't there for me so it's not really cheating" ... .or  "as long as X doesn't happen it's not really cheating"  or "we're only friends so X didn't mean anything" ... .etc... . 

This is how my ex thinks ... and while she hasn't said these things to me I know for a fact she would say something very similar if not exactly the same if I were to have caught her.   If I were to confront her right now with my very strong suspicions that she had an emotional affair I am certain these types of statements would be thrown in my direction.   There have been enough times when she has shown this type of thinking for me to believe it wouldn't be any different with cheating.  Any way she can justify what she has done so to avoid responsibility and to feel bad about herself she will do it.  I am sure she has concocted numerous "good" reasons for the things she has done to me that I have nothing but unverified gut instincts and small clues to point to a possible truth.  

I have to say, living with the knowledge your partner who you love more than life is capable of justifying almost any hurtful and morally corrupt action in their mind keeps you in a near constant state of fear and anxiety ... .it did me.  I really wanted to believe she could be the person she said she wanted to be ... .the person I believed she could be, but I just don't think she is capable of it.  She seems to almost never consider the consequences of her actions before acting and she will always find a way to place blame somewhere other than herself for any questionable action she commits.

I think she was much worse when she was younger, but this continues to haunt her and until she takes a long hard look at herself it will never change.  It is unlikely that will ever happen, which is really sad.  Instead it would appear the only lessons she is learning is how to better conceal these parts of herself from her partner ... .i.e. become a more accomplished deceiver.  When she deceived me for a month she actually said to me the lesson she learned was to never admit to a deception again ... .and that I would have never found out if she hadn't told me.  I don't know what did more damage to me, the actual deception or those two statements.  It crushed me when she said those things and I am sure if you give the statements some thought you will understand why it did.

[FlyingJ]

Flying J, sorry to hear the same story as mine. How are you hanging today? It is better for you, you don't know how long she had a dating profile, you know. I can imagine your feeling of anxiety and sadness now. We are suffering, and they are living their happily life now. I will think about the music, you said.  Maybe today is the time I have to switch on the other sort of music, not this we listened together. It makes me more difficult to hear this music. It also hurts my feelings, when 4 weeks ago I saw on his FB wall he is going on Coldplay concert, we were talking to go together in year 2016, and now he is going with someone else. I know I should be happy now, when I'm not in this traumatic relationship, but…I really need time to heal my heart.

[\quote]

Today has been tough... .Usually the mornings and nights are the hardest. It's unbearable to know she can just walk away and discard me like it never happened...

FlyingJ, this is very great insight, and id wager an important puzzle piece in what led you to this relationship. is this a pattern? how long have you felt that way?

In the past, I have been attracted to emotionally detached women. There was one women (my ex before the BPD ex) that was different. She was genuine. And funny story, I pushed her away cause it scared me so much. Long story short, she ended up leaving me. I regret ever doing that. I didn't know then what I know now and would do anything to have that normal relationship back.