I have decided for a while now that I don't want to look at just the psychological aspects of this relationship. My ex partner's psychological troubles makes me focus on psychology of course but I don't want to forget that I'm someone who exists at the level of the social, the cultural etc. Unfortunately, his psychological disorder benefits from all kinds of social prejudices, clichés, things dictated on genders, everything everything everything I dislike in my society, and at secondary-school level, really. This is one of the things I don't want to deal with. If his disorder manifested in more unique ways, I could be motivated to stay or be interested. I'm not. Disordered or not. I don't want these in my life.
1. An ageist culture that objectifies women: So I happen to be a woman, a 38 year-old-woman. (He was 36) So, I get a lot of subtle things from "age." "You don't mind me having "young" online groupies, do you?" Am I supposed to feel uncomfortable with my age? This thing, "younger than you", "younger than you" came up non-stop in our relationship. I'm happy with my age, I actually feel much happier and confident than my twenties, I'm enjoying a level of freedom I didn't experience before, thank you very much.
2. The body image: Two-sided insult-compliments that sound good or sting as well. "Oh wow, I love your love handles." (Holding my bum and when challenged, insisting and insisting that my bum is not my bum but my love handles. Thankfully, I can distinguish my bum and my love handles
) Why, you know, why? I'm 94 pounds, which I don't have to be! My fitness is not a commodity for me, I'll be the same person with love handles and I'd rather be a man who simply doesn't care. And actually, I'll not waste my fitness on this guy, either. I'm a woman, my body is not an object, and tomorrow I can get breast cancer and maybe lose a breast. It's traumatic for many women, I can't imagine how it would be with this guy. I'm so happy that I'm out.
3. Mother and angel roles: I really dislike it when care from a free individual is associated with these. I'm not anyone's mother, I have chosen not to give birth and I don't want to be treated like I'm my adult partner's mother. I can offer care and protection to someone, that doesn't make me a mother. And I'm more real than an angel, I am a human with solid needs. Stop dictating unconditional goodness on me as a duty.
4. Divide and conquer: This online harem, these "young" women. I respect women. He had openly NPD, and probably BPD females as hurtful as himself in his online harem but even in their case, I don't like hearing negative stuff about women. I don't derive pleasure from hearing how cheap, this and that those women are. If a man says this and keeps on seeking their attention, he is cheaper. Simple. I don't want to live in a world where I feel threatened by the presence of other women. Women are not my enemies. I want that to carry on like that. We are not minions forced to compete for a guy like this. I don't play these games. Not since secondary school.
5. Having something against self-sufficient women: He was so happy with women he could "pity" and "show mercy or compassion to". Obviously, I'm not in that category because I'm self-sufficient. (All these women are living with richer guys, sponsored by them actually, doing cocaine (not working) and complain about how unhappy they are. But they stay in these relationships because of the luxury and cocaine. And, actually, they can move to another guy but they'll have to shag and they don't want this. And this is so so so sad that my ex is in tears.) So actually, I don't deserve any compassion because I'm not in that situation. I don't deserve compassion because nobody is looking after me actually. Those of us who are self-sufficient have no struggles at all. Our life is so easy, hell yeah! This is warped.
Overall, when I think about what he brought into my life, I can't see much outside a secondary-school TV drama. Who fancies who, who is jealous with who, who did what to who? It's been two decades since I left these behind and I don't want to regress, really.
And this is a card-carrying "loyal" guy. I'm told if he is with me, he is with me. So, basically, I should be grateful that he isn't having any physical affairs and accept this and be happy with this. Why? Because he doesn't do physical affairs. Yes! Great! Because my whole goal in life, my purpose, my golden standard in a relationship is to have someone who doesn't have physical affairs. There is nothing beyond that.
He is sociologically and culturally very sad really.
I wish he found more unique and creative ways to act out. I cannot let these problematic aspects of society into my relationship simply because he has a disorder. It's like having a relationship with everything I dislike. As a woman, I've built myself outside these areas, many of them were encoded in me by the society, I learnt to undo myself and rebuild myself as a woman to be happy with the physically, emotionally imperfect person I am. Nobody can take that from me and anyone who doesn't respect this social aspect of my self as a woman has nothing to do with me. I find this very empowering and it helps me detach.
Just wanted to share.
