What's my next move ... if anything?

[Anez]

I was married. until my wife found out about this. She and I tried to work things out after but a few months later she decided that we had to end the marriage. I cooled off with the ex during the time when i was trying to save the marriage. then about a month after my ex-wife made the decision about the marriage my exPWBPD picked things up again.

Not an ideal start to a relationship but it's how it went down.

It's funny how many of these relationships start with some kind of triangulation. Food for thought.

Yup, it definitely is. My T thinks her thing is getting with guys who are already in a relationship/married because odds are it won't get serious. But ours did and when it got really serious she ran.

The more I think of this the more I know it's probably best for me to just move and find someone who isn't like this. But, as we all know, it's hard. I think it might be easier if I didn't have to work with her everyday and see and hear her, but who knows.

I'm meeting with my T today ... .haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks. And boy do I have a lot to talk about.

Until then, I won't reach out to her. She most likely won't reach out to me. She probably knows how I feel and the next move is up to her. Space, time, and see what happens.

but man, the discard is a painful thing especially after everything we went through and everything it cost me.

good times!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MapleBob]

Believe me, man, I know. It freaking sucks. But hey, look at it this way: she could have led you on for ten months after the breakup like mine did, only to do an about-face on you.

[Anez]

Yea I'm starting to think the faster we can get these people out of our lives and heads the better.

there are so many good people out there. we deserve good people.

[MapleBob]

Yea I'm starting to think the faster we can get these people out of our lives and heads the better.

there are so many good people out there. we deserve good people.

The trick is identifying the good ones! Being cautious without being too aloof or stand-offish.

[MapleBob]

Yea I'm starting to think the faster we can get these people out of our lives and heads the better.

there are so many good people out there. we deserve good people.

The trick is identifying the good ones! Being cautious without being too aloof or stand-offish.

Take a look at this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288595.0

Helping me stay angry enough to stay away from self-doubting my perceptions.

[Brab]

Thanks for your support guys and yes, I'm counting down the days to India... .

Trying very hard to stay busy and not let her take up too much space in my head tho for some reason I find some peace in learning more about this condition... .I'm starting to think that what happened was inevitable no matter how I conducted myself... .

I don't know how you do it Anez? It must be very difficult to work with you ex. I have a fairly broad social cross over with my ex's friends and I find that incredibly hard going. I always turn on the charm and act as if I'm perfectly fine and happy when I just want to tell them to foxtrot oscar and don't ever speak to me if they know what's good for them but I always manage to carry it off. I don't think I've been smeared but I'm sure I've been portrayed as needy and clingy which is a wind up in itself as the truth is, it's the other way around. You just have to suck it up as you can be sure her mates co sign her bs... .

I don't know if my hardcore nc strategy is the most effective but I just can't see any other way... .I'd be curious if anyone else has gone hardcore nc to a positive outcome?

[MapleBob]

I'm starting to think that what happened was inevitable no matter how I conducted myself... .

DING DING DING. 

And yes, hardcore NC does sometimes "work", if you use it for getting over them. It doesn't work on them, they make their own decisions regardless.

[Brab]

Ahhh, it's all so confusing but if I can't be honest here, well... .

I'm in hardcore nc for both ends really... .I'm hoping it will help me get a grip on this whole thing and heal... .but I'm also hoping it will bring her back, make her miss me / come to her senses? Is this an exercise in futility? If so what is the best strategy to pull these relationships out of the fire?

[MapleBob]

Ahhh, it's all so confusing but if I can't be honest here, well... .

I'm in hardcore nc for both ends really... .I'm hoping it will help me get a grip on this whole thing and heal... .but I'm also hoping it will bring her back, make her miss me / come to her senses? Is this an exercise in futility? If so what is the best strategy to pull these relationships out of the fire?

The ONLY strategy that pulls these relationships out of the fire permanently is mutually committing to doing things differently.

[Brab]

Indeed, I agree Bob... .but the question is, how do you get to that place? How do you come together to negotiate this?

From what I saw the other night, the physical attraction is very much alive and well. I know you have similar experience with a functional waif type BPD and I'm curious here. I haven't heard from her since then and I'm wondering if her not making contact could be due to either a falsely inflated ego or perhaps more likely; a fear of how I might react if she did i.e. fear of rejection?

I'm aware that I'm only 6 weeks or so past the breakup which is nothing really, not even in so called normal relationships. I have a clear resolve at this point not to even attempt any contact until after I return from India where it's possible she may become a non event in my life and I'll just crack on. That said, someone needs to break the ice and from what I know of her, it's not likely to be her. Even when I was idealised, she made her interest very obvious but I still had to make the first move... .very perplexing this stuff is... .

[MapleBob]

I know, it's a really weird Catch-22 kind of situation. My real advice is to go to India and hit her up when you come back if you still want to. If you two are connected on social media, post pictures of you having an amazing time (which you will). That's the best you can do.

[Anez]

Mine loves to not contact me but loves to sit in the lounge at work every day and eat her lunch. the lounge that is right near my desk. and boy does she like to laugh and carry on.

She's doing it right now and I just put some headphones on.

[Mutt]

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