When they leave is there always a replacement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).[/quote]
Mine was the cut off type as well, I have not heard from her in over a year. I am just curious: what makes you that certain?

[JRT]

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).[/quote]
Mine was the cut off type as well, I have not heard from her in over a year. I am just curious: what makes you that certain?

[apollotech]

When my ex left six weeks ago I don't think there was a replacement. And I don't think she's found one yet, though no doubt not for lack of trying. Is there always a replacement?  I would like to think if she hadn't found one yet she would have tried to have come back. Though she makes it clear she's not coming back.

A replacement doesn't always have to be a romantic interest. It does have to be someone that fulfills their emotional infatuation/self needs at the time. I saw my ex use her children and her mother in this regard; they too went through push/pull cycles with her.

[UVA2002]

Absolutely they daisy chain guys to keep the energy going . BPD whores love the cusp. I've had three textbook BPD handmaidens of satan all of which had a boyfriend and ___ buddies when we started "dating" and of course had a new chump on the line before I was old news except the last one. The 5 th time she dumped me by text I blocked her number and haven't talked to her in 3weeks. This caught her a little of guard and kicked the abandoned whore mode n full effect. Only a few attempts at contact so I think it's over. But yes they daisy chain lovers to keep the energy going they a BPD LOVES the cusp of two men she's playing. But it all comes around.

[burritoman]

I will forever suspect that that weekend was when something happened and she never came back after that due to shame/guilt.

Yep. Same thing happened to me. The week leading up to this past Halloween things were great, and even the day of we talked quite a bit. She went out with "friends" after work. The next day she was supposed to come up by me but she was "sick with the MF flu," which then changed to "food poisoning." She distanced herself from me all of that week, then that Saturday she gave me the phone call breakup. Now she's clearly with (but not OPENLY with) one of those "just friends."

Something happened that Halloween night. I'm probably better off not knowing specifics.

Probably.  I am in the same boat as you are there.  Part of me wants to know, to confirm my suspicion.  You know, the need to be right.  But, what's it really matter?  She did what she did and didn't what she didn't.  In my head, she'll always be guilty of something (because, frankly, she was always doing something I didn't approve of - one of the biggies why we had to go our own ways).

During our final week of talking, I asked her about that day specifically.  She became visibly uncomfortable and suddenly couldn't recall what she had done that day.  I remember exactly what she told me she was doing that day, I just chose to put her on the spot to see what she said.  So, that tells me that she was doing something with someone that she didn't want to confess to.

In the end, our 'r/s' should've ended several months ago instead of it 'recently' ending.  Whatever it was (or who) she did that day, it set us on a different path that we never recovered from.

Here's to better days, burritoman!

Better days to you too! During that phone call she tried telling me "I haven't been single at all in my twenties. What if I want to go home with somebody? What if I want to go back to school?" I said "I noticed that you said that first." She got quiet and sheepish. The phone call ended with her telling me "if you don't give me what I want (me break up with her) I'm going to cheat on you and tell you all about it." I immediately went NC. Not even a peep out of her since.

[Lonely_Astro]

Better days to you too! During that phone call she tried telling me "I haven't been single at all in my twenties. What if I want to go home with somebody? What if I want to go back to school?" I said "I noticed that you said that first." She got quiet and sheepish. The phone call ended with her telling me "if you don't give me what I want (me break up with her) I'm going to cheat on you and tell you all about it." I immediately went NC. Not even a peep out of her since.

I saw mine for the first time since we split.  We work together and this was my first day back.  She purposely put herself in my path and when I did see her, she cowered into the corner and looked like a whipped puppy.  I was so full of emotion then but I hid it.  I didn't speak to her today, though I really wanted to.

[Fr4nz]

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).

Mine was the cut off type as well, I have not heard from her in over a year. I am just curious: what makes you that certain?

Basically two things: the first one is that she mentioned me, from time to time, her most important exes - even though she was not in contact with them anymore; second, from time to time she pops up as a recommended friendship in FB (she removed me back on february), so this means she looks at my profile quite frequently (and, I repeat, I'm sure about this).

In general, I think that the cut-out types cut you out physically (if you represented a serious relationship) for a long time - or even forever, who knows - but they still think about you quite frequently... .they just cannot cope with the shame and the pain they associate with us whenever the idea of a reconnection surfaces.

In any case it's not my problem, she created huge drama and chaos when she broke up, so she has to be the one to broke NC if she wants to reconnect. I'm absolutely, perfectly fine with my life now

[JRT]

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).

Mine was the cut off type as well, I have not heard from her in over a year. I am just curious: what makes you that certain?

Basically two things: the first one is that she mentioned me, from time to time, her most important exes - even though she was not in contact with them anymore; second, from time to time she pops up as a recommended friendship in FB (she removed me back on february), so this means she looks at my profile quite frequently (and, I repeat, I'm sure about this).

In general, I think that the cut-out types cut you out physically (if you represented a serious relationship) for a long time - or even forever, who knows - but they still think about you quite frequently... .they just cannot cope with the shame and the pain they associate with us whenever the idea of a reconnection surfaces.

In any case it's not my problem, she created huge drama and chaos when she broke up, so she has to be the one to broke NC if she wants to reconnect. I'm absolutely, perfectly fine with my life now

I am with you on the this: I think that mine is torn up over the break up. We were together for 2 years and she had just moved in after we became engaged. Yet, the one and only one time that I reached out in a year and a half, she had a lawyer send me a letter threatening a PPO and THEN called the cops! I'll never understand this... .

As far as FB, I can tell you with 100% accuracy: the algorithms that they use are for 'you may know this person/suggested friends' is DEFINITELY not based on visitors at all!

[Confused?]

Here is what I've seen with my ex. When me and her started dating one of her exes called her. She got a new phone the day after we met with a new number. Her ex somehow got the new number from a mutual friend. She was very cold to him and seemed like she didn't like him. Fast forward a year and a half later. She was being cold to me. She got a new phone and number (she was on my plan). Something didn't seem right. Well turns out I was being replaced while we were still together. She stayed with replacement for about a month even moved in with him as she was living with friends that she met through me. Ended up recycling with her for a few months. Then the same coldness, blowing off dates, and total projection started again. I knew what was up this time so I ended up doing the only thing I could do was to see it for myself. I noticed a certain day she seemed to stop answering my texts. So I drove to her house and saw my second replacement there. She lied and lied about it calling him a friend. Well 2 weeks later they were dating according to Facebook. Now onto number three. From what I gather from Facebook she was with my second replacement up until around October and immediately dating a new guy in November. I am not sure how long she was single before I met her. I even had her admit she dated two guys at the same time before me. Then later denied it.

Short answer: yes

[Confused?]

For some reason I am unable to notify my post but she also changed her number around 3 times since she was with my second replacement. Since I have met her 2.5 years ago she has had 8 different phone numbers. If that's not absurd I don't know what is.

[Learning Fast]

I should clarify that my "past relationships are forgotten" comment is probably too general.  I believe that they try to project an image that the past is indeed in the past but we remain in their thoughts in proportion to the perceived value of our relationship in their minds (as Fr4nz commented).

Example---my ex recently deliberately opted not to return my "Happy Holidays' text from prior to Xmas but wasted no time in dashing a text off to me four days later to let me know that she was in LA for New Year's Eve staying at the same hotel where we had spent one of our most memorable weekends together earlier this year.  Additionally, it was very apparent that she was with my replacement as well. If I was completely forgotten this is a text that never would have been sent as it simply wouldn't have mattered to her.  That being said, I didn't take the bait and wished her the happiest of New Years.

[Dutched]

No, in my experience there is not always a line up.

Exw is high functioning, HF’s are extremely aware of their public image.

So it is not done for the outside world to flee directly into the arms of a new shining knight.

One has to grieve accordingly… , but having a good time is socially fully accepted of course.

It seems that about 18 months later (after 30+yrs. r/s  -to overcome an old ‘normal’ r/s one finds healing times roughly 1 yr. for every 10 yrs.-), exw went hunting and found a bloke.

So exw, being early 50, ended up with a retired great grandpa of 65-67 yrs old from a social low class, living in a small camper (due to his past) abandoned by most of his family, went abroad, leaving all behind just to live in her house (her house… gives her so much power).

A downgrade for her (I know the questions of what is a downgrade), but clever of that bloke as he found roof and a cosy bed for his old days with his last soul mate.

The benefit for exw? Idealisation gives such a boost as they ‘feel’ living in heaven again.

The downside for exw? Being HF a break up would be a total disaster for her image.

Sadly not realising that with that bloke her image is already broken, according to peoples talk, even within her family.

Although hooked and several yrs. gone now, exw is still not on any baseline at all, eyes are plain dead with no sparkling at all, facial expression (when not posing to look ‘splendid’ on photo) is one of deep misery, deep unfulfilling needs.

And that bloke? Well, he is described as an appendix of her when gathering activities, barely interacting with others and showing no interest at all.  

As written many times on the board, anyone who seems nice will do in order to have her void filled.

Seems it was all she could get in the end…

As FannyB points out, although exHFw acted out so was certainly not a quiet one.

When my ex orchestrated the fracture of our relationship there was no replacement in place and hasn't been since. Though it would seem in the majority of cases a new partner has been lined up, in some cases we just emotionally overwhelm them and they have to run.

I presume in such cases the hunt resumes when they return to their emotional baseline. I would guess this is more likely to be the case with a high-functioning 'quiet' borderline not given to acting out excessively.

Fanny

[UVA2002]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation. 

Seriously? No disrespect my friend I know everyone's situation is different in my experience with 3 textbook BPD girls cheating/whore behavior is on top of their behavior list. It's seem a major factor in almost every situation on this forum. "Erratic " is when you're not aware of your behavior trust me they know what's going on the BPD ends up being an afterthought/excuse of the behavior. Just my experience.

[Learning Fast]

Interesting comment, Dutched.  My ex has kept her replacement relationship clandestine (only her ex husband and I know) as she has definitely slipped a couple of rungs down the quality ladder with this guy.  I figure that her self-esteem would be shattered if the relationship were public as everyone who knows her would be saying "What the heck? She divorced her husband, then dated LF for a couple of years and now this?".  It's the price you pay for making an impulsive, indiscriminate relationship decision based solely on feelings and need.

[Lonely_Astro]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation. 

Seriously? No disrespect my friend I know everyone's situation is different in my experience with 3 textbook BPD girls cheating/whore behavior is on top of their behavior list. It's seem a major factor in almost every situation on this forum. "Erratic " is when you're not aware of your behavior trust me they know what's going on the BPD ends up being an afterthought/excuse of the behavior. Just my experience.

Cheating whether emotional or physical has been my experience as has countless others.  If Joem had a different experience with his, I envy him (hopefully it's not just a head in the sand statement).  I would've rather dealt with her ST/raging than for her to be cheating.  Of course, I experienced both.  I can't prove mine had physical connections, but I certainly can link her to emotional ones.  It hurts just the same.

[Concerns]

With mine, she has always found a replacement because she can't bear to be alone. It started from when she was a teenager. She begged her ex-husband to get her out of her horrible life. She begged me to get her out of her horrible life with her ex-husband. Now she has a boyfriend. And why should I believe anything other than she is manipulating him into the same mindset.

[Dutched]

Interesting comment, Dutched.  My ex has kept her replacement relationship clandestine (only her ex husband and I know) as she has definitely slipped a couple of rungs down the quality ladder with this guy.  I figure that her self-esteem would be shattered if the relationship were public as everyone who knows her would be saying "What the heck? She divorced her husband, then dated LF for a couple of years and now this?".  It's the price you pay for making an impulsive, indiscriminate relationship decision based solely on feelings and need.

You are spot on Learning Fast!

As I wrote, in the meantime her image is broken, although exw is not realising that.

Her professional ‘confident’ image (as exw shows at her job), is now seen when parading with that old man, even adjusting her pace to his abilities… (exw needed a certain faster pace when walking together).

Although I say old man, a 65-67 yr. is not that old now a day, but he looks late 70, Michelin puppet shaped and walks like that age.

[zeus123]

i would prefer to call it narcissistic supply instead of "replacement" it's more accurate description when a BPD looking for another target!.

[Learning Fast]

Dutched,

Heavens---perhaps we were involved with women who were twins---or minimally sisters!

My ex is 45 and her new beau is late 50s (looks like early 60s) and is also a grandfather.  The irony of this whole situation is that my ex was fairly obsessed with youth and would constantly bemoan the fact that she wouldn't be able to deal with becoming a grandmother at some point down the road.  Now she is two words ("I do" away from becoming a step-grandma in her 40s!

I know that she is keeping this relationship off the radar screen as she is extremely concerned with her image (as is the case with most pwBPD) and recognizes that any acknowledgement of it would definitely indicate to those who know her that she has moved from the "penthouse" to the "outhouse" of male partners.

LF

[Jazzy]

I agree with Lonely Astro that I would have much rather  have dealt wth his raging than the cheating.My 54 year old ex bf replaced me with a 65 year old lady even while we were making plans to marry.I am in my late 40s. He had been with her at least 5 months before I found out. I feel they always have someone lined up before they discard you as they are too afraid to be alone.

[Dutched]

Seems pwBPD mostly have one lined up, also with age haunt for a significant older person.

I that a sort of parentification they are looking for?  

[Dutched]

Dutched,

Heavens---perhaps we were involved with women who were twins---or minimally sisters!

My ex is 45 and her new beau is late 50s (looks like early 60s) and is also a grandfather.  The irony of this whole situation is that my ex was fairly obsessed with youth and would constantly bemoan the fact that she wouldn't be able to deal with becoming a grandmother at some point down the road.  Now she is two words ("I do" away from becoming a step-grandma in her 40s!

I know that she is keeping this relationship off the radar screen as she is extremely concerned with her image (as is the case with most pwBPD) and recognizes that any acknowledgement of it would definitely indicate to those who know her that she has moved from the "penthouse" to the "outhouse" of male partners.

LF

Learning Fast   

Something in the air causing a pandemic strong enough to cross an ocean?

Exws bloke is already a great granddad… They are not married (yet), but her ‘stepdaughter’ is only a 5-6 yrs younger… who is already a grandmother of a kid of about 6 yrs. old

I agree with Lonely Astro that I would have much rather  have dealt wth his raging than the cheating.My 54 year old ex bf replaced me with a 65 year old lady even while we were making plans to marry.I am in my late 40s. He had been with her at least 5 months before I found out. I feel they always have someone lined up before they discard you as they are too afraid to be alone.

Jazzy

Seems you are in the same boat too? Ex with a mother figure, all he could get? 

[Joem678]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation.  


Seriously? No disrespect my friend I know everyone's situation is different in my experience with 3 textbook BPD girls cheating/whore behavior is on top of their behavior list. It's seem a major factor in almost every situation on this forum. "Erratic " is when you're not aware of your behavior trust me they know what's going on the BPD ends up being an afterthought/excuse of the behavior. Just my experience.

Cheating whether emotional or physical has been my experience as has countless others.  If Joem had a different experience with his, I envy him (hopefully it's not just a head in the sand statement).  I would've rather dealt with her ST/raging than for her to be cheating.  Of course, I experienced both.  I can't prove mine had physical connections, but I certainly can link her to emotional ones.  It hurts just the same.

I don't know if my post was misunderstood but my answer to the question posted was yes. In my experience, there has always been a replacement.   I'm not sure how my experience would be different from anyone else's.  My comment about it being a common trait is based on the fact that there are 200+ manifestations to BPD.  But my experience has been the same as all of you.  In my situation, she has always returned.  You must pay attention to patterns if these questions are bugging you.  Those questions being, Do the replacements last and will they try to come back?  After twenty years of being on this roller coaster ride, I got off.  The pattern-based playbook finally became obvious to me.

In therapy, I learned that because of her pattern of returning, and the same behavior with replacements, the chances of her wanting to come back are high.

[gettingoverit]

Hi,

I responded a couple of years ago to a similar question. Here is my post from that conversation.

"Unfortunately it seems that BPD's can not be alone... . EVER. Just because you don't know about your replacement, does not mean your BPD darling doesn't have one, or isn't scoping the landscape for one. I too thought when my ex and I would "take a break", it was just to reflect on our relationship etc. It was not until we broke up for the final time (in which she did have my ex-friend as my replacement lined up), that I discovered that in actuality she was out dating and trying to find her next fix. It was a very painful discovery to make, and of course made me question the relationship as a whole. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced. They seem to lack the ability to commit to anything for long periods of time. Yes you may be married to your BPD for 10, 20 years, but really how committed where they to you and your relationship? What was going on behind your back that you were unaware of? Again I may sound jaded, but when it comes to this disorder I have learned that love, truth, commitment, honour and integrity are things that will be absent in a relationship with pwpd. As easily as you replaced the last "soulmate", you will be replaced also."

[troisette]

Not sure about that notgettingoverit.

Yes, I'd agree that's the case with most but not necessarily all.

My ex had not had a relationship for several years, this confirmed by his friends, next door neighbour and family. I think sometimes the replacement requirements can take other forms rather than a personal relationship: Friends, creativity, travel - anything that soothes the individual needs.

I think as they get older, past relationship failures, the pattern of them, can make them warier, more aware and more self-protective.

[Learning Fast]

Troisette,

Agreed.  Like all things BPD there are similarities but many variations and differences exist as well.

My ex and I were on and off for about two years.  The reason that I'm pretty darn certain that I wasn't replaced until we finally parted was in the way her demeanor, temperament and behavior toward me changed once she had connected with my replacement.  It was completely different than anything that I had experienced during the numerous push/pulls and up/downs prior to our final split.  Becoming educated about BPD thru this site allowed me to realize I'd been replaced before she even had the chance to indicate as much.

LF

[Mutt]

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