Seeking coming out of the FOG descriptions

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

As I feel the FOG lifting a bit, I'm wondering if you all could share your descriptions of what it felt like/feels like to be in the FOG and then to move out of it.

The dominant letter in my F.O.G. was O for obligation-- I felt it very strongly over the holidays (to call her on Xmas and New Year's, for example). What was yours? How did it play out?

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

As I feel the FOG lifting a bit, I'm wondering if you all could share your descriptions of what it felt like/feels like to be in the FOG and then to move out of it.

The dominant letter in my F.O.G. was O for obligation-- I felt it very strongly over the holidays (to call her on Xmas and New Year's, for example). What was yours? How did it play out?

[Itstopsnow]

For me the longer I stayed no contact I started to see reality more clearly. I was so desperate to stay with him at the end and to appease his outbursts and rages. But with time I realized. How he was so demanding, cruel, twisting things around and making everything my fault. I never realized how deeply sick he truly was until all the cheating and pathological lying came out. It was crazy it made me so mad, sad and hurt to realize I was basically in an abusive relationship 18 months. I thought we were so close on certain levels and his temper was something I just was learning to deal with. Because I didn't realize I deserved better than the way he was treating me. And the closeness I thought we had he was doing with his other girlfriend too. She thought they were so close too. It makes me sick and makes me realize that why would I be longing for someone who wasn't loyal, wasn't faithful, and wasn't even a friend. I found a valentine day card from last year from him saying we were closer than ever! We made a great team and he was so lucky to be with me and thanked me for going to Disney with him 3 times because he loves it so much and was so happy to share that part of himself with me. Meanwhile he took his second girlfriend there in September. It's still hard sometime to realize how deeply you were used and abused and lied to. It's so cruel and unfair because they have a mental disorder . We suffer at their hands. They basically do to us what they fear most in life. Why would they want to inflict their deepest fear of being abandoned onto us when all we did was love them and be there for them. It shows the depth of their selfishness . It is a completely selfish and self consumed and self centered disorder . It's hard to feel compassion for them at times. I have a bit of compassion but not much. Only because I will move on and be ok, they will continue down their destructive road . The fog I think is when the relationship finally starts to appear as it actually was not what we wanted it to be. Removing ourselves from the equation is key to get to that realization . I still find myself thinking about him and wondering what his life is like. I'm hoping to get to a place where I can fully let go. I don't want to think of him at all anymore

[Caley]

Speaking only from my own experience here ... for me it runs a lot deeper than just F.O.G ... .!

Someone with these traits has an extra-ordinary set of tools in their toolbox ... in terms of emotional manipulation. Taking each one in isolation and then identifying how you succumbed to it can really aid in recovery. Be careful, though, not to indulge in any toxic shame because that wouldn't be helpful at all. If you can ... the best medicine would be to clearly see how you fell for it and then have a really good laugh at it. And then ... forgive yourself ... really, really forgive yourself ... because before you can come to a place of forgiveness for them ... you first need to heartfully forgive yourself.

[Learning_curve74]

I experienced all of the FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Fear that she would hurt or kill herself. Obligation to stick with and help somebody I loved. Guilt that I couldn't solve her problems or take away her pain.

However, as I just wrote in another thread, we can acknowledge the three C's: we didn't Cause their illness, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it. I certainly take responsibility for my part of the relationship, but I give up on trying to carry her load because those things are her burden to bear.

If I take on 100% of the responsibility of working on our relationship, then that leaves her with 0% of it, doesn't it? Not a very fair division of labor.