Inez & group,
I like your therapist ... .they are a straight shooter ... .tell it like it is ... .no BS kinda therapist that more people probably need in their life. He didn't lie to you about the odds of relationships with someone who has BPD working out are as about as good as winning the PowerBall lotto this week ... .
. Come on you have to keep a sense of humor ... .it's the one thing I've learned with not one but two exBPDgf ... .nothing good comes from a person without a sense of humor.
When you come to this sight do you read others post in ALL the forums ... .or do you come here to post your thoughts and experience and get feedback? I take the time to read through several post in all the categories of BPD relationships to increase my overall knowledge of BPD relationships and I hope get a better understanding and perspective from all facets of this serious mental / behavioral illness. It's been extremely educational and eye opening to me.
For example you said, He said if we ever got back together it would be shorter than the first time and it would not be as good and it would end with even more pain." I've read many experiences of those who had relationships with BPD and including my own ... .and this seems to be more true then not. The first encounter is awesome ... .great ... .mind blowing. Then the first rage comes along and it last only hours or maybe a day or two and you're left scratching your head wondering what the hell just happened. But then she paints you white again and showers you with all kinds of love, affection, attention and you forget about the rage. Then it happens more often and the time between them is shorter and shorter ... .this pattern of behavior seems to be prevalent behavior in those who suffer from BPD illness.
I would add an additional thing to what your therapist said about adding a negative memory to a good memory ... .when you add the negative memory snap a rubber band around your wrist ... .its an "memory enhancer" to the negative memory. With the negative memory you feel physical pain and the more this happens the more you associate any thoughts of her with physical pain and you begin to think of her less and less. Does it work all the time for everyone ... .no ... .but then again morphine doesn't work for everyone to take away the physical pain that they're in. You have to try different methods of help and assistance to get through what is arguably the most difficult time in your life.
You like a lot of us her are most likely perfectionist, white hat sheriff types to ride in to save our BPD s/o from the flying monkey's they let loose. You're doing good ... .you're working hard to move on and meet what you call, "normal women". I agree with you that you need to continue to work on yourself to include additional readings of references here not his site, possibly professional help to help you understand what happen, why it happen, understand yourself better and how to have a better more mutually respectful caring loving relationships. I would also suggest that your read a book called " The Human Magnet Syndrome" that you can find at your local library or online. It basically explains why NONs aka codependent are perfectly match to those who suffer BPD illness. It helps you understand the relationship between the two ... .that although perfectly match because like magnets they are two personalities at the opposite ends of behavioral spectrum and opposites attract ... .it will be a forever a push / pull relationships that will be full of conflict. Like any other relationship there will be moments of fun, bliss ... .followed by chaos and drama ... .but we all know the intensity of both with someone who has BPD.
I've read stories here of people who have stayed with the s/o who has BPD not for days, weeks months ... .but for decades for several reasons. Raging from "that's what our generations did ... .we stayed in sickness & in health and BPD is a mental illness", to being unaware and uneducated of what BPD is and just how serious of a mental / behavioral illness it is. My mother who is a BPD is to old to start any type of DPT therapy for any other therapy for that matter. One exBPDgf refuses to believe there is anything wrong and creates havoc and chaos to this day. She has had this sex triangle for nearly 2 decades between 2 guys and unknown how many one nighters. Some how she justifies it to be ok in her brain to satisfy her own needs. My second exBPDgf is self aware and very intelligent with 2 Master degrees ... .she knows she has had many men in her life but no real long term relationships and she's been in therapy with multiple therapist for nearly over 25 years yet she continues to have major relationship problems. I've come to learn all of this and more ... .a lot of this sight has help me understand more then I could of ever imagined.
What did I do next? Well I learned that it was ok to say no ... .no to mental, emotional, physical abuse. I learned it was ok to put myself, my needs before others ... .that I'm not responsible for her or others behavior. I learned that BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness that if they are self aware and they choose to seek out DBT therapy and a good therapist that they {and me} will most likely be in therapy for the rest of my life. I learned the 3 Cs of BPD ... .I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it ... .that it happen long before I showed up in the picture. That as much as I want to help her, "save her", love her, be with her, guide her, support her ... .she will continue to have extreme fears of abandonment that I have no control or influence with. She will continue to have sex triangles to satisfy her need to be loved or what she things is love. She will continue to open the cage doors to her flying monkey's & expect me to put them back in their cages.
Like you I decided it was time to recover ... .rebuild ... .and move forward with my life. I will continue to educate myself on BPD, codependent relationships to improve myself. I would suggest things to help that has help me and a few others ... .
Get out for a walk ... .enjoy the moment. Exercise is so important to get the good endorphins moving in your body and burn off extra stress the relationship or thoughts might be giving you. Enjoy the sun ... .it's so important to improve your daily outlook on things. Eat right ... .stop eating at fast food joints ... .nothing good comes from there. Call up old friends that you haven't talked to in some time and get caught up. Go out to a good movie ... .go for a salad and a glass of water ... .Italian and a glass of wine ... .or a beer and a really good burger ... .then go for a walk ... .a bike ride ... .get out and explore your local area. Go for a weekend trip to someplace close for something different.
We can't walk your journey for you ... .but when you fall ... .someone will be here to hold out a hand to pull you back up ... .dust you off ... .and let you continue your journey for you. You have to decide what path to walk ... .continue the one you on ... .take the next fork in the road ... .or sit down where you're at and deal with things as they are ... .but they're your choices.
Come back here as often as you need too ... .let us know how you're doing ... .posting can be somewhat therapeutic too
Have a great day!
JQ
