Blame holiday

[kc sunshine]

One of the things that I think has prevented me from grieving this relationship like other kinds of losses is the question of blame. My exdBPD she blamed me for our relationship's demise (even though she broke up). I think that it's been tough to just feel the sadness of the loss because in my head I'm still talking in my head to her about all those things, as well as thinking myself about all the things I could have/should have done. All my mistakes. Also thinking if there are ways I could undo those mistakes, or convince her that she is wrong about me/us. That kind of thinking is taking up way too much room in my head! So I think I'm going to give myself a two week blame holiday. I'm sure there are things I did wrong, or could do better next time but right now-- for two weeks-- I won't dwell on them at all. I'll just be sad for the loss.

I'm going NC to the blame talk in my head!

[thisworld]

Great decision and great resolve

Your post reminded me of a CBT exercise I was trained in once. I still use it from time to time. So, one cognitive exercise when the blame takes up too much space in your mind is to play your own advocate. Sometimes we become our own prosecutor but a healthy ego is the one that actually defends itself. This CBT exercise is designed to turn that into a mental habit: So, each time a blame thought passes your mind, you become your advocate and make a positive statement that negates that blame.

Example:

Prosecutor mind: He thinks I'm a very boring person, I wish I could have been more fun.

Advocate mind: Yes, but he could have introduced some fun to our relationship and I would have joined.

If you do this for a while, the brain gets used to it an unnecessary blame thoughts are reduced.

I think it's a fun game, too (especially when we discover how much we have forgotten to defend ourselves:))

Just wanted to share it with you,

Stay strong!

[eeks]

I'm sure there are things I did wrong, or could do better next time but right now-- for two weeks-- I won't dwell on them at all. I'll just be sad for the loss.

I'm going NC to the blame talk in my head!

That sounds like an important observation - that when you get into blame talk, realizing that what's underneath it is the sadness of the loss, and that it will be most helpful to learn to just feel that.

Thisworld's suggestion is good, and I would like to add, I remember a point in my healing from a brief but intense relationship with a uBPD man where I "got my own perspective back" simply from the passage of time not being in contact with him.  He had accused me of selfish motives, and I had started to absorb that, wondering if I was not as good of a person as I thought I was all my life. 

I imagine you will reach a point where you can look back on those things your ex said you "did wrong", and notice that some might have some truth to them, and some are her inaccurate perceptions due to her disorder.  Same with the mistakes you believe yourself to have made, some may actually be mistakes/learning experiences, others may be coming from feelings of guilt, wanting things to have turned out differently, etc.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good move KC, consciously taking time off from the blame is a great way to start taking our power back, and going further, questioning and confronting our inner critic is a great way to lessen its power.  The reframing thisworld mentioned is fun, and coming up with new and different beliefs to counter the garbage that critic throws at us in entertaining, and it also builds emotional muscle, literally creating new neural pathways to reroute around and over that old, rutted up, worn out trail we might have spent too much time on.

Borderlines do what they do for their own reasons, but really that inner critic was there long before we met them, they just triggered it.  Think about it: a nice, well-adjusted friend would see us beating our self with the critic club and help us challenge it, help us reframe, help us create and condition an empowering belief system.  We didn't get that support in the relationship, and might not have gotten it in other areas of our lives, but the revised, wiser us can certainly create it now, on the way to our empowered future.

It's been 12 hours since you committed; how's it going?

[kc sunshine]

This is very helpful-- thank you. It is going pretty well. Since I've been working to turn off the blame talk in my head, I've realized how much I talk to her in my head, not necessarily only about blaming etc. I guess it was because we spent so much time talking. I'm trying to reroute those conversations too. Do other people face that challenge as well?

Good move KC, consciously taking time off from the blame is a great way to start taking our power back, and going further, questioning and confronting our inner critic is a great way to lessen its power.  The reframing thisworld mentioned is fun, and coming up with new and different beliefs to counter the garbage that critic throws at us in entertaining, and it also builds emotional muscle, literally creating new neural pathways to reroute around and over that old, rutted up, worn out trail we might have spent too much time on.

Borderlines do what they do for their own reasons, but really that inner critic was there long before we met them, they just triggered it.  Think about it: a nice, well-adjusted friend would see us beating our self with the critic club and help us challenge it, help us reframe, help us create and condition an empowering belief system.  We didn't get that support in the relationship, and might not have gotten it in other areas of our lives, but the revised, wiser us can certainly create it now, on the way to our empowered future.

It's been 12 hours since you committed; how's it going?

[fromheeltoheal]

This is very helpful-- thank you. It is going pretty well. Since I've been working to turn off the blame talk in my head, I've realized how much I talk to her in my head, not necessarily only about blaming etc. I guess it was because we spent so much time talking. I'm trying to reroute those conversations too. Do other people face that challenge as well?

Yep, most people deal with an inner critic at some point or another.  It's interesting to investigate what that voice is; is it your inner critic with her voice, or is it your inner critic teaming up with her voice?

And turning off the blame talk in your head is somewhat passive, and it will peek it's nose into your world again anyway, you might have noticed.  A more active approach that can be more empowering is to actively confront the voice with something like "shut up" or "thanks for sharing, now go away", or saying what the critic is saying but in a silly, squeaky cartoon voice, ridiculous enough to make you laugh.  Those techniques can lessen the critic's power immediately.

And then, make a game of finding an empowering belief to believe instead.  It can be fun: every time your critic says something derogatory, come up with something empowering to believe instead.  And once you find something you like, continue to actively believe that instead, and with repetition you can install the new belief, much stronger than the old one, and negate it.

And also, you might have noticed an inner critic has a pretty narrow focus.  Another way to address it is shift your perspective and make it broader.  What are you grateful for?  The goal is not to try and create a permanent feeling of gratitude, which is delusional and can suppress what needs to be processed, but we can always find a thing or two we're grateful for, the fact we have a job, a sunny day, whatever, and repetition will instill an attitude of gratitude, which serves to widen our perspective and puts the b___ing our inner critic is doing about some dumb little issue in its place in the grand scheme of things.

It's work, but the best kind of work, and addressing the issue head-on is proactive and empowering.  Take care of you!

[Moselle]

KC. I really like this idea.

I'm realisng that when someone gaslights us, they tap into this self doubt or blame and amplify it.

Thanks FHTH for the idea of building emotional muscle. I like that idea too 

[thisworld]

Since I've been working to turn off the blame talk in my head, I've realized how much I talk to her in my head, not necessarily only about blaming etc. I guess it was because we spent so much time talking. I'm trying to reroute those conversations too. Do other people face that challenge as well?

Sure What kind of talking do you do? Do you have a particular theme? Can you give us an example? And also how do you feel?

[Moselle]

KC. I've joined you on this blame holiday. I'm enjoying it. Yesterday I noticed my ex BPDw's voice and a few voices at work. 

And I used FHTH's squeaky voice technique. It made me smile at the ridiculousness of it. Which had a good effect.

Day two. I'm ready. How has it been for you?

[kc sunshine]

Hooray Moelle! I'm so glad we're together in this holiday! It's been pretty good-- I've been using FHTH's talking back at the voice too-- that's been helpful as well! Especially because I was working so hard not to JADE at the end of our relationship, so my mind had some things it wanted to say in my own defense! But I have to be careful to not have it turn into a conversation with my ex in my mind. .

One thing that this experiment has made me think of is that perhaps the ending of these relationships are so devastating because of the devaluation period before the discard. During the devaluation period, my self-esteem took a beating, so it wasn't at it's strongest at the point of the discard (and then the discard itself was so awful!)

Here's a nice quote about the importance of strong self-esteem from the bpdfamily board article "the biology of breaking up":


"People with low self-esteem took rejection the worst: They were most likely to blame themselves for what had happened and to rail against the rejecter.

Whether we bounce back from a breakup or wallow in unhappiness also depends on our general self-regard. In a University of California, Santa Barbara study where participants experienced rejection in an online dating exchange, people with low self-esteem took rejection the worst: They were most likely to blame themselves for what had happened and to rail against the rejecter. Their levels of the stress hormone cortisol ran particularly high. Such reactivity to romantic rejection often creates unhealthy coping strategies—staying home alone night after night, for example, or remaining emotionally closed off from new partners.

People with high self-esteem were not immune to distress in the face of romantic rejection, whether they were rejecter or rejectee, but they were less inclined to assume a lion’s share of the blame for the split. Best of all, they continued to see themselves in a positive light despite a brush-off."

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141948.msg1382884#msg1382884

KC. I've joined you on this blame holiday. I'm enjoying it. Yesterday I noticed my ex BPDw's voice and a few voices at work. 

And I used FHTH's squeaky voice technique. It made me smile at the ridiculousness of it. Which had a good effect.

Day two. I'm ready. How has it been for you?

[kc sunshine]

Hi! Well right now there are two main topics that I tend to talk to her in my head about

1) if she calls or texts me (we're LC), I rehearse my responses to her her ad infinitum. Once I finally respond to her, it is pretty much out of my head though-- still until I do, it is a pain and kind of stressful.

2) I'm beginning to date again (very slowly) and I have her in my head about the dates. Like I'm talking about them to her in my head-- telling her how they want, what's nice about them, etc. Is that strange? I don't mean in a "making-her-jealous" way (though perhaps there is a little of that), but more in a "this is what is happening in my life way." I also have that about other good things-- e.g. what's going on in my day to day. I think it is because we talked so much and I'm used to talking with her about stuff.

Any ideas for how to redirect that?

Since I've been working to turn off the blame talk in my head, I've realized how much I talk to her in my head, not necessarily only about blaming etc. I guess it was because we spent so much time talking. I'm trying to reroute those conversations too. Do other people face that challenge as well?

Sure What kind of talking do you do? Do you have a particular theme? Can you give us an example? And also how do you feel?

[Moselle]

OK day 3

I think we have different characters at different times. Redirect it?

Sometimes I think the more we accept or embrace, something  the safer we feel. 1 in 4 people we meet is disordered. We cant avoid them and they're likely to say or do something crazy or projecting or invalidating. We can handle them by turning them into the ridiculous using FHTH's tools. We can interact safely with them, not taking it personally  ( big one for me) and accepting their works or actions from whence they came.

I think next time I'm in public, I'm going to try and guess which ones are disordered ( every 4th) and imagine them talking to me like Daffy duck. I won't be upset when the next person gives me nonsense. I'll  just be surprised if I guessed the right one. Lol

I got two voices, both of which know my buttons very well. Stb ex. Bless her little soul. I can see her face all scrunched up and emitting a high pitched whine like she's going to explode.

The other is my dysfunctional boss. he's acting MD.  Acting is a good choice of words.  He's got some dysfunction going on. He gets upset and starts talking in circles. Or holding onto a completely illogical argument. Illogical to the rest of us, but clearly not to him. I literally get a headache when he starts with his nonsense. I actually told him once that " You are giving me a headache. If you say that once more I'm going to have to walk out of the meeting". He said it again. So I walked out. He's my Daffy. Flat footed, goofy and when I hear him talking nonsense I'll start giggling and stay instead of getting a headache and leaving.  I sometimes wonder what everyone else is doing with the drivel he spouts forth.  Some are nodding knowingly which encourages him. Others are just sitting. 

[GoingBack2OC]

One of the things that I think has prevented me from grieving this relationship like other kinds of losses is the question of blame. My exdBPD she blamed me for our relationship's demise (even though she broke up). I think that it's been tough to just feel the sadness of the loss because in my head I'm still talking in my head to her about all those things, as well as thinking myself about all the things I could have/should have done. All my mistakes. Also thinking if there are ways I could undo those mistakes, or convince her that she is wrong about me/us. That kind of thinking is taking up way too much room in my head! So I think I'm going to give myself a two week blame holiday. I'm sure there are things I did wrong, or could do better next time but right now-- for two weeks-- I won't dwell on them at all. I'll just be sad for the loss.

I'm going NC to the blame talk in my head!

I think this is really normal. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and have talked a lot about my exGF. He indicated that borderline personality disorder is literally a "crazy making disease". Meaning a BPD can literally turn a normal healthy person crazy. Make them do things they would never do. Say things they would never say. They suck you in, and you just get so lost from yourself you no longer know right from wrong.

I made a lot of bad choices. But honestly; Im in my 30s, have had a number of relationships, long and short term. I've never ever acted that way before this last relationship. Never said those types of things, or did the things I did; which I think was part defense, part retaliation, with my BPDex.

She literally made me insane. I'm healing. It's all we can do. Don't blame yourself, or try not to. I do the same thing. If I "had done this" or "hadnt done that" we'd be fine. Noo. Honestly; had I been with a healthy, emotionally healthy person, I would have never done that in the first place. They push you to your limits. We all have limits. So stay strong, and ask yourself the next time you start blaming yourself for things you could have done differently:  Would I have done that, or said that, with someone healthy. The answer is no. You wouldnt have been put in the place where you would have ever felt you had to, or needed to, or were not able to control your emotions after such abuse.

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, and it all happened so slowly.

The first time she got unreasonably angry/jealous (about a month into the relationship), I thought "wow, this is strange."

Then she had a big dysregulation (about a month later, after she had been drinking), that was seriously disturbing. That one freaked me out, and we had a big talk about it the next day... .and talked about her not drinking anymore (I thought it was because of the alcohol, not knowing about BPD).

After learning about BPD, I thought perhaps we could manage it... .which we did more or less (the flashes of anger/rage, which would subside relatively quickly). We couldn't manage the the bigger dysregulation... .the BPD relationship cycle... .the one leading to sustained devaluation/discard though.

Such a heartbreaking disorder.

[Moselle]

I think this is really normal. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and have talked a lot about my exGF. He indicated that borderline personality disorder is literally a "crazy making disease". Meaning a BPD can literally turn a normal healthy person crazy. Make them do things they would never do. Say things they would never say. They suck you in, and you just get so lost from yourself you no longer know right from wrong.

I made a lot of bad choices

She literally made me insane.

I can empathise with this. But imho we cannot award them responsibility for this. If they had power, it's because we handed it over.

This was one of the big reasons for my break up. I woke up one day ( with help from a lot of bpdfamily people) and said I'm no longer handing power over to someome who has a serious mental illness.

She felt the change immediately and ultimately could not be without her fix of control, and decided to leave. I have lost alot because of this choice but I am no longer controlled by a pwBPD 

[kc sunshine]

This happened to me-- I started reading a lot about codependency (in part, at her request) and then put in place some boundaries, and before you knew it I was punished deeply for it (replaced & discarded). dang.

The importance of these words cannot be overstated: I'm no longer handing power over to someone who has a serious mental illness.

That's gonna be my new mantra. Thank you Moselle!

[

I can empathise with this. But imho we cannot award them responsibility for this. If they had power, it's because we handed it over.

This was one of the big reasons for my break up. I woke up one day ( with help from a lot of bpdfamily people) and said I'm no longer handing power over to someome who has a serious mental illness.

She felt the change immediately and ultimately could not be without her fix of control, and decided to leave. I have lost alot because of this choice but I am no longer controlled by a pwBPD  [/quote]

[thisworld]

Hi! Well right now there are two main topics that I tend to talk to her in my head about

1) if she calls or texts me (we're LC), I rehearse my responses to her her ad infinitum. Once I finally respond to her, it is pretty much out of my head though-- still until I do, it is a pain and kind of stressful.

2) I'm beginning to date again (very slowly) and I have her in my head about the dates. Like I'm talking about them to her in my head-- telling her how they want, what's nice about them, etc. Is that strange? I don't mean in a "making-her-jealous" way (though perhaps there is a little of that), but more in a "this is what is happening in my life way." I also have that about other good things-- e.g. what's going on in my day to day. I think it is because we talked so much and I'm used to talking with her about stuff.

Any ideas for how to redirect that?

Since I've been working to turn off the blame talk in my head, I've realized how much I talk to her in my head, not necessarily only about blaming etc. I guess it was because we spent so much time talking. I'm trying to reroute those conversations too. Do other people face that challenge as well?

Sure What kind of talking do you do? Do you have a particular theme? Can you give us an example? And also how do you feel?

Hi Kc Sunshine,

I have a similar experience with the first one and it causes me a lot of anxiety sometimes. I think it's the digital equivalent of walking on eggshells. I don't have this with other people (trying to come up with a response that wouldn't result in anger, dysregulation what not) so in my case, I think it's unique to this dynamic. Of course, there are other instances (mostly job related) in my life where I may try to come up with an ideal response considering many factors but I don't experience it so fully at an emotional level.

The second one seems like a mental habit and I don't experience that. But when I fill my head with stuff like that it's usually because I have a fear or anxiety somewhere that I'm not ready to deal with yet. This noise helps to cover that real thing beneath because it kind of keeps me busy. What am I afraid of? Sometimes emptiness, sometimes a major life-altering decision. It's like a mental procrastination.

Stay strong!