Court, Interrogatories and more lies

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Almost two months no contact! But the bombs are still dropping... .My lawyer sent me a print out he is calling his bank statement... .and it 100% confirmed what my gut had been telling me but that I kept ignoring... .yep he's been having an affair. And racked up over 25K on his affair taking her on weekend trips, expensive dinners, a cruise... .even sexual crap was on there. As if that wasn't bad enough he's making up all kinds of lies and saying our marriage ended 3 years ago? Myself and our entire family were shocked by that one. And the tales and crap he made up in his declaration were crazy. I can't even believe this man. My lawyer said he is actually a sociopath.

Our court date was this past week. The court granted me what we asked for not what he wanted. We had our documentation and disputed it all with fact. He didn't even show up, just his lawyer did after asking for a continuance. Getting him to pay will be another story. Because of all the lies we have sent him interrogatories. He claims he is homeless and living with friends (he has no friends). I'm pretty sure he moved in with whomever he met online or on craigslist as a public storage charge was on his statement. My kids are older but the oldest is home on break. She is so angry at him she doesn't think she can ever forgive him and I'm trying to encourage her to maintain a relationship understanding that he's mentally ill and needs help but the truth is I don't blame her. I can never forgive him for what he is putting our family through. I know he's ill but the lies, the deceit, the reckless spending (55K in 4 months that we know about so far), an affair... .beyond disappointing. He even took her to where we went for a weekend getaway for our anniversary year before last on OUR anniversary weekend and on another weekend trip to another place we went last year... .why? and to top it off being told by my lawyer to get tested... .awesome thanks, NOT! I'm so over all of this.

My lawyer asked him to box my stuff up and some things the kids left from our apartment in the state he is in and send it to me... .his lawyer responded saying he had no where to store it so he donated it to the goodwill... .what a nice guy... .my lawyer couldn't resist and responded with does that mean my client can donate his things as well, she no longer has anywhere to store it either... .Sometimes its hard to remember he has a disorder cause he's acting like a complete ass and putting his family through unnecessary drama. Just man up and get on with it. I'm so sick of the circus show. And I wonder if this person he's with even knows he's married?

I have one child who is barely wanting to even talk about it and another whom is questioning how she can even be related to this man. And all I can say is he's your father, he's ill and its not about you its about him. I can't wait for this to be over. But the scars and the damage is deep for everyone.

Anyone else have a successful nBPD partner that you had to send interrogatories to in order to unravel the lies?

[knowledgeseeker]

Almost two months no contact! But the bombs are still dropping... .My lawyer sent me a print out he is calling his bank statement... .and it 100% confirmed what my gut had been telling me but that I kept ignoring... .yep he's been having an affair. And racked up over 25K on his affair taking her on weekend trips, expensive dinners, a cruise... .even sexual crap was on there. As if that wasn't bad enough he's making up all kinds of lies and saying our marriage ended 3 years ago? Myself and our entire family were shocked by that one. And the tales and crap he made up in his declaration were crazy. I can't even believe this man. My lawyer said he is actually a sociopath.

Our court date was this past week. The court granted me what we asked for not what he wanted. We had our documentation and disputed it all with fact. He didn't even show up, just his lawyer did after asking for a continuance. Getting him to pay will be another story. Because of all the lies we have sent him interrogatories. He claims he is homeless and living with friends (he has no friends). I'm pretty sure he moved in with whomever he met online or on craigslist as a public storage charge was on his statement. My kids are older but the oldest is home on break. She is so angry at him she doesn't think she can ever forgive him and I'm trying to encourage her to maintain a relationship understanding that he's mentally ill and needs help but the truth is I don't blame her. I can never forgive him for what he is putting our family through. I know he's ill but the lies, the deceit, the reckless spending (55K in 4 months that we know about so far), an affair... .beyond disappointing. He even took her to where we went for a weekend getaway for our anniversary year before last on OUR anniversary weekend and on another weekend trip to another place we went last year... .why? and to top it off being told by my lawyer to get tested... .awesome thanks, NOT! I'm so over all of this.

My lawyer asked him to box my stuff up and some things the kids left from our apartment in the state he is in and send it to me... .his lawyer responded saying he had no where to store it so he donated it to the goodwill... .what a nice guy... .my lawyer couldn't resist and responded with does that mean my client can donate his things as well, she no longer has anywhere to store it either... .Sometimes its hard to remember he has a disorder cause he's acting like a complete ass and putting his family through unnecessary drama. Just man up and get on with it. I'm so sick of the circus show. And I wonder if this person he's with even knows he's married?

I have one child who is barely wanting to even talk about it and another whom is questioning how she can even be related to this man. And all I can say is he's your father, he's ill and its not about you its about him. I can't wait for this to be over. But the scars and the damage is deep for everyone.

Anyone else have a successful nBPD partner that you had to send interrogatories to in order to unravel the lies?

[mm1024]

Hi Knowledgeseeker,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am having very much the same experience with my BPDh/NPDh. My attorney did the same with interrogatories, since mine also was distorting truths and during mediation was accusing me of all of the things he was doing. Cheating, hiding money, alcohol consumption and the list goes on. Even during the deposition he twisted the truth and as hard as it was to sit and hear him say awful things about me. However I just took notes and we had so much evidence against what he was saying. Everything was on the record which is good. It is so hard and heartbreaking especially for the kids. I too have children, not with him- thank goodness for that. I think you are doing the right things with your daughter. I found therapy for my kids has been a miracle in helping us all heal. Just know you are not alone. Does your attorney understand PD's especially BPD? Have you read Splitting? If not read it- today!  . It will help you help your attorney navigate around the distortion. Again, you are not alone!

[knowledgeseeker]

I think you are doing the right things with your daughter. I found therapy for my kids has been a miracle in helping us all heal. Just know you are not alone. Does your attorney understand PD's especially BPD? Have you read Splitting? If not read it- today!  . It will help you help your attorney navigate around the distortion. Again, you are not alone!

The hard part is that she's my step daughter but we are mother daughter and she lives with me. So its not the norm as far as court goes. The judge actually took into consideration what my daughters needs and wants are and agreed that status quo should include her expenses being taken care of by me and not her dad, however he has to include the budget amount for her in my temp maintenance, which is providing some relief to her right now know she doesn't have to go to him and ask for money because she can't even talk to him right now cause she so disappointed and upset with him. She worries about what will happen after things are final. It kills me to see her so conflicted. She used this example of how she was feeling... .that she feels like she worked really hard to create a pottery piece, was so happy with it and while she was walking to place it on the shelf her dad came up, grabbed it out of her hand and smashed into a million pieces right in front of her. She feels like he broke our family and is now lying and twisting even when the facts are all there. She went on to say she finally had the stability she longed for and the type of family she always needed/wanted and she never thought that the last meal we all had as a family would be the last time. She's struggling with her sense of self as well as she's realized that the things he's said to all of us on to many things to count have been lies and has warped her perception of people, and what she thought were her own values but rather a manipulation by him to feel the way he does about people and things. And all I can do is listen, because I'm still processing through all the lies and manipulation myself. At the end of the day, he doesn't care. People are objects to him and winning is what motivates him because he thinks he's god. And if there is something you really care about and he's perceived you've abandoned him he will do what ever it takes to hurt you by trying to destroy or take away the very things or people you care the most about. Sad. I have read that book! And my lawyer specializes in high conflict and has met with Dr. Eddy. She has some great interviews she's done with him on her website. Thats the one thing I'm sure of is that I hired the right attorney. And all his lies have been provable via multiple sources of documentation so far... .

Did your husband comply with with the interrogatories and in a timely manner? Did you have to subpoena anything as a result of him not being forth coming or lying on the interrogatories?

[ForeverDad]

I believe you mentioned her mother was unfairly portrayed and virtually locked out over the years.  Perhaps she can put her father-daughter worries aside to an extent, since he is unlikely to change after all these years and her contact with him is probably going to be frustratingly intractable, and see how much counseling will help improve her relationship with her birth mother?  From the sounds of it, she could make better headway and better results with mother than with father.

In other words, point her in a happier direction with a realistic future.

[knowledgeseeker]

I believe you mentioned her mother was unfairly portrayed and virtually locked out over the years.  Perhaps she can put her father-daughter worries aside to an extent, since he is unlikely to change after all these years and her contact with him is probably going to be frustratingly intractable, and see how much counseling will help improve her relationship with her birth mother?  From the sounds of it, she could make better headway and better results with mother than with father.

In other words, point her in a happier direction with a realistic future.

That's exactly what I've been doing. I reached out to her mom a couple months ago. We sat down and she filled in the blanks and we've been working together to get things back on track every since. In fact she's coming over to have dinner with us this weekend. We also spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with her and her grandpa as well as my family. I really like her mom, we are actually a lot a like and clique. We kind of even look like each other which is odd, but I think maybe not so odd... .The good news is there is a ton of healing on that side that is occurring as a result of this. In the long run he did us a favor, we just have to get through the hurricane and once the storm passes the sun will come back out. Its gonna be stormy for awhile.