It's been three months and a week since
I posted my story of breaking up with my pwBPD.
I'm Back! I'm sharing this story for sage feedback and in hopes it helps someone else some time.
Although I claimed to have plans to move out or have my partner move out, I did not follow through with that. Instead, I chose to give it through the end of the year and see how it goes.
And, it went better. I think a combination of therapy and also changing my own behavior helped. There were still times of distress that would not be a part of a normal relationship. Mostly over-reactions to situations a non-BPD person would take in stride.
Things went especially well after the new year. We have been practicing yoga together each day and there has been so much love. We had supporting moments, where I was sure of evidence of a far improved relationship. At times, my partner would carefully insinuate I was dragging my feat on big new things like moving to a new place or taking on a pet together. Feeling good, I hoped for the same things.
I did not realize that all this love was leading up to a push. My partner is a far more practiced cook, and yet to divide the chores a bit more, I've been trying to cook at least one day a week. I have to follow recipes, and am sort of slow but it is fun and edible!
On Thursday, I was making a new simple recipe my partner recommended I try. I was feeling so good, I made a special trip to get some fresh ingredients, picked up my partner's favorite ice cream and was just feeling energized listening to music in the kitchen pulling this dinner together for us.
Except, the prep took too long. My partner doesn't like eating very late, I've known that a long time, but my dish wasn't ready until 8:30 or maybe 9pm. Obviously, I had not meant it to take that long but hey I am still new to cooking prep. I offered a few alternatives, like eating other stuff around the house or going out and putting my dinner I was working on aside.
But my partner ended up raging at me. I was belittled in ways that broke my heart. The feeling of sadness was amplified by the a few things:
- We had been doing "so well"
- I was feeling so much love toward my partner
- It was so obvious that I was not at fault
I did not react to the raging, I let it just go on and worked on my laptop and went to bed seperately. I typically make simple breakfast for us, but obviously did not the next morning. My partner made themselves some cereal and ate it in the bedroom by themselves. I went in and quietly said how hurt I was over what they had said and done the previous night. My partner stared at me blankly and ignored / gave me the silent treatment, leaving for work without any normal connection.
It ruined my day, impacting my work and plunged me into a depression I had not been feeling so far this year. I took the unusual step of having a phone conversation with my therapist about what happened.
My partner texted an apology around mid-day, asking to reconnect. (This timeline was typical of the far more common rages during our first year together.) Then on their way home, texted asking if we could put the conversation about what happened aside for now but have it within 20 hours.
I reluctantly agreed, and ironically, my partner had a bunch of problems with the meal they were making that night! I made a quick run for an ingredient missing from their recipe and shrugged off the issues of the dish like a non-BPD person would take the minor issues of life in stride.
Then my partner brought up the conversation, saying that they actually did not understand what happened. They tried to explain all the things about work or health that might have been bothering them when the light switch flipped. I told them again how upsetting it was for me. I said I did not want to be treated like that by anyone, ever. My partner went to the bedroom to curl up cry and dissociate, something common again from when rages were so frequent last year.
After a time, I went in and explained that I wasn't angry but very sad and concerned about my partner. I said I was concerned that things like this destabilized our relationship. I said it made me concerned because my partner puts some pressure to make bigger decisions together such as a pet or engagement and that what happened the previous night interfered with me being comfortable doing these things.
After a time, I went back to our living room. And after a few minutes, my partner came and sat next to me and with complete seriousness and a business-like air, told me they would like to break up with me.
I truly was speechless only able to get out that I found the suggestion devastating. There was more conversation, and I said how concerning it was that my partner could have raged over a late dinner, yet delivered an intention to split with such a balanced tone and candor. Again, my partner could not explain the discrepancy.
Anyhow, this is a long story, I think written as much for me as for you.
I'm in my mid thirties. I really want to be married and have kids. This person
except for the BPD is amazing. This person has improved a lot. However clearly this person is not (and I know can not be "cured", and I have no idea how much the expression of the BPD can be minimized and when. I feel uncomfortable with this uncertainty.
I really want to be working towards a family soon, and I feel pressure to commit fully or get out.
My partner has 6 months of therapy under their belt. It is not DBT that I'm aware of and my partner's therapist has characterized it as "anxiety."
My partner is a "quiet" BPD, and really has so much of themselves put together. The rages are far, far lighter than what is commonly described here. My partner does not go on shopping sprees or engage in self harm. The damage my partner inflicts is largely emotional and directed to me. Compared to last year before my last post, they appear far less frequently.
Somehow, I want this to work out people! It may seem slight to many folks who have been in marriages and had kids but it feels already like a big investment for me. I know I have fears of the actual separation (we live together) and also finding new love that is not affected by BPD. I'm also aware that I'm about to get a serious pull back, and question my own ability to put that in perspective of BPD.
That's a lot to digest, if you made it this far (or even read my previous thread), thank you. Any feedback appreciated.
