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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread  (Read 5870 times)
Anez
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« on: January 11, 2016, 07:46:07 PM »

I'm 6 days NC - except for quick hellos at work as we work in the same office - and I know from working with my therapist that this is the right path for me. She broke it off in sept and we've been texting off and on the past month or so, all initiated by me.

Anyways, we all know NC can be tough. The past few hours I've had some thoughts of how I miss her. So instead of keeping those thoughts in or, even worse, texting her I'm here asking that we all help each other when we have these moments in NC.

Need to vent about how hard NC can be? Sound off here. Want to just get stuff off your chest? Do it here. Want to offer words of encouragement? Do it here!

These thoughts I have now will pass. Just posting this helps.

We can all do this!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2016, 08:47:57 PM »

NC is really hard, especially if you see her in the office. 

I agree that coming here is a good idea.  Right now I don't have a huge desire to contact him, but I know sooner or later I will get the urge.

Mostly because I miss sharing things with him.  I will see stuff he likes and I want to take pics and share ... ., the urge is so strong.  It's not even wanting to get back together ... .it's just missing that fun interaction we once had.

I have told my friends about my struggles, and they have told me to call or text them to share things instead of him.  I guess that makes them a replacement, which is maybe not good ... .but it's better than contacting someone who has hurt me and left me high and dry.

Stay strong, focus on yourself, and focus on friends and family that you love.  This place is a god send.  I'm doing much better after I've found this resource
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Anez
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2016, 08:54:03 PM »

Totally get the just wanting to share photos and stuff she likes that we used to joke around about. It's like she's dead now but I see her or hear her from time to time at work.

But my mindset is changing each day. Getting stronger. Slowly. But it's happening.
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Anez
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2016, 11:08:31 AM »

Day 7. Here we go. Sure, I say quick hellos at work but that's it. Nothing like before. No texts at night. Staying strong and focused.

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AmIReadyForThis

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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2016, 11:25:05 AM »

I commend you Anez. I went NC for a few weeks and it was very difficult. I couldn't imagine working in the same office as my ex.

Some days are surprisingly easy, others are paaaaainful. I had survived my NC period, and we are actually talking and hanging out again. I know things don't always work out in that way, and I may have been lucky my NC lasted only a few weeks.

Stay strong my friend. We are all here for you, even if you just need to vent and release your thoughts/feelings.
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Anez
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2016, 11:34:57 AM »

Thanks, AmIReady.

I just randomly looked out my window from my office and saw her walking into our building from the parking garage. What timing. And I had THOSE FEELINGS again.

man, I hate this. back to repeating my mantra.

I swear my recovery would be so much better if i didn't have to see her every day but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm not leaving my great job over her.

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AmIReadyForThis

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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2016, 11:39:31 AM »

You shouldn't have to leave the great job just because of her.

Things will get easier! Is it possible to move your desk in a way that doesn't easily allow you to look out the window? Could be a small step in taking that potential of seeing her "out the window" (pun intended).
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Anez
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2016, 11:47:19 AM »

Yea, I never really see her from my window. today was just random. I do get to see and hear here when she eats her lunch in the lounge that is right by my desk ... .which is just awesome.

but I gotta battle the fantasy memories with the real memories. she hurt me really badly and threw me away. and it's her loss.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2016, 12:15:14 PM »

NC is really hard, especially if you see her in the office. 

I agree that coming here is a good idea.  Right now I don't have a huge desire to contact him, but I know sooner or later I will get the urge.

Mostly because I miss sharing things with him.  I will see stuff he likes and I want to take pics and share ... ., the urge is so strong.  It's not even wanting to get back together ... .it's just missing that fun interaction we once had.

I have told my friends about my struggles, and they have told me to call or text them to share things instead of him.  I guess that makes them a replacement, which is maybe not good ... .but it's better than contacting someone who has hurt me and left me high and dry.

Stay strong, focus on yourself, and focus on friends and family that you love.  This place is a god send.  I'm doing much better after I've found this resource

I miss a friendship with her.  I'm not interested in getting back with her, but I want that connection back.  Like Anez, I work with mine.  I heard a song where I was having lunch that is in her genre of choice and I instantly thought of her.  I miss our talks more than anything.  Not the romantic stuff, just sharing stuff with her. 

I'm the one who forced a NC (or at the very least extreme LC because of work) order for 2 months.  I figured it was the best plan for me.  It wasn't meant as punishment but I have moments of weakness where I want to talk to her.  I know I can't because the wounds are still fresh.  I realize that NC isn't hard line, it's ok if I "step back".  Like I said, I don't want a romantic r/s with her again... .far far to much has happened for that to be possible.  But I do want to talk to her. I want to check on her.  I want to just be there with her, as foreign as it may sound.  We have been NC/ELC for almost 2 weeks now. 

It's hard.  Today's been really hard for me.
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Anez
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2016, 12:44:49 PM »

My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2016, 12:59:30 PM »

My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.

That's the only reason why I don't reach out.  It 'tells' her that I'm ok with what she did and that I'm ok being treated like a dog.  Well, worse than a dog really.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2016, 01:57:46 PM »

With you guys! I'm on day 4 basically. Though I'm not counting non-interactive interactions Smiling (click to insert in post).

Your t's words about what the texts give her are great Anez-- I'll remember that.

For me NC/very LC is about taking myself out of harm's way. Every time we talk she makes these little devaluing digs at me. Who needs that? Not me. She pushed me down the self-esteem mountain and I've got to climb back up it. 
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2016, 05:10:15 PM »

I am at 2 weeks and a few days of no contact.

However, one thing that has also been hard for me, is resisting the urge to contact his family and friends.  Is anybody else going through this?  

I have been so close to texting his best friend and asking things like "Is he okay?  Has he gotten therapy?"  etc etc etc,  but I know this behavior is not acceptable, and will not bring any closure.  It will just extend things and make it worse.  Most likely, his friends will tell him about the exchange, and it will just be more "evidence" to him that I'm insane and he was right for abandoning me.  

Having a hard day today.  It takes me hours to start feeling normal . . . something about waking up each morning just resets all the hard work I've done through out the day.  

I am staying no contact, but I have been so close to contacting people he knows.  I dont know why . . .

Much love.  I really feel for everyone here
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Anez
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« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2016, 05:21:02 PM »



Rmbrworst:

You're not alone. I know how you feel. I have long stretches of good then I come back to work on a monday or tuesday and see her and go through some moments where my work on myself is ruined. But it isn't, it's ok to have emotions. they meant something to us.

Maybe in the morning you wake up and instantly put on some of your favorite music or something to get things off to a good start. or go workout, or have a good breakfast. I know how hard it is to get your mind off of them. It can be brutal sometimes. But just try your best to focus on the bad of the relationship, not just the fantasy.

And I'd suggest not reaching out to his friends for the reasons you gave. Just put it down here if you want.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? I've been having weekly sessions and it's helping. every little thing helps.

Take care of yourself and holler if you need anything.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2016, 05:28:28 PM »

Thanks so much Anez.

I am scheduled to see a therapist but not until next week.  I am confident the therapy will help.  This relationship has uncovered some emotional issues I have had since a child, and now is the time to focus on myself, and focus on what I'm going to do to set boundaries for myself, and stop associating painful relationships with love.

I will never contact his friends, but I just wish he had someone to help him and get him in therapy.  His current boyfriend (these people are NEVER single I am learning . . . ) is terrible for him as he constantly validates his AWFUL behavior!

When he broke up with me, his ex called me and talked to me about what happened. Apparently he was carrying on a relationship with his ex THE WHOLE TIME behind my back and neither of us knew!

The ex's response should have been "Omg , I'm breaking up with him!  I cant believe he emotionally and physically cheated on me for 6 months."

No his answer was "Well I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'll never let go of him because I love him too much.  I guess I just have to communicate better with him so he doesn't do this to me."

wow okay . .

Well I refuse to end up like that!  We have to respect ourselves more!

Thanks again Anez, just talking makes it better.  Stay strong and stay no contact.  Focus on yourself my friend.
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Anez
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« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2016, 05:47:53 PM »

Thanks so much Anez.

I am scheduled to see a therapist but not until next week.  I am confident the therapy will help.  This relationship has uncovered some emotional issues I have had since a child, and now is the time to focus on myself, and focus on what I'm going to do to set boundaries for myself, and stop associating painful relationships with love.

I will never contact his friends, but I just wish he had someone to help him and get him in therapy.  His current boyfriend (these people are NEVER single I am learning . . . ) is terrible for him as he constantly validates his AWFUL behavior!

When he broke up with me, his ex called me and talked to me about what happened. Apparently he was carrying on a relationship with his ex THE WHOLE TIME behind my back and neither of us knew!

The ex's response should have been "Omg , I'm breaking up with him!  I cant believe he emotionally and physically cheated on me for 6 months."

No his answer was "Well I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'll never let go of him because I love him too much.  I guess I just have to communicate better with him so he doesn't do this to me."

wow okay . .

Well I refuse to end up like that!  We have to respect ourselves more!

Thanks again Anez, just talking makes it better.  Stay strong and stay no contact.  Focus on yourself my friend.

Well we all know how that relationship will end up!

I know it's hard to see at times - it is for me - but it sounds like that guy wasn't right for you longterm, if he's gonna do all of that. focus on the bad. When a good memory comes up, follow it up with a bad one.

Therapy will be good for you. Mine knows a lot about BPD and it's very helping. I'm not over the r/s yet but I've seen some small steps that have helped. Don't beat yourself up and just have faith in time and space.

I'm going to the gym, eating better, and I'm gonna try something i've always wanted to try - i'm gonna take a standup comedy class that ends with a 5 minute performance at a real club. I'm nervous as hell to do it but no better time to step out of your comfort zone and learn more about yourself than right now.

take care of yourself and always sound off here. We're all here for ya.
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VitaminC
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« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2016, 06:41:46 PM »

My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.

Oh, jeez, of course! I've been friendly to mine as well - because I've done the homework and can handle it. I'm testing myself - its been two weeks.  I must be nuts.

But yea, he reaches out " I can't think. I haven't left the house in three days. Im alone"

And I say " well, in busy now". [ pause, silence from other end ]

I say " I can  meet you for a quick tea later "

Then I suggest a time & place and impatiently say " well? Yes or no? I've stuff to do"

" OK " he says, using his pathetic voice.

All ridiculous.  Didn't really affect me much, and I noted how there was not even a moment of curiosity or, god forbid, concern for my emotional support well- being.  Just like with a small child, really.

But yea, the real kick is that while I put myself in danger, he  continues to spin around in his own world and imagine he is blameless. Obviously, I mean, if he were so bad and not right in all the things he said and did, I would hardly be able to look at him, right?

Yes, I'm teaching him a lesson alright. The same one his deluded and protective mother has taught him - he's fine, other people are the problem.

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Anez
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« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2016, 11:18:32 PM »

I still look at my phone at night to see if she texted me full well knowing that she's not gonna and that she's not good for me.

Man, how lame is that!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2016, 11:25:37 PM »

I still look at my phone at night to see if she texted me full well knowing that she's not gonna and that she's not good for me.

Man, how lame is that!

Dont worry, I do the same thing.  It's largely from habit.  We texted each other good morning, and good night, and we updated each other with our day constantly.

Tonight, I'm going to bed early and tucking the phone away. 

Constant connection makes this stuff even harder.  Breaking up now is so different than when I was younger.  Was a much easier process to go NC.

Much love
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2016, 11:25:44 PM »

I totally do this do. Dang.

If they are vindictive & punishing (like it's beginning to dawn on me that mine is), then each text/no text chance is another chance to discard & reject you. Ugh.

I still look at my phone at night to see if she texted me full well knowing that she's not gonna and that she's not good for me.

Man, how lame is that!

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Anez
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« Reply #20 on: January 12, 2016, 11:28:52 PM »

We used to text all day/night and say goodnight every night. She hasn't initiated texting since October. But yet I still look.

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Anez
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« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2016, 10:26:43 AM »

Day 8. here we go!
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Scopikaz
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« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2016, 10:35:12 AM »

As I've said before too I can't go over three days without texting her. We supposedly are going to a concert end of this month. A musical middle of next month. And another concert in March. She agreed to these. And I suspect it's only unless she has a solid replacement by then. I sort of think she's finding it more difficult to meet someone good.  Anyhow. For me it would be great to never contact her again. But even if she doesn't reach out to me I fear/know I will to her as they get closer.
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Anez
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« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2016, 12:00:34 PM »

Well ... .something weird just happened. I'm leaving the kitchen at work after getting some tea. and she turns the corner and we just put our hands up and high-fived and laughed and kept walking.

what a bizarre moment.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2016, 12:18:34 PM »

Whoa, strange! Hopefully good though. How did you feel afterwards?

Starting day 5 for me, though it's really LC, not NC. She called on Monday and in response I texted her back on Tuesday. She waited until the evening to reply (a short, BIFF reply), and in response I texted her back an even shorter BIFF. Maybe we're trickling down our contact, drying it up.

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Anez
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« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2016, 12:26:11 PM »

It kicked back in the "I miss her and want her back" thoughts. I came back to my desk and wondered what she thought of the moment.

such a silly thing to happen but that's how we were. it was actually kind of a nice moment.

i hate all of this stuff!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2016, 12:31:13 PM »

I know! The good interactions are bad for us and the bad ones hurt too! Can't win! (except by getting stronger, more detached!)

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MapleBob
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« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2016, 12:34:00 PM »

I guess I'm at Day 5. It's weird, I kind of don't miss her at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Anez
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« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2016, 12:43:18 PM »

I know! The good interactions are bad for us and the bad ones hurt too! Can't win! (except by getting stronger, more detached!)

yea, it might have reinforced to her that what she did was ok and that I'm not really upset at her for all she did to me. or maybe not. Who knows with BPD.

It was just a moment that I wasn't expecting. We haven't talked in 8 days and I didn't just want to ignore her or just offer some quiet hello. I still want to show her that i'm ok and i am strong so i just put my hand up in the air and she hit and let out a good chuckle and we kept walking in our different directions.

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Anez
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« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2016, 12:43:45 PM »

I guess I'm at Day 5. It's weird, I kind of don't miss her at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

that's great, maple. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy.
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