I was reading the thread started by mm1024 about Going to Trial and thought I would provide an update on DH's situation. Thanks LivednLearned and others for your comments on that thread and many others as information about what has happened with others has helped me.
In DH's case, his ex is trying to get sole guardianship of SS21, who has special needs. DH and his ex have been joint guardians since SS turned 18, but you can imagine how smoothly that has gone.
Their joint agreement said that they would take disagreements to an arbitrator -- problem is that DH's ex dragged her feet on hiring an arbitrator and then fired the only one she would agree on. He was a retired judge and she called him unprofessional, biased, etc. and asked him to withdraw. DH has endured the madness of trying to work jointly with his ex because DH's L didn't figure DH would get sole guardianship (not common for the courts to award it if both parents want to be involved.) And because SS21 really wants to have both parents (he is all about fairness, 50/50, etc.) as his guardians. DH's ex is filing for sole saying that she can't work with DH and that DH is unfit as a guardian.
DH's ex has sent hundreds of emails over the years, and DH has kept most of them. In some cases, DH's ex has attached some of her inflammatory emails to her own affidavit, which is fascinating. She even included two emails she sent to her L years ago that show how she tried to explain her actions at the time. These emails show all sorts of twists of the truth and projections. We would have never seen these emails to her L if she hadn't put them in her evidence, so it is fascinating reading. I guess she figures it is a good summary of her memory of the time. Meanwhile, DH had filed an affidavit in court a few months after those emails, which outlines all the things going on, with email evidence, etc. Just reading her emails compared to his affidavit explain why it is so difficult to work with her. Because his old affidavit was filed, it can be used as evidence in this case which has turned out to be very important. Much of what DH's ex has brought up is old and based on her memory. DH has sworn, filed evidence to pull from. I'm not sure she remembered or told her L about the filed affidavit, but I imagine the L is realizing things may not be as they have been relayed by her client.
We are getting huge lawyer bills leading up to the trial. At least DH's L has really tried to limit her billing. His affidavit has included the provision for his ex to pay costs if the judge doesn't grant her sole guardianship, but DH's L warned that "costs" won't include much and most judges are reluctant to award against a single mom. DH and I have spent hours going through his ex's affidavit pointing out all the inaccuracies and pointing to evidence in all the filed documents. It is horribly time consuming because almost everything DH's ex says has a grain of truth. So we have to see where she contradicts herself and that takes a lot of time (which is why her sending hundreds of emails is both good for evidence but bad for the hours it takes to read and sort them all!)
So my advice as others have said over and over here is Document Everything! Actually looking back some type of log or diary would have been helpful to make it easier to sort through what was happening and when because this has gone on for so many years.
Both SS21 and DH are understandably nervous about the trial. For SS21, he has been told so much conflicting information, he isn't sure what will happen. His Mom has told him it would be up to him to pick which parent would be his guardian. We have corrected that and in fact DH has told SS21 that he isn't even going for sole as his first option. Instead he is going for joint with a much more rigorous process around hiring/firing of arbitrators. So we try to help SS21 keep things in perspective (he is with each parent 50/50 so we usually have to go through a process at the beginning of each week with us to get him calmed down.) SS21 has a T but frankly the person isn't very good and until this all shakes out, DH can't suggest pursuing someone else. DH has tried to get SS21 some support during the time he has to be in court and a tour of the court and a neutral party explaining what will happen. His ex must agree to this as well, and so far has blocked all support. She says he's doing fine.
DH is struggling as he basically has to relive the last 8 or 9 years as he reads all her "evidence". He has a horrible memory (likely a coping mechanism) so I am often remind him of what was going on as we sort through the mountains of evidence. It will be a long 5 weeks leading up to the trial. We are trying to look after ourselves as best we can -- exercising, eat healthy -- but often our sleep isn't sound with all the stuff bouncing in our heads. Doesn't help that I'm menopausal.
DH will have to endure his ex's L trying to trip him up, which is ugly when his ex has twisted pretty much everything and it isn't easy for him to remember timing and sequences of events. His L is going prep in the next few weeks to help prepare him for that.
I will try to post on here what works and doesn't work so others can learn, as it has helped me reading others posts here. Please continue to post ideas and suggestions if you have them.
