Feeling crazy and scared when relating abuse

[RoboBird]

**Trigger Warning**

So, pretty much as the subject says. Had to go for my yearly women's health check-up... .and they asked me about any problems at home. I poured out about uBPD husband and the abuse that occurred, not to mention the in-laws and enmeshment issues, also my own social anxiety and agoraphobia. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything... .like I was being a melodramatic little b****. I literally have no one to talk to but here, one other place, a couple online friends, and well... .my therapist I see rarely(due to cost). To top it off, some chick from my old HS was there and I really hope this stuff doesn't get out. I feel pretty horrid about it.

I freak out, because this little town is so lop-sided and I'm worried it's gonna come back to bite me the butt. The abuse was very real. He slapped me during a panic attack, grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me out of a makeshift bed because I didn't want to deal with his verbal abuse concerning his "normal family". There are times he's blocked entry, came at me screaming, stood over me, and just stared me down for 30 minutes to an hour at the worst times. Not to mention the mind games, financial abuse, control issues, and his malevolent family. Add infidelity to that. I would've been out of here if it weren't for social anxiety, C-PTSD, agoraphobia and a positive place to stay.

Feel like I'm nuts for venting. Like I'm just whining, melodramatic and an idiot.

After the BS with the infidelity, (and of course blaming it on me for a magical negative thought he had), I told him we should divorce or he needed to seek treatment. To be honest, I don't see him in my future. This seek treatment thing is something to make things easier for me, and hey- if he benefits and is actually using it properly... .good for him. I've seen him lie or omit in couples therapy, but my therapist is well aware of his behavior and abuse. It's funny... .he even bought Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Still, I've pretty much given up on him, and that set me free. Made it easier to deal with everything. Easier to take care of myself, and draw those lines to ensure my own safety and emotional wellbeing. The only way I would stay with him is if he took responsibility for his actions, went completely no contact with his cult-like abusive/enmeshed family, acknowledged his dishonesty and delusions, and finally... .felt remorse for his actions and apologized to me for everything.

Right now, I'm just working on myself and trying to get to a point where I can be out on my own and sustain a living. Been in this cage too long. Tired of feeling like the crazy one.

Thanks for reading.

[Caley]

It's funny... .he even bought Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Might this suggest that he feels like he is being attacked in some way? And, is actively looking for solutions in which to deal with how he feels he is being treated? Generally, that is.!

The only way I would stay with him is if he took responsibility for his actions, went completely no contact with his cult-like abusive/enmeshed family, acknowledged his dishonesty and delusions, and finally... .felt remorse for his actions and apologized to me for everything.

This would be a big ask for someone who is looking to learn about boundary setting.

Your statement implies that you are giving him an ultimatum (which seldom, if ever, work). He has to own up to all these things and take on the idea that he is a thoroughly unpleasant person (further attack). You are asking him to cut off all contact with his family (who, it seems to you, are toxic too ... more attack). To be with you, you are demanding that he show remorse ...  which is going to further reduce his feelings of self-worth because he will feel that he has to back down (making you better than he ... in his eyes) ... and this may lead him to feel that you consider him to be beneath you.

My point is this...

You are asking someone that displays defiance as a defence mechanism, in all manner of ways, to defer to people who he may feel are threatening, extremely critical of him and hypocritical. I agree, it does all seem a little twisted unless you can truly put yourself in that person's shoe's and see things (without prejudice) from a very different perspective from your own 'personal' one.

Consider for a moment that his family of origin, or an influential member of his FOO, has treated him in this way for much of his life. If this is the case ... can you see how he might feel that you're being just like that person?

He might feel that it is easier for him to just go and try again with someone else (since he is not good enough for you). Which, quite naturally, would lead you to think that he discarded you in a most horrible way, furthering your idea that he is uncaring and you are better off without him, and further fuelling his idea that you think he isn't equal to you.

Not that I'm condoning his behaviour (which is awful and hurtful) ... what I'm trying to point to is ... whilst his actions are hurtful and rejecting ... your words, in reaction to his actions (to him) are equally as hurtful and rejecting. Does that make any sense? Perhaps, perhaps not.

These are just my thoughts surrounding these dynamics RoboBird and not, in any way, backed up by empirical study. However, when we say that we try to see things from other people's points of view ... are we really being honest with ourselves about doing so? And, are we truly tapping into our ability to make use of the ability to truly and unconditionally empathise?

I am wondering why you started this thread with "Trigger Warning" and what that might have meant at the time of writing. I'm wondering if you intuitively expected a reply which would trigger some frustration.

I hope not.

We all want our share of love and happiness, a sense of purpose, and to feel validated and fulfilled. I believe we should try to make efforts to see things from as many view points as we can ... prior to making judgements (which is a natural tool of humanity). And, I feel it is right to maintain our personal values and walk away from those, with very different values, who we feel are detriment and non-conducive to emotional security, fair play and peaceful living.

All the best to us all as we try, in our own ways, to unravel all of this.

[RoboBird]

I am wondering why you started this thread with "Trigger Warning" and what that might have meant at the time of writing. I'm wondering if you intuitively expected a reply which would trigger some frustration.

Thank you for your reply. Honestly, this is far from meaning to be a flame/troll post. I posted my true feelings on the matter and inserted the trigger warning due the abuse being outlined. I figured it would be polite to give someone a heads up about it. I'm sorry you feel that way.

Regarding the other things you mentioned. I have been in therapy myself for FOO issues (some of which were diagnosed BPDs), so sometimes when we would have our relationship problems I'd invite him into counseling for a couples session. Usually, the first thing brought up with him is boundaries. I understand it's hard when you're in a negative family culture where breaking/stepping over boundaries is encouraged or allowed, had to do some self-work on that myself. Mainly, not getting walked over due to my scapegoat role... .but there were definitely things I had to learn regarding others as well.

After about three therapists telling him about boundary issues, he only started wondering what they were this year. Literally, had no idea. The tipping point was Dave Ramsey mentioning the book on his radio show and talking about them in reference to a caller. He absolutely idolizes the fellow. His father was never there for him, so I'm glad he has a positive male role model. It does get tiresome to hear of him so much, though. But hey, there's worse things. So, honestly I'm very thankful he's examining such things. Even if I'm not with him, at least he's learning something that will be beneficial to his mental health.

To be honest, I never said these "ultimatum" type things to his face. These are more of personal things that I wish for, but know I cannot really expect. I am perfectly aware of the fact that saying such things would cause more harm than good, and have even brought it up with my therapist confirming it. The last thing I want to do is set him back when he's making progress.

When we first met I was dealing with FOO problems, so he probably found it intriguing. To be honest, I wasn't the best person at the time and had more than a few issues to deal with. He probably found it familiar, he's always been attracted to  people with problems he could "save". Not to mention it reminded him of his mother or his family in general. I know I did some hurtful and uncalled for things. However, I did apologize for them and acknowledged them for what they were. It pained me, but it lead to growth. The problem with his FOO is that whenever he sees them for even a short time he takes massive steps back and goes back to Lost Child mode- not to mention the incidents that occur within a week's time where he lashes out.

And in reference to the infidelity thing, he said it was because I didn't want to go with him to the hospital when he had a surgery- even though I stayed at his side for two days straight. I have tried to be a loving and welcoming wife, but when someone pushes you away and withdraws affections like a game- I do not feel very inclined to be so forward.

For now, that is all I will say about those things.

I hope for his progress, but I cannot expect it. And it's hard for me to trust him after everything. That's what I meant by posting this thread. That I feel so nonsensical for even mentioning any of it. Guess I shouldn't of, right?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RoboBird, No, you're not crazy.  Letting the abuse out in the light of day is the first step, in my view, towards healing and recovery.  So many are silent about abuse, which only allows it to continue.  You have nothing to be scared or ashamed about.  One problem with abuse is that the person abused is often afraid to talk about it, which is why you may be "feeling crazy and scared."  It's OK, you're on the right path.  Feel free to speak openly about it, here and elsewhere, is my suggestion.  I admire your courage.

LuckyJim