Another morning validation challenge...help me learn here

[EaglesJuju]

She likes hugs and touch, it's important to her.  Been that way for years, so I do it.  I have tried in the past, to hug and then try to get into a talk, never really worked out well.

I think you may want to consider doing this right away when you meet her tonight. I am not suggesting this as way for her to talk. FF, I really believe that she is looking for reassurance. I think her work situation is one of the causes for her recent behavior. Reading between the lines of her email to work and things she has said to you, I get the impression that she feels like she is not good enough or her self-esteem has been plummeting. As hugs are very important to her and convey a message of love, I think that may be something she needs tonight.    

Let me get back to you in a couple days has a low success rate.

I agree with you. Waiting or delaying for days does not tend to work well with impulsive people.  

Neat observation:  :)18's clear #1 love language is gift giving.  Been stable there for long time.  So when I would fly off in my Navy plane, I would usually bring her something back.  Amazing to watch the impact on someone that has a gift giving love language to say "Hey... .was thinking of you while I was in Key West.  Saw this in the store and figured you would like it."    Truly magical.

Understanding another person's Love Languages really work. That is very thoughtful of you to remember your daughter. It is magical when we can convey our love to someone in the way that they understand.  

[formflier]

  I'm hearing lots of calls for amnesty during dinner.  My purpose for the entire thing is to communicate.  She picked location.  Communication does not equal calling her out or persecution.  If she wants to feel persecuted, that is her right.  It's up to me to present my ideas in a respectful, emotionally healthy way, what she does with it is her business.  So, I'm not saying I'm punting amnesty but I asked for a chance for us to be together and talk, she has agreed.   In my world, if I backed out on communicating, .well, that's not who I am.  

FF

[formflier]

  I think you may want to consider doing this right away when you meet her tonight. I am not suggesting this as way for her to talk.

FF, I really believe that she is looking for reassurance.   

 I agree.  As far as format of talk I'm seeing hugs and reassurance.  Be there for what she wants to talk about.  My stuff.  Sort of an odd SET.    The thinking is that she needs to be prepared to talk.  

FF

[EaglesJuju]

I think you may want to consider doing this right away when you meet her tonight. I am not suggesting this as way for her to talk. FF, I really believe that she is looking for reassurance. 

I agree.

As far as format of talk I'm seeing hugs and reassurance.  Be there for what she wants to talk about.  My stuff.

Sort of an odd SET. 

The thinking is that she needs to be prepared to talk.

I think this is a good strategy to reassure and relax her. I imagine that she will be tense if she is meeting you right after school, especially with the e-mail this morning. It sets the mood or tone for both of you, when things are relaxed right away. With immediate tension, conversations can become uncomfortable and awkward. 

I'm crossing my fingers for you. Let us know how it goes. 

[Cole]

This relationship and my family is not worth the cost to my health if ridiculous behavior returns as a regular feature.  If we get back to some sort of stability I am OK.

I need help from you guys to define ridiculous.

She can yell and scream about aux cords all she wants.  I am solid on being OK.

Sleep deprivation and threatening police action to get her way is ridiculous, blocking doorways so I am trapped is in that category as well.

Yes, That is ridiculous. In fact, I would call it abusive.

I was dealing with this type of crap last summer. Me putting my foot down on this and other behavior is a good part of the reason W decided she wanted a divorce and moved out.

In our case, it caused her to "grow the hell up". If you recall, she was gone for a very short period of time and begged to come back shortly thereafter. Firmly ensconced in the drivers seat, I demanded extensive psychiatric care and therapy as a condition of moving back in. She agreed and things have been pretty good lately because she knows I would rather let her leave than put up with the behavior. 

It took something that extreme for us to get things on track. I hope it does not need to go that far for you, but you do need to protect your health for your own good and the good of your children.     

[Cole]

I'd like to offer that the need for validation doesn't change just because a disabled person is expressing it badly. We wouldn't withhold affection from an autistic child because they are having a tantrum. We'd pull them close and reassure them. Same with a disabled adult. Withholding shouldn't be a way we are trying to control and modify their behavior. I don't believe it is "giving in" to see the need for validation even if it is expressed in an immature manner. The key is to give the validation in a way that 1) is genuine 2) meets the original need and 3) helps the person learn to regulate.

I have an autistic child, as well. There is a big difference between a child who has trouble expressing a need for validation and an adult who is using abusive behavior to extract it, especially when no amount given will ever be enough.

My wife is very stable at the moment and admits she was knowingly being manipulative and passive aggressive in seeking validation. And she fully admits that there is no way I could ever have given her the amount of validation she was looking for because she had decided that she was going to punish me for not loving her enough. In her mind, marrying me should have fixed her low self esteem. When it didn't, she felt abandoned and decided to punish me for it.    

When I said I was not accepting this behavior anymore, she wanted a divorce and moved out. I did not want a divorce, but I let her think I did. (and her BFF joined in by telling her that I was now "fair game". As she explains it to me, it only took her a few hours at her new place to realize her childish behavior was costing her everything and she decided to "grow the hell up". Her words, not mine.    

Fortunately, she now recognizes that it is not up to me to fix her self esteem, that she has to do it. She is working very diligently with her T to find out why she was acting the way she was and prevent it from happening again.  

[formflier]

  Cole and HurtinNW, Good stuff.  Here is the nuance that I am seeking to place myself in.  I'm trying to find the "right" amount of validation, compliments, etc etc that I should be providing as a loving husband and provide that.  I know there will be a deficit, and I will wish her well in her quest to fill that deficit.    Part of me says I need to be more deliberate in expressing validation, being there for her, etc etc will still making sure that my boundaries are firm.  If anyone see's what I'm doing as a shocking change, or out of line.  Please express that.    Not sure I'm expressing myself as clearly as I want.    One more try, I want to be an above average validater and listener.  Right now I think I am a bit below average, since I'm still learning and tweaking my style.  It still seems weird to me.  Anyway, when it comes to boundaries, I want to be the best and I think I'm pretty close.  That when it matters, I don't budge.  Off to get ready for the dinner.  

FF

[formflier]

Waiting at restaurant.  She is calling and texting kids behind my back telling them to do things and go places.    Basically undoing the plan in place.  Not shocked she is trying to sabotage this.  

FF

[ColdEthyl]

Waiting at restaurant.  She is calling and texting kids behind my back telling them to do things and go places. 

Basically undoing the plan in place.

Not shocked she is trying to sabotage this.

FF

Oh man, FF *hugs*

[formflier]

  Near as I can figure, she wants me out of the house this weekend so she can spend time with her sister and her three kids that are here, plus a yappy dog.   I discovered this when I cam home from walking out on my wife during out conversation in the restaurant.  We were having a good conversation, she became critical and called me a slob.  I walked out.  Not stormed out, I didn't fling any words but I was not going to stay there and be a target.  More in a while.   

FF  

[ColdEthyl]

Awwwww man    Thinking of you right now, FF. I hope all is well.