So unfair...worst situation ever. Wish I could save her from what's to come.

[stoic83]

Hi,

I had a child with a very disturbed woman (BPD). In any case without going in to details, I have viscillated between wanting to stay far away out of self preservation and wanting to rescue the child from her mother. She has done at least 100 criminal things to me. Whether or not she is 'evil' aka sociopathic tendencies along with the BPD, her desire to hurt me is absolutely incomprehensible. No need to list them out. But her behavior is insane and she's destroying my life, and I can't get rid of her. I'm tired of being told there is nothing I can do to get custody... .that she will have some custody. On top of that i had to leave the state due to her stalking and harassment and this is a catch 22. I can't have this woman as a big part of my life. She's like an attack animal when she gets triggered and I can't be exposed to it anymore. I am worried about the child (which i don't call mine... because I haven't bonded with her, intentionally because it isn't safe for me... or for her). I would like her to have a good life though, and I know she will not with this woman. I favored adoption initially when she decided to go through with her pregnancy, but I know how much better her life would be with me... .and I just feel helpless. I don't have family in the area but i would be willing to move closer to healthy relatives... .but not live in a city with her close by... .not at this point anyways.

I can't get her to stop acting out. She's slandering me all over the internet and constantly threatening me with legal action. She was pregnant just 6 weeks after meeting me via a combination of deception and physical coercion (sleeping and awake). Ever since then (1.5 years ago) my life has been a living nightmare. Just not stop threats and harassment from her and her family of mentally ill/abusive people. All of them.

I'm over this. If I'm being held responsible for a child that was forced on me by an abusive woman. Then I want to raise her myself. I have a lot of emotional walls up, but I would deeply love and provide for this child and her life would be a 100 times better with me... all she can say is she keeps a clean house and she isn't neglected. This is terrible... I can't allow myself to have too much feeling while she's with this VERY disturbed woman... .it would just hurt more than i can handle. I can't have anything to do with her. Eventhough I'm such a victim, I'm just in such a bad position legally... .it hurts, feel helpless, soul just crushed over and over. Wish there was something I could do where i wouldn't have to throw my entire life down the toilet. Money and court with not much of a chance, is a bad deal. Is it so I can say "I tried". Professionals tell me i will only get 50/50.

What kind of attorney should I look for? The last one I had just wanted to make deals about money with the lawyer she had. She can't afford another one. I need to use whatever leverage I have to pry this child away from this woman. It's a shame I make 5 times more than she does right now. There's a huge conflict of interest. How could she do what's right for the child with double her income coming in? I'm not going to feel right about this. This child is not in good hands, and I sure as hell don't want to enable this type of upbringing financially.

I often think about quitting my job. I don't want to be an easy target anymore. She's going to make me burn through money in court, and then i would just be working to pay her and attornies. Nobody understands. I just don't want to finance this state backed terrorism especially when their ideas about parenting are "good enough" or "better than a crack hooker".

The jurisdiction would be in a bad county for me.

I'm up against it all... .any advice? I've been going through a lot on this journey. But even the counselor said I'm delusional if I thought I could get custody... .before the session. Afterwards he started to think I had a better chance. He told me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. The judge we were going to have last time adopted 10 kids... .that's pretty abnormal if you ask me. I don't trust someone like that to make responsible decisions about children.

Ugh... .

[bravhart1]

We are broke and exhausted, but never stopped trying to get the information out there and in front of decisions makers. She put up a real fight and it got dirty, I know all about night and day and Internet and employment harassment. But we have full custody of my step daughter, mom is ordered no contact.

She needed help and it was a last straw but everyone saw she was not stable, and that she did not honor or respect the court orders.

I tell you this to say, don't give up. This child only has you to save her. It CAN be done.

I've been hurt, bitter, broke and angrier than I thought possible, but I never gave up. If I(and of course her father) didn't stand up to fight for this child's future who would?

They all told us it wouldn't matter what she does, that moms don't get taken away. We didn't go in asking for moms removal, we went in asking for mom to get help. Then prove she got help by way of her therapists reports that she was seeing growth. But the therapist couldn't say she saw growth, and in fact said mom was unstable and NOT getting it, and not  trying to get it. If your ex is as screwed up as this woman, then she won't get it either. It takes time, but the child deserves to be safe.

[ForeverDad]

I recall my lawyer telling me I might not get good results from court.  He even warned me that our Custody Evaluator was treated like god in court and it might go against me.  I said to proceed, not doing it would surely have kept my ex in control and me begging for crumbs.  I figured court could hardly be worse.  Actually, the CE report summarized it well, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lost temp custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody."  Strong words, firmly in my favor.  Yes, court delayed doing anything right them, but it was a landmark event for me.

So yes, a good lawyer won't sugar coat your expectations.  At this point it might seem too much doom and gloom, as with my lawyer as I related above.  However, with good strategies, determined patience and good documentation of the poor behavior patterns, the outcome can definitely be better than the 'typical' estimations.  The key is to get an honest lawyer who will go the extra mile for you, a real problem solver, not just someone who applies the same formula for you as for all his/her other clients.

And yes, you might not come out on top in court at first.  That is a real possibility... .at first.  I recall it took me nearly 2.4 years to move from alternate weekends to equal time.  A few more years and it got even better.  I consider it was a win for my child, now a teenager, even if the process took years.  Something is better than nothing, right?

Besides turning to court for the real fixes and stair-step improvements, also work on your own stability.  Whipsawing your emotions from one extreme to the other, such as can/can't catastrophizing, won't help you and will divert what precious energy you do have.

[stoic83]

I recall my lawyer telling me I might not get good results from court.  He even warned me that our Custody Evaluator was treated like god in court and it might go against me.  I said to proceed, not doing it would surely have kept my ex in control and me begging for crumbs.  I figured court could hardly be worse.  Actually, the CE report summarized it well, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lost temp custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody."  Strong words, firmly in my favor.  Yes, court delayed doing anything right them, but it was a landmark event for me.

So yes, a good lawyer won't sugar coat your expectations.  At this point it might seem too much doom and gloom, as with my lawyer as I related above.  However, with good strategies, determined patience and good documentation of the poor behavior patterns, the outcome can definitely be better than the 'typical' estimations.  The key is to get an honest lawyer who will go the extra mile for you, a real problem solver, not just someone who applies the same formula for you as for all his/her other clients.

And yes, you might not come out on top in court at first.  That is a real possibility... .at first.  I recall it took me nearly 2.4 years to move from alternate weekends to equal time.  A few more years and it got even better.  I consider it was a win for my child, now a teenager, even if the process took years.  Something is better than nothing, right?

Besides turning to court for the real fixes and stair-step improvements, also work on your own stability.  Whipsawing your emotions from one extreme to the other, such as can/can't catastrophizing, won't help you and will divert what precious energy you do have.

Forever Dad how much did you have to communicate with the mother? Did you have a girlfriend or wife at the time?

I don't want to be broke and alone and fighting these awful people. Her and her family (all mentally ill) seem to thrive on chaos and hurting others... .I am not ashamed to admit that I can not tolerate it anymore.

I agree that I could be more level headed. I wish I was a braver person at times. I knew this person for 6 weeks before she got pregnant. I can't believe how much damage can be done in such a short time. I wish BPD didn't exist. It really has made life miserable.

Lessons learned. Don't be so trusting. I'm not sure how I can share custody with her when she could just show up at my house whenever. I don't want to move to her town. I have no family there, and I eventually want to live close to family... .for the kids... .whether or not I get to include this one.

Also, I just feel a lot safer far away. I was so paranoid when she was stalking me. It's very frightening for anyone whose experienced it. I am a strong man, but maybe I need an attorney who specializes in domestic violence in addition to understand high conflict personalities, because I'm sure she can use my reactions to her terrorizing behavior and say i didn't want to be involved.

It's tough to wrap your head around being a parent to a child that was conceived to hurt you.

[stoic83]

* control you.

I guess the most important question, is how do I find a good attorney.

I have talked to many attorneys and they don't seem too willing to dive in to the details and recognize this as a unique case.

[scraps66]

Having gone through three attorneys, something I wish I had done in my selection process, learned here, was to go to my local courthouse and sit through some proceedings, and observe attorneys at work.  This may even be a better way than the free consult. If you're hearing the same line form each L you speak with, it may be the case that they are parroting what they know as the norm in your courthouse.  I have dealt with the "courthouse click" where L's depend on the courthouse across the street for income and tow the party line and are resistant to challenge the system's masters and judges.  It was this environment that allowed me to be booted from my house without even my case being heard in front of the court.  For this reason, it may be advantageous to look for attorneys that have offices that are not in such close proximity to the courthouse and that practice in the neighboring counties.

Make no mistake, finding an attorney is important, and "work" to do it correctly.     

[ForeverDad]

Forever Dad how much did you have to communicate with the mother? Did you have a girlfriend or wife at the time?

I had been married for a dozen years and our child was 3 years old when we separated.  It was only after I called 911 on her that her blacklisting me became 'public' with allegations, etc.  By then I had concluded that she had no respect for my parental role or parental authority, though she was often berating me to respect her.  So in a struggle between us, it was domestic court that had to become The Real Authority.

I'm not sure how I can share custody with her when she could just show up at my house whenever.

Court expects the two divorced parents to live separate lives except for the parenting aspect.  If you don't want her at your home without a clear invitation, then make sure your order lists a neutral exchange location, in my case it was the sheriff's office at first and years later we shifted to local restaurant parking lots.  And the order should also be clear that neither parent approaches the other parent's residence without clear invitation, such as either written or emailed or maybe texted.  (Of course, you would have to document any such invitations for self-protection so that you couldn't later be framed as uninvited or invading her territory.)

I don't want to move to her town. I have no family there, and I eventually want to live close to family... .for the kids... .whether or not I get to include this one.

Also, I just feel a lot safer far away. I was so paranoid when she was stalking me. It's very frightening for anyone whose experienced it. I am a strong man, but maybe I need an attorney who specializes in domestic violence in addition to understand high conflict personalities, because I'm sure she can use my reactions to her terrorizing behavior and say I didn't want to be involved.

Court also deals with cases where parents are distant from one another.  You're not the first parent to live in another town, county or state.  I'm not sure of all the possible options in such cases, but since frequent exchanged wouldn't be possible then perhaps the remote non-primary parent gets less frequent time but when he/she does get it then it is longer.  For example, usually parents split holidays almost equally but due to the distance the remote parent may get a school age child during more of the longer holidays and get more of the summer break.  Lots of variations and possibilities there.

But one thing important for you is to demonstrate through all this stressful conflict and constant chaos that you can be the stable, reasonable parent.  Not a pushover, of course, but someone who proposes solutions rather than making problems.

Obtaining a workable court order takes time and may require returns to court until the big kinks are worked out but it does get better eventually.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[scraps66]

Forever Dad how much did you have to communicate with the mother? Did you have a girlfriend or wife at the time?

Something that will also need to be addressed, to develop, is the fact and acknowledgement that, to a degree, you are ALONE in this.  Alone from the perspective that you may come in contact with other people, explain to them what's going on, and they may not or may not want to understand what you're talking about because the behaviors are soo out there, so irrational.  So there will always be a feeling of being isolated and there is no really getting around that after spending time with a BP.

Also, I wouldn't suggest going out and getting involved with someone at this time.  I wouldn't assume that some new person in your life is going to want to hear about what's going on on a regular basis.  I've been with a woman now for almost four years and I still fear losing her due to my situation and crazy ex.  I talk too mucha bout what's going on.   

[stoic83]

Forever Dad how much did you have to communicate with the mother? Did you have a girlfriend or wife at the time?

Something that will also need to be addressed, to develop, is the fact and acknowledgement that, to a degree, you are ALONE in this.  Alone from the perspective that you may come in contact with other people, explain to them what's going on, and they may not or may not want to understand what you're talking about because the behaviors are soo out there, so irrational.  So there will always be a feeling of being isolated and there is no really getting around that after spending time with a BP.

Also, I wouldn't suggest going out and getting involved with someone at this time.  I wouldn't assume that some new person in your life is going to want to hear about what's going on on a regular basis.  I've been with a woman now for almost four years and I still fear losing her due to my situation and crazy ex.  I talk too mucha bout what's going on.   

That's where I am conflicted. I don't want to be a martyr. I care about the child, but i have spent little time with her. I just know that she's not in good hands. And the mother is a complete nutcase. So for me to forego years of a life to try to do this... .and be alone and a social leper... .isn't going to be great for me. I have emotional needs, and deserve to have companionship. This woman has an angry mob of nutters along with her. I need some "influencers". My friend who does analytics for counter terroism showed me how probabilities of outcomes in risky situations are calculated, using the number of influencers to commit the act on both sides, and the strength of their influence.

[ForeverDad]

I think scraps was saying that when we're just starting to get a handle on the issues, we're not ready for new relationships.  I recall that when I was first separated and in the middle of a crazy upside down divorce, I lamented my situation to virtually everyone.  Well, lots of people don't want to get into it.  Since a new person in your life barely knows you and certainly not the other parent, they may not know whether you're the problem solver or part of the problem.  So give it some time, emotionally you should be able to settle down, then when you meet someone, your recurring topic won't be your troubles.

A few years back I made contact with a friend from decades ago when we were teens and twenties.  Both of us are no longer young, we're middle age at best.  But she had never been married and though we're friends living states apart, she couldn't handle the concept of a third wheel in a closer relationship, the other parent.

[stoic83]

she couldn't handle the concept of a third wheel in a closer relationship, the other parent.

I would never subject any woman I cared for to having this person in their life.

The BPD woman in question said she would 'cut' any woman I met that tried to act motherly towards the child.

Maybe I should really just duck out. I never agreed to have a child with this woman. I never even had a real relationship with her.

She just coerced a pregnancy and has been harassing and stalking me ever since.

I guess if had any custody or visitation it would be an exchange at a police station and that's it.

One lawyer told me "like it or not, you are going to be looking across the table at this woman one way or another for the rest of your life".

This is disgusting. I wish they could just remove her from the entire situation and just let the child start a peaceful life with either myself or an adoptive family. I will not support this woman raising this child. I do not think it's alright. I don't want to fight in court like this is a divorce.

I am pissed about the 1500 or whatever child support I have to pay for being raped by a crazy person and not even getting the option to raise her myself.

I can't let this parasitic person wreck my life.

Whenever I am reminded of how awful she is I think of that little girl and it makes me sick. It's too painful to think about. Just a lifetime of having a mother like that. Nobody deserves such a fate.

[livednlearned]

One lawyer told me "like it or not, you are going to be looking across the table at this woman one way or another for the rest of your life".

That's not entirely true, and a bit fatalistic.

My ex is out of my life completely, so it does happen. He fought hard in the beginning and then gave up when his stuff started to get played out in front of a judge.

If you go for custody, you have to put your head down and not catastrophize. You have to put your game face on and become a partner with your lawyer so you can direct her/him and make sure everyone is on the same page.

You seem calmer than you have been in past threads, so the distance is perhaps helping you get grounded. That's what you need when you're in a high-conflict custody case.

Use this time to look at Google Scholar (under case law) to see what other cases like yours have been tried, and how different lawyers approached them, the results, etc.

You have to learn to get off the emotional roller coaster. Just get right off it and get right down to business. Scrapps idea to sit in court is a really good idea. It will give you a sense of lawyers, and also of the tenor in court.

[stoic83]

One lawyer told me "like it or not, you are going to be looking across the table at this woman one way or another for the rest of your life".

That's not entirely true, and a bit fatalistic.

My ex is out of my life completely, so it does happen. He fought hard in the beginning and then gave up when his stuff started to get played out in front of a judge.

If you go for custody, you have to put your head down and not catastrophize. You have to put your game face on and become a partner with your lawyer so you can direct her/him and make sure everyone is on the same page.

You seem calmer than you have been in past threads, so the distance is perhaps helping you get grounded. That's what you need when you're in a high-conflict custody case.

Use this time to look at Google Scholar (under case law) to see what other cases like yours have been tried, and how different lawyers approached them, the results, etc.

You have to learn to get off the emotional roller coaster. Just get right off it and get right down to business. Scrapps idea to sit in court is a really good idea. It will give you a sense of lawyers, and also of the tenor in court.

Thank you. I do feel better.

The court house is. 3 hours away in a politically strange part of Oregon (not father friendly). I guess I can go on the weekend.  Part of it just has to do with the stability I have built for myself. I work from home and am in perfect position to be flexible.

You are a woman though... it's got to be a lot easier. I'm talking to an attorney today. I wish i could get a change of jurisdiction. That would change everything it seems.

[livednlearned]

You are a woman though... it's got to be a lot easier.

Maybe. Maybe not. My ex was a former trial lawyer. We had over 60 filings in our case over a 4 year period. I certainly would not use the word "easy" to describe anything to do with my high-conflict custody. The gender bias that dads talk about was notably absent in my case, and I'm in one of the most backwards, least progressive states in the country. We still have alienation of affection laws here where you can sue (and people do) the "paramour."

I'm talking to an attorney today. I wish i could get a change of jurisdiction. That would change everything it seems.

That could very well be. My lawyer instructed me to move to a different county because it was less of a good ol' boys club in that family law court. And it was a bigger county with more serious issues, so they were less likely to entertain frivolous lawsuits. But I moved before filing -- it sounds like you have already filed something, and would need to move?

[stoic83]

You are a woman though... it's got to be a lot easier.

Maybe. Maybe not. My ex was a former trial lawyer. We had over 60 filings in our case over a 4 year period. I certainly would not use the word "easy" to describe anything to do with my high-conflict custody. The gender bias that dads talk about was notably absent in my case, and I'm in one of the most backwards, least progressive states in the country. We still have alienation of affection laws here where you can sue (and people do) the "paramour."

I'm talking to an attorney today. I wish i could get a change of jurisdiction. That would change everything it seems.

That could very well be. My lawyer instructed me to move to a different county because it was less of a good ol' boys club in that family law court. And it was a bigger county with more serious issues, so they were less likely to entertain frivolous lawsuits. But I moved before filing -- it sounds like you have already filed something, and would need to move?

No but the child is 8 months old and has lived there since birth. Supposedly that court has jurisdiction.

[livednlearned]

Probably what is going to be hardest for you is establishing yourself as a hands-on dad during your baby's first year of life. That is going to matter more than gender.

You probably already know this -- you need your lawyer to spell out a strategy to explain why you felt it was a reasonable and wise decision to get distance from the mother. We know why you did it, you need to explain that to a judge in a level-headed way, with evidence.

[stoic83]

Probably what is going to be hardest for you is establishing yourself as a hands-on dad during your baby's first year of life. That is going to matter more than gender.

You probably already know this -- you need your lawyer to spell out a strategy to explain why you felt it was a reasonable and wise decision to get distance from the mother. We know why you did it, you need to explain that to a judge in a level-headed way, with evidence.

Pretty much. It's not a good situation. I think the best thing I have going for me is all the crazy men she's had in and out of her life... .and even around the child. It's hard for me to look at as my baby. My initial solution was thinking that by giving her control, that she would stop freaking out and harassing me. We signed an agreement before the child was born that I wasn't going to be held responsible... .

[iron pigeon]

Emotional well-being.

I want to chime in on something that has not been covered here in this thread yet.   There seems to be an importance of emotional well being.   This seemed to include things like not being martyr and putting distance for a feeling of safety.   It sounds like there have been a couple other threads which I have not seen, so forgive me if I take a step in the wrong direction.

I went through a year of hostile unpredictable behavior to try and keep my family together.

By the end of it, I actually had said that I felt shell shocked.   It turns out that's not too far from accurate.   Being shell shocked is a consequence of being exposed to a hostile unpredictable environment.   It creates a constant feeling of fear and anxiety.    Worry basically.   Worry focused on and triggered by her.

Even after getting away from that environment I still had a background sense of fear and anxiety.   Worry, focused on her.   At the time I just assumed it was stress over the divorce and fear of losing my daughter.   Now that I understand these disorders and what I had gone through, I realize it was probably damage caused by her.

So, what helped me?

(1) The fastest best cure was getting unsupervised time with our daughter.   The very best thing for me was bonding with her, creating fun and excitement for her, and in return seeing her approving eyes.   You seem confident you could care for your child.  In any moment I was doing that, all the clouds lifted.   In some moments I feel she may have already saved me from a dark place as much as I might possibly save her from a possible dark place going forward.

(2) The 2nd fastest and 2nd best cure was over time prevailing in court.   There is no guarantee, but if you don't try there is no chance.   If you don't fight, you can't win.  If I had failed this might fall short of helping as much as it did, but I would hope it would still have at least tied tied for 2nd with some kind of "I did my best and I won't stop trying" feeling.  

(3) The 3rd fastest and 3nd best cure was time itself.

There is a person posting in another section of these boards recently who only has time (3) to help him but he is seeking closure NOW.   He is entertaining revenge.   But revenge has personal risk with no personal upside, and possibly a personal downside depending on the effort expended and risk taken.   Revenge only has downside to the other party.   I'm describing this because it sounds like you can identify with it.   It sounds to me like you don't even want to go into the other person's city, let alone if it was only to create conflict with no possible upside for you.  

Nothing compares to (1) and (2) on my list.    Being a part of your child's life will be rewarding.   Fighting for and winning that will be fulfilling.   Even if you don't completely win, hopefully you will still gain some role in your child's life and you can feel you did your best.   Also it gives you a toe hold from which to work for more of a role.  

As much bonding with the child and standing up for myself as possible, followed by time was my formula for recovery.

[ForeverDad]

Thanks, iron pigeon, that was great.

(1) The fastest best cure was getting unsupervised time with our daughter.

(2) The 2nd fastest and 2nd best cure was over time prevailing in court.

(3) The 3rd fastest and 3nd best cure was time itself.

As much bonding with the child and standing up for myself as possible, followed by time was my formula for recovery.

Right now stoic hasn't been able to see his child much at all, and apparently always 'supervised' by the mother's terms.  But the above formula will work, not with his child's mother, he can't reason with her, but with court.  So court needs to see that despite whatever claims the mother makes, stoic is relatively normal, relatively stable, a relatively solid parent.  Yes, no matter what stoic does now to prep himself, court may hear the ex's claims and look a little cross-eyed at him, perhaps even start him off with minimal parenting time or even supervised "just in case" until they get some professional evaluations.  That's okay, stoic has to start somewhere and probably it will go up from there.  The point is that it's the COURT doing it, even if only baby steps of improvement, that is worlds better than the chaotic MOTHER dictating terms and conditions.  And if stoic gets it done right then he'll never again face being effectively 'supervised' by the mother or be whipsawed by her terms ever again.

The challenge is for stoic to focus also on himself, in addition to his parenting, hold tight onto his hope (and realistic expectation) that things can and will get better.  Can he meanwhile be a relatively stable person and father, and let court and the professionals discern that?  Can he see the long term goals and be able to keep the speed bumps along the way in perspective, as just bumps that don't halt his progress and in the end can be see as just negative distractions?

[iron pigeon]

Right now stoic hasn't been able to see his child much at all, and apparently always 'supervised' by the mother's terms.  But the above formula will work, not with his child's mother, he can't reason with her, but with court.  So court needs to see that despite whatever claims the mother makes, stoic is relatively normal, relatively stable, a relatively solid parent.  Yes, no matter what stoic does now to prep himself, court may hear the ex's claims and look a little cross-eyed at him, perhaps even start him off with minimal parenting time or even supervised "just in case" until they get some professional evaluations.  That's okay, stoic has to start somewhere and probably it will go up from there.  The point is that it's the COURT doing it, even if only baby steps of improvement, that is worlds better than the chaotic MOTHER dictating terms and conditions.  And if stoic gets it done right then he'll never again face being effectively 'supervised' by the mother or be whipsawed by her terms ever again.

The challenge is for stoic to focus also on himself, in addition to his parenting, hold tight onto his hope (and realistic expectation) that things can and will get better.  Can he meanwhile be a relatively stable person and father, and let court and the professionals discern that?  Can he see the long term goals and be able to keep the speed bumps along the way in perspective, as just bumps that don't halt his progress and in the end can be see as just negative distractions?

First, Thanks.

Second, what you said for stoic's sake is perfect.

Now my venting... .

Not being able to see the child much at all and only supervised by the mother's "terms" is kind of a hot button "thing" with me.   My ex wanted geographical travel restrictions, reporting requirements and a relative of hers as the only approved supervisor.   If there was some kind of control imaginable she was probably thinking of a way to get it.

That's not an acceptable way to exist.   I couldn't really take visitation with my daughter with her relative as the only approved supervisor in combination with pending court dates where that same relative would be her witness.   My ex made seeing my own daughter the equivalent to signing up for trouble.  I didn't do that she did.

Fortunately my county may be the opposite of where this thread took place.   My ex's behavior was not well received.   If there is a point of curiosity, we're in an extremely rural but also extremely liberal county.

Realizing that the 3rd parties are in charge now is a thing.   Maybe the biggest thing stoic needs to realize is that his ex isn't in charge any more.   It's not about her, she's not really relevant anymore. He should spend zero time struggling with her in his mind and as much as possible time preparing to present to 3rd parties.  It took me valuable months to realize this.

Problem is, sometimes it's hard to recognize.

[sfbayjed]

You will not have to look at her across a table or any other way for the rest of your life. 

I communicate with my ex through the Our Family Wizard app only.  The majority of custody changes involve drop off and pick up at school. When there is no school we meet in a public place and the kids go from one car to the other.  I almost never see her.

I do see her at doctors appointments and teacher conferences and stuff like that but, I don't have too, though.

I think you have a child in the world that needs you and I think that the best thing you can do for her is to take care of yourself so you can be there when she needs you. And she will. DO the best you can. I know how hard it is. It does get easier with time. These are the cards you got dealt. You got to do the best you can with the cards you have. Don't give up on your child. No matter what happens, if she knows you wanted her and fought to be with her and didn't ditch her that is going to make all the difference in her life. 

Lawyers are in it for the money. Don't forget that. High conflict cases and a gold mine for lawyers.