I just started resesarching BPD, as my Girlfriend exhibits many symtoms

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all.  I am very happy to have found this resource and I hope that others may be helpful to me in supporting my girlfriend.

I am a very successful professional with a couple advanced degrees, while she is one of the most intelligent people I have ever know, but for reasons that are becoming apparent, she was not able to finish a year of college.  (we are both in our late 40's).

We have been together for almost 6 months and, while we both were fast to fall for each other, I have found that I have needed to walk on eggshells often for fear of setting her off, and even triggering her rage.  I realized early on that her rage could be triggered by words that most others would find innocuous, and that since her rage would last only a few minutes, I did not worry much about it.  I recognized the emotional roller coaster that she had us both on very early in the relationship and I want to stay with her because the good always outweighed the bad. 

I will write more after I read through other peoples' comments.

I am going to need your help.

[TylerDMass]

Hello all.  I am very happy to have found this resource and I hope that others may be helpful to me in supporting my girlfriend.

I am a very successful professional with a couple advanced degrees, while she is one of the most intelligent people I have ever know, but for reasons that are becoming apparent, she was not able to finish a year of college.  (we are both in our late 40's).

We have been together for almost 6 months and, while we both were fast to fall for each other, I have found that I have needed to walk on eggshells often for fear of setting her off, and even triggering her rage.  I realized early on that her rage could be triggered by words that most others would find innocuous, and that since her rage would last only a few minutes, I did not worry much about it.  I recognized the emotional roller coaster that she had us both on very early in the relationship and I want to stay with her because the good always outweighed the bad. 

I will write more after I read through other peoples' comments.

I am going to need your help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Welcome to the family.    There's a wealth of information in the sidebar and reading the Lessons will give you a good overview of what you're dealing with if she has BPD.

It is mindblowing how people with BPD can be triggered by things that another person wouldn't even notice.

Please tell us more about your issues with her so that we can be of help.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi TylerDMass,

This site is a great place for support and understanding.

The emotional rollercoaster can be really tough. The resources here can help you get off the ride. The motto on the board is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." I was making things worse in my own relationship for a very long time by reacting to the emotional rollercoaster and even exacerbating it at times.  What types of things seem to trigger your girlfriend?

Looking forward to reading your response.

[TylerDMass]

Hi TylerDMass,

This site is a great place for support and understanding.

The emotional rollercoaster can be really tough. The resources here can help you get off the ride. The motto on the board is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." I was making things worse in my own relationship for a very long time by reacting to the emotional rollercoaster and even exacerbating it at times.  What types of things seem to trigger your girlfriend?

Looking forward to reading your response.

so, one thing that triggered her into a rage was the fear of losing a job... .she told me that she was a bad person, a bad mother who cannot even support her children... .that she should be forced to walk barefoot for the rest of her life on broken glass, with her head shaven and naked... .she should kill herself... .this was the first rage that I had witnessed.

then, I mentioned that I could not be able to help with an expense that she wanted... .she raged that all I ever do is steal her pride by buying her things that she cannot afford for herself  (I do not buy much, really... .) As she raged, she stopped breathing momentarily, in a panic attack.

I knew something was not right.

SO I googled a few odd behaviors that she displays and up pops BPD... .I started reading and when I saw the 9 symptoms, I started crying... .she has 8 of them IN SPADES.  The more I read, the more distraught I became.

last rage was when I stupidly asked whether she might be willing to talk to me about her serotonin issue (I tried to mask the BPD language with "serotonin" ... .as I know that she is on prozac.)



stupidly, when we started dating, I used to say that, (since we had so much in common and since we responded to many, many things the exact same way--perhaps due to mirroring--) I would say that we were the same person.  Later, I told her that I never believed in soulmates, until I met her, and that we should join as one, to make ourselves complete.   OF COURSE I had no idea of her fears of engulfment. 


Now, last week, she told me that nobody has ever been as close to her as I am, that she loves me more than anyone, ever... .and while I thought this was just fantastic, she said, this is NOT fantastic, this makes her claustrophobic, she needs distance and that she  told me in these exact words... .that she is "afraid that we would become enmeshed "and that she "would lose her self and that her self would cease to be".

that night she had a dream that we were hugging and that glue was poured over us and joined us as it hardened and the glue cracked and she woke up afraid.

so... .that is a lot of my story up till now.

I am still looking for information for support around Portsmouth NH, and

i wonder if anyone on here has experince with TARA and Valerie Porr's group? 

[TylerDMass]

Welcome to the family.    There's a wealth of information in the sidebar and reading the Lessons will give you a good overview of what you're dealing with if she has BPD.

It is mindblowing how people with BPD can be triggered by things that another person wouldn't even notice.

Please tell us more about your issues with her so that we can be of help.

a recent issue is that she just told me how close we had become and therefore she needs distance, because she is feeling claustrophobic.  She did not say that I was clingy or overbearing, just that I was getting to know her too well.  That she shares more with me than with anyone. 

She also fears that I can control her thoughts, because when I explain things logically to her, she sometimes does what I am hoping that she will do (based on the logic) and she sees that as controlling her.

[babyducks]

a recent issue is that she just told me how close we had become and therefore she needs distance, because she is feeling claustrophobic.  She did not say that I was clingy or overbearing, just that I was getting to know her too well.  That she shares more with me than with anyone. 

She also fears that I can control her thoughts, because when I explain things logically to her, she sometimes does what I am hoping that she will do (based on the logic) and she sees that as controlling her.

We all tend to try and explain things based on logic and are usually surprised by the result.    My partner processes life and emotions much differently than I do.   Some studies suggest that there is a difference in the limbic system of the brain.   Very likely I will never know much about that but I do know that she view and manages information differently than I do.   This is where validation has been a real asset for me.   

My partner is Bipolar 1 and BPD.  Developing a communication style that was heavy on validation has kept a lot of the conflict out of our relationship.   Validation is simple but it is certainly not easy.   I started with SET,  Support, Empathy and Truth statements because they were easier for me to come up with.   Eventually SET became pretty natural and I got better at Validation.   

explaining things logically can feel invalidating to a pwBPD.   Not that you mean it to be.   

She also fears that I can control her thoughts, because when I explain things logically to her, she sometimes does what I am hoping that she will do (based on the logic) and she sees that as controlling her.

that would be scary for her.   how did you respond ?

'ducks

[EaglesJuju]

so, one thing that triggered her into a rage was the fear of losing a job... .she told me that she was a bad person, a bad mother who cannot even support her children... .that she should be forced to walk barefoot for the rest of her life on broken glass, with her head shaven and naked... .she should kill herself... .this was the first rage that I had witnessed.

I can imagine that must have been really tough for you to witness. 

People with BPD (pwBPD) are driven by their erratic and intense emotions, which are difficult for them to regulate or control. To regulate their emotions, pwBPD will engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms. Some pwBPD internalize their emotions through maladaptive coping mechanisms and shut down, dissociate, escape, avoid etc. While others externalize and project and rage.

Analogous to emotional dysregulation, pwBPD tend to have immense self-loathing, poor self-esteem, and low self-worth. For a person who bases their life off of feelings being facts, negative emotional states can trigger negative perceptions of self or others. A pwBPD can spilt themselves/others as "bad" when experiencing negative emotions and "good" when experiencing positive emotions. Many times a pwBPD will come from an upbringing where they were shamed or invalidated. A pwBPD will believe that they are bad and unworthy of love or good things. They are evil and everyone would be better off if they killed themselves. 

last rage was when I stupidly asked whether she might be willing to talk to me about her serotonin issue (I tried to mask the BPD language with "serotonin" ... .as I know that she is on prozac.)

It is a hit or miss with bringing up BPD symptoms. I have had success talking about "anxiety" and "depression."  From my experience, I tend to not bring it up. When I have done that in the past, I was told I sounded like a "therapist." Now I listen, be supportive and validate. Learning how to validate effectively is one of the best tools for communicating with a pwBPD.

Now, last week, she told me that nobody has ever been as close to her as I am, that she loves me more than anyone, ever... .and while I thought this was just fantastic, she said, this is NOT fantastic, this makes her claustrophobic, she needs distance and that she  told me in these exact words... .that she is "afraid that we would become enmeshed "and that she "would lose her self and that her self would cease to be".

The push-pull can be really tough to cope with. What did you do after she said that?

[TylerDMass]

Now, last week, she told me that nobody has ever been as close to her as I am, that she loves me more than anyone, ever... .and while I thought this was just fantastic, she said, this is NOT fantastic, this makes her claustrophobic, she needs distance and that she  told me in these exact words... .that she is "afraid that we would become enmeshed "and that she "would lose her self and that her self would cease to be".

The push-pull can be really tough to cope with. What did you do after she said that?

[/quote]
nothing so far... .she says she needs distance.

I am friends with her previous boyfriend, and he says just give her time.  I am giving her time and distance.

We do communicate via text and phone, but I am not pushing for anything immediate.

I am reading all I can about BPD so that I can learn to validate and to have productive conversations.

thanks for all of your comments.

does anyone on here have experince with Valierie Porr's programs?

I calle the TARA helpline looking for a support group and I receieved a call that was selling wekkend retreats... .I was told repeatedly that the person on the phone did not benefit financially from these retreats, which is a red flag to me.