Middle School

[Thunderstruck]

DH and uBPDbm have a temp CO. In it, there is nothing that states which parent has "residential address" for school purposes.

SD10 is finishing up her last year at the same Elementary School she has attended since Pre-K. uBPDbm and DH used to live there together, but DH left several years ago. uBPDbm stayed in the same school district. Until now.

A few months ago uBPDbm decided to move to a different district (she had planned to move so she stopped paying rent and was technically evicted).

Now NO ONE lives in SD10's school district. We're hoping it will go unnoticed and will just slide for the next three months.

DH and I sold our house and will be moving soon. We wanted to move into a really good school district that is close to where we live now. If we did this, we would have to fight about where SD will go to school in court.

OR we could move to SDs current school district and she can continue on to that middle school. It's not as good, but she would be with her friends. Then we can file for residential address (and probably easily be granted it).

OR we could move close to where uBPDbm lives and have SD go to that middle school (which isn't as good and she has zero friends) and file for residential address (and probably be granted it since we would own and uBPDbm would be renting).

What do you guys think?

Edited to add: We have a pending CE where we are seeking full decision making.

[ForeverDad]

Dump the last option.  Doesn't help SD either school-wise or friends-wise.  Besides, you don't want to live too close to the Ex.  Yes, Ex could move closer to you but that's out of your control.

However, now is a good time to get this figured out and addressed.  Anything involving court can take many months.

I've heard that it's easier changing school before high school.  However, parents move all the time, the kids move too regardless of age.  How would SD10 feel about a new school?  Has she seen it?  Is parenting time 50/50?

[DreamGirl]

Blech.

Do you have any semblance of an idea what mom wants? For her to go to the school district she's in now?

[david]

I would forget that last option.

If the two other school districts are fairly close in quality then it's coin toss. I would probably side with the school district she is currently in since that would be the easiest thing for the judge to agree with. I believe the courts would view that as the least disruptive.

However people do move and going to a better school district is in a child's best interest. Both parents moved and one is in a much better district. The fact that you are purchasing a house also shows more stability for the child. Showing the courts that you made a decision between moving to Sd10 school district or a better one should be a positive. UBPDm made her decision and can't argue it was for SD10 best interest.

I have SS's. They are xBPDw kids from her first marriage. When we moved the boys were not all that happy. They were in elementary and middle school at the time. The school district we moved to was ranked very high in the area. Eventually they made new friends. They still have some contact with some of their old friends.  Most of their close friends are from high school and college today. One of my SS's got married in May of last year. None of his friends from his old neighborhood were invited.

[bravhart1]

I'm sorry, I know you are trying to decide about schools, but the CE is STILL pending? This is unconscionable. When was the last time you spoke with her?

[Nope]

So, although there is nothing on paper, BPDm has been the residential parent for school purposes by default before now? I'd worry you'd be signing her up for one school while her mom would be signing her up for another and whichever parent had her for the first day of school at the school that starts earlier would "win". It seems like there is no way to enforce anything and the BPDm isn't going to sit back and let you take away her control and is likely to obstruct anything you try to do.

Unfortunately, until there is something on paper it usually turns out that the person who screams the loudest and who is the most unafraid to hurt the child that gets their way. So I would absolutely not base a move on any situation that may not stick. You are better off playing the long game and getting a home you want in a better school district. Just getting a house will show the court stability.

[Thunderstruck]

I've heard that it's easier changing school before high school.  However, parents move all the time, the kids move too regardless of age.  How would SD10 feel about a new school?  Has she seen it?  Is parenting time 50/50?

SD10 wants to go to the school with her friends. She gets very nervous and anxious about new situations, so I don't think she would want a different school. I would like to take her for a tour of all three schools so we can just check them all out.

Yes, we have 50/50. It's a 2-2-3 schedule during the school year (we get Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other weekend) and week on/week off in the summer.

Blech.

Do you have any semblance of an idea what mom wants? For her to go to the school district she's in now?

A few months ago we sent a letter to the CE (which got sent along to uBPDbm) stating our intentions of moving into the better school district and wanting SD to go there. uBPDbm sent a message to us on Our Family Wizard asking about it. At that time she was refusing to tell us where she moved to, but she did say she wants SD10 to attend school in her (uBPDbm's) new school district. I doubt that she would consider any other options.

For us it would be the path of least resistance to move to where uBPDbm lives now. 

I'm sorry, I know you are trying to decide about schools, but the CE is STILL pending? This is unconscionable. When was the last time you spoke with her?

I KNOW, RIGHT?

The last time DH sent a letter to the CE was October 15th. Our L supposedly spoke with her December 2nd and the CEs response was everything was turned in and she was working on completing the report.

I'm beyond frustrated, but DH keeps pointing out to me that even if we had the report we wouldn't have the money (until the sale of our house goes through) for another retainer for the L.

So, although there is nothing on paper, BPDm has been the residential parent for school purposes by default before now? I'd worry you'd be signing her up for one school while her mom would be signing her up for another and whichever parent had her for the first day of school at the school that starts earlier would "win". It seems like there is no way to enforce anything and the BPDm isn't going to sit back and let you take away her control and is likely to obstruct anything you try to do.

Unfortunately, until there is something on paper it usually turns out that the person who screams the loudest and who is the most unafraid to hurt the child that gets their way. So I would absolutely not base a move on any situation that may not stick. You are better off playing the long game and getting a home you want in a better school district. Just getting a house will show the court stability.

Yep, this exactly. Which is why we are probably going to have to go to the court to get it ruled on.

We will say: We own. uBPDbm rents. She has a roommate and if he were to move out she wouldn't be able to afford the rent on her own and would probably move again. Last time she moved was out of the school district in the middle of the school year. We don't want that happening again. We attend all the school functions. uBPBbm is not involved in school.

I think we have a good shot at getting residential, but who knows, it's always a gamble with the court.  

[david]

"We attend all the school functions. uBPBbm is not involved in school."

If you have any documentation to prove that, I believe, would be very helpful in court. I got more time with our boys after I was able to prove that they do over 90% of all their school work with me even though mom had majority time during the school year. Since I got more time S17 has been on honors roll and S12 is doing better. XBPDm keeps threatening to take me back to court to reduce my time. She has no good reason (change of circumstance in court speak) so I believe things are safe for the boys and I.

[Thunderstruck]

"We attend all the school functions. uBPBbm is not involved in school."

If you have any documentation to prove that, I believe, would be very helpful in court. I got more time with our boys after I was able to prove that they do over 90% of all their school work with me even though mom had majority time during the school year. Since I got more time S17 has been on honors roll and S12 is doing better. XBPDm keeps threatening to take me back to court to reduce my time. She has no good reason (change of circumstance in court speak) so I believe things are safe for the boys and I.

We have a report from CPS that says that line almost exactly. We have sent summaries from every parent-teacher conference we attend to uBPDbm. I'm not sure what else would be helpful. Maybe a copy of SDs planner that shows uBPDbm not signing it every night like she's supposed to? Maybe we could get someone from the school to testify? (that might be excessive).

[bravhart1]

  If I were in the middle of a CE (which I guess technically you are) then deciding on who's school district, and who gets tie breaker would be one of the things they would be deciding on.

I think it would be cost effective and prudent to have your attorney send CE a letter to please make sure to add this to the final evaluation. I can't imagine she would need to do anything else, she must know about the school situation, and what moms story is after doing the accessement. Might be the easiest battle you will ever win.

If you get ANY blow back from CE about adding it late, be sure attorney is armed with the statement "well the kids were in kindergarten when you started the CE, who knew then we would be deciding on middle schools before it came out".

[Thunderstruck]

If I were in the middle of a CE (which I guess technically you are) then deciding on who's school district, and who gets tie breaker would be one of the things they would be deciding on.

I think it would be cost effective and prudent to have your attorney send CE a letter to please make sure to add this to the final evaluation. I can't imagine she would need to do anything else, she must know about the school situation, and what moms story is after doing the accessement. Might be the easiest battle you will ever win.

If you get ANY blow back from CE about adding it late, be sure attorney is armed with the statement "well the kids were in kindergarten when you started the CE, who knew then we would be deciding on middle schools before it came out".

That last line is hilarious.

The last email that DH sent to the CE pointed out the fact that uBPDbm moved (was evicted) part way through the school year. uBPDbm gave the CE her new address and said her plan was to use an old neighbor's address so that SD could stay in school.    Yes, she legit said this to the CE.

We replied that we were selling our house and are prepared to move so that SD wouldn't have to switch part way through her last year in Elementary school. BUT that our intention is to eventually end up in the good school district and have SD attend school there. (Note that the CE lives in this school district and it would also be where her kids go to school as well. uBPDbm lives in another county so the CE probably isn't as familiar with their schools).

The reason why I'm thinking we might have to go to court and make this a separate issue is because once we get the CE report we are supposed to do certain things (file a parenting plan, go to mediation) before we can even go to trial. Middle school starts in ~7 months. It would cut it VERY close if we kept waiting.

However the L has mentioned that depending on the severity of the CE report, we could file an emergency motion to get custody changed. In the least we could file a motion to speed up the timeline to get it all done before school starts.

[DreamGirl]

So, we got into a little bit of a mess when the girls' mom kept moving (4 different residences in a year). We lived in the best school district (which in the end, I learned, was irrelevant) and had kept them in her district but then she moved very far away ---- my husband was able to successfully file an emergency hearing to keep them in the school they were in even though she wanted them to change mid year. She also wasn't the best at doing what she was supposed to do, so she went ahead and dis-enrolled them and enrolled them in the new school. So then my husband would have to bring the paperwork in... .and blech.

Judges/professionals don't like when kids have to switch schools.

They do like stability. Our having remained in the same residence for 5 years was a huge asset. When we did move, our home purchase was in their school district (so they could remain at the same school) and is probably why primary residential was granted to my husband (even though they are 50/50).

Sometimes it's about priorities. What's the biggest priority?

If I were using this as an asset in a custody dispute? I'd probably move to the district she was already in. I might even rent a house so that I didn't have to stay forever if I didn't like that district and until I knew the final results of the custody agreement.

[Thunderstruck]

Well, we once again asked uBPDbm what middle school she would want SD to go to. She picked a good middle school near her new apartment, but neither of us live in that school zone.   When we told her that we would like to move into the school district with really highly rated schools, her response was "No. I prefer schools in [her] county." We asked her three times why she prefers them, and got a non-answer ("I'll look at it later and then we can discuss".

Welp, we did our part to try to cooperate. Check in that box. 

I found out that you can file a form to keep a student in school for the remainder of the year even if you move out of the district. So I'm going to show it to DH and see about filing to make sure SD won't get kicked out of her current elementary school.

DH and I had another difficult night with SD and her homework last night. We discussed at length what we think the best thing would be for her. While on one hand we know that she would be comfortable going to the middle school in her present school district, and the court would probably favor that option the most... .we think that attending a new school with a clean slate could actually be a really good option for her. It could hit the reset button on her current negative thinking about learning and school. Our hope would be to have majority time by then, so we could set her up with a good routine.

[ForeverDad]

I found out that you can file a form to keep a student in school for the remainder of the year even if you move out of the district. So I'm going to show it to DH and see about filing to make sure SD won't get kicked out of her current elementary school.

Been there, done that.  Back in 2008 I had just come out with a settlement in the final decree that I would be Residential Parent.  Coming up to Trial Day, only his kindergarten teacher offered to testify, she wouldn't even allow his mother to enter the classroom.  But the school said they'd resolved their prior issues with her.  It was no big deal for me to apply to let him stay for the last 2.5 months.  Too bad the new order didn't stop her sense of entitlement and control, this was just weeks before his school year ended... .

Her timing is impeccable!  That is, for a uBP/whatever parent.

The school district has a board meeting tonight.  I've just been informed that my application filed last month for Open Enrollment, since I am now residential parent and live in a neighboring school district, will be denied.  He can't attend Kindergarten at his current school after today or maybe tomorrow. :'(

Did I do something wrong, forget to fill in a blank?  Oh, no... .  You can guess... .

She came in - again - this time she wrapped her arms around him and wouldn't let my day care bus pick him up until the principal came out.  She raged at the principal, the one who said a couple weeks ago she no longer had her earlier restrictions.  I'm guessing lots of classes had their windows open too since it is such as nice warm Spring day.  That was the last straw.  His being there was hanging by a thread already.  So now I have to drop everything and go register him at the school in my school district.

She has certainly lost whatever friends, if any, she might have had there.

DH and I had another difficult night with SD and her homework last night. We discussed at length what we think the best thing would be for her. While on one hand we know that she would be comfortable going to the middle school in her present school district, and the court would probably favor that option the most... .we think that attending a new school with a clean slate could actually be a really good option for her. It could hit the reset button on her current negative thinking about learning and school. Our hope would be to have majority time by then, so we could set her up with a good routine.

There are so many options or paths to take.  Often there is no single perfect answer, sometimes you have to choose from among the less bad ones. :'(  Don't be intimidated by the various choices impacted by the pending custody evaluation.  And don't sell yourselves short either!

[livednlearned]

Hi Thunderstruck,

I'm not sure if my situation can be translated to yours, but if I could do things over again, I would choose the school where my kid had the most support, whether it was friends or teachers or someone in the system who had my child's back. The smartest kid in the world can turn into a real mess if the social-emotional support isn't there. Is there any way you can interview the schools to find out what kind of system is in place? I would look for things like who the family specialist is, his/her training, how many students per guidance counselor. Stuff I ended up leaning on a lot in middle school, and something that never occurred to me when I was back parenting like a normal person