Oh My head My stomach My arm

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD/NPD boyfriend does something constantly. It isn't as awful as his abusive rages, but it is something I notice and need to get in perspective. Don't know if any of you deal with this. It goes like this:

Every serious moment or progress seems to interrupted with him having some out-of-the-blue pain. The minute we are talking about me or my kids or anyone not himself, bam! Within few seconds he exclaims theatrically, "Ouch!" With lots of dramatic pain.

Of course I ask what is up. He replies, "I had a sudden sharp headache, like a stab above my eye." Or a sudden sharp pain in his stomach. Or a pain in his arm from the one time he threw ball with my oldest son. The headache one is the most common. I promise if we are talking about anything except himself he will suddenly have some dramatic symptom. Not to get too TMI, but if we were expecting to go the bed the same thing.

In the past this had a way of completely derailing a conversation or intimacy. Lately I have taken to being very calm and super validating. I immediately stop the conversation and ask how I can tend to him. That seems to make him mollified and we can continue.

These sort of weird physical symptoms always manifest in times of when the world isn't revolving around him and his needs. It is annoying and exhausting.

Another weird one is if we are out walking. I love to walk. But my boyfriend has this way of walking slower... .and slower... .ending up stopping all the time. He will heave a huge melodramatic sigh, as if life with me is just too hard to carry on. It is embarrassing, to tell the truth. I've gotten so I won't want to walk with him. My efforts to validate him don't work here.

Anyhow, are these weird symptoms just my boyfriend's weird self or common with BPD?

[HurtinNW]

My BPD/NPD boyfriend does something constantly. It isn't as awful as his abusive rages, but it is something I notice and need to get in perspective. Don't know if any of you deal with this. It goes like this:

Every serious moment or progress seems to interrupted with him having some out-of-the-blue pain. The minute we are talking about me or my kids or anyone not himself, bam! Within few seconds he exclaims theatrically, "Ouch!" With lots of dramatic pain.

Of course I ask what is up. He replies, "I had a sudden sharp headache, like a stab above my eye." Or a sudden sharp pain in his stomach. Or a pain in his arm from the one time he threw ball with my oldest son. The headache one is the most common. I promise if we are talking about anything except himself he will suddenly have some dramatic symptom. Not to get too TMI, but if we were expecting to go the bed the same thing.

In the past this had a way of completely derailing a conversation or intimacy. Lately I have taken to being very calm and super validating. I immediately stop the conversation and ask how I can tend to him. That seems to make him mollified and we can continue.

These sort of weird physical symptoms always manifest in times of when the world isn't revolving around him and his needs. It is annoying and exhausting.

Another weird one is if we are out walking. I love to walk. But my boyfriend has this way of walking slower... .and slower... .ending up stopping all the time. He will heave a huge melodramatic sigh, as if life with me is just too hard to carry on. It is embarrassing, to tell the truth. I've gotten so I won't want to walk with him. My efforts to validate him don't work here.

Anyhow, are these weird symptoms just my boyfriend's weird self or common with BPD?

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[Cat Familiar]

My husband does the drama queen bit with both physical complaints as well as sudden expletives completely out of the blue: "F*ck!" usually always expressed loudly.

Previously, I would ask him about either the complaint. "Oh, I didn't like the dinner we had at the restaurant" or the reason for the expletive: usually either "Nothing" or sometimes "I'm beating myself up about something."

Now I don't ask. If he has a genuine physical issue, he will tell me in more detail. And those Tourettes like outbursts--it's not worth asking since he won't talk about it anyway.

[babyducks]

Hi HurtinNW,

I have a different take on the physical symptoms.

Every serious moment or progress seems to interrupted with him having some out-of-the-blue pain. The minute we are talking about me or my kids or anyone not himself, bam! Within few seconds he exclaims theatrically, "Ouch!" With lots of dramatic pain

my experience has been that pwBPD have very intense emotions about everything, not just abandonment issues.   or relationship issues.   my partner has extremely intense emotions about all of life.  I think it's the emotional equivalent of being a third degree burn victim, as the experts say.

my partner will often, and abruptly stop a conversation that is in danger of overloading her.   She has the skill of saying, "I need to stop talking about this for right now".   It's her way of regulating her emotions.   She recognizes something that is pushing her towards a dsyregulation and will halt a conversation.

for a long time it frustrated me because we ended up talking in 5 minute snatches of conversation and it felt like I had a difficult time getting my two cents in.   She would tell me what she thought, get emotional and need to end the conversation.    it been a real skill to master communication in the smaller bite size pieces that she can manage.   for us a conversation about an emotional or relationship topic that goes for more than 10 minutes is an invitation to a dsyregulation.   

I am wondering if he is attempting to manage his emotions by redirecting attention in a way that gets him soothed.  and No I wouldn't share that thought with him.

ducks

[Dragon72]

My BP wife is what I would call a hypochondriac and spends lots of time and money in the pharmacy.

Curiously though, she has shown zero sympathy for me on the few occasions when I have been really sick.  Recently I fell ill when we were at my in-laws' house (we're there almost every weekend) and, ion the advice of my mother in law, had to go and lie down while the others sat down for lunch.  After lunch my wife came to me and started berating me for wanting to have a snooze while all her family were expecting me.  I was hoping my loving wife might be concerned for my wellbeing, but that's not in the BPD DNA, it seems.

[TheRealJongoBong]

My first uBPDw was a constant hypochondriac and emotional distress would cause her to get some kind of physical symptoms, be it an asthma attack, migraine, muscle pains, etc. All this from a woman who was very athletic and indulged in mountain bike and cross country ski racing. One time she crashed on her bike and ripped a big hole in her leg. She calmly stopped, got out her med bag and sewed herself up right there.

My present uBPDw is the exact opposite. She has a very hard time showing vulnerability so has NO imaginary ailments and downplays any real one to the point of nonexistence.

I would guess that your BF's responses are a method to avoid dealing with feelings he is presented with.

[Daniell85]

My ex husband. I have no idea what the man is PD wise. He has something, and it's a big something.

He is always sick. He does have some legitimate issues, significant ones.  But he was always fussing about something. His head hurt, strange pressures and bizarre sensations. Always some sort of "gut rot". Tingles and stabs and chest pains, joint pains. All of it very debilitating stuff. He had ADHD, thyroid removal, and a variety of autoimmune complaints like asthma, psorisis, depression.

He took my pain meds after I had a major abdominal surgery. He said he had a toothache and since he didn't think I was in much pain, he literally took my whole bottle of narcotic pain meds. I took tylenol. Over the years he stole a lot of meds from me, like xanax and such. I would protest and he would say, just go get more. 

He was always ( probably still is) highly effected by any discomfort and ran back and forth to the doc all the time. He was aware of this and would mock himself as a hypochondriac. I would just sort of grimace at him.

[HurtinNW]

It helps to hear I am not alone!

Babyducks, as usual, that is a wise observation. It may be he is using it to manage his emotions, and in a way that gets him soothed, too. I have often felt there is this part of him that is deeply frightened whenever a conversation isn't about him. Maybe it is because that means it is out in the big, scary world of other people and their needs. He really does struggle with empathy. Not because he's a bad person, but because it emotionally overwhelms him.

I just realized something, too. His mother was very much a martyr, and his dad a total narcissist cheater... .one of the most narcissistic people I have ever met. One time at a party his dad actually stood on a chair and yelled, "hey, everyone! Look at me!"   His mom got attention by being sad and hurt and depressed... .and as I realize now, his mom was famous for her headaches. I never put that together before. I can empathize that with his family history, having a headache is a go-to response for wanting soothing.

Cat Familiar, he also does the random yelling of "f" word, or some other curse or word. When I ask about it, the cause is invariably irrelevant.

[babyducks]

It may be he is using it to manage his emotions, and in a way that gets him soothed, too. I have often felt there is this part of him that is deeply frightened whenever a conversation isn't about him.

It could be that for some pwBPD that when attention shifts away from them, mini abandonment fears creep in.

Or it could be from what,for me is harder to understand, we talk about the lack of a consistent sense of self here.   I find it difficult to see from time to time in my partner.    I do wonder if she gets her sense of permanency from having some one there with her and if some one isn't there giving her attention then feelings of self instability and rejection become overwhelming.   Probably a little of all of the above since feelings are never really binary.

make sense?

[HurtinNW]

It may be he is using it to manage his emotions, and in a way that gets him soothed, too. I have often felt there is this part of him that is deeply frightened whenever a conversation isn't about him.

It could be that for some pwBPD that when attention shifts away from them, mini abandonment fears creep in.

Or it could be from what,for me is harder to understand, we talk about the lack of a consistent sense of self here.   I find it difficult to see from time to time in my partner.    I do wonder if she gets her sense of permanency from having some one there with her and if some one isn't there giving her attention then feelings of self instability and rejection become overwhelming.   Probably a little of all of the above since feelings are never really binary.

make sense?

The executive function piece makes a lot of sense to me, since one of my kids has executive function disorder. The way it was explained to me is the person is like a computer without a hard drive. They need to plug into others. For my kid this is more of a neurological disorder. They have secure attachment but were born drug addicted. Their thoughts can be confusing and disordered without having an outside person to plug into as their hard drive.

I think for my BPD maybe the executive function piece is more emotional. He needs the reflection to assure himself he exists. When the attention turns from him he is in a void. He needs the constant validation (even negative validation). Otherwise he is forced to deal with those vast overwhelming feelings inside him, that lack of self you talk about.

The really hard thing is for my BPD that need to have the attention on him also exists with a discomfort with intimacy. So while the conversation must be about him and his wants, if he is in too much proximity he feels overwhelmed. Hence the push-pull. He needs me but I make him dang uncomfortable. This is one of the harder things. He wants attention but not connection.

[waverider]

Its perfectly normal, my wife cant walk 50 feet without stepping on something, nearly tripping, stubbing her toes, feeling dizzy etc etc... lots of Ouches and random OW!s.

Doesn't matter how slow I walk every time I look around she is further back, I swear she starts walking backwards when I'm not looking...

I think she is just self validating her victim role, little top ups if you like.

I have started to make light of it and asking her if those pesky air molecules are banging into her again...

[flourdust]

My wife has a loong history of this. Not just random aches and pains, headaches, dizziness, stomach problems, but long-lasting maladies that are never truly validated by medical professionals and never respond to treatment. She's claimed fibromyalgia, vertigo, shoulder pain, jaw pain, and probably others I have forgotten. I've taken her to any number of specialists, some of whom guessed at a diagnosis but none of whom ever found conclusive evidence in X-rays, MRIs, etc.

What's interesting is that they seem to disappear without notice (or any comment by her) only to be replaced by something else.

Some of these seem to be actual physical problems brought upon by stress -- digestive tract problems, migraines. Others I can't really verify if they have any truth to them. I'm sure she is feeling the pain she complains about; I just don't know that it's coming from anything other than her mind.

And, yes, she's hyper-reactive to any kind of physical contact that might be perceived as causing pain. Over-the-top screaming or freezing in place with exaggerated facial expressions usually follow.

[Cat Familiar]

Over-the-top screaming or freezing in place with exaggerated facial expressions usually follow.

I have to suppress a laugh when my husband has a minor mishap, like getting a splinter, because the vocalization that accompanies it is so over-the-top dramatic, and so very loud.

[waverider]

With my wife she bursts into tears even in public, it is so extreme it would put a two year old toddler to shame. Totally screws her face up and closes her eyes. It reminds me of a Japanese anime cartoon character

[unicorn2014]

Hi HurtinNW,

I have a different take on the physical symptoms.

Every serious moment or progress seems to interrupted with him having some out-of-the-blue pain. The minute we are talking about me or my kids or anyone not himself, bam! Within few seconds he exclaims theatrically, "Ouch!" With lots of dramatic pain

my experience has been that pwBPD have very intense emotions about everything, not just abandonment issues.   or relationship issues.   my partner has extremely intense emotions about all of life.  I think it's the emotional equivalent of being a third degree burn victim, as the experts say.

my partner will often, and abruptly stop a conversation that is in danger of overloading her.   She has the skill of saying, "I need to stop talking about this for right now".   It's her way of regulating her emotions.   She recognizes something that is pushing her towards a dsyregulation and will halt a conversation.

for a long time it frustrated me because we ended up talking in 5 minute snatches of conversation and it felt like I had a difficult time getting my two cents in.   She would tell me what she thought, get emotional and need to end the conversation.    it been a real skill to master communication in the smaller bite size pieces that she can manage.   for us a conversation about an emotional or relationship topic that goes for more than 10 minutes is an invitation to a dsyregulation.   

I hope the OP doesn't mind my commenting on your post.

That was very helpful.

My partner hung up on me at least three times today when I was trying to respond to something he told me. I didn't call him back and I also didn't respond to his text messages because I've had a long standing policy about not responding to emotionally laden text messages. I felt like I was able to stand my ground tonight in a way I haven't been able to in the past. I do feel sad and disappointed and alone that things went the way they did but at least tonight I have my self respect intact.