Looking For Advice For My SD7 With BPDm

[bravhart1]

My SD7's mom has/is BPD. While I'm pretty savy on dealing with mom by now, shes a handful for sure, I am looking for some insight from older children with BPDms.

My SD has been placed in NO CONTACT status with mom for the last month now. The reason behind putting in no contact is to give SD a chance to have a break from the stress and the tension, drama, you name it. She has been the pawn in moms eyes since dad left her. She was abusive and had previously lost custody for abuse of her four foster kids four years ago.

Of course mom is fighting this, and thinks this is all just a conspiracy on the part of Bravhart and dad and not three years of the courts warning, threatening, ordering therapy etc. Bottom line she is a big ol' victim.

My SD has actually been doing well with no contact, which kind of surprised us all as mom had been working double time with the enmeshment. SD was not allowed to even close bathroom door to toilet at moms. Mom had to "see" everything for her own protection.

Three days ago, BPDm got a message to one of SD's classmates (she's moms neighbor) to give to SD. BPDm has no respect for orders unless they suit her.

This message was very troubling to my SD and she began to act out at school in ways we had not seen in a year. She was very closed down, would not discuss it with us, or her therapist. (SD has been with therapist for three and a half years).

Last night she opened up to me that she was very sad that she was never going to see her mom again. I reminded her this was just a temporary hold on visits.

SD went on to explain that mom's message through the neighbor was that "mom could see SD was doing fine with dad and bravhart, and that she was never going to see SD again because she was going to kill herself soon".

I'm just floored. My heart is breaking for this little girl. This isn't the first time mom has threatened to kill herself when things weren't going her way during a CE. She actually blamed SD for not doing a good enough job of convincing the CE to give mom full custody (she was five at the time).

I am at a loss for how to speak to SD about this. I tried to assure her of course that this was just how mom "feels" and she was not going to actually do this, like last time.

But given how much this child has endured, I'm wondering if there isn't something more I can say or do to make her feel better.

So to the older kids/adults out there with BPDms, what could someone have said, explained or done to relieve some of your stress, worry, around your mom?

How can I best support SD while she is going through this very trying time? NO child should have to be subjected to this kind of emotional abuse/ blackmail. This little girl has had this piled on for more than half her life. I can't stand it any longer, its just abuse. But because shes got a ill mother she is forced to be put in this situation. How best can I help?

[Panda39]

Hi Bravhart,

Obviously, I'm not the child of a pwBPD but this is what my SO did when his uBPDxw made these kinds of threats.

So disgusting to tell one child that message to tell another child... .sick   

You could have the police do a well fare check on BPDmom.  Call the professionals.  I think it would put SD's mind at ease that mom being checked on and is okay and if she's not okay she could get taken to the hospital to receive help.  It would also show SD that you are concerned (not necessarily for mom but for SD).

I bet if the cops show up at BPDmom's (while she's fighting for custody) she would be unlikely to make that threat again.  While your at it get a copy of the police report. 

Take Care,

Panda39

[bravhart1]

Problem is though that BPDm would just deny that any such thing was said (just like she did last time to the CE) and she would spin this to look like Bravhart was trying to stir up trouble with her.

I DO NOT think BPDm would hurt a hair on her own very entitled head.

[GaGrl]

Isn't there a new court order in place, and isn't this a violation? Is the GAL still involved? If so, it might be worth having the GAL hear from SD what happened, and let the GAL handle it.

Also, you might want to make the friend's parents aware of the current restrictions.

[Deb]

Isn't there a new court order in place, and isn't this a violation? Is the GAL still involved? If so, it might be worth having the GAL hear from SD what happened, and let the GAL handle it.

Also, you might want to make the friend's parents aware of the current restrictions.

I whole heartedly support the above. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to the parents of the other child, speak with SD's teacher and/or the principal and ask them to do this. They (the other parents involved) don't need to know WHY there is a court order, only that there is one and they unwittingly assisted bio-mom in breaking it. Bet they wouldn't help again as most people would not want to be involved in breaking the court order. Also, contact your attorney as he needs to be aware bio-mom is already working on SD. Soo sad!

As for SD, just keep loving her, try to reassure her that what her bio-mom does is NOT her fault. I believe some people have mentioned books geared twoard children about mental illness. Maybe that can be helpful.

[bravhart1]

not trying to shoot holes in your advice, I appreciate it. But BPDm (with all her mental illness) has not left herself open to reproach. She specifically choose a very weak minded person's child to send this through, one who would defend and adamantly deny any such thing happended. Too much info to get into here, but this neighbor is 100% in moms camp and willing to lie for her.

Therapist did speak to SD after this was told to her and she knows whatever was said was bad, I sent her an email when I found out the rest. She sees SD weekly.

We have no GAL.

Teachers are aware and even have told SD and "friend" to find other people to play with for a while. I feel like pushing this any further with school or attorney only gives BPDm the attention and interaction she was hoping for when she started this, she will not be ignored. We got a break and shes not gonna let that happen, I don't want to reinforce that it worked.

We meet with the CE from last year in two weeks and he will be brought up to speed on this new development and hopfully he will act accordingly.

I was hoping to get some insight into what SD's needs might be right now. Would it be more comforting to keep talking about it, reassuring her its not true? Or is letting it fade best?

Should I let her zone to the tv, or make her process this through art, etc? I don't know how to help her. :'(

[GaGrl]

Then I would say to follow the T's lead... .this won't be the final violation. You know that.

[Sunfl0wer]

I was hoping to get some insight into what SD's needs might be right now. Would it be more comforting to keep talking about it, reassuring her its not true? Or is letting it fade best?

Idk... .maybe you need a professional psych to guide you? 

If I had to guess at what may be helpful, I'd say... .

Validation, validation and more.  Look for opportunities to validate her feelings in situations related to mom and not related.

My guess is keeping things routine will help her identify with a stable base from you guys.  Right now she may feel uncertain about life and things, stability is great to counteract normal feelings that arise that make her feel things in her life are uncertain.  (Uncertain of mom's health/future and her role in that)

Please anyone correct me if this is not good advice... .again... .I'm guessing here and this is an important topic... .

In response to mom's message of wanting to kill herself... .

"Mom is very ill right now.  It is sort of like having the flu, the body is full of aches and pains and fever, except for mom, the illness is in her thoughts and thinking." 

I am sure other here have better words, advice/experience, and books ect.

However, I just wanted to point out a possibility of validating her hearing such strong words without seeming either dismissive or adding to her anxiety. 

I think it is always best to just listen to her, her behavior, and let that be your guide on whether or not to keep bringing it up or not.  If her behavior or words are "bringing it up" then see if you can help her give words/voice to the experience she is already experiencing without adding any of your own opinions.

After she got the message, what has occurred since?  Who has spoke to her? How did she respond?

It sounds like mom is in the habit of projecting hysteria on SD7 for some 'mutual' self soothing.  SD7 may go into internal autopilot anxiety as a response... .and likely needs help having her fears heard, and validated.  Her going through this experience without moms presence or involvement could be a huge opportunity for her to change rewiring of her usual enmeshed with mom processing of a scary experience.

[ennie]

I too am not a child of a BPD mom... .you know my story, Bravehart.  Here is my take:

First, does SD7 have a therapist?  I should know this from your threads, but do not remember.  This was REALLY useful to the kids when this kind of stuff happened in our home.  There was a period when we had a court order that mom was not allowed on school grounds during DH's custody time that even after we spoke to the principle, teachers, etc., BPD mom would show up "just to drop something off."... or volunteer to be class mom, so she "had" to be present.  We did our best, short of calling the cops, to get the school engaged in helping us, as it was VERY hard on the kids in ways others did not understand until YEARS later (at which point BPD mom was thrown out of graduation for threatening another parent). 

At that time, making sure that the kids saw a counselor when that happened was key.  So they were not telling us their pains and fears, which feels disloyal. The kids had a great sand-trey therapist that really helped.  Also, it helped to have the kids write down their dreams (or me to write them when the kids were too little), so that they could work through hard feelings without having to own them.  One child had a dream that mommy turned into a lizard-like monster and ate everyone in the family including the kids.  In another dream, a plane crashed at the school and SD was wandering around the wreckage, and found her mom in the cockpit of the plane, as if she had been the pilot.  Mom was in a box, just parts of her.  In the dream, SD said that she came to me for help and I picked up the box.  She said, "Mommy is dead!" and I said, "No, I think that there is enough here that we could help her get better." 

These dreams also gave me a lot of insight into the kids' real view of things, when what they felt okay saying out loud was only parroting and validations of mom's inappropriate actions.

As far as what we say to the kids, here is what worked with my SDs at that age:

* Explaining emotional regulation/dysregulation as a spectrum we are all on--SD11 is better at regulating even when she is made than I am, I am more regulated than SD15, daddy is more regulated mostly, except when he is really mad.  Just like how skin is more or less dry in different humans, or how hair color is different, our capacity to regulate is different. But when we are not regulated, we need more external boundaries for things to turn out okay.  That does not mean anyone is bad.

* As far as the suicide threats--which BPD mom did ALL THE TIME when the kids were that age--I just held the kids and said stuff like:  "That must be so hard to hear your mom say that.  Sometimes people say that when they are sad.  You do not say that when you are sad, and neither do I, but your mom does.  That does not mean you did anything wrong.  It is okay for your mommy to be sad.  Life has sad things sometimes, and mommy does not always know how to talk about feeling sad, but it is okay for people to be sad, even mommies. It is easier for others if you can say, "I feel really sad," that is more true to your feelings."

* I remember when the kids were little they  were really afraid mommy was going to die. I just told them I did not think mommy was going to die right now.  I also helped them make up songs, write poems, and say little prayers to give mommy love, to put their concern into action, which always felt good to them. 

This is not a religious thing, but Tibetan Buudhism has the practice of a meta prayer, which is like this:  May BPD mom be happy.  May she be healthy.  May she be safe. May she be loved."  Just 4 or so lines expressing a wish that she be okay.  The kids LOVED doing this when at our home and they got stressful messages from mom. 

That is what I have to offer.  I think the take-home point being that it is important to validate kids' fears and feelings, but in a positive way, and with the adult wisdom that mommy is not really wanting to day, that it is not that dire, just that mom has strong feelings and does not know how to express them or trust that she will get love without being dramatic.  To not make mom bad, but also let them know that the world is not as scary for the rest of us, not as dire.  That it is okay to just wish someone a better day, rather than getting into the drama of it. 

[bravhart1]

Great advice Ennie and everyone! I really appreciate the input. I will update after T appt. this week. I'm off to help say a meta prayer!