Story of getting 50/50 custody

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today I signed papers (temp and final orders) to secure kids for 50/50 custody.

Initially she filed and demanded I pay mortgage/childcare/alimony/child support and sole custody of the children.

This sum was more than how much I get paid. Plus in her declaration she went all out and said I was an abuser and had anger issues.

So here is the story on how I got 50/50 (though my lawyer did not come close to thinking I would) with minimal child support.

Our breakup/fight happened over Christmas and into New Years (New Years is our anniversary).

Typical holiday triggers combined with the fact that our kids were the same age as her and her sister when 'her father left the family'

Which was also on Christmas. Honestly I don't know how much of this was true, but that is the story I was given.

So we agreed to a 1 month separation to cool down, get therapy and talk about it. I moved to my folks place.

During this month she was already working in the background, getting the divorce underway. She banned me from the house, using calling the cops as a threat.

Then bam 1 week before the month was over she served papers.

Here is what saved me.

1) I told my lawyer how I wanted to fight this, that I was going to be aggressive in my response. She said this might cause more animosity (really it couldn't get worse).

2) Since I wanted at least 50/50 custody she said I needed to get a 2 bedroom apartment ASAP (as temp orders often turn to permanent orders)

3) Then I told my story to my lawyer. The plan of attack to use a CE if needed.

4) I put out probes to see if she wanted to do 50/50, she did not.

5) Since my spouse had a substance abuse problem we decided to force a hand that she needed to submit to a substance dependency evaluation. Neither parent would be allowed to drink with the children. As well as an anger management course

6) If she did not, we would get the CE involved which is costly and would force via a court order to do it anyways. Plus might do psych exams and the treat of sole custody going to me

7) She was upset at the testing and she should able to drink if she wanted. She hated the idea of the CE, and changed her tune to 50/50.

8) She started to waiver a bit, but I mentioned all the 3rd party witness on her anger and other issues.

9) She committed to that point to a 50/50 split with minimal child support. My lawyer was surprised she caved so quickly.

From my pwBPD, she did not like to be judged or controlled by others. I knew this and I used it to help my way through.

I could have fought for sole custody, but it would have been very expensive. And with the current laws and CE's evaluation I couldn't guarantee what would happen.

I just wanted to share and to say in the end when they just get up and leave, you can still fight for what is right.

Fighting for what is the moral object helps us recover. My T told me that sometimes exposing a person for what they did can be a good thing, thought it may not feel like it (this is a struggle us people-pleasers have).

[tryingsome]

Today I signed papers (temp and final orders) to secure kids for 50/50 custody.

Initially she filed and demanded I pay mortgage/childcare/alimony/child support and sole custody of the children.

This sum was more than how much I get paid. Plus in her declaration she went all out and said I was an abuser and had anger issues.

So here is the story on how I got 50/50 (though my lawyer did not come close to thinking I would) with minimal child support.

Our breakup/fight happened over Christmas and into New Years (New Years is our anniversary).

Typical holiday triggers combined with the fact that our kids were the same age as her and her sister when 'her father left the family'

Which was also on Christmas. Honestly I don't know how much of this was true, but that is the story I was given.

So we agreed to a 1 month separation to cool down, get therapy and talk about it. I moved to my folks place.

During this month she was already working in the background, getting the divorce underway. She banned me from the house, using calling the cops as a threat.

Then bam 1 week before the month was over she served papers.

Here is what saved me.

1) I told my lawyer how I wanted to fight this, that I was going to be aggressive in my response. She said this might cause more animosity (really it couldn't get worse).

2) Since I wanted at least 50/50 custody she said I needed to get a 2 bedroom apartment ASAP (as temp orders often turn to permanent orders)

3) Then I told my story to my lawyer. The plan of attack to use a CE if needed.

4) I put out probes to see if she wanted to do 50/50, she did not.

5) Since my spouse had a substance abuse problem we decided to force a hand that she needed to submit to a substance dependency evaluation. Neither parent would be allowed to drink with the children. As well as an anger management course

6) If she did not, we would get the CE involved which is costly and would force via a court order to do it anyways. Plus might do psych exams and the treat of sole custody going to me

7) She was upset at the testing and she should able to drink if she wanted. She hated the idea of the CE, and changed her tune to 50/50.

8) She started to waiver a bit, but I mentioned all the 3rd party witness on her anger and other issues.

9) She committed to that point to a 50/50 split with minimal child support. My lawyer was surprised she caved so quickly.

From my pwBPD, she did not like to be judged or controlled by others. I knew this and I used it to help my way through.

I could have fought for sole custody, but it would have been very expensive. And with the current laws and CE's evaluation I couldn't guarantee what would happen.

I just wanted to share and to say in the end when they just get up and leave, you can still fight for what is right.

Fighting for what is the moral object helps us recover. My T told me that sometimes exposing a person for what they did can be a good thing, thought it may not feel like it (this is a struggle us people-pleasers have).

[Turkish]

Good for you in standing up for yourself and your children! Also, finding a lawyer willing to fight as well...

In the beginning, my Ex made a comment that the kids were going to go with her. I replied that I would sell my house and liquidate my 401(k) if she went for anything over joint custody. The latter was in retrospect a bluff, since I found out later that I could only pull out $20k total out of my account, not including taxes and the 10% penalty.

She was less dramatic than yours, but she was also driven by shame, and tried to hide what she did. She made a few comments that implied that she was scared of court. Originally, she didn't want to have us file custody through the courts, but I led her there that it would be best for all of us and I served her (through mail).

In my case, she agreed to knock $200/mo off CS if it went into the kids' college funds, and she gave me another $100/mo break less than guidelne support (college funds don't factor into guideline calculations). Here in California, the only "danger" that my L said was that by both of us agreeing to below guideline,.it means that she can file for full CS without change of circumstances. Is this a worry in your jurisdiction, or no?

p.s. hope to see you on the Co-Parenting board