I almost left her last night

[Jungle_jake]

I have been with my uBPDgf for about a year now, and have been on this site for almost as long.  I've learned a lot along the way reading all the posts and lessons.  I'm surprised this relationship has lasted this long to be honest.  I think using the tools on this site have helped to some extent and am grateful for that.  I love her to death, but I am drained.  So here's the situation from last night, and I apologize for the long post but I need to vent all the details.

I had plans to hang out with a buddy for a couple hours, which she knew well in advance, and we agreed that I would be by to pick her up around 830.  Giving her a time I can be expected really seems to help from triggering her abandonment fears and allows me to take time for myself that I need to keep my sanity.  After I left my buddy's, I texted and called her numerous times to let her know I was on my way.  There was no response.  Turns out she had fallen asleep.

She still lives with her parents, but they won't allow her to stay there when her mom works at night.  I guess there's been incidents in the past where they don't trust her alone in the house, even when the step parent is there.  She does not get along with the step parent so I'm willing to bet that has something to do with it.  I usually allow her to stay over at my house when her mom works even though she has other options.  I know, it almost sounds like I'm babysitting a child even though she is an adult.  Her mom left for work around 7pm, but she was okay with letting her stay until I was to pick her up.  Apparently, when she finally woke up, the step parent was being nasty to her for still being at the house.  This triggered the rage.  I went straight there when she called.  

Right away she starts blaming me for the whole situation.  It's my fault she fell asleep, it's my fault she got b___ed at by the step parent, it's all my fault she's upset.  She's flailing around like a lunatic screaming and throwing a tantrum like a two year old.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but she starts trying to hit me in the face while I'm driving and she's kicking and punching the dash of the vehicle I just bought two days ago!  

We finally arrived at my house.  She seems a little calmer by now.  But she starts complaining about how she hates everyone, no one loves her, and she's a horrible person.  I was still quite upset from the rage on the way there and I really felt speechless.  I was so angry I couldn't even respond to her.  I should've validated but I was feeling so broken and hurt I was completely shut down.  I broke down in tears, she knew why, and she asked if I was gonna leave her now.  I couldn't just sit there and and pretend everything's okay, so I said maybe it would be best if we separated.  At first, she was more angry and seemed to not care.  After all, "there's plenty of guys that will love me" (her).  Then reality set in for her and she broke down crying for hours.  I couldn't bear to see her like that.  I was giving up on her just like everyone else when she thought I was different.  I was in tears the whole time myself.  I care about her so deeply yet I'm so tired of the constant drama.  She started contemplating suicide.  I even offered to take her to the psych hospital.  I managed to talk her through it somehow and she became very apologetic.  I finally told her I'd consider giving her another chance.  But we need to talk about it and last night wasn't really an appropriate time to do so.

The reality is, I'm still really on the fence about that.  Because I know deep down she is not going to change.  And I know I can't expect her to.  I do offer advice on what she should do but I haven't given any ultimatums.  She was doing DBT, but quit after starting a new job because the schedules conflict some days and it's too stressful for her to focus on work, therapy, and school too.  I totally understand that situation, but what should be the main priority?  She needs therapy the most in my opinion, but also needs to work so she can eventually move out of her parents house and become more independent.

I want to talk about it later today, but I'm not sure how to go about it.  I can only hope she will be rational at some point today because lately I feel like she's been crazier then ever.  Any advice on how to go about this would be appreciated.  Thank you all.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jungle Jake, The main priority, in my view, is YOU.  What do you want to see happen?  Disregard what she wants/hopes/needs for the time being.  What is the right path for YOU?  That's your focus, as I see it, going into your chat w/her later today.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

You say you've been on this site reading the lessons for quite a while?

Have you worked on enforcing boundaries to protect yourself from her rages and other acting out?

I ask because in your shoes if I showed up to take her away, and she started raging at me, I wouldn't have let her into my car with me at that time. (Nasty step parent or not)

That would have been a good time to enforce a boundary around abusive behavior by removing yourself... .instead of taking her with you and subjecting yourself to a night of abuse and drama. Especially one that escalated all the way to domestic violence!

Since you have already experienced it, please read up about it and make sure you are safe and protect yourself from both injury and possible other consequences for yourself:

she starts trying to hit me in the face while I'm driving and she's kicking and punching the dash of the vehicle

Yes, that is clearly domestic violence. I'm not saying you should go to authorities, but she could be charged and arrested for that.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

[Circle]

Just saw this quote:

And the I learned

the spiritual journey had nothing

to do with being nice. It was about

being real, authentic. Having boundaries.

Honoring

my space first,

others second. And in this space

of self-care being nice just

happened, it flowed not motivated

by fear but by love.

[Cat Familiar]

Since you're on the fence, I'm going to try and push you off. Think about what you want your future to look like. Is this person who you want in your life? You've been here for a while and you've heard the horror stories. When people behave in such an extreme fashion, from the stories you've read here you know how little hope there is for a major change in their behavior.

Think about your life in two years... .in five... .in ten... .in twenty. Is this the woman of your dreams? Is she the person you want to have your children? Is she the one you want to share your life's journey? And grow old with?

If not, think about cutting her loose sooner than later. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to separate.

I stayed in a relationship I never wanted out of pity, fear, friendship and most of all, seeing his potential and wanting to save him.  After twenty years, I have the scars to show for it, both physical and emotional. When I finally was able to free myself, I never regretted my choice, only I wished that I had done so in month one of the relationship.

It sounds like you're young and now is the time when there's lots of opportunity to find an emotionally healthy woman who will add to, not subtract from, your life.