Rollar Coaster Of Blame

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm lost and confused. My husband of only two years is beginning to show his true colors and they are terrifying. This is my second marriage and we have one child together (he is one). My husband is prone to fits of rage where he screams at anyone who gets in his way for seemingly small issues. My children from my first marriage (11 and 8) live in fear of him. He was not this way when I met him. I've been doing research and I feel like it could be BPD but I'm not positive. I find him constantly lying (pathological) about BIG issues but he turns every disagreement around on me saying that I start them and that I'm a f'ing psycho. I honestly know that at times, I do things wrong but I don't feel that I deserve to be yelled at and degraded in front of my children for confronting him about his lies. He cannot take responsibility for anything, never apologies, and seems depressed / lethargic for most of he day.

I've read a ton of articles about BPD but want to make sure that I'm headed in the right direction with this one. Does anyone else deal with these sort of issues with their BPD partner?

[lwood]

I'm lost and confused. My husband of only two years is beginning to show his true colors and they are terrifying. This is my second marriage and we have one child together (he is one). My husband is prone to fits of rage where he screams at anyone who gets in his way for seemingly small issues. My children from my first marriage (11 and 8) live in fear of him. He was not this way when I met him. I've been doing research and I feel like it could be BPD but I'm not positive. I find him constantly lying (pathological) about BIG issues but he turns every disagreement around on me saying that I start them and that I'm a f'ing psycho. I honestly know that at times, I do things wrong but I don't feel that I deserve to be yelled at and degraded in front of my children for confronting him about his lies. He cannot take responsibility for anything, never apologies, and seems depressed / lethargic for most of he day.

I've read a ton of articles about BPD but want to make sure that I'm headed in the right direction with this one. Does anyone else deal with these sort of issues with their BPD partner?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

Hello and welcome.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Please take care of yourself. I can tell you I dealt with all of that but my pwBPD is an ex now so I may not be the most helpful. I think a counsellor is essential if you are planing to continue in the relationship. Not for him but for you. Meanwhile here is a website worth exploring. I found it difficult to read but very worthwhile. Explore all the pages and see if any of it speaks to you.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Basics/blame.html

I hope you will take the time to read and recharge. I knw you love him but don't forget to love yourself.

Hugs. 

[babyducks]

hi lwood,



People who suffer from the disorder called Borderline personality have harmfully intense emotions that come and go very rapidly.   They have limited ability to control their emotions and poor or maladaptive coping traits to handle the excess.   Borderline personality disorder usually shows up in their closest most intimate relationships as those are the most triggering.

I know for me and my partner, we used to have brutally intense arguments over things that were mind boggling for there illogic.  And yes, she used to accuse me of it being my fault.   

When I started coming here regularly and working on the skills and tools offered here, learning all I could, things started to get better for us.   We still occasionally have an argument but they are manageable now, more like a normal couples argument.

more information HERE

'ducks

[lwood]

Thank you both for your responses. I feel like I've run out of ways to try to fix my relationship. I spent several hours reading these boards last night and it's a huge relief to know that there are other people out there like me. I will look at those websites, am in the process of finding a therapist, and keep coming back here for help. Thank you again.

[November_Rain]

Your situation sounds so similar to my own. I was married less than 2 years, 2 kids from previous marriage and have a little one. I am currently in the middle of a divorce. From the second month of marriage things were bad. Anger outbursts eventually turned into physical abuse. Not just to me but also my older son. He verbally and emotionally abused my older kids as well. That was the worst 2 years of my life. I finally had to get out when he put his hands on me while holding our baby. We began marriage counseling in our second month of marriage but the truth is, he never took responsibility. Even when I filed a restraining order and he was ordered to take classes for his anger, he blamed me. Everything was always my fault. I always kept giving him chances. Until they can take ownership of their anger and their actions, things will not change.

[livednlearned]

Hi lwood,

Welcome and hello 

It's not uncommon here for people to wonder if their partner is BPD. Even if your ex is sub-clinical or something else, the communication skills and lessons are very helpful.

We also have a helpful section on the Coparenting board about Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has a BPD that can make a big difference to how you can help your kids make sense of what's happening.

Do you think it can help depersonalize the verbal attacks if you swap out the pronouns? Often, the degrading insults are projections, a very crude defense mechanism to help externalize negative feelings that people with BPD struggle to process. It's much easier to experience those emotions and thoughts when they are projected onto an intimate partner. "You are a terrible parent!" is often a projection of "I am a terrible parent."

If the verbal attacks escalate to the point where you are feeling intimidated, it can also be helpful to keep saying the same simple word over and over in a calm voice, like "Stop" or "No," holding up your hand if it helps.

There are other skills and lessons that can help manage the environment in the belief that this will minimize some of the conflict you experience. I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how you're doing. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and having some kind of peer support and/or a therapist is critical to your well-being.

We're here for you. 

LnL