Acting like everything is okay, but it's not

[Mustbeabetterway]

Leaving a raging spouse and going out into the world with a normal face when my heart is just sick is becoming more and more difficult.  

Many things are right in my life but my r/s with uBPDh is not one of them.  

How doothers of you face the world when your homelife is upside down?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[an0ught]

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

this is a truly important topic and I do hope others weight in. Honestly I don't have the answer but I really understand the dilemma from first hand experience. Your spouse is acting irrational, you are exhausted but with whom can you truly talk? It is really complex, there is our shame, shame on the pwBPD side, there are valid privacy concerns wrt. family but also extending towards employers. What can you share of yourself when behind the normal there is all but normal and while you own part it is to a large extent not only you.

I did wear a "normal mask" and I kept a lot inside which likely was not healthy. The site here also help me a lot to stay somewhat sane, it was one of the places where I could be more myself.

How do others navigate here?

[sweetheart]

What you raise in your post has real resonance for me, it takes me back to months of wearing my 'game face.'

Coming here really helped, just reading and reading knowing there were others who knew, who just got it, who also had their 'game faces.'

What helped was taking my sadness, distress, dysfunction to my T and I was also able to share some of what was going on with two close friends. I didn't want them to do anything, I just wanted them to listen and validate how awful things were.

I also never 'let myself go' some days I didn't want to brush my hair or teeth I felt so awful, but keeping this bit of me intact was important.

I eventually learnt to let go and disengage and that made my heart less heavy, but there are still days when the dysfunction that exists for my h is almost too much to bear.

[HurtinNW]

I can really relate. There have been times I am sick with despair and pain, and I have to keep it together for the sake of my kids and my work.

A few things have really helped me. One is self care. I go to the gym every day, and take a walk. You don't have to hide your feelings if you are on a long walk by yourself. Let yourself feel the pain. Work through it, take care of your body. I see a counselor when I can.

It also helps to have things I feel real pride in outside of the relationship. I can connect with those things (my art is one) and it helps repair the damage to my self esteem.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, Sweethear and an0ught.  It does help to know that others have similar struggles.  I have learned a quite a few techniques to keep from making things worse.

I do feel isolated.  When I am with my close friends (I have 2 close friends who know the deal).  Luckily they love me and my husband, also.  But, when I am with them I try to forget  my troubled relationship.  

No matter how many tools, techniques or strategies I incorporate, none has allowed me to be unscathed in the face of name calling, abusive actions and accusations from the person I love so much.

Lately,  I have been trying to give it to God through prayer.  

[Mustbeabetterway]

Yes, HurtinNW.  I agree exercise, hobbies do help.  Sorry you are in this boat, too.  Thanks for your reply.

It helps to hear what others, like you, do to combat the pain.

[HurtinNW]

 "No matter how many tools, techniques or strategies I incorporate, none has allowed me to be unscathed in the face of name calling, abusive actions and accusations from the person I love so much."

Yes, exactly. Today is one of those days I feel trapped. I feel I am going to be pain no matter which way I turn, no matter which way I go. I am working hard myself on feeling better about myself 

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I do okay when I'm out and about with myself. Last night, we went our for my birthday dinner with my two kids, and BPDh was raging about something he misinterpreted that I'd said much earlier in the day. He then drank entirely too much at dinner, and I insisted I drive. He yelled at me to "go!" when I was driving, and I wouldn't because it would have gotten us hit. That became how much I "scared him"(this seems delusional, as the car wasn't moving, and I actually AVOIDED an accident happening to us), and he insisted on driving us home(last time that happens).

Also, he dropped us at the mall, but was raging that I didn't "GO!" when he instructed me to, and so he wouldn't go in with us. I thought he's stranded us there, as he wouldn't answer his cell(he likes to scare me). This was day three of this crap, and my two kids(ages 17 and 20), got angry at me in the mall too, and I ended up crying. I've got way too much going on. My kids have anger, my BPDh has rage and is actually acting psychotic(or something... .he needs serious help right now, I feel), and even my own Mother says I need to be away from these three for a bit, and she doesn't know how I do it.

I can hold it together when I'm out and about, because sadly, those are MY good times. The kindness of a stranger can make my entire day.

[Ceruleanblue]

No matter how many tools, techniques or strategies I incorporate, none has allowed me to be unscathed in the face of name calling, abusive actions and accusations from the person I love so much.

Lately,  I have been trying to give it to God through prayer. 

This is exactly where I'm at today too! So glad to read this. I can only work on me, but I am really scared for BPDh, and scared for me(he's so rageful, I may have to leave).

My Mom told me last week to just give the worry over to God after praying about it, and I'm trying to do that, but boy it's hard not to dread the next episode of rage. It's been ongoing for three days, and I really feel he needs a psych eval.

If it wouldn't make him worse, I'd go stay at my folks for a few days, but that is likely to set off his fear of abandoment, and may even make him say he wants a divorce. He gets in these dark places, and it's like he can't fight his way out. He'll do drastic, implusive things, then change his mind, or regret it later.

I too am working hard on giving it to God, and just using the tools I've learned.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Good morning, I am happy to report that I was able to keep on my own path yesterday.  I went to church and ran some errands.  I was hungry - instead of rushing home to check on my husband, I actually took care of myself and stopped for lunch.  It was very enjoyable.  I ate leisurely at a place that I chose.  By the time I arrived home, I felt peaceful.

In the past, I have felt an urgent need to rush home and be there with my husband.  I have noticed since practicing self care, that I am able to get over these dust ups that inevitably happen with  my s/o.

Given my codependency issues, this is major for me. 

Yea for self care!

[formflier]

  and he insisted on driving us home(last time that happens).

CB,

Did you let him drive?

FF

[formflier]

This is a common issue that we have to deal with.  

I look on my time "out in the world" as a respite.  I try to "fill myself" up with good stuff, conversations and kind interactions with people.

If I am feeling especially blue, I'll take a walk or do something by myself until I am in the right frame of mind to head out into the world.

We all have to figure out how to handle our feelings.  "Pretending" or keeping a "game face" on for very long seemed fake to me and I try to avoid that.  I want to honor the way I really feel but balance that by the realization that it's not the person's (that I am about to say something to in the store) job to help me work through my feelings.

FF

[Notwendy]

Mustbeabetterway- I recall taking myself out to dinner! It was a big deal for me then. Usually, I would do something simple or fast. Now, taking myself out to dinner didn't involve something over the top, (I don't feel a need to do that) but a family- style chain restaurant and it was great.

This is significant for me as I am the family cook. My H doesn't mind going out to dinner with me- he likes it. However, my H does not cook.

Neither did my mother. I don't mind cooking- and I am a good cook.

So, even though I like being the cook, taking myself out for dinner was a huge treat for me. It felt a bit selfish, but it was exactly the kind of self care that is needed to help break the habit of co-dependency and it isn't selfish. It wasn't harmful to the family budget to eat at this modest chain, so well why not?

Some other treats that are affordable are things like a pedicure, buying a favorite book, seeing a movie. Some things don't cost anything- going to church, a hike, a walk in the park. When people indulge to escape- like being a shopaholic, or do damage to the budget - this isn't self care. But doing the things that are affordable and feed our soul in some way are good things to do.

[storagecold]

I'm glad you brought up this topic, because for me and many others this is the most difficult thing to deal with. 

I agree with many of the others that "self care" is the key. It's absolutely crazy that we have to alter everything we do in life because of one person.

I have gotten a lot better at disengaging from the insanity. My front door is typically my "gate" and I have trained myself to know that when I walk out, I am in the real world with normal people, not her crazy universe. When I go back at the end of the day, I am armed mentally -- at least most of the time. Come up with your own "gate."

The other issue I have is self-doubt. I have made a lot of mistakes in life (at least in uBPDw's eyes), and uBPDw has crafted every one into ammunition she uses against me whenever she feels like it. She holds grudges for the most absurd garbage you have ever heard in your life. But you already know how that works. Protect yourself with the people, places and things that all know you are a great person.

[Ceruleanblue]

Good for you for eating out alone. A few months ago, I went to a movie by myself, and I had a great time. Since then, I do a lot more of that, even if it makes BPDh suspicious. It makes ME happy, and I don't mind doing things solo.

I also find shopping solo to be fun. I don't have to even spend anything to have a good time. The other day, I went to the mall, and I only bought a two dollar nail polish, but it's the experience, and being around others that makes for a good time. I have found I much prefer being alone, than to be with someone that feels like a ticking time bomb. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I were doing an activity alone, rather than with BPDh.

Self care is great, and really, really necessary.

[Concerns]

I have to say and I normally wouldn't but it can be effective. Have you tried meditation and learned about Buddhism? This is going to come off as sounding kinda preachy but whatever. Feeling grounded and centered is sourced from inside. Working out ie physical exercise is great. However, I find that it is your mind that controls everything. Meditation seems like it doesn't work at first. But if you practice, you will find your mind becomes softer and more quiet. The waves of life aren't gigantic and crashing against you.

     Buddhism can help. Its different than Xianity. It's not a religion. Its a path to the psychology of the mind. Non's live in suffering. Buddhism's tenets are based on the suffering of mind. Buddhism illuminates a path to the centered-self that is already present inside you. My point is to try different things to let your mind go/to quiet your mind/strengthen your mind. It supports the things that are ok outside the chaos and helps you handle the chaos a little better when you're in it. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Formflier:

He let me drive initially when we left the Hibachi, but he raged at me for not pulling out when he said to, but it would have gotten us broadsided. He then said I'd scared him, which is just crazy! I scared him by not pulling directly into someone, but rather choosing not to move the vehicle?

He did however insist on driving home after the kids and I were done in the mall(where I'd been driving us after the Hibachi). He pouted/raged in the car, and I asked my kids(ages 17 and 20) to family vote about him driving or not when we got back to the car. My son didn't think he was that inebriated, so voted to let him drive, and my daughter said "you have a raging, drunk husband" so I took it she thought he shouldn't drive. They got angry at me while in the mall though(did I mention my kids have anger issues of their own?), and barged off alone, and I couldn't locate them. I eventually called my son, and they were back at the car.

When I got there BPDh refused to let me drive, and he was clearly still angry, and the kids didn't seem scared to let him drive(they have no trouble expressing themselves, unlike ME). I won't let this happen again. EVER.

The new boundary, which I've told him of, is we drive separate if he can't limit it to two drinks, and if he doesn't do that, I'll call a cab, or he doesn't know it, but I may even call 911 from a restroom of the restaurant, and he'll get pulled over. I'm not risking my kids lives, or my life because he's a control freak.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Concerns,

I appreciate your response.  I am glad you shared.  What I intended was to get feedback on positive ways to deal with less than positive experiences.  So you are not preachy!

I have tried meditation.  I have also done yoga.  I love the yoga - very peaceful and good for the mind and body.  Being centered emotionally is so important even if you are not in a r/s with a pwBPD.  But, it is essential if you are in a r/s with a pwBPD.

Although I am a Christian,  I was not availing myself to the benefits of prayer as concerns my marriage.  Actually, reading Boundaries - When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend really helped me to improve my boundary setting abilities. 

You know how when you are ready to receive knowledge, how a book or word of advice can change your thinking?  This book made a difference for me.

I have resolved to really learn from this site and I am ready to improve the communication in my marriage.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I'm glad you brought up this topic, because for me and many others this is the most difficult thing to deal with.  ... .

Protect yourself with the people, places and things that all know you are a great person.

Thank you, Storagecold.  I am glad to hear from those of us who are trying to improve our lives and relationships.

[Mustbeabetterway]

This is a common issue that we have to deal with.  

I look on my time "out in the world" as a respite.  I try to "fill myself" up with good stuff, conversations and kind interactions with people.

If I am feeling especially blue, I'll take a walk or do something by myself until I am in the right frame of mind to head out into the world.

We all have to figure out how to handle our feelings.  "Pretending" or keeping a "game face" on for very long seemed fake to me and I try to avoid that.  I want to honor the way I really feel but balance that by the realization that it's not the person's (that I am about to say something to in the store) job to help me work through my feelings.

FF

Hi FF,

Sorry you have been having such a tough time lately.  You have been working so hard to make things better for your family.

I agree, putting on a "game face" does seem fake.  I am trying to let the feelings pass more quickly than I have in the past.  Sort of emotional judo - bend in the wind, then pop back up once it has passed. 

It has taken a long time for me to get to a point where I was not just ruined for the day after being raged at.  (Excuse my grammar.). Instead of putting on a fake face , I am trying to let it go and not take it personally.  I am committed to my marriage, but could no longer deal with things as I had done in the past.

In my original post, I said that I was heart sick.  But, you know it passed much more quickly than it used to.  I was able to recover quickly and go on to enjoy my day.  Sweet Victory!

It is a blessing to be able to hear from you and others how they handle these events.  We are learning together.

[formflier]

 But, you know it passed much more quickly than it used to.  I was able to recover quickly and go on to enjoy my day.  Sweet Victory!

Being deliberate about self care is important.  I think in another thread a poster talked about taking herself out to dinner, just because.

And listen don't only do that kind of stuff after a rage.  After a rage I definitely focus on self care, but at other times I try to treat myself right as well.  



FF