I feel like a referee

[forannie]

Hi, I'm the mother of a 22 year old daughter who was diagnosed with BPD in October 2015. SHE is the mother of twin boys who are now 18 months old. They live with me and my husband as well as my older daughter (24) her boyfriend (23) and their 3 month old son. To say the least, our house is never quiet!  Life has been difficult every day. I'm constantly trying to get my older daughter to get "on board" in understanding that this is a medical diagnosis and that her sister is not just being a "b___". My husband who initially was argumentative with my daughter has now taken a more positive approach and is reading BPD for ":)ummies" to learn more about what my daughter is dealing with and trying to understand. With that said, I am also trying to find out as much as I can on how to deal with my daughter. I sometimes worry that instead of helping I'm "enabling". the majority of the responsibility for the twins is on me... .I'm more like their mom and she's more like their babysitter/sister. She disassociates when under any type of stress by going into a non epileptic seizure (formerly known as "pseudo seizures). One cannot take care of twins while having a "seizure" therefore, I always have to make sure there is someone around which makes others resentful because it's not their responsibility to take care of HER kids... .This is just the tip of the iceberg. Anyway, she IS in treatment and a good one which specializes in BPD so far I've seen some improvement I just am looking for answers on how to handle situations, I will go through these message boards and see what I find, I'm just so glad I found this website because there is no "family support" as part of her program so I never know if what I do is helping or hurting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello forannie and welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad to have you here looking for info and support.

The home situation sounds very stressful indeed!

I can see how it would be difficult to draw the distinction between enabling your daughter not to care for her children because their needs and safety must come before all else. 

You can get a great deal of insight into how to "stop making it worse" in the Lessons to the right of the page.

With all these family dynamics colliding under one roof, how do you take care of you? 



lbj

[forannie]

 That's the problem... .I don't take care of me! This is a first step so I can try to understand better and stop feeling guilty about leaving her to take care of things that she can really handle on her own but always "guilts" me into doing for her.  For example, I work full time. Shes at home with her boys and her father all day... .not a good dynamic because as I pointed out, her dad is the subject of many of her outbursts and twisted thinking. So besides the 18 month old boys acting like 18 month old boys all day and her not having any want or need right now to take the boys out for a walk or get them involved in play dates or a "play group" at our community church she gets frustrated and tired by the time  it is time for me to come home from work... .she will throw a fit if I need to stop at a store for groceries before I come home because it delays the time in which I will be there to "take over" with the boys. I've stopped giving in to that scenario but it's just an example. I need to know and will hopefully gain more insight through this website and other resources on how to handle these situations so I can start taking care of me again. My other concern is for her boys... .I feel bad for them, their mom doesn't have patience with them (although they are really a hand full) I feel as if they react negatively because of the stress in the house. It's just so complicated and overwhelming. I'm looking for help for them too as far as getting them into these play groups and play dates maybe swimming at the "YMCA" just stuff to get them out of the house and interact with other kids and adults.  The issue there is that she "cannot" go out with both of them. I have to admit it is tough, but not impossible... .I can do it so ... she can too. But how do I get her to actually go ahead and take control and do these things with her kids? It seems to be all in the way one approaches the subject at hand and how its presented to the person that will make the difference... .I'll be studying! Thanks for your interest in me, I feel so much better already just know ing I'm not alone!

[lbjnltx]

Good to see you back forannie!

How is your d doing in DBT?  Still showing signs of progress I hope... .or at least not losing ground.  Progress is slow and rarely linear so I'm interested to hear about any changes you may have noticed in the last 45 or so days since you were here.

Did the "BPD for Dummies" help your husband accept your d's mental illness? Any changes in how  he interacts with her or how he is dealing with her illness?

And last... .and certainly not least... .how are you progressing in taking care of yourself and your needs?  What changes have you made to take care of you?

lbj

[forannie]

****POSSIBLE TRIGGER****Hi thanks for asking... .everything was slowly improving and then... .my d22 tells me she's pregnant  (remember she has twins, 20 months old) different father this time. She has decided to not keep the pregnancy which is totally against everything we believe in BUT having another baby in our situation is just impossible... .really impossible. She's freaking out because she's feeling that she's going to hate herself (even more than she already does) and want to harm herself. We cannot tell her dad or her sister because no matter the choice she would make about the pregnancy they would not understand and give her hell and make things 100 times worse. I'm mad and disappointed but have been holding back on "freaking out" on her because I'm her only supporter in general, if I get that mad at her, she'll definitely not do well. So, she's been throwing up and feeling horrible and I've been helping even more than I already do and so my husband is now angry with me because I "baby" her. We told him that she's feeling bad physically for another medical reason, doesn't seem to make any difference, his personality is... .it's all about him, poor him. He tried to be more understanding and it comes and goes, depends on the day, sometimes he's helpful and then he gets enough and practically un does all of the progress he makes in dealing with our daughter.

So one question I have is how do you deal with family members who just refuse to believe that this is a mental illness and that she's not just being difficult, or lazy or whatever? They just undermine all of the progress she makes, when she makes it. It's so frustrating. The best thing for her to progress is to have a calm and accepting atmosphere and with them, it's not happening.  I'm pretty sure I still do too much and I am looking for the right combination of what to do and what not to do, and then something like this pregnancy happens and throws a "monkey wrench" into everything. I could just scream.

As far as taking car of myself... .Hahahaha . No, seriously, I just started really trying to do so and once again, the pregnancy. I did finally go to my doctor for a check up to make sure I'm physically OK,  I also reconnected with my psychologist. I also signed up for monthly massages with "Massage Envy"... .now I just have to go! Oh... .one last thing, we did finally get the twins into a "play group" at a local church which has forced them all to get out of the house at least once a week, this was a positive thing that happened!

[lbjnltx]

YIKES! AND HOLY MOLLY!

Added stressors call for added self care forannie!  Good for you in reconnecting with a therapist, good for you for setting up a monthly massage!  And yes... .follow through, you need these resources for self care now more than ever.

Since your d is an adult, respecting her privacy about who you tell is important.  Keeping a "secret" from your husband and others who live under the same roof with you can add to the stress and feelings of guilt.  How do you feel about telling your husband her illness is due to something else and keeping her pregnancy a secret?  This is hard stuff and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

The people in our lives that we love, spouses, other children, sometimes get lost in the time and attention we give to our struggling children and our relationships with them suffer.  Resentments build up and need to be addressed. 

I found that validating others, just as I do with my d19 goes a long way in healing those relationships.

While it is completely up to your d what she decides to do about her pregnancy, I think the possibility that she will suffer greatly from terminating her pregnancy are very high.  This is true for any woman or couple that go through this.  It is both a biological and emotional response to loss and sometimes guilt.  Have you and your d looked into getting support for her to manage her emotions surrounding this?  There are resources available to her.

I'm glad to hear that the gkids are in a play group!  Giving mom and everyone else a little break while they learn to interact with other children in different environments is a win win.

Big hugs to you in support and understanding.

lbj 

[forannie]

To answer the question about how do I feel about keeping this a secret from my husband... .the answer is if I tell him the truth it will cause a huge blow-up, argument , resentment, him blaming me because he feels I "baby" my daughter and he'll want to throw her out of the house... .since she's decided to terminate this is not something that will become obvious to him . He'll never know what happened and we will avoid a huge stress filled scene. My daughter knows she messed up. She's having an IUD implanted so this cannot happen again, she's going to have to deal with the feelings and consequences of her actions, but to have him degrade her and not be at all understanding, will destroy her even more. I feel like I have to protect her so I'm going along with this.

As far as she's concerned, she has a lot of professional support as well as myself and at least one friend that has gone through this situation. I know it's something that she will probably feel guilty about, but on the other hand, there's just no way she can go through with this. She already cannot take care of the twins she has and I support her and her kids. I also have my other daughter with her boyfriend and their 4 month old living with us all, and although I do not support them I also do not charge them rent right now since they're trying to get on their feet, I cannot afford another child in the house. This may sound harsh, believe me , it's breaking my heart, I would love another grandchild, but it's simply not going to work, i just can't do it, I'll wind up in the hospital myself!

[lbjnltx]

You are in a tough position forannie. 

I made the choice to protect my husband and my daughter from each other often as her behaviors became more problematic... .I called it "managing the home environment".  He didn't have the skills to deal with her properly and he would often attack and blame me for not imposing the consequences he thought were warranted.  We were all 3 at odds with each other during that time.

Unfortunately for me, I ended up being the one to receive all the blame when he later found out I was keeping things from him... .even if I justified my actions. Upon further self examination it was really myself I was trying to protect... .I was tired of the drama and just wanted peace. My husband told me "She's my daughter too and I don't appreciate you 2 keeping secrets from me."  Where was I supposed to go from that?  I decided to step out of the drama triangle and put the responsibility where it belonged... .on my daughter to talk to her dad and on her dad to deal with it appropriately.   

This often times forced my husband to address his lack of understanding of her disorder, take more responsibility for learning how to talk to her, and be my partner in helping her (rather than leaving it to me).  It also relieved me of taking responsibility for my daughter's relationship with her dad.  That was for them to work on together... .I don't have a black and white referee shirt and I only used a whistle to call up the horses for feeding. Once my husband took on some responsibility he became a source of support for me rather than another person I was emotional caretaker for. 

I really had to let go of my fears to let go of trying to control the situation and people.  It was hard for me... .and it was necessary for me to do this for my own well being and everyone else's.  I hope your daughter and your husband can come to a place of acceptance of one another and learn the skills to respond (even in the toughest of circumstances) to each other rather than react out of anger (fear, sadness, guilt).

lbj

[forannie]

Hi

Thanks for the advise, it makes sense. In this situation even if I put the responsibility on my daughter to talk to her dad, she will NEVER tell him that she's pregnant. She's going to lie about what's going on, so in this situation even if I put the responsibility on her, and she doesn't tell him, where does that leave me? I feel it's not my place to go ahead and tell him something that she only wants to share with me, so I feel that I still have to "hold back ". Now, as for the rest of our life in general, I think it's a good idea to kind of "force" them to deal with each other... .even though I see a lot of blow up's in my future. 

Things are scheduled for this coming Thursday, I don't know how it's going to go . She's really struggling with this decision. I'm heartbroken for her. If she changes her mind though, I really don't know how in the world it would work either. One other thing I have not yet mentioned is the house that I own is in foreclosure, I've been working with a lawyer and has submitted bankruptcy paperwork to try to save the house. So, there's a chance that sometime in the future we all will not have a home anymore. We would all have to find a place to live and money is very very tight. My husband is on disability (Social Security) and does not work, my daughter does not work... .the two of them take care of the twins while I work. You see there are a lot of "branches" on my tree... .lots going on.

[lbjnltx]

Wow, you are under so much stress forannie, please take care of YOU!

As I mentioned before, it is not your place to tell your husband about her pregnancy... .she is an adult.  All you could really do  is encourage her to tell her dad herself.  If she doesn't and he finds out later you won't be held accountable for a cover-up and can at least put the responsibility where it belongs... .on your daughter.  She can then tell her dad the reason why she kept it from him... .his inability to respond in an acceptable way.  The responsibility lies with the 2 of them.

Being the emotional care taker for all these other adults is way too much for you to have to do on top of everything else that is going on. 

lbj

[qcarolr]

Hi forannie,

Your situation differs some from mine - ie. having two daughters in your home and 3 gkids. I only have one DD and she has BPD dx when she was 23. She is turning 30 in May. My dh and I have been raising our gd10 since about 9 months old. DD30 has lived in our home off/on and gd10 has always lived with us. I totally understand the distress and strain you are enduring. You are on the right track -- it is still very, very difficult and painful. Keep up the self-care which is also going in the right direction.

Here is a bit of my story.

DD had a son when gd was about 2. She married the dad, we got them into an apartment. This was a good man who worked hard but made small wage. Two of his brothers immigrated (illegal also) and he supported all 5 people in this household. There was a lot of alcohol and cocaine when money allowed. We stepped out of this gchild's situation. Not babysitting, not rescuing unless true harm would come. At 5 months he was in foster/adopt care and was adopted when he was 2. He currently lives in another state with his adoptive family. I have facebook contact with his mom. DD chooses to not seek contact -- she is grieving and beginning to shift away from blaming me for not adopting him out of foster care.

When my gs was about 3 months, DD was pregnant again. She discovered this at the appointment to get her copper IUD (ten year, no hormones). She does not share her grief about this with me.

My dh sounds similar to yours. Undoes so much when he gets into his "this is how I was raised" mode. This impacts what I try to do with gd and DD. Like having 3 kids to care for! Gradually, as I have learned how to take things less personally and cope with my own depression issues, we are communicating better. He can be a rock for me when I am able to be straight up with him. I have to step out of my control mode and let the fur fly between him and DD. I try to protect gd though am not always successful.

 on the playgroup. This is so valuable for the twins to experience a less volatile environment. Gd loves school -- it is predictable and feels safe to her. I am so grateful for this.

I need to get off the computer now and hope to keep connected with you. Hang in there. You are not alone.

qcr Carol

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders