suicide attempt of long term partner 2 weeks ago

[Boogieboarder]

I have lived with my wife (lesbian relationship) for 25 years.  Her parents died 3 years ago and she left for a cycling trip as part of her retirement and grief recovery.  She had an affair with another cyclist, then came back home to repair and it has been a storm of mental health issues since. (for us both)  I totally dissociated with the affair, but have mostly pulled myself back together with lots of counselling, friend support, al anon, anything I can lean into really.

I have been trying to get away for a few days to a week every 4-6 weeks.  My partner woke up in somatic pain 2 weeks ago.  It was the morning I was returning from my trip. She took her car at 2:30 in the morning drove until 4:30 and then crashed it on the freeway into the protective bulwarks they have.  The car is totalled, front end collapsed.  She ended up with a burst spinal fracture.  Lucky her she can walk.  License has been pulled thank god and the psychiatrist has released her today to our home from the hospital.  They feel she is also a dependent personality and they don't want her to over depend on the hospital.

I'm exhausted.  I don't have another episode like this left in me.  While she functioned well for most of the life we spent together the last 5 years not so much.

I keep trying to keep focused on work, friends, counseling, firmer boundaries etc.  But it is clear to me we have been co-dependent.  I'm trying to get better with boundaries.  She is still very down and the doctor tells me likely will always be at risk given our age and her state now (60ish).  I want to hang in to try and help stabilize her and me, but I'm worried about my health now.  The stress of this last three years has chipped away at my strength. 

Now the goal is to get her to go to DBT.  She tried a local counsellor today who bills herself as a DBT therapist, but the real goal is a one year program.  She says she knows she will not travel to this location 25 km away.

She is at risk of suicide.  She is despondent.  The only thing I can do is offer my presence, rally some friends to help a bit in this first week home when I'm at work.  I'm so sad, and mad.  I know I do not have another big event in me.  I told her today with the doctor I'm feeling manipulated by the suicide attempt and the repeated visits to pyshce emergency when I go away.  I didn't quite go far enough this morning, it would have been better to be clear that I can no longer stay if there are anymore attempts.

So while I say, take it hour by hour, minute by minute, if needed, what was was, feels over. Now I feel I am too emotionally charged and raw.

thanks for listening... .

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[an0ught]

Welcome Boogieboarder,

dealing with an suicide attempt of a close person is incredibly painful and can be life changing  .

So while I say, take it hour by hour, minute by minute, if needed, what was was, feels over. Now I feel I am too emotionally charged and raw.

 

The only thing I can do is offer my presence, rally some friends to help a bit in this first week home when I'm at work.

Your presence can't heal her. You can't take responsibility to control her and keep her from trying again.

I'm trying to get better with boundaries.

Which ones do you feel are essential for you to feel safer?

Hope you find this board a warm place and safe place, home from home,

,

a0

[Euler2718]

She had an affair with another cyclist, then came back home to repair and it has been a storm of mental health issues since.

When I read this, I thought that i just wanna live in a world where an affair is not just (in their minds) something that can be so casual -- came back home to repair it? yuck.

anyway, good luck and well wishes -- I hope you can feel better. The DBT thing could work! 25 km seems like a long way to a severely depressed person, I guess -- I commute 70 km each way to work, but maybe it's a different culture there than here (driving-wise).