Heartbroken and confused. I want her back in my life.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been a longtime reader and this will be my first post. I am so happy to have found this website... .it seems to be the light in a dark place.

To start off, I was with my partner (lesbian relationship) for almost 3 years. We are young (she's 24, I'm 25) and recently moved 2,800 miles together to the west coast. I am non-BPD but do suffer from mild depression and moderate anxiety. I try to keep it at bay as best as possible. She has not been officially diagnosed with BPD but I along with several of my friends who are in the mental health field have very strong suspicions. I used to think she was probably bi-polar until I came across a website about BPD and heard strikingly similar stories about my friend's partner who also has BPD. My ex does acknowledge that she should go see a therapist, but has yet to do so. I cannot force her, although I have been suggesting she go for about two years.

Our relationship was tumultuous, as many relationships involving BPD are, but I love her very dearly and we were both trying to work on ourselves. On her best days, my ex is motivated, outgoing, thoughtful, and has a wonderful sense of humor. At her worst, she is verbally abusive, destructive, manipulative, abrupt, and mean-spirited. Sometimes, the mood can change in an instant. The fight which started the break-up process happened on a day that started out great. We showered together, snuggled on the couch, then while discussing what we should do for the day, she suggested hiking. I declined because every time we had gone hiking in the past, she had an anger fit because I could not hike as fast as her. I told her it made me anxious. The conversation tailspinned into how I supposedly never work on my anxiety and how she should never make me feel anxious. She left in her car, called her best friend (who has always been unsupportive of our relationship because she doesn't like the way exPWBPD treats me). exPWBPD ends up texting me and saying she hates how I never work on myself and that she cheated on me (then later told me she was lying and never cheated on me.) Long story short, this argument caused her to decide to move out of our shared apartment and break up with me. Now I am stuck 2,800 miles away from my close friends and family and I'm not sure what I should do.

Ideally, I want my ex back in my life. I want to understand BPD better so I can communicate better with her, whether or not she decides to go to counseling. I miss her dearly and it is hard being apart from her. Even though she has terrible anger spells, she is my soulmate. It feels like my worst nightmare is coming true. I want advice on how I can most effectively get her back in my life. I realize that this is entirely circumstantial and despite my best efforts, I may never get her back. I want to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

She was sending major mixed signals before basically dropping all communication. In the two weeks we were broken up but she was still living in our apartment, not much changed. We still said "I love you" to each other, gave goodbye kisses, slept cuddled up to each other, and even had sex twice. At first she said she wanted this to be a break so she could "find herself" but then decided she wanted it to be a break-up. She has threatened break-ups in the midst of her anger many times, but this is the first time she has gone through with it. She left me one of her t-shirts and a card saying she wants to work on things for me the day she moved out. She also took one of my t-shirts so she could have a reminder of me in her new place.

Once she moved out, she hasn't initiated any conversation. I had to ask her about watching our cat while I go out of town, so I broke NC to ask that. She was very cordial and replied fairly quickly. She also asked if I could send her mail with a mutual friend. She was very nice and appreciative. I recently found out there is a new girl she has become interested in from a dating site, and this hurts me the worst. I don't know anything about their relationship; I just know that she is interested in her and is on several dating apps. I feel like she is looking for a rebound to erase any residual feelings she has for me. Hence, her not contacting me. It's been 3 weeks now which I realize isn't long, but it has been so frustrating.

She is successful in her career (even though she has changed jobs 6 times in the past 3 years due to her "bosses being against her" and is living in the downtown area and is about to start a new job. She wears the mask very well. She has posted on facebook about how she is now "on her own, but even though it didn't work out with her partner (me) that we are best friends." This also felt hurtful, even though I realize it is just her mask and I am trying not to be bothered by it.

My question is, how should I approach any of this? I'm tempted to move back to my home state so I can heal in the presence of my close friends and family, but I'm not ready to give up on her yet. I don't know if I should or the likelihood of her trusting me enough to come back one day. If I move back, she is out here on her own pretty much. If I stay, I feel like I am sacrificing some of my own healing process and risking no positive results. I just don't know what I should do. The unknown is what scares me the most.

[whizzerd]

I've been a longtime reader and this will be my first post. I am so happy to have found this website... .it seems to be the light in a dark place.

To start off, I was with my partner (lesbian relationship) for almost 3 years. We are young (she's 24, I'm 25) and recently moved 2,800 miles together to the west coast. I am non-BPD but do suffer from mild depression and moderate anxiety. I try to keep it at bay as best as possible. She has not been officially diagnosed with BPD but I along with several of my friends who are in the mental health field have very strong suspicions. I used to think she was probably bi-polar until I came across a website about BPD and heard strikingly similar stories about my friend's partner who also has BPD. My ex does acknowledge that she should go see a therapist, but has yet to do so. I cannot force her, although I have been suggesting she go for about two years.

Our relationship was tumultuous, as many relationships involving BPD are, but I love her very dearly and we were both trying to work on ourselves. On her best days, my ex is motivated, outgoing, thoughtful, and has a wonderful sense of humor. At her worst, she is verbally abusive, destructive, manipulative, abrupt, and mean-spirited. Sometimes, the mood can change in an instant. The fight which started the break-up process happened on a day that started out great. We showered together, snuggled on the couch, then while discussing what we should do for the day, she suggested hiking. I declined because every time we had gone hiking in the past, she had an anger fit because I could not hike as fast as her. I told her it made me anxious. The conversation tailspinned into how I supposedly never work on my anxiety and how she should never make me feel anxious. She left in her car, called her best friend (who has always been unsupportive of our relationship because she doesn't like the way exPWBPD treats me). exPWBPD ends up texting me and saying she hates how I never work on myself and that she cheated on me (then later told me she was lying and never cheated on me.) Long story short, this argument caused her to decide to move out of our shared apartment and break up with me. Now I am stuck 2,800 miles away from my close friends and family and I'm not sure what I should do.

Ideally, I want my ex back in my life. I want to understand BPD better so I can communicate better with her, whether or not she decides to go to counseling. I miss her dearly and it is hard being apart from her. Even though she has terrible anger spells, she is my soulmate. It feels like my worst nightmare is coming true. I want advice on how I can most effectively get her back in my life. I realize that this is entirely circumstantial and despite my best efforts, I may never get her back. I want to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

She was sending major mixed signals before basically dropping all communication. In the two weeks we were broken up but she was still living in our apartment, not much changed. We still said "I love you" to each other, gave goodbye kisses, slept cuddled up to each other, and even had sex twice. At first she said she wanted this to be a break so she could "find herself" but then decided she wanted it to be a break-up. She has threatened break-ups in the midst of her anger many times, but this is the first time she has gone through with it. She left me one of her t-shirts and a card saying she wants to work on things for me the day she moved out. She also took one of my t-shirts so she could have a reminder of me in her new place.

Once she moved out, she hasn't initiated any conversation. I had to ask her about watching our cat while I go out of town, so I broke NC to ask that. She was very cordial and replied fairly quickly. She also asked if I could send her mail with a mutual friend. She was very nice and appreciative. I recently found out there is a new girl she has become interested in from a dating site, and this hurts me the worst. I don't know anything about their relationship; I just know that she is interested in her and is on several dating apps. I feel like she is looking for a rebound to erase any residual feelings she has for me. Hence, her not contacting me. It's been 3 weeks now which I realize isn't long, but it has been so frustrating.

She is successful in her career (even though she has changed jobs 6 times in the past 3 years due to her "bosses being against her" and is living in the downtown area and is about to start a new job. She wears the mask very well. She has posted on facebook about how she is now "on her own, but even though it didn't work out with her partner (me) that we are best friends." This also felt hurtful, even though I realize it is just her mask and I am trying not to be bothered by it.

My question is, how should I approach any of this? I'm tempted to move back to my home state so I can heal in the presence of my close friends and family, but I'm not ready to give up on her yet. I don't know if I should or the likelihood of her trusting me enough to come back one day. If I move back, she is out here on her own pretty much. If I stay, I feel like I am sacrificing some of my own healing process and risking no positive results. I just don't know what I should do. The unknown is what scares me the most.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello whizzerd,

Happy to have you here though sorry to learn that you are going through this painful time.

Being young, unlike my 53yroldself, 3 years is a long time to have invested in a relationship to have it end like it did. 

You say she hasn't contacted you at all to maintain this "friendship" with you.  Have you thought about reaching out to her and asking her to coffee or lunch so you can talk about where she is at in her feelings for you?  Preferably in a public place if you're experience in the past has been that she can become verbally abusive.

Healing can take place anywhere we are whizzerd, though being near family and friends, our support system can sure help.  Can you reach out to them from afar?

I can imagine how all of this could make your anxiety worse.    Have you considered seeking therapy to help you manage during this particularly hard time?

lbjnltx

[once removed]

hi whizzerd and

im glad youre finding this support group to be a light in a dark place, and im glad you reached out to us!

yes, the unknown is scary, and theres a lot of unknown in your situation, and youre in a relatively unknown place. it can feel very isolating, and its a struggle to find any sense of normalcy  . it helps to talk to people who have walked in your shoes. have you been able to at least share your circumstances and feelings with friends and family? do they have any input on your options?

its proactive of you to learn the communication tools while maintaining realistic expectations. there are no guarantees, but without investing in learning, the outcome is pretty certain, right?

NC is not a hard and fast rule, and may not even be the best rule; two or three weeks isnt too much time (im sure it feels like a lifetime) but long enough to where its appropriate to break the ice, which you did. you can always reach out, but id hold off. my breakup ended similarly, and my ex was rebounding as well, and in my experience its best not to put your heart on the line in that situation.

do the two of you follow each other on social media? i ask because my ex misinterpreted some activity of mine, and painted me black instantly. its also very tempting to react to anything you might see.

[whizzerd]

Thank you guys! I appreciate you both taking the time to read my lengthy post and respond. It means so much to me! I think I will hold off on asking her to coffee or lunch. Recently, she has had a friend staying with her and is on vacation with her other friends. I get the vibe that I should wait a bit before doing that. I'm not sure she would take it well right now and would probably think I'm just trying to get her back. I have been in contact with my family and friends but a phone call seems so distant compared to having someone face to face. Luckily, I will be flying back for a few days next week to spend some time with them. I also go to therapy once a week and it has been extremely helpful. My therapist helps me find lots of clarity, but sometimes I feel it is not enough clarity and start to get anxious.

The rebounding thing is the worst. My ex and I are still friends on social media. She actually still has her relationship status set to "in a relationship with me" even though its hidden from everyone on her friends list. She has yet to delete any of my family members too, so I guess that's a good sign?

I think the most telling time through all this will happen after the newness of the break up wears off. I can't read her mind, but I feel like focusing on this new girl and hanging out with her friends distracts her from the reality of the situation. It's a band-aid, so to speak. I predict (and I could be wrong) that she will go through a period in a few months where she starts to feel sad and miss me. I want to deal with that productively when and if it happens.

[once removed]

I have been in contact with my family and friends but a phone call seems so distant compared to having someone face to face. Luckily, I will be flying back for a few days next week to spend some time with them. I also go to therapy once a week and it has been extremely helpful. My therapist helps me find lots of clarity, but sometimes I feel it is not enough clarity and start to get anxious.

it does seem distant, but it still goes a long way to be in touch and to know someone cares. feelings of isolation only pile on to a very emotionally challenging situation. great as well that youre in therapy and finding it helpful. what kind of clarity have you gotten from those sessions?

The rebounding thing is the worst. My ex and I are still friends on social media. She actually still has her relationship status set to "in a relationship with me" even though its hidden from everyone on her friends list. She has yet to delete any of my family members too, so I guess that's a good sign?

it is a good sign.

I think the most telling time through all this will happen after the newness of the break up wears off. I can't read her mind, but I feel like focusing on this new girl and hanging out with her friends distracts her from the reality of the situation. It's a band-aid, so to speak. I predict (and I could be wrong) that she will go through a period in a few months where she starts to feel sad and miss me. I want to deal with that productively when and if it happens.

i think youre right about distracting herself. it is not a "BPD behavior", but it is common among pwBPD to soothe abandonment fears with others, friends, family, rebounds, etc. your prediction is as good as mine, and certainly a possibility. do you expect to be in contact during those months?

[whizzerd]

The therapy sessions help in that they help manage my own anxiety related to having dated someone with BPD. My therapist has been able to give me some insight as well about common BPD traits and helps me explore how I should handle them.

It's funny you mention if I expect to be in contact. I really don't know at this point. My ex reached out to me this morning via text basically saying she plans to travel this week and making sure I have someone who can watch our cat. It was rather professional and awkward. I think she may have felt threatened at first when I stated I had someone who could watch my cat and I didn't say who. She seemed defensive in subsequent texts, asking if it was someone who could be trusted with the cat. I let her know it was a coworker of mine (who she knows) and she basically thanked me for telling her who it was. She seemed relieved. I get the vibe that she might think I'm seeing someone because I don't know why she would have gotten defensive over it otherwise.

She also said she wants to schedule a time to talk about taking her name off the lease we share. She has a tendency to say extreme things to people who she's painted black, and also tends to say things to get a rise out of those people (because negative attention is better than no attention I guess). She has also been known to take back those statements/ideas at a later time. I'm not sure if this is one of those things, but I told her we could schedule a time to talk about it and tried to remain as calm and neutral as possible. I'm super curious to see how this "talk" goes because I feel like there's a slight chance it could just be a catalyst to get me to talk to her without making herself feel vulnerable. I'm not sure if she wants to talk over the phone or in person, but either way it should be interesting. She said she hoped I was doing well and I wished her the same.

It makes me sad to see so little emotion in her texts, but I know it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't feeling any. I just need to be patient and see what the future holds, even though it's difficult to do so.

[once removed]

I'm super curious to see how this "talk" goes because I feel like there's a slight chance it could just be a catalyst to get me to talk to her without making herself feel vulnerable. I'm not sure if she wants to talk over the phone or in person, but either way it should be interesting. She said she hoped I was doing well and I wished her the same.

do you have a strategy for the upcoming talk?

It makes me sad to see so little emotion in her texts, but I know it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't feeling any. I just need to be patient and see what the future holds, even though it's difficult to do so.

i cant overstate how much you are helping your situation by not reacting out of anxiety or emotion. its incredibly difficult, and i commend you for pulling it off 

[livednlearned]

Hi whizzerd,

I wanted to join the others in saying hello and welcoming you.

Sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do is to date ourselves -- being your usual awesome self can actually remind your BPD loved one what she fell in love with. All of the things you're doing to take care of yourself, whether spending time with family and friends, all of this is so helpful.

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship without being emotionally injured. She needs a strong partner so keep doing what you are doing 

This may help you in thinking about the upcoming talk and how to center yourself. Boundaries can be very sexy 

[whizzerd]

My only strategy so far is to remain calm and try to listen to what she says as best as I can. If I can avoid it, I'd like to not turn it into an argument. I'm going to talk more with my therapist about that as well in case she has any suggestions. Have any tips?

Thank you for the kind words as well. I am not perfect, and towards the beginning (before she moved out) I was having a very hard time trying not to be too emotional, but it's gotten much better and easier with time.

Thank you livednlearned for the warm welcome! I'm trying to focus on myself a bit. It's kind of nice to be hanging out with my friends and living relatively stress-free. I felt like I was always her emotional rock, but if we ever do get back together, I need to be even more of an emotional support for her. I'm definitely becoming a big fan of boundaries.

[livednlearned]

Have any tips?

Have you been reading about validation?

This can be a very powerful way to mitigate some of the unintentional arguments that escalate.

COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

Validations isn't just agreeing with someone. Validation is a key concept that has the power to really transform and improve relationships.  It does this by adding in a few missing ingredients - acceptance, understanding, and empathy. When a relationship is dysfunctional, typically there is a lack of validation (understanding) going on and lots of invalidation (misunderstanding) happening. These misunderstanding make it difficult, if not impossible for communication to happen. It is pretty easy to validate someone who is not upset. Validating a person who is emotionally upset (dysregulated) is a skill.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

I also really appreciate this one about validating questions from the book You Don't Have To Make Everything All Better:

[whizzerd]

Thank you! It was nice to learn about validation and definitely could see it being extremely useful. I appreciate all the help during this difficult time.