Escalating violence and a suicide threat

[globalnomad]

The past month (which included our wedding) has been a blissful period of stability with my BPD wife, with a huge reduction in conflict. It was the longest period we have ever gone without a dysregulation. I truly believed we had made some real progress.

Everything was shattered this weekend and life has been living hell ever since.

I could feel it coming on Saturday. She started snapping at me over trivial little things, and was baiting me all day long. I was pretty good at validating and we somehow made it through to Sunday. She started again Sunday morning. I forgot to offer her toast when I was making some for myself, I drank two cups of coffee (she is convinced it's bad for me), I changed a diaper the "wrong way", she found out that I hadn't returned a book to Barnes and Noble that I was supposed to return, etc etc. The criticism just wore on and on. Eventually I told her she was being rude to me and that I would not continue the conversation if she was going to be so critical.

This turned into one of those circular fights when you can't even remember what you are arguing about. By this time I was too exhausted to validate properly any more. She became more and more dysregulated, threw her sweater at me and started screaming in my face -- all while I was holding our baby. I told her she was acting crazy (yes, a very bad move, I know) and I was going to take our son away from that situation until she had calmed down.

Upon which she threatened to kill me. Three times. If I tried to take the baby away from her. She then came and snatched him from me.

I decided to take a long walk. After I came back an hour later I asked her if she understood the seriousness of the threat she had made to me. She responded by grabbing a knife from the kitchen and threatening to stab herself instead. Again, all as I am holding our baby.

The next day, she was all happy and smiling as if nothing had ever happened. Ever since then, she has been angry that I am still upset about what happened (I'm the bad guy for responding badly to death threats). The only positive that has come out of this is she has finally agreed to see a therapist. She assures me the suicide threat was not serious and she doesn't understand how it happened as she had been happy for weeks beforehand.

All of this makes me quite afraid. I realize that she is truly suffering, yet I am not sure I can take the kind of emotional turmoil she inflicts on me. And I now understand she truly does have no control at all when dysregulating. I am frightened of what she could do.

Not sure I have a question for you all, but just writing this out somehow makes me feel a little better.

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[teapay]

Hey global,  I thought you handled it overall well.  Pretty stressful situation.  Often hard to know exactly what do in the thick of it.  I've been through similar with my darling wife, love of my life, also.  There have been several times where her behavior has shocked even herself and she's sought help over it.  Maybe your W hit one of those spots too.  Think it over and try to determine what you might do differently or the same next time. That might help your emotional turmoil because it will likely happen again at some point.  Leave earlier?  Leave longer?  Call 911-cops or emergency services?  You know your W and situation best.

[globalnomad]

Hey global,  I thought you handled it overall well.  Pretty stressful situation.  Often hard to know exactly what do in the thick of it.  I've been through similar with my darling wife, love of my life, also.  There have been several times where her behavior has shocked even herself and she's sought help over it.  Maybe your W hit one of those spots too.  Think it over and try to determine what you might do differently or the same next time. That might help your emotional turmoil because it will likely happen again at some point.  Leave earlier?  Leave longer?  Call 911-cops or emergency services?  You know your W and situation best.

Thankyou teapay. I have indeed been doing a lot of thinking about what I might do differently next time. I thought about calling 911, but I'm sure I'm the one who would end up somehow getting blamed in such a situation. Leave earlier is probably the one thing I would do next time. And stop invalidating, no matter how outrageously she behaves toward me. That last one is very, very challenging.

[sweetheart]

Hello globalnomad  

That was a really difficult situation to be in with your baby, it must have felt very scary. I'm glad to hear that you are ok, and I also understand why you would feel frightened about future dysregulations and things escalating.

Your focus must be your safety and the safety of your child.

This is a link with lots of information about men and DV.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0 You are right to be wary of your situation, this link looks at the reasons why. Despite the issues raised in the link this should not stop you from phoning for help, but you are right leaving as soon as you feel things starting to escalate is best.

Having a Safety Plan ahead of time, clothes for you and your child, money, phone, somewhere to stay, just in case you need to. It helps to think about these things in advance and planning ahead, awareness of the risks will help to keep you all safe.

I was just wondering is mum-in-law still around helping out, is she aware of how difficult things can be?

Who is around for support for you ?

[teapay]

Global, the DV link is a good place to start, but spend some time understanding how 911 works in your state and locally.  Prep the battlefield and know how to protect yourself if you make that call.  You might need it or might not.  If your W gets comfortable threatening you or hitting you or the like and knows nothing will happen of it, you'll get more of it.  Sometimes a consequence for bad behavior is warranted.  Often it can be effective.  Having to eat her own X might go further than a century of validating.  My W seems more effected by the stick than the carrot.  Usually with the carrot, she's like,  "Hey, don't I get fries with that carrot?".  If your W is at the point of outrageous behavior the opportunity for useful validation is likely gone and leaving is best for all.  That might become an SOP for you.  I validate my W for feelings and positions that any normal person or somewhat sensitive person might have, which is good and healthy, but not for irrational, crazy or false stuff.  Maybe I'll listen at most as a courtsey, but don't get sucked into crazy, especially if it involves me.  Does she like that? No.