Should I cry?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I think I feel like crying but I never do.  I just take it like a tough gal but one day I will.  It is just to much to keep inside. But I don't know that I am ready to cry or what I should be crying for. I know it does not feel good to be defrauded. Was it really a hoax or is that the best she could do.  Her time was up instead of mine. All I know is that instead of a friend in my bed, I now know she was my worst enemy.

The envy she felt towards me was so obvious. She hated that people liked me.  It is not my fault.  Take that up with the lord.  I treat people with respect.  I am always smiling even when I feel down.  I just do. My motto is, "smile anyway". Spread love not negativity.  People so care about others problems but why burden them with it.  I feel that if I need to ever use someone as a stress bank I have friends that would love to hear my crap, why walk around looking all sad? I smile no matter what.

These are things she use to hate but I didn't know.  If I think about it she never gave me a compliment. She criticized the fact I was never a druggie, or a fast a*s. Said stuff like, you are such a goody tushu. So? She would say that I was spoiled and to many people give to me.  Maybe it is because I am a good soul, duh!   

Yup! Its been about 4 months.  I feel exhausted and I'm still dealing with the drama. That's because I have not yet chosen to go no contact.  We don't see each other.  It is only the occasional text.  Hi how are you? Hope you're doing okay. Little at a time.  I wonder if I'm faking (to myself) feeling hurt. I wonder if I am just waiting for her to show me that she's actually human and she didn't just come into my life to hate me and destroy me and the life of the ones THAT LOVE ME.  I wonder if I've just learned to ignore bad feelings.

Yes she had BPD. Said she has never been diagnose with anything but I seriously doubt it. This woman could not tell the truth to save her children's life.  She cheated on me the day before my birthday and of course gave me a crappy gift for my birthday.

When she came around me everything just started to fall apart.  i mean, EVERYTHING.  I lost income, acquaintances and she was trying to separate me from all my friends.  The things is I have somehow manage to keep a small circle of friends and family that I don't have to prove me to, therefore, she could not discredit me.  but she did try and she tried hard.

It's like I didn't know what hit me.  I met her one day and she lived in my house for the next 7 months.  Not consistently of course.  She did disappear sometimes.  First for a couple of days then for a one week later for a couple of weeks.  Came back looking at me like I was nuts for having feelings about her disappearances.  . 

She used me for the entire time she was around me. Not for money but for other beneficial reasons.  No, not sex.  Oh I'm sure she was getting plenty of that elsewhere.  Well, I wasn't sure then but now I am. 

Why I'm here today, idk.  I feel something in my chest, like I should be letting out feelings somehow.  One thing I know, she cannot come back into my life no matter what.  I'm trying my best NOT to hate her but she is going around telling people i'm crazy and that I am harassing her (PROJECTING.)  .  They are her peoples so she can tell them what she pleases.  I don't care.  I know it is the illness and that its not personal, but damn! Those who have been through this, know that it is more than annoying.

I hate that I had the devil, at least an enemy, in my house for about 8 months.  Sleeping next to me, eating my food, dancing with me, hearing & seeing my life, and I allowed it.  That's what's killing me. I need to release what's in/on my chest some how.  I guess I will when I'm ready.

Thanks for reading.

I didn't do a spell check. sorry

[FallBack!Monster]

I think I feel like crying but I never do.  I just take it like a tough gal but one day I will.  It is just to much to keep inside. But I don't know that I am ready to cry or what I should be crying for. I know it does not feel good to be defrauded. Was it really a hoax or is that the best she could do.  Her time was up instead of mine. All I know is that instead of a friend in my bed, I now know she was my worst enemy.

The envy she felt towards me was so obvious. She hated that people liked me.  It is not my fault.  Take that up with the lord.  I treat people with respect.  I am always smiling even when I feel down.  I just do. My motto is, "smile anyway". Spread love not negativity.  People so care about others problems but why burden them with it.  I feel that if I need to ever use someone as a stress bank I have friends that would love to hear my crap, why walk around looking all sad? I smile no matter what.

These are things she use to hate but I didn't know.  If I think about it she never gave me a compliment. She criticized the fact I was never a druggie, or a fast a*s. Said stuff like, you are such a goody tushu. So? She would say that I was spoiled and to many people give to me.  Maybe it is because I am a good soul, duh!   

Yup! Its been about 4 months.  I feel exhausted and I'm still dealing with the drama. That's because I have not yet chosen to go no contact.  We don't see each other.  It is only the occasional text.  Hi how are you? Hope you're doing okay. Little at a time.  I wonder if I'm faking (to myself) feeling hurt. I wonder if I am just waiting for her to show me that she's actually human and she didn't just come into my life to hate me and destroy me and the life of the ones THAT LOVE ME.  I wonder if I've just learned to ignore bad feelings.

Yes she had BPD. Said she has never been diagnose with anything but I seriously doubt it. This woman could not tell the truth to save her children's life.  She cheated on me the day before my birthday and of course gave me a crappy gift for my birthday.

When she came around me everything just started to fall apart.  i mean, EVERYTHING.  I lost income, acquaintances and she was trying to separate me from all my friends.  The things is I have somehow manage to keep a small circle of friends and family that I don't have to prove me to, therefore, she could not discredit me.  but she did try and she tried hard.

It's like I didn't know what hit me.  I met her one day and she lived in my house for the next 7 months.  Not consistently of course.  She did disappear sometimes.  First for a couple of days then for a one week later for a couple of weeks.  Came back looking at me like I was nuts for having feelings about her disappearances.  . 

She used me for the entire time she was around me. Not for money but for other beneficial reasons.  No, not sex.  Oh I'm sure she was getting plenty of that elsewhere.  Well, I wasn't sure then but now I am. 

Why I'm here today, idk.  I feel something in my chest, like I should be letting out feelings somehow.  One thing I know, she cannot come back into my life no matter what.  I'm trying my best NOT to hate her but she is going around telling people i'm crazy and that I am harassing her (PROJECTING.)  .  They are her peoples so she can tell them what she pleases.  I don't care.  I know it is the illness and that its not personal, but damn! Those who have been through this, know that it is more than annoying.

I hate that I had the devil, at least an enemy, in my house for about 8 months.  Sleeping next to me, eating my food, dancing with me, hearing & seeing my life, and I allowed it.  That's what's killing me. I need to release what's in/on my chest some how.  I guess I will when I'm ready.

Thanks for reading.

I didn't do a spell check. sorry

[Shale]

Hi. Sounds like you need a hug. And permission... .

... .so yes, the short answer is yes. If you feel like crying you should. Go ahead. I do. It feels natural.

I spent a huge portion of my life either frowning so people would leave me alone or faking a smile because it seemed like a good mask, matched most of the other humans. I don't know you or your circumstances, but after reading that the main thing I wanted to say to you was "Hey pal... .*no one* smiles all the time. Let it go." Without getting too analytical on you because I'm not qualified to do that, faking a smile no matter what isn't spreading the love you think it is, nor is it keeping negativity at bay. All it's doing is masking what you're really feeling from those around you.

Give those you keep close, the ones that deserve to be there, a chance to see what you're going through. If you don't, you're taking away from them their opportunity to spread some love and support to you. I've always had good friends, they're my only family, and I'e cried in front of each and every one of them in the last few months. They get it. But what do I really know... .I wear my heart on my sleeve after realizing all the mess I left around me when I was younger by not being genuine.

Give them a chance to see what's up. True friends will always be there. Cry on them... .it's part of their job.

Good lookin' out. We've got your back.

[Turkish]

It's hurtful when we're invalidated, especially when it goes to our core values, which are what define us. As one example, I was told (disparagingly), "you're such a social butterfly!" My Ex suffered from something like social anxiety. Maybe she was jealous, yet articulated it poorly, who knows?

That I was more social and confident than she was may have been part of what attracted me to her in the first place. People with BPD have an unstable sense of themselves, and attach in part to complete themselves, the emptiness inside. It's also a shame based disorder, and that shame gets projected, they being unable to deal with it. This is when it turns hurtful to us.

I agree. Cry. That's validating your own emotions.

Turkish

[Shale]

My ex also hated that I had friends; when she was lucid and stable she was able to very clearly articulate that she was very jealous of my natural and effortless ability to make and keep very close and genuine friends. The rest of the time she hated them all because they had a place in my heart she was terrified she could never have. A calm jealousy very easily becomes a cold spite, and a cold spite just as easily becomes a hot rage.

[Clearmind]

Hi. Sounds like you need a hug. And permission... .

true. And giving ourselves permission requires us to be in a state of wise mind - a balanced state of mind where you listen to your inner wisdom. Be in touch.

My childhood dictated me to be strong. My parents were some what dysfunctional in their own ways and my father was a drinker. I had to keep smiling, I had to smile no matter what because the flip side was "me" and how I really felt. How I really needed to feel. However my environment was not a safe one to feel in so I blocked it.

My ex felt a whole lot! Feelings were abundant. Feelings were everywhere. Triggered by what seemed simple things. He was also playful and almost child like. I got to play along in his fantasy world. He took me a ride and hell it felt good. I got to act safety like that child I wish I had been allowed to be. Until the hammer fell and his need to serve and please soon faded and I was knocked off that pedestal. It became all about his needs. I tried to please but none worked.

When you are idealised the fall from grace is spectacular and it hurts.

We give up things to please. I lost financially. I was propping up an adult like I propped up my parents.

As a young child I became an adult. I learnt not to take care of me. My needs didn't matter. My parents needs far outwayed mine.

Enter a Borderline. Perfect. I could serve, I could be childlike. What sucked is that my boundaries as a child was negated. I learnt my relationship skills as a child from my parents. They loved me however they weren't good teachers. My BPD ex taught me more about me than anyone had before. It was a wake up call.

Why do we choose to attach to a Borderline? The answer is not in them. It's in us.

So having contact is more than fine. You'll learning more about you. In time your worth will rebuild. You'll rebuild who you are and in time you'll be highly allergic to the toxicity and will find comfort in the quiet not in the roller coaster. That roller coaster is deceiving. It keeps us hooked as we continually seek out the highs/connectedness to other person.

For now, when you can begin to slowly process some of the possible reasons why you may have attached. There in lies the key to detaching.

[FallBack!Monster]

Shale--> A real hug would be nice. Invalidated? maybe but it has nothing to do with my ex-whatever she was.  I think I have chosen not to cry, better yet, to just let the time pass until I don't care about my recent experience with a BPD because... .I think I could see from day one that something was seriously disordered about her thinking (taking responsibility for my part). 2nd. I don't think she's worth my tears.

Yes, I feel some kind of way because I wish I had finally found a lover and a friend in one, but when I search inside of me all I see is an ego trip.  Like... .damn! why did I let her in my house if I knew she was so messed up.  However, I failed to notice the degree of envy. It was killing her and she wanted to kill the happy in me.

That's what I don't get.  You treat them with the love you think they are missing because you can identify with that feeling. You think to yourself, if someone treated me like this after all the pain and disappointments I've been through I would appreciate it.  But no! It doesn't work like that for BPD. Not that I thought I was the greatest person she had ever met and only I could cure her pain.  No! that was never a thought in my mind.  I just thought I could make her see that she is worthy of love.

My ego... .I was falling in love NOT with her.  She was to complicated as a person for me to choose a part of her to fall in love with.  I was falling in love with the things I was able to do for her.  Of course she was needy so I was able to mother her.  Why? Love that my mother never gave to me; i'm sure.

My tears? I have been through this type of experiences almost all my life.  Now that I look back, I am a magnet for needy people.  and yes, I do put my feelings last.  You only live once and I feel I am so strong.  I don't feel I have to act strong I just feel I am.  I feel that there are better things to cry about than a crack in a persons skull.  But in general, I don't feel she is worth my tears.  That's why I'm confused about should I cry and why. 

I cannot attach the feelings in my chest to anything in particular, about her.  Maybe I feel dumb because I defended her against some of my friends.  Maybe is because I wish my dreams had finally came through, idk. Maybe is because I opened the door to the dangers in my life and if something worse had happened it would've been my life.  Oh yes she was the worse thing that ever happened to me.  Reason why... .Nothing about her was real.  Not her stories nor her feelings for me...

I recognize that I need unconditional love and that's probably the reason why I choose to share it even with undeserving people.  BUT... .I know I'm strong but I also know I can break like anyone else.  I'm trying to make sense of this last experience.  She did teach me things about myself but I dont know if means justifies the lesson. 

These days I feel lost.  Not stuck but lost and i'm out meeting people. that's what I like to do, meet folks, laugh, listen to music.  Music is good for the soul.  Nothing listening to music that takes you back to when you was you and none of this life's disturbances had happened. 

Anyway... .On a daily basis she texts dumb stuff to me.  She use to call but I recently "sold my phone"  to someone else but I had them keep my number.  I told her so she doesn't call or text me. I didn't so call get rid of my phone because of her or just to hurt her.  I did it for myself.  I use to look at that phone way to much expecting a text from her. Most of the time it didn't come but when it did... .the text had nothing to do with me or with us.  I felt that was just a way for her to try to start controlling me in a more overtly manner.

I told her when I met her that she will never be able to control me.  LOL... little did I know she was already doing it covertly. But that's okay.  I am made out of flesh and bones, I have feelings and I am a person.  I forgive myself for being human. 

Thank you all for acknowledging my post and feelings.