conflicting feelings

[lilly2305]

Hello all.

I came across this site after i stumbled upon some articles on emotional incest.

It should be noted I dont think i am BPD.

In short, I believe that most areas of my self image are intact.

In other words, i have good self confidence and excel and feel stable in the aspects of personality dealing with work, friendships, spiritual development, responsibility, ectr.

Where I start to lie to myself, have memory lapse, loose sense and placement of time, loose my voice/ courage, feel lack of worth, anxiety and essentially negate what i attribute as positive aspects of my character is when it comes to partner/ intimate relationships bracketed as such.

I grew up with an overprotective mother who made me responsible for her emotions. Her idea of boundaries is non existent. Often making herself present while i was showing, walking in on me dressing or being sexual with boyfriends, and not averting her attention left me feeling weird. It was like she made it a point to invade and be present but never for the sake of reprimanding my boyfriend and I ( i was 15), or when I was dressing for any substantial reason. It was like she had to be a part of or rather associated with my sexual self. I felt sexually abused without being touched.I often felt like I had to hide my sexuality all through my teenage years. i acted and dressed like the opposite sex. I still can't partake in PDA unless i am drunk even on the level of flirting.

All of this is really pressing me since a recent break up. We were together for seven years.

Throughout that time I felt attracted to other people, a mesh of love and lust. I felt such shame and guilt even though I never psychically cheated.

In fact, my last 3 serious relationships I found myself oscillating between strong feelings for two people at a time.

I feel broken. Unable to focus and enjoy one person.

It takes immense concentration, or more to the point it takes a lot of work to actually feel my body enough sexually to enjoy sex, unless I am NOT emotionally committed to a person. At first I thought I had just fallen out of love, that i got bored easily, and that i was poly-amorous,  but the more time passes I realize I feel an immense amount of pressure and anxiety that kills sexual enjoyment anytime i feel like the situation has some long term bareing on my life or some kind of finality.

The more i experience and observe myself I realize i am monogamous, i am still in love with my ex partner, and that i bracket different parts of what would be a healthy emotional connection into slivers i spread over many people.

I have abandonment issues, waves of anxiety, and meaninglessness.

So, even though I am currently still in love with my ex, I am fooling around with a friend. Whichever one I am with I feel like it is right. My feelings for one doesn't change/ affect the feelings i have for the other. And I find myself engaging both in ways that make me feel anxiety. Don't get me wrong I am feeling lustful, but I know I shouldn't be sexual until I heal and figure my own self out. What's weird is that it isn't the lust that drives me but something else.

I feel compulsive and divided. There is such a stark juxstaposition in my lack of self control and thinking straight in sexual relationships compared to the self control and basically asceticism i practice in all other areas of my life.

I feel anxiety now regularly and cant bring myself to tell my ex about my fooling around. I know he likely knows and has always been accepting of me but i a terrified he will abandon me, our friendship. The anxiety is overwhelming. Literally taking my ability to think straight when i try and tell him away. he is my best friend and ive never kept anything from him. I feel like a sociopath.

My question to you all who may be working through similar underlying unconscious patterning is how do i deal with overwhelming feelings of abandonment/ anxiety that are keeping me from being honest?

Also, it should be noted that he is likely BPD.

But has worked through much of it. He rarely oscillates between what i call "presented selves" anymore.

Slivers of his personality that aren't integrated in one presented self but rather seem to have their own philosophy, morals, speech pattern, ectr.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello lilly2305 and welcome aboard!

I know when I first found this board I was very comforted to realize that I wasn't alone, and that others had gone though things like I've been experiencing.

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on, and a lot to cope with. This part really struck me:

I felt sexually abused without being touched.

I believe you. What you describe *IS* sexual abuse.

How you feel about it, what you did as a teen and young adult, how you are reacting, and the impacts on your sexual/romantic relationships are typical for a victim of childhood sexual abuse.

 I'm so sorry you went through that.

Making any comparisons between your experience and what it did to you with others who experienced physical violation as a part of their sexual abuse isn't going to help you or them. That sort of comparison is a rabbit hole you can go down and beat yourself up because it "wasn't that bad, at least it wasn't 'X'" and telling yourself that your feelings aren't justified, etc.

Please be gentle with yourself and when you see yourself going down that rabbit hole, pull yourself back up--you won't find good things there.

... .At first I thought I had just fallen out of love, that i got bored easily, and that i was poly-amorous. [... .] The more i experience and observe myself I realize i am monogamous, i am still in love with my ex partner, and that i bracket different parts of what would be a healthy emotional connection into slivers i spread over many people.

I have abandonment issues, waves of anxiety, and meaninglessness.

So, even though I am currently still in love with my ex, I am fooling around with a friend. Whichever one I am with I feel like it is right. My feelings for one doesn't change/ affect the feelings i have for the other. And I find myself engaging both in ways that make me feel anxiety.

You really do sound confused here. Some of what you describe fits being monogamous at heart, some of it fits being polyamorous at heart. And all of it fits being hurt, confused, and needing to heal from your sexual abuse as a child.

What have you done for support and healing for yourself?

Have you had individual therapy or considered it?

Do you have safe and trustworthy friends who can support you?

It sounds like your family is a bit of a minefield, and your mother is dangerous if not toxic. Are there other family members you trust?

 GK