:'(
So the day has come that I have been anticipating for some time now. I learned about her engagement over instagram this morning(still follow her like a dummy.) I expected to feel relief, and overall I think I do. Of course I wonder if it was all me. She's undiagnosed, but clearly had issues and matches a lot of the traits BPD's exhibit. I feel some sadness that she had effectively moved on, while I still haven't much less had sexual contact with another woman. Been on dates, but my expectations/guard is up it's almost impossible to scale. I wonder if she rages with him, drinks to the point of passing out, ignores adult responsibilities, questions their relationship at every turn, unhealthy relationship with family members, uninterested in his perspective or feelings, questions her job status weekly, has contact with other guys, lies, deceit, selfishness or just about all the ugly things I encountered with her. Yes I am best off without her. Still question myself when I see this guy who has recently acquired an MBA from one of the top 5 schools in the country. I am successful too, although it's almost impossible for me not to compare. It leaves me wondering... How does he do it? How does he put up with it all, maybe she doesn't give him the same shi! she gave me. So much rumination it makes me sick. I guess the bright side is she is occupied and will not try and contact me again.
After looking back, our last email exchanges were May of 2015, with shades of friendship/not wanting to let go. They were official summer of 2015. With her acknowledging a relationship with him around January 2015. I have been left in the dust. Out a beautiful dog in the process. She left me with nothing but a guarantee that I don't have to put up with her inner pyscho anymore. That's pretty huge, no? Don't have to deal with her fickle mind wanting to change cities when the wind switches directions, don't have to come home not knowing if it was going to be good or bad her. Not worried about finding her drinking herself into oblivion. Or calming her down after a call with her mom, who she has an unhealthy relationship with. All that unpredictably gone! Free at last. I have mixture of happiness and sadness. And a fuk ton of questions about how they make it work. Will they make it work? How long will it last, maybe forever? Maybe I should simply try and not think about them. It's not that simple. I miss my dog, should've never let her have her. I should've never let it get this far.
