What were some of the LIES your Ex BPD told you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Looking back at my conversations with my ex I have come to find a ton of lies she told me. Going as far back as our teenage years. Some of them were people she was sleeping with that we're not true. Saying a neighbor on her floor was interested in her, her ex boyfriend raped her. Her brother and his friend molested her and the list goes on and on. All of these I have found are lies. Anyone else have any horrendous lies like this told to them?

[Confused108]

Looking back at my conversations with my ex I have come to find a ton of lies she told me. Going as far back as our teenage years. Some of them were people she was sleeping with that we're not true. Saying a neighbor on her floor was interested in her, her ex boyfriend raped her. Her brother and his friend molested her and the list goes on and on. All of these I have found are lies. Anyone else have any horrendous lies like this told to them?

[JerryRG]

My ex was sexually abused by her father and his friends, she has been raped 5 times by 5 different guys, sexually abused by some guy for years, and yeah I have no idea if any of these stories are true. What I wonder is does she actually believe it or is she so needy for attention to make things up. I would listen but eventually I learned to tune her out. People told me she was a pathological lyer but I thought eventually she would stop lying and she would tell me the truth about her.

Another thing I just remembered is she would deliberately put herself in dangerous situations, when we were engaged she would wash clothes in a laundry mat late nights alone. She had laundry services where she lived, it was like she wanted to live dangerously.

[Confused108]

Yes ! I was told this stuff when my ex was begging me to tell her I still loved her and wanted a relationship with her. I feel it's a roping in tactic as well as a "feel bad " for me tactic.

[GreenEyedMonster]

It took until after the relationship ended to understand the type and frequency of my ex's lies.  He maintained that he was an honest person, but I have definitely caught him in some lies.

As I've mentioned in another thread, his lies are typical of a young person who grew up in an alcoholic family.  They are lies of the "everything is fine" variety.

When his alcoholic dad died, he eulogized him kindly on social media, while privately bashing him as a loser.

When he had a narcissistic meltdown in front of our friends and didn't make it to a gathering, he lied and said he got lost.

When he chose to attend his friend's event instead of mine, he acted like he wished he could have gone to my event instead.

When he went on vacation without me, he acted like he wanted me there, even though he passed up the opportunity to bring me along.

While on vacation, he told me he was too tired to call me, but then stayed up until 3 am to talk to his friends.

All of his lies were of this same "saving face" variety.  I don't think he was even totally conscious of his own duplicity.  I do not have any particular reason to think that he cheated on me or did anything specifically unfaithful, but he certainly never revealed any flaws or selfish behavior that might make me leave him or judge him.  Our relationship fell apart when I figured it out and judged him anyway.

[kc sunshine]

Did you all tell lies to your ex because of walking on eggshells? I did.   

[Confused108]

No . I never told me ex lies. Believe me I walked on my share of "eggshells" and did use the term with my ex. I even approached her about some of her lies only to meet with a oh yes I slept with him I just forgot I did. I believe some of her "sleeping" with certain ppl I knew was to make me jealous and it wasn't true. And the other half of her lies about being raped and molested were to pull at my heart strings and have pity on her. Sick!

[GreenEyedMonster]

Did you all tell lies to your ex because of walking on eggshells? I did.   

The situation made me *compulsively* truthful -- as in OCD compulsions.  I realized that any new revelation about my past, or any misunderstanding, would blow the whole thing up.  So I kept talking about everything I had done, my ex and everything we did, all of my previous relationship experiences and my opinions in a horrible, frightening degree of detail that would have otherwise been very inappropriate.  I was always afraid that if I left out anything, it would be the one thing that would make him angry later.  It left me with the sense that I wasn't allowed to have any past or any secrets.

[Eastbound]

She told me that her best friend slept with her boyfriend multiple times while they were still together. She also told me that they'd always deny it but everyone knew. I have no idea if this is true and I feel like I want to ask them about it but I have no relationship with the exbestfriend and I really don't want to risk my exBPDgf finding out.

[Heartbroken_guy]

As per my ex, she was molested by her uncle, she was raped while in drugs and someone was recording. her ex fiance supposedly was abusive, ex boyfriend drugged her when she took a video of her having sex and sent it to me as revenge and the list goes on. i am not sure what are lies and what are the truth. i caught her on so many lies and i feel like i was trapped on falling for her and everything was an illusion. Very mind f*cking but thats how they trap you into falling for them, by feeling pity for them and being their savior.

One thing i cant wrap my head around is that : they were some moments that she was drunk and thats when she would talk about her self and she gave me a vibe that she knew that she had a problem and that she was aware of her disorder. So go figure.

[Finnegan]

Lies upon lies upon lies.  The simple one of I can't phone you in my rented house as no mobile signal (however I managed to talk to him the other night when I phoned his landlady) OR  ... She was a girl i worked with and it was only flirty texting = is a lady of 50+ he found on an internet site and had sex with the week we were 'celebrating' 25yrs together! ...   I live in a house rented by work on my own; turned to I have a landlady; becomes I met her in 2014 when I was in my previous job and when I went back to work in the area (he has worked away for years Mon-FRi) I moved in with her (we are just friends) now is I am close to her.  ... .Or how about the basic "I LOVE YOU" = SCREWING MULTIPLE OTHER WOMEN .   Every new story changes as i got closer to the truth until he knew I knew as  I had found his other women.  Probably the latest lie is "I am having therapy".

Just back from a intro to family mediation as cannot face seeing him and need someone to be there.  So much to sort out. Finances, wellbeing of our kids, housing, myself not cracking up... .

[Welgrow]

Wow! Yes she told me lies about her virtuous nature and some of her first disregulations centered around her saying that I wasn't "the boyfriend type". She said her ex had abused her and raped her. She then started admitting to a number of guys she slept with. Later she said one of these guys raped her. She got caught having emotional affairs with a number of other men but swore that they weren't physical. Then she admitted to having physically cheated with her abusive ex... .This story turned into him having forced himself on her... .It changed again from rape to just cheating. This type of lying happened so much, and it's taken time to see it clearly.

GEM,

I also had the experience of over sharing because I was trying to avoid her wrath. She over shared frequently, and then she'd demand to know intimate details of my former lovers.

[MapleBob]

Funny thing with this topic: my exBPD would rarely actually lie to me, but she could sure tell the truth in a very selective, distorted, and manipulative way!

Actual lies:

- I spent the weekend with her (long-distance relationship) the weekend before her birthday. Had a great time, did a bunch of birthday stuff, took her out, the whole thing. Before I left I asked her what she was doing on her actual birthday; she said she had plans. So I made plans too, because I didn't want to be sitting at home thinking about her having fun on her birthday without me. Later I find out that she didn't have plans, and actually spent the night at home crying because I had made plans on her birthday! I never heard the end of that one, and even tried to make it up to her immediately afterwards by planning a trip. This was cited as a huge reason why I "didn't love her enough". Apparently she'd often say she had plans when she didn't so as to not look like "a huge loser"

- During the relationship: "My parents are great, you'll love them, they're really funny and sweet and helpful." After the relationship: "My mother is a terrible, embarrassing alcoholic and my father is a horrible codependent enabler. I can barely trust them with my daughter because I'm afraid something will happen and they'll be too drunk to deal with it and then I'll lose my daughter." Either way I never got to meet them, so who knows which is true?

There are probably more, but those are the ones that come to mind.

[Michelle27]

There were so many little lies along the way including affairs, the story that his first was abusive to him, where he was, etc., but the one that rocked me to the core the most was finding out that he lied for 15 years about his former employment.  He had stories about pilot school, many flights and relationships with flight attendants followed by being "grounded" due to unexplained blood clots (this part was believable because he was on blood thinners).  I heard these stories for 15 years and only found out 2 months after separating that it was all a lie.  He worked for the airline alright, cleaning the planes and emptying the bathrooms... .

[Herodias]

Way too many to share... .never ends! Can't believe a word he says! It's like 85 percent of what he says is lies! I keep wondering if the gf has figured it out- It's been over a year! He continues to lie to me and my lawyer... ."the check is in the mail"... .etc. He is pathological. Yes, he lives dangerously too, except when he is on probation by the courts. He remains  somewhat calm until that's over... .then he starts up again. Right now he has until June to keep calm... .

[SummerStorm]

Mine tells half-truths about some things:

She says she was molested from ages 10-16 and that nothing was done about it.  It was one time, at age 15, and her mother went through all of the proper channels to have the person removed from the house and then put her in therapy.

She claims to be a martial arts expert.  She took lessons as a child, for just a few months.

She says she was on the golf team at the first college she attended.  They asked her to join, but she never did. 


She tells some lies to save face:

She told a co-worker that she couldn't chaperone a school dance because she was having a root canal that day, which wasn't true at all.

She was embarrassed about a cold sore and told everyone that her rabbit had scratched her and that's why she was wearing a band-aid on her face.


She also lied about how many suicide attempts she's had.  Prior to last year's attempt, she told me that there had only been one other one.  There have actually been four total.  This is probably the saddest lie she's told. 

[Confused108]

As per my ex, she was molested by her uncle, she was raped while in drugs and someone was recording. her ex fiance supposedly was abusive, ex boyfriend drugged her when she took a video of her having sex and sent it to me as revenge and the list goes on. i am not sure what are lies and what are the truth. i caught her on so many lies and i feel like i was trapped on falling for her and everything was an illusion. Very mind f*cking but thats how they trap you into falling for them, by feeling pity for them and being their savior.

One thing i cant wrap my head around is that : they were some moments that she was drunk and thats when she would talk about her self and she gave me a vibe that she knew that she had a problem and that she was aware of her disorder. So go figure.

yes! I found that with my ex it was like I was her Knight in shinning armor in the very very beginning. It was like she needed saving etc! Sick , sick, sick! And as an ex cop going around and telling lies about ppl raping them is unbelievable! That could very well land an innocent person in jail very very easy!

[Lonely_Astro]

Way too many to share... .never ends! Can't believe a word he says! It's like 85 percent of what he says is lies! I keep wondering if the gf has figured it out- It's been over a year! He continues to lie to me and my lawyer... ."the check is in the mail"... .etc. He is pathological. Yes, he lives dangerously too, except when he is on probation by the courts. He remains  somewhat calm until that's over... .then he starts up again. Right now he has until June to keep calm... .

Im jealous.  I'd go for 85% over the 95% I experienced with J. (sarcasm) 

On a more serious note, I experienced so many lies from J that it was just beyond ridiculous.  Her favorite technique is lies of omission.  There were blatant lies too, of course, but she was a master at half-truths and omission.  I could write a novella with all the stuff she told me vs. what was actually the truth.  From her financial status to her martial status to what she had for dinner the night before... .all lies.  She should be in Hollywood, she can deliver a lie like no one's business.

[jessedsickabouther]

"I'm at my girlfriends house having dinner" (out making out with a guy)

"Im all in " (next day was last day I ever saw her)

" I want to be friends I don't want to lose you from my life"

" I was diagnosed with BPD but  im cured"

[Herodias]

 "Im jealous.  I'd go for 85% over the 95% I experienced with J. (sarcasm)  grin

On a more serious note, I experienced so many lies from J that it was just beyond ridiculous.  Her favorite technique is lies of omission.  There were blatant lies too, of course, but she was a master at half-truths and omission.  I could write a novella with all the stuff she told me vs. what was actually the truth.  From her financial status to her martial status to what she had for dinner the night before... .all lies.  She should be in Hollywood, she can deliver a lie like no one's business."

Lonely Astro, I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, -I know what you mean! Mine did the lies by omission too. He has recently told my Lawyer the check is in the mail, for the second time. It has been 5 days and it should not take more than two at the most! He also pretended to be at a concert I was attending... .telling me he may see me there and going so far as to ask me where I was! I know he was not there... .He didn't know I was going another night,lol... I think he just wanted me to not enjoy the show and look for him all night! I think I know him better than he knows himself now... .So glad to be on the other side!

[JoD]

I guess this is a question more than a statement.  Maybe one of you will have some insight.

At the beginning of our relationship, my ex girlfriend told me that she was sexually abused over a period of a few years by her uncle in her teenage years.  At the time, I didn't know she had BPD, and when I found out, I took her at her word and started assuming that this may have been what caused her BPD to take root.  Looking back, I'm realizing that her BPD may have entered the picture earlier, and this may have been a sort of manipulative story to cause me to feel protective of her.  To reel me in, so to speak.

She would always get upset if I asked her to talk about it with her therapist or anyone else, and was furious when I mentioned it to a mental health worker without her permission.

Do you think it was the real deal, or do you think she was making it up to make me feel sorry for her?

[Heartbroken_guy]

Do you think it was the real deal, or do you think she was making it up to make me feel sorry for her?[/quote]
It seems that all of this people have the same story and makes you wonder. Most likely it might not be true, it looks like they want you to feel sorry for them, for acting the way they are and so you can forgive their cruel actions. When you cry wolf all the time it makes harder for the ones that they are actually abused. Mind blowing right... .

[Heartbroken_guy]

As per my ex, she was molested by her uncle, she was raped while in drugs and someone was recording. her ex fiance supposedly was abusive, ex boyfriend drugged her when she took a video of her having sex and sent it to me as revenge and the list goes on. i am not sure what are lies and what are the truth. i caught her on so many lies and i feel like i was trapped on falling for her and everything was an illusion. Very mind f*cking but thats how they trap you into falling for them, by feeling pity for them and being their savior.

One thing i cant wrap my head around is that : they were some moments that she was drunk and thats when she would talk about her self and she gave me a vibe that she knew that she had a problem and that she was aware of her disorder. So go figure.

yes! I found that with my ex it was like I was her Knight in shinning armor in the very very beginning. It was like she needed saving etc! Sick , sick, sick! And as an ex cop going around and telling lies about ppl raping them is unbelievable! That could very well land an innocent person in jail very very easy!

Well she did put a restraing order on her ex fiancé and she threaten me with a law suit so i am sure it has happened somewhere. This is some serious illness and people need to be more aware of it.

[GreenEyedMonster]

As per my ex, she was molested by her uncle, she was raped while in drugs and someone was recording. her ex fiance supposedly was abusive, ex boyfriend drugged her when she took a video of her having sex and sent it to me as revenge and the list goes on. i am not sure what are lies and what are the truth. i caught her on so many lies and i feel like i was trapped on falling for her and everything was an illusion. Very mind f*cking but thats how they trap you into falling for them, by feeling pity for them and being their savior.

One thing i cant wrap my head around is that : they were some moments that she was drunk and thats when she would talk about her self and she gave me a vibe that she knew that she had a problem and that she was aware of her disorder. So go figure.

yes! I found that with my ex it was like I was her Knight in shinning armor in the very very beginning. It was like she needed saving etc! Sick , sick, sick! And as an ex cop going around and telling lies about ppl raping them is unbelievable! That could very well land an innocent person in jail very very easy!

Well she did put a restraing order on her ex fiancé and she threaten me with a law suit so i am sure it has happened somewhere. This is some serious illness and people need to be more aware of it.

My ex claimed his ex-fiancee was stalking him, with the intent of keeping him as a sex slave and murdering him later.  I usually think he actually believes this, but I am not totally sure.

Now he is claiming similar things about me.  So if it wasn't a lie, it was a pretty incredible delusion.  He actually seems to believe he can get a restraining order against me when I've barely spoken to him or had contact with him since the breakup. 

[gundam94]

I'm honestly not sure. I believed everything my ex told me. I was completely open and honest with her and I assumed she was with me. It wasn't until the relationship ended that I found out that she had been lying to me for months before it ended. Because of that I am now going over everything she has ever told me with new eyes and somethings don't add up.

For example she would tell me things that her mom would do. She made her mom out to be a person who's dumber then a box of rocks and who only cared about her daughter as much as what was required.

She would tell me how horrible her father was. How he would make her lay on his back stretcher (I have no idea what that is) with weights in her hands. She would be in a large amount of pain but he wouldn't care. She told me that whenever she would cry he would laugh at her. She also said that he would always call her a failure, how she'd never be any good and so on. He would make her clean the entire house and make her cook the meals because "that's a women's job". Looking back it fits every stereotype of the "evil abusive father", looking back it was all so over the top. She said I was the only one who believed her and I did. I even showed her the resources to get away from him, she still lives with him (she's in college. I couldn't afford for her to live with me).

Then when our relationship ended, she said she couldn't be with me anymore because I was abusive, controlling and she even threw in an accusation of sexual assault. She blamed me for absolutely ever single thing wrong in her life. I have her email posted in my thread. It reads like a crazy person wrote it.

I now consider every single thing she has ever told me to be a lie.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm honestly not sure. I believed everything my ex told me. I was completely open and honest with her and I assumed she was with me. It wasn't until the relationship ended that I found out that she had been lying to me for months before it ended. Because of that I am now going over everything she has ever told me with new eyes and somethings don't add up.

That's the trap, isn't it?  When we're empathetic people and partly blinded by love, even when we hear something fishy, we give the person the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, when this person comes to us and trusts us enough to confide in us about all of the abuse they experienced, and hold nothing back, is it right for us to say that we don't believe them?  I've had some pretty strange/horrible things happen to me in my life, and I wouldn't want a partner to say that they didn't believe me!  His ex-fiancee could have been a murderess; who am I to say when I know nothing about who she is? 

Like you, I've found a lot of inconsistencies in his story with some clear-headed reflection.  But I think this is one of the hardest parts of the BPD behavior to really escape, unless you want to be a cold, judgmental person when someone appears to be opening their heart to you.

[gundam94]

I'm honestly not sure. I believed everything my ex told me. I was completely open and honest with her and I assumed she was with me. It wasn't until the relationship ended that I found out that she had been lying to me for months before it ended. Because of that I am now going over everything she has ever told me with new eyes and somethings don't add up.

That's the trap, isn't it?  When we're empathetic people and partly blinded by love, even when we hear something fishy, we give the person the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, when this person comes to us and trusts us enough to confide in us about all of the abuse they experienced, and hold nothing back, is it right for us to say that we don't believe them?  I've had some pretty strange/horrible things happen to me in my life, and I wouldn't want a partner to say that they didn't believe me!  His ex-fiancee could have been a murderess; who am I to say when I know nothing about who she is? 

Like you, I've found a lot of inconsistencies in his story with some clear-headed reflection.  But I think this is one of the hardest parts of the BPD behavior to really escape, unless you want to be a cold, judgmental person when someone appears to be opening their heart to you.

Exactly. I felt incredibly special that she trusted me enough to confide in me. She told me that no one else believed her. And you're right we are so willing to be that rock of support to the people we care about we simply don't see (be it consciously or not) the inconsistencies in their stories. Even if things seem almost "cartoonish".

I'm having an incredibly difficult time trying to separate the BS from the truth. It's pretty much impossible. I think I'm just going to assume every single thing she told me is a lie.

[Lexisdad]

1.deceased father was an attorney/ he was a window washer

2.sold her townhouse so her exbf could add a 2 nd floor addition onto his bar/ restaurant and he owed her 320k for this/ never owned a piece of real estate in her life

3.her exbf took her and her son to paris for vacation/ son asks wheres paris and suddenly when i ask their passports are lost

4.her exbf took her skydiving/ she did a tandem jump with an instructor/ no picture?

5.was a dj at a radio station/ no you were an intern out of college

6.i have cervical cancer/ no you have hpv

More stories than Walt Disney and i still stuck it out for 6 years!

[blissful_camper]

Did you all tell lies to your ex because of walking on eggshells? I did.   

The situation made me *compulsively* truthful -- as in OCD compulsions.  I realized that any new revelation about my past, or any misunderstanding, would blow the whole thing up.  So I kept talking about everything I had done, my ex and everything we did, all of my previous relationship experiences and my opinions in a horrible, frightening degree of detail that would have otherwise been very inappropriate.  I was always afraid that if I left out anything, it would be the one thing that would make him angry later.  It left me with the sense that I wasn't allowed to have any past or any secrets.

Oh my, I can see how the situation could cause one to be compulsively truthful.  Interesting. I went in the other direction from being open and communicative to 'quiet.' I felt inhibited by the end of the r/s (I was avoiding verbal abuse) and it took awhile for me to open up to others again. I was honest too with my ex. But not the normal expressive me.

[HarleypsychRN]

Man the lies were hip deep. The final lie was that she had NOT had any contact with her ex (who was suuuuuch a bad person). Turns out she was disparaging me to him, the same way she had disparaged him to me. Many were lies of omission, deceitfullness, half-truths, sketcy history.

[circularref]

Many lies of omission, half truths, etc. Most of them to protect herself, so it would look like she never did anything bad or wrong. When she couldn't get out of something with lying, she'd resort to insult me.

But, what I thought was the strangest were little lies. Lies that are completely unnecessary. An example: she recently moved in the country and I proposed to her to go have drinks with friends in a neighboring city. I asked her if she already visited that city and she said no. On the day we were having drinks she admitted to me that she actually already visited the city a couple of months before and lied to me.