How do I get past this guilt?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know she doesn't deserve the loyalty and love I gave her, she has abused me relentlessly for many years with silent treatments, gas lighting, projection, cheating, abuse, on and on. I know now it's my fault from childhood for enduring it as long as I did.

My undiagnosed, but self admitting pwbp meant the world to me. I will always love that fantastically portrayed fake person she wanted me to think she was. I would have fought to the end to help her and keep us together, but recently I finally hit a mark where I could never get to before. I blocked her on every single way she is able to contact me. I live far away so she can't pop in to surprise me. I'm finally ready to REALLY move on. I want to move on. I wish her health and happiness.

When I tried to maintain a friendship with her, I gave her all the warnings that I would run if I saw any of the former covert signs. They all showed up, of course. In fact, they escalated.

The experts say 'you don't have to announce your NC.' So I left. I blocked her.

I feel more at peace. I am moving forward. I think I'm in the creative action stage. BUT I also have guilt. Is that the fog? I know if my phone was unblocked she's definitely reached out . (not much, I'm sure.) She's high functioning and passive aggressive, so once or twice. Just trying to live at peace with the fact I made no announcement I was finished. Appreciate any insight. She's taken enough of my life.

[Cazz787]

I know she doesn't deserve the loyalty and love I gave her, she has abused me relentlessly for many years with silent treatments, gas lighting, projection, cheating, abuse, on and on. I know now it's my fault from childhood for enduring it as long as I did.

My undiagnosed, but self admitting pwbp meant the world to me. I will always love that fantastically portrayed fake person she wanted me to think she was. I would have fought to the end to help her and keep us together, but recently I finally hit a mark where I could never get to before. I blocked her on every single way she is able to contact me. I live far away so she can't pop in to surprise me. I'm finally ready to REALLY move on. I want to move on. I wish her health and happiness.

When I tried to maintain a friendship with her, I gave her all the warnings that I would run if I saw any of the former covert signs. They all showed up, of course. In fact, they escalated.

The experts say 'you don't have to announce your NC.' So I left. I blocked her.

I feel more at peace. I am moving forward. I think I'm in the creative action stage. BUT I also have guilt. Is that the fog? I know if my phone was unblocked she's definitely reached out . (not much, I'm sure.) She's high functioning and passive aggressive, so once or twice. Just trying to live at peace with the fact I made no announcement I was finished. Appreciate any insight. She's taken enough of my life.

[Lonely_Astro]

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  Making the leap to NC can be a shock, especially if we are trauma bonded, have codependency issues, or low self esteem.  I'm not saying any of those things are you... .detaching and leaving is difficult.  I've been there before (and still am!). I'm about a month NC with my ex (who I work with... .as well as my replacement, and she is dBPD).

You're still experiencing FOG.  It just doesn't lift, it takes time.  Don't worry about how she's taking NC.  NC isn't a punishment for them, it's a healing tool for you.  It gives you time/space to heal without their influence clouding your judgement or your own issues preventing you from healing by being around them.

Congrats on the first step on the path of healing!  You're doing fine... .it's a brave new world!  Welcome!

[Cazz787]

Thank you SO much Lonely Astro. I just smiled. I needed that affirmation that I am not becoming as disordered as she is. (I hate that she is, just stating a fact... )

I think you nailed it with the co dependency though. I have been in the past. But every word you wrote makes sense. Thank you so much. I needed to read that. I AM SORRY YOU work with yours. That would be too difficult for me I think. You deserve a medal.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  Making the leap to NC can be a shock, especially if we are trauma bonded, have codependency issues, or low self esteem.  I'm not saying any of those things are you... .detaching and leaving is difficult.  I've been there before (and still am!). I'm about a month NC with my ex (who I work with... .as well as my replacement, and she is dBPD).

You're still experiencing FOG.  It just doesn't lift, it takes time.  :)on't worry about how she's taking NC.  NC isn't a punishment for them, it's a healing tool for you.  It gives you time/space to heal without their influence clouding your judgement or your own issues preventing you from healing by being around them.

Congrats on the first step on the path of healing!  You're doing fine... .it's a brave new world!  Welcome!