damned if you do damned if you don't

[JerryRG]

Seems like my thoughts go from the crazy way things were and how impossible our r/s was then thinking how bad I miss her and the few good times. Maybe this is why it takes me so long to move on? Why on earth would anyone want to stay with someone who treated them so badly? So confusing so crazy.

We have a child together and when she found out she was pregnant she went into defence mode, basically turning me into the enemy. This child would save her life, she had a reason to go on and live. For the first six months I wasn't allowed to be with my son because of her constant treats and put downs. Telling me I would never be alone with him until he was 4. She would find a good dad for him.

I just walked away and then people started telling me how much my son needed me. How she would destroy him. So I filed for my rights to be with my son.  The judge gave me my full rights with no questions asked. She hated this, because she lost control.

I took my son according to the guidelines and eventually his mother and I started a relationship but looking back I was working and taking care of our son the majority of the time while she slept in late and layer around the house all day.

And now? The baby who gave her life is nothing to her. She sees him briefly maybe once a week or two weeks. I do not understand this change in her. People tell me to stop trying to understand mental illness. I grew up with a mean drunk of a father and a drug addict mother so I learned if I were to survive I better figure things out.

I'm learning to love myself, take care of myself and to use the word NO without guilt. Life gets better and my son and I are worth it. I do hope everyone here gets that freedom and hope and love you all deserve as well. God bless you all.

[WoundedBibi]

Having a child together means you will always be conncted, whether someone has BPD or not. Detaching from her will be more difficult because of it.

Moving on from an ex with BPD is difficult anyway. Because of your childhood you're sensitive and vulnerable and BPDs sense that. We NONs are like them, some with a little BPD traits, but without the full blown 'craziness'. Sensitive and vulnerable children feel alone and keep feeling that way for a long time if not ever. So there you are, vulnerable with this big longing inside for a true connection to end the loneliness and a massive hole inside that should have been filled by loving stable parents and along comes this pwBPD. They have a longing and a hole too. You recognise this in eachother, "look... .you... .you're like me... ." and the dance begins.

How can you let go of someone that in essence is so like yourself? That is hard...

Not to mention the abuse that soon pops up in the relationship which you already know from childhood. That's like coming home.

We all want to belong and we all relive past *bleep*. That's why letting go and moving on is *so* hard. It's like you're little again and lonely and all of a sudden you have found your twin. You're no longer alone, what a wonderful feeling! And the other one is like you too! Even better! Two wounded toddlers playing together. The other one just turns out to be your evil twin. Playing together becomes them hurting you. And laughing about it. You know, in your head, you cannot stay with a pwBPD if you want to remain or regain being sane. You remember the *bleep* they put you through. But your heart, the hole inside, feels like it needs to separate itself from it's twin. Your good but hurt toddler needs to let go of it's evil hurt twin. And boy does that hurt... .Imagine ripping a set of twins apart, clinging to eachother, screaming and kicking, and the person doing it is your adult mind that knows it needs to be done. That's how I picture it, letting go of my ex. So I can understand why it hurts so very very much and why after almost a year I still haven't been able to move on.

I use the word toddler because for me that represents innocence, but if need be you can paint yourself a picture of another age.

[JerryRG]

Oh my gosh WoundedBibi you explained something I would never understand on my own, thank you so much for your reply. I am a twin and my sister and I were inseparable as children. Even spoke our language. My mother did eventually separate us when we were around 7 or 8. We were never the same after that.

It was funny how you discribe the relationship  with my ex. When I held her it was like I had everything I ever needed. Nothing else mattered. The strangest thing. We were complete. One thing I noticed that really was strange is her breath, most people exhale carbon manoxide ? Dioxide? Never remember which. Anyway holding her and kissing her I would breath her breath but instead of wanting fresh air her breath actually feed me oxygen. I cannot explain this phinomina.

She was all I ever wanted in this world. Making love was magic too. Spent hours each and every time we made love. Multiple times daily with her screaming in delight. I loved to please her and watch her smile knowing she knew how deeply I loved and respected her.

All I could think about was her happiness and what I could do to make her feel loved. Eventually I realized she wasn't ever really happy like me and nothing helped her feel better.

She complained of pain constantly and we made weekly trips to doctors and emergency rooms, she became addicted to pain meds. I was so blind to her addiction believing her when she said she had this under control.

She came in my bedroom one morning so sick, I took her to the hospital and her OGBYN explained she was withdrawing from opiate addiction. She was 3 months pregnant with our son.

I held her hand and stayed by her side from Friday morning until Sunday as she threw up every 15 min.  Our OGBYN was very concerned we would lose our baby. Sunday he came in and told my ex she was being legally forced into drug treatment. As soon as he left one of my exs friends stormed in saying she had a lawyer and no one could direct my ex into treatment. Needless to say she went anyway. 3 months. She text me that Sunday afternoon and told me not to visit her because her docs believe I supplied her the pain meds. Hahaha! Sick!

What a nightmare, another thing, my ex claimed she was sexually abused by her father and others but no one knew the facts, I actually was sexually abused as a child by my mother up until I was old enough to fight her off, around 4 or 5. My ex never believd  me.

I could write a book on all the other crazy stuff over the past 4 years. Thanks again WoundedBibi. Healing has begun. She's contacted me twice since Nov 2015. She found a dope, they are engaged and yep she will try her best to kill him too

[WoundedBibi]

Yeah, the crazy ___... We all know it, felt it, lived it.

You're welcome 

But remember she might *feel* like your twin, but she isn't. You need to heal. Get therapy if you haven't already because you need to 1) heal from the *bleep* your ex has put you through 2) heal from the hole inside that made you her perfect victim and the *bleep* from your childhood that created the hole (if you don't the next one will be another BPD or NPD one, I can tell you from experience) and 3) protect your son from her influence (he already has the genes no need to feed those) and any unresolved issues you might pass on without wanting to or realising. My mum & dad didn't want to pass on their issues, and didn't realise they did, but they did even if they did the best they could. Please do all you can to become as healthy as possible so you're the stable father your son needs so he never becomes either a victim to a pwBPD or a guy with BPD. Not to mention it will make you far happier too 

[JerryRG]

Thanks again, I'm in counceling but she dismisses the pain I'm going through and I'm in Alanon for being with people with addictions and Alcoholics Anonymous for my addiction problems as well. I have very understanding Pastor as well, he has helped in so many ways. This site is of such great value and thank God for it and and for all of you who suffered this horror. Don't give up and keep walking out of the hell. There is light, seek it and you will find it.

[troisette]

Thanks WoundedBibi:

"But your heart, the hole inside, feels like it needs to separate itself from it's twin. Your good but hurt toddler needs to let go of it's evil hurt twin. And boy does that hurt... .Imagine ripping a set of twins apart, clinging to each other, screaming and kicking, and the person doing it is your adult mind that knows it needs to be done."

That's a good description of what it felt like. Only caveat for me, is that I don't think they are evil. BPDs are mentally ill, they have consciences and empathy, albeit circumscribed by their illness. That deserves compassion from us nons, while we keep ourselves in  a safe place.

Otherwise, it's the best description of the agony of recognising enmeshment and choosing to walk away.

[WoundedBibi]

Hi troisette, I know 'evil' isn't the right word. BPDs are sick and they do deserve empathy but as many on this site I think BPDs do make conscious choices in how they treat the NONs. They do it without fully understanding the consequences but they do know you as a NON will get hurt. I can remember one instance when my ex looked back at me over his shoulder with this devious almost hateful look before he went to do something he knew would hurt me. Why? Because I asked him an innocent question he didn't like and read a lot into which was not there from my side.

So 'evil' for lack of a better word and because of the expression 'evil twin'   

It helps me though in understanding in why detaching from my ex is so hard, picturing this adorable set of twins one a goody 2shoes playing nicely and the other trying to bash the other one on the head with a toy till it bleeds, giggling meanwhile. The twins love eachother to death and will fight hand and foot to avoid separation but one is definitely hurting the other.

I'm just still in the FOG and trying to make sense of me, my life and what happened. Maybe right now it is slightly FOGgier because a year ago I was on cloud 9 thinking I had found the love of my life (nothing like an anniversary to make you feel in the FOG again) and because I'm physically getting better and soon I will have to go back to work and face my ex's fanbase.

[troisette]

Sympathies Bibi

Yes, mine has a fan base of groupies and cadets as well. Difficult. And yup, a year ago I also thought I'd found the love of my life, and how gutted I was when I  realised it was an illusion.

I recognise that look, a subtle, hard-to-define glance when flirting with one of the groupies - getting his supply while consciously hurting me. That memory is still painful. And the analogy of a toddler is spot on, like a small child, doubly hurtful because we regarded them as our twin, our soulmate. It also explains why the entangling intimacy was so powerful.

Thanks for your posts, they have been very helpful, suddenly bringing understanding into clear focus.

Good luck when you return to work.