How do I continue to move forward (instead of in circles) ?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Over time, I have gotten better at setting boundaries, learning not to JADE and in general not making things worse.  I have learned to ask "how can I help?" Instead of taking over his problems. 

All of this seems to be pushing me forward instead of stuck in circular discussions/arguments.  I have learned a lot about myself and my role in this dysfunctional dance.  Best of all, I been able to find some peace.

Before, I felt like I was riding a roller coaster.  Climbing to dizzying heights and then plunging straight down - daily or hourly.  Thankfully, I am mostly not a passenger on that ride anymore.

Having made clear boundaries against name calling, my spouse now is giving me the silent treatment when he is upset with me.  For example, I have been zapped with a flu like virus and the doctor told me to stay off work for 48 hours.  I hate to miss work, but no way for me to work and I didn't want to expose anyone else to the virus.  After the 48 hours, I fully expected to go back although not feeling 100%.  At dinner, I said,  "Well I go back to work tomorrow."  Husband said, "you can't, you are still sick."  (Here is where I could have validated, but didn't. Instead, I explained, which is a hard habit to break, how far behind I would be if I didn't go. ) Then he said, Don't talk to me."  And then proceeded not to talk to me the rest of the night. I woke up this morning and I am still too weak to work anyway.  He acted normally like nothing had happened. 

Even though things are less chaotic, I would like to just have a meaningful conversation with my spouse.  At least, and it seems significant, I am not letting myself be sucked into circular/endless arguments.

Have any of you successfully kept moving forward personally while maintaining your rs with your pwBPD?

What does it look like? 

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[Notwendy]

I think what this looks like depends on how much of the dysfunction is there, and how much it is learned. Our SO's have been doing the behaviors that work for them for years, some even since childhood ( and we have done ours too). So when we learn a different way to behave, recall that they have not ,and so they are going to keep doing what they have been doing until they get that it doesn't work anymore. How long this takes can vary.

It has been a long time ( yay) since my H has tried the ST, or at least since it worked. But that didn't mean he didn't continue to do it while I was learning to cope with it. If he does it now, it doesn't work, and I don't respond the same way.

As to having meaningful conversation, I think for me, I have to realize that while my H did hear me, he will also keep doing what he knows to do. One thing he does is sway the conversation by making an off topic accusation. I would bite and it would be off to the races. The last time we discussed something, the conversation ended with him giving me some lecture about how I was wrong about something, but right before that, I knew he heard what I had to say. The rest was projection. I think we need to learn to listen to what they are saying, because in the moment, they are expressing how they feel, but not react, not bite and not take it personally. I hope one day my H will learn that this doesn't work well with me either, but for now, it is great to get off that circle.

Sometimes progress isn't linear and if we go in circles, it's a chance to learn. Sometimes we can see we get off the circle sooner. But I think we have to realize that we don't change 20+ years of behavior in a short time.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Notwendy,

Thanks for your input.  I understand what you mean about getting off the circle sooner.  For years and years I struggled with thoughts, the attitude that if I could just get everything right that we would be happier.  I tried everything that I thought would make our rs more stable.

Then I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and began to understand a little more of what was going on beneath the surface. I was still hoping, dreaming, wishing (sounds like a song by the Supremes  ) that HE would change.  After one particularly bad episode about 15 months ago, I left the house and stayed gone for several months.  I came back because he promised to go to AM or MC.  Went to one session of each.  That's when it kicked in that I had to be the one to make the changes.

Since then, everytime things go south, instantly I think of leaving for good.  But, I really don't want that.  So now, I think my next step should be to realize that I am staying and getting used to using what I have learned about not making things worse and knowing the storms will blow over.  Believe me, I have done my share of making things worse. 

I am really struggling with staying on the path, especially when he is crossing back and forth over it.

If you, or others, have any suggestions, please feel free.  I am trying to grow here.  Thanks mucho!

[an0ught]

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

Having made clear boundaries against name calling, my spouse now is giving me the silent treatment when he is upset with me.  For example, I have been zapped with a flu like virus and the doctor told me to stay off work for 48 hours.  I hate to miss work, but no way for me to work and I didn't want to expose anyone else to the virus.  After the 48 hours, I fully expected to go back although not feeling 100%.  At dinner, I said,  "Well I go back to work tomorrow."  Husband said, "you can't, you are still sick."  (Here is where I could have validated, but didn't. Instead, I explained, which is a hard habit to break, how far behind I would be if I didn't go. ) Then he said, Don't talk to me."  And then proceeded not to talk to me the rest of the night. I woke up this morning and I am still too weak to work anyway.  He acted normally like nothing had happened.

does this fall under silent treatment? Maybe. Maybe it also falls under your H protecting himself from invalidation doing a timeout. Clearly you were not willing to listen to his input and JADEing. Hoping for a meaningful conversation while not listening is not rationale.

You introduced boundaries and one way to look at it is is that you H is now doing the same. Mimicking you. Unlike you he has no help from the board so what he does is a bit haphazard. Maybe you getting upset and posting here is your extinction burst 

Even though things are less chaotic, I would like to just have a meaningful conversation with my spouse.  At least, and it seems significant, I am not letting myself be sucked into circular/endless arguments.

And it seems neither does he these days. Maybe you can't have a longer meaningful controversial conversation yet. Maybe it needs to happen with time-outs and breaks. Maybe you need to have short flare-ups.

He acted normally like nothing had happened.

Sounds like things calming down in reasonable short time.

The way I see our relationships evolve is that a lot of us have

- too much conflict

- learn how to reduce conflict (avoid invalidation, validation and boundaries)

- have to learn to communicate facts (SET)

- have to re-learn how to have productive conflicts (DEARMAN, assertiveness, dealing with boundaries of others in constructive manner)

A healthy conflict culture in our relationships means we acknowledge the limitations the other may have. For a lot of pwBPD it will be invalidation sensitivity. For us it often will be low tolerance for name calling etc... It takes a while to establish the new normal.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, an0ught.  Of course, I have my own issues, or I wouldn't have been doing this dance for so long.  And I do think that he is refusing to talk to me out of frustration sometimes.  You have given me some things to think about.

my mom always quoted a poem by Robert Burns,

And would some Power give us the gift

To see ourselves as others see us!

It would from many a blunder free us,

And foolish notion:

What airs in dress and gait would leave us,

And even devotion!