She's all alone

[leew2110]

My ex girlfriend who suffers from BPD  won't speak to me right now. I am receiving the silent treatment and no reply if I try to speak. It's not the first time this has happened, it's been on & off like this for nearly 10 year now.

What's worrying me this time tho is she is sitting all alone each night in her bedroom.

My friend lives opposite her and tells me for 3 weeks now the only light on in her flat is her bedroom light & she has moved her tv in there also and seems to eat in there also.

Other times she has done this she has met someone soon after she splits and the silent treatment begins or she goes out a lot. But this time she is sitting alone each night & she hates being alone I know that.

I would rather she did have someone else that be living this way, at least I would know she had someone to talk to and hold her. This is a new part of it I haven't seen before tho so can anyone on here tell me if they have done this or experienced this. I am truly worried about her... I would rather be replaced than think of her all alone.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello leew2110, I can hear how much you are worried about her, it's lovely that she has someone like you to care about her well being.

I understand your concern because she is isolating herself and this is a new type of behaviour for her, but also it is positive that you have a friend nearby who can check on things if necessary. How does this push/pull behaviour from your gf usually pan out, are you wanting to get back together with her?

My concern is you and how you are coping, ten years is a long time to be going through these emotional ups and downs. How are things day to day for you at the moment, what are you doing to look after yourself?

[C.Stein]

Hey Leew,

She may be experiencing some depression.  Based on what you said she usually does when she goes silent this could be a good or bad thing.  Good being maybe she is finally realizing something needs to change within herself.  Bad if she is having suicide ideation.  

I understand your concern and it is admirable that you care but this is a journey she must take on her own.  :)o you think she is a suicide risk and is there someone close to her that you can contact if she is?  :)oes she see anyone (therapist, psychiatrist) for her disorder?  Is she medicated?

[leew2110]

She is on anti depression tablets but I don't believe she is suicidal.

She usually eventually speaks down the line but never until she is ready to, until then I am hated and ignored no matter how many times I try to reach out.

She has blocked every avenue for me to speak to her as is her usual routine when I am split black.

Yes I would like her to come back to me, but right now my biggest concern is how she is coping.

She has no job, only has one friend who she usually spends time with when this is happening but isn't even doing that now.

As much as I don't want to lose her, and never thought I would ever say this, but I would rather she had another man then this, at least that way she wouldn't be alone and would have someone to hold.

I am coping ok kind of, I miss her badly, I am hurting and she is in my thoughts constantly but I can deal with that. I have a strong nature.

My concern is her and want to know if others have experienced this as its a new version I haven't seen before its her

[livednlearned]

Hi leew2110,

It's very challenging to love someone who is depressed, or who becomes isolated and pushes people away, whether BPD or not. We rightfully worry about them and want to make things better, or at least find out if they're ok, to assuage our own anxieties if we cannot exactly assuage theirs.

I haven't experienced the exact same scenario you describe, though the desire to help someone who is in tremendous pain, doing great harm to themselves -- that is  a common theme on these boards.

C.Stein makes a really good point about how she may in fact be working through the darkness in a way that actually leads her to seek help. Often, rescuing people from their pain gives them a crutch to limp along the least helpful path. It is a solace that you do not think she is a suicidal. Do you stay in touch with the friend?

[leew2110]

Yes, my friend is watching for anything wrong. But in 10 year I have never known her behave this way.

This is her first time living alone too and she hates being alone with her thoughts too much.

She has 8 out 9 markers for BPD diagnosis and right now I am split black so she won't even entertain a conversation with me or reply to me at all.

I have lost count how many times this has happened with the silent treatment and shut out but never before has she closed herself off this way.

[livednlearned]

9 out of 10... .does that include suicidal ideation (at any point, even if you don't suspect at the moment)?

[leew2110]

No. I haven't I included the suicidal part or self harming.

Tho she did once take scissors to her wrist screaming "do you know how much I love you"

Because that was only one instance and she has never expressed any suicidal thoughts I have not included that one tho many may disagree. I give her a pass on that marker as a Mowmt of madness.

The rest of the criteria I recognise from her actions and her own words which are constant.

After 10 year you know someone inside & out kinda thing.