How can you all be so calm?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have read so many posts and I am struck by how calm everyone seems. I'm falling apart, barely able to function, but many on here seem calm and clinical. I can't bare the hurt in my son's eyes when he tells me he misses Daddy, and I'm yet to get through a day without breaking down. I feel as though my whole world has imploded and the man I loved for 10 years has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a concrete block.

My husband has been gone 40 days now. He has, typically, blamed me for everything and seems to just about hate me... .our history seems irrelevant. He has little interest in our son, for whom he was the primary carer until he left. I keep hoping, praying, begging some ultimate being that he will 'snap out of it' and remember the good times, but he just seems more and more angry and distant.

The more I read the more confused I become. Don't contact him... .go non contact... .but then that plays into his feeling I abandoned him (although he left) Contact him and validate his feelings and let him know I'm willing to work through things whenever he's ready... .and I'm needy and clingy. I just want to stop playing games and work this out!

I'm going through the motions with my life, and I probably look as though I'm doing ok to outsiders, but I really don't know how long I can hold on to a dream, and how long I can buoy up my son.

[Mummyfixit]

I have read so many posts and I am struck by how calm everyone seems. I'm falling apart, barely able to function, but many on here seem calm and clinical. I can't bare the hurt in my son's eyes when he tells me he misses Daddy, and I'm yet to get through a day without breaking down. I feel as though my whole world has imploded and the man I loved for 10 years has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a concrete block.

My husband has been gone 40 days now. He has, typically, blamed me for everything and seems to just about hate me... .our history seems irrelevant. He has little interest in our son, for whom he was the primary carer until he left. I keep hoping, praying, begging some ultimate being that he will 'snap out of it' and remember the good times, but he just seems more and more angry and distant.

The more I read the more confused I become. Don't contact him... .go non contact... .but then that plays into his feeling I abandoned him (although he left) Contact him and validate his feelings and let him know I'm willing to work through things whenever he's ready... .and I'm needy and clingy. I just want to stop playing games and work this out!

I'm going through the motions with my life, and I probably look as though I'm doing ok to outsiders, but I really don't know how long I can hold on to a dream, and how long I can buoy up my son.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hey mummyfixit 

im really sorry to hear how much youre hurting. i remember being non functional for a few months, with anxiety attacks lasting for many hours, daily crying jags, and i mostly felt very alone in it all. mind you, that was over a three year relationship with a girlfriend, not a ten year marriage with someone i had children with. i cant imagine the pain but i can tell you that youre not alone  .

The more I read the more confused I become. Don't contact him... .go non contact... .but then that plays into his feeling I abandoned him (although he left) Contact him and validate his feelings and let him know I'm willing to work through things whenever he's ready... .and I'm needy and clingy. I just want to stop playing games and work this out!

no contact, limited contact, these are all just tools for different people in different situations. both tools are about "space" and "space" can go a long way toward giving both parties some breathing room. has your husband asked/told you not to contact him?

I'm going through the motions with my life, and I probably look as though I'm doing ok to outsiders, but I really don't know how long I can hold on to a dream, and how long I can buoy up my son.

we all need support, and that includes you, mom  . its hard to support others when we are struggling. have you considered seeing a therapist?

[sweetheart]

40 days is a really long time I'm not surprised you feel like falling to pieces, it must be devastating for you and your son. How's he doing, what age is he?

What are the options available to you around what has happened, what do you want to do?

The suggestions and tools we offer on here are just that suggestions, and I can hear at the moment there are too many choices on offer. So move away from those and think about you, your feelings, and what you want to say and do just for now in the short-term.

There is no easy way through what is happening for you and how you are feeling. Who do you have around you that can support you, that knows what is going on?

[Mummyfixit]

Thanks for your replies.

No, he has not told me to not contact him. We have blocked each other on social media, game playing. We txt re our son and about our marriage. Initially he was open to counselling but then changed his mind because everything is my fault. Txts about practical stuff now, filing, change ownership of one of our vehicles, where's his bike helmet?

It's like we have no history. I've written to him, validating his feelings and asking him to work with me. No reply.

[Herodias]

I felt the same way for almost a year! It takes time... .Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? Mine was texting me everyday when we split and I had no idea he was off with someone else. I hate to put that in your head, but it was my experience as to why mine didn't want to work things out with me the last time. He even tried to come back to me after he got her pregnant! You just don't know what they are capable of. They usually don't want to go to counseling and that will push them away from you even more.  I feel bad for your son and I can't even begin to know what to tell you there. Do you have any family close by to help? Do you have friends with kids that he can be around? I suppose keeping him occupied and loved by you is the answer. I hope you get what you want, but I hope you try and find yourself through this... .think about what is best for you and your child. I don't think we are all calm here or at least we weren't when the sale started for us. I think some of us are just purely worn out from all of the drama we have been put through. I miss my husband just because I miss some of his good qualities and how he would make me feel good at times. I liked being married. I don;t miss all of the drama and am trying to become a calmer person. It takes coning out of the FOG as they say to actually see what we have been thru. Give yourself time and space as someone told you , so you can be clear as to what you want out of your life. Everything works out for the best... .just be patient and learn all you can. Best wishes... .

[once removed]

what led the two of you to counseling?

counseling, or the prospect of it, can cause a person with BPD a lot of fear and tension. in this case, "everything is your fault" is an easier alternative for him emotionally. it may be (it sounds like) you have been painted black, which is a deeply ingrained defense mechanism, and in many ways, a rewriting or erasing of history, which is utterly mind boggling and painful for the person on the receiving end. this does not mean that it is permanent, there are no guarantees.

It's like we have no history. I've written to him, validating his feelings and asking him to work with me. No reply.

can you elaborate? when you say written to him, do you mean about the relationship? what feelings did you validate and how?

[Mummyfixit]

I'm trying to condense and probably haven't explained well. He withdrew over a period of 2 weeks and when I finally asked what was up he said he was leaving. I was blindsided, begged, cried, felt like I was dying, but he said he felt empty. He still has not explained anything to the kids( our son is 7 and my son, his stepson, is 16) but he communicates with the older son via messenger, talks about soccer, sport... and meets him for dinner fort nightly.

I went to counselling the day after he left. It was our wedding anniversary the following weekend and went on retreat with meditation, therapy, massage. My husband accuses me of being cold and controlling... .he calls me the Narc now. Lots of my counselling involved me learning about myself. But after several weeks although he was still blaming me for killing the relationship we had a messenger conversation where he almost seemed like himself. I suggested we attend counselling, he agreed. But rather than counselling together we seem to be in individual counselling! I don't know how to approach that.

I wrote, old fashioned pen on paper(!) letter to him. I acknowledged that I put my job ahead of the family... .I didn't even use but... .I told him he was my rock and I couldn't have progressed in my career without him, I thanked him for being a great dad and I told him I hoped he would consider coming home to put our family back together and help me be a better wife.

He has not responded to the letter. I have received a text about parent teacher interviews but no aknowledgment of my letter.

[once removed]

mummyfixit, in terms of action, i think you have made the best of a very difficult situation. ill elaborate.

it sounds like hes in a very dark place, experiencing feelings of emptiness, possibly dissociating (im not an expert on dissociating). hes also lashing out at you. both of you have stopped the conflict, and each taken the step of seeking counseling. in this situation, im not sure you could have a better formula. many of these things are issues that couples counseling, right now, might only have escalated. you can address yourself, as well as your hurt in counseling, and he can do the same, without each of you triggering the other while all of this is sorted out. does that make sense?

so much of "saving" has to do with stopping the bleeding. whats the communication like with the exchanges (like parent teacher interviews)?

[Mummyfixit]

Hi Once Removed,

I started attending counselling the week he left. Via text I asked him if we could work on our marriage and he said yes and agreed to go to counselling. I thought we would be going together but we are seeing the same counselor separately. The following week he said our situation was irreversible because I didn't think there was a problem. I'm not sure what mindset he is in at the moment? However his sister, with whom I get along very well, tells me he respected the counselor and intends to continue seeing her. He has a friend who is feeding him stuff about narcissists and congratulating him to for leaving me... .I'm not sure what the pay off is for the friend? 

Our exchanges have improved, he has not blamed me for killing the relationship recently, and we are both being cooperative. He has made no mention of my letter, I wonder if he even read it? Today he dropped around to collect some paperwork and was very polite, but distant... .purely business. I smiled and tried to act calm, but he seemed to feel uncomfortable and couldn't get away quick enough.

Will this improve? Will he come back? Will he remember he use to love me?

[once removed]

He has a friend who is feeding him stuff about narcissists and congratulating him to for leaving me... .I'm not sure what the pay off is for the friend? 

hard to say beyond "triangulation". this may not make much sense, but that influence is not the worst thing in the world for your situation. he may need validation, the friend is giving it, that does not mean the dynamic is permanent; the friend may well find himself split black. the best step you can take is to stay off of the triangle and let it play out.

Our exchanges have improved, he has not blamed me for killing the relationship recently, and we are both being cooperative. He has made no mention of my letter, I wonder if he even read it? Today he dropped around to collect some paperwork and was very polite, but distant... .purely business. I smiled and tried to act calm, but he seemed to feel uncomfortable and couldn't get away quick enough.

Will this improve? Will he come back? Will he remember he use to love me?

there are no guarantees, but improvements are your best bet, and that does sound like a positive exchange, made more positive by him no longer blaming you, and you not being in the position of either defending yourself, or validating his actions for that matter (by that i mean, in some cases, if you were to say for example "everything is all my fault" he might say "i agree, everything is all your fault" and feel justified.) youve minimized the drama, stopped the bleeding, and youre at least in a business sense, getting along. this is the ideal environment.

how are you and your son doing today?

[Mummyfixit]

Thanks Onceremoved. Boys and I are doing well. I'm not looking forward to Easter, but I have lots of good friends with kids so I'll be distracted.

Although our interactions have improved I'm worried that he is gone for good. I'm not sure how I will cope with that. I guess time will tell.