Does your pwBPD sap your energy and what do you do about it?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Being around my husband, even when he's on more or less an even keel, can be exhausting and unmotivating. I can easily end up mirroring his depressed mood and feel apathetic.

He wasn't like that when we got together, ah the familiar refrain of the non after a few years into the BPDH relationship. I actually felt enthusiastic in his presence.

Now, however, I frequently need to be away from him to recharge my batteries. Being around friends and my animals helps a lot. Plus physical activity and completing projects. Our beloved handyman died a few months ago, so I've taken over all handyman duties and that has been challenging and fun.

What are your strategies to re energize yourself?

[Cat Familiar]

Being around my husband, even when he's on more or less an even keel, can be exhausting and unmotivating. I can easily end up mirroring his depressed mood and feel apathetic.

He wasn't like that when we got together, ah the familiar refrain of the non after a few years into the BPDH relationship. I actually felt enthusiastic in his presence.

Now, however, I frequently need to be away from him to recharge my batteries. Being around friends and my animals helps a lot. Plus physical activity and completing projects. Our beloved handyman died a few months ago, so I've taken over all handyman duties and that has been challenging and fun.

What are your strategies to re energize yourself?

[Grey Kitty]

Spending time away to re-energize yourself is an obvious / clear solution for you, and seems to be working.

That said... .can you speak more to your feelings when you are around him, and how it is bringing you down?

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks for asking, Grey Kitty. I feel like the fog is lifting and I realize that I have been chronically depressed and unmotivated. That may also have something to do with the end of winter, but I've noticed that I seem to have less tolerance for his gloomy attitude.

I guess I see his lot in life as so fortunate and that he is such a pessimist and thinks of himself as a victim constantly--I'm just kind of fed up with how ungrateful he is.

I was seeing some improvement when he was doing counseling for a few months and then he quit, saying that both he and his therapist felt it was a good stopping point.    Probably he was starting to work on some deeper issues, IDK.

Considering what I went through in my previous marriage and some of the stories I read here, I really don't have much to complain about. It's just a bit depressing to be around someone who looks for the worst in every situation.

[gotbushels]

If you're around him and want to have a different energy from him I think it needs to be conscious. My ex Upw was a pessimist and it was a real battle getting things done. I found what worked is that you have to be (1) aware of the difference in your energies  and (2) set your mind clearly on what you are going to do, with or without the person.

Because pwBPDs are unpredictable, #2 becomes important if you have a pwBPD.

Basically, drive yourself.

If you're on your own, do all the normal things one would do to keep one going. If you wonder why you're drained being around him, don't worry you're not alone. My ex was an energy leech. Made it her pastime.

Considering what I went through in my previous marriage and some of the stories I read here, I really don't have much to complain about. It's just a bit depressing to be around someone who looks for the worst in every situation.

Yes.

Hope things look up!:)

[Grey Kitty]

Considering what I went through in my previous marriage and some of the stories I read here, I really don't have much to complain about. It's just a bit depressing to be around someone who looks for the worst in every situation.

This is attributed to the Buddha, and I love the quote enough to not care about the source either way:

In comparison lies madness.

You have real feelings about being with your H, and how he is behaving and treating you.

If you compare YOUR situation to somebody else's and convince yourself that you "don't have much to complain about" you are invalidating yourself... .and driving yourself nuts. Gently stop yourself from doing that to yourself if you can.  

Start by accepting that these feelings of yours are real, are valid... .and consider whether they would guide you toward somewhat different actions in the future or not.

[Notwendy]

Cat, I agree with GK that even if things aren't "big" that we still can focus on making things better with out own situation. I do think gratitude is a good practice.


I think people can have different energies. I enjoy being with other people, but then I need some alone time to recharge. Sometimes I do feel as if I am with someone who is taking energy.

One thing that I think I do is feel a bit on "alert" in the presence of someone moody.

My H tends to take a negative view of things. Now that the kids are teens, they have their own interests, and parents are not the main ones. So, my take on the kids is that "they are typical teens". My H will say " they aren't interested in me, they are ignoring me".

I recall seeing an old friend for the first time in decades. A guy I grew up with. There was never anything romantic between us, and I am also friends with his wife. Naturally, I was really excited to see them. I really wish my H could have shared my happiness at seeing an old friend, but that became " you aren't that excited to see me" and he got angry at me.

There are times when, if I am really happy or excited about something, I feel I have to tone it down in his presence because, instead of him being able to be happy for me, it gets turned into a negative. That actually makes me sad. I find that if I am excited about something, he will bring up the negatives, be it a vacation, something I want to do. I get that we should not be impulsive and I do think of pros and cons to things, but it also has made me hesitant to bring up new ideas.

I also find that I have to accept that he has a different view than I do. In a way, he balances me. But I have to use self care, and take me time to recharge when I am with people.

[Cat Familiar]

If you're around him and want to have a different energy from him I think it needs to be conscious. My ex Upw was a pessimist and it was a real battle getting things done. I found what worked is that you have to be (1) aware of the difference in your energies  and (2) set your mind clearly on what you are going to do, with or without the person.

Because pwBPDs are unpredictable, #2 becomes important if you have a pwBPD.

Basically, drive yourself.

If you're on your own, do all the normal things one would do to keep one going. If you wonder why you're drained being around him, don't worry you're not alone. My ex was an energy leech. Made it her pastime.

Gotbushels, yes. It falls into that big "acceptance" category. I can't change him and I know he's one of those "rain on the parade" types. He doesn't consciously try to discourage me, so it's not as obvious, but he is a "glass half empty" guy.

I used to do home projects with a wonderful friend/handyman, who unexpectedly died a few months ago. There's no way I could ever get hubby to do work around here. I'm grateful that he pays for stuff, but he's definitely not a blue collar guy. So lately I've been tackling all my projects solo. I've been quite handy myself, but now I'm taking on projects that are more intimidating, and that's been rewarding. The irony is that the more I'm capable of, the more distance it creates between me and my husband.

In comparison lies madness.

You have real feelings about being with your H, and how he is behaving and treating you.

If you compare YOUR situation to somebody else's and convince yourself that you "don't have much to complain about" you are invalidating yourself... .and driving yourself nuts. Gently stop yourself from doing that to yourself if you can. 

Start by accepting that these feelings of yours are real, are valid... .and consider whether they would guide you toward somewhat different actions in the future or not.

Yes, I remember from grad school the idea of if you have to compare something, compare self to self. Doing that, I see real progress, even comparing Cat2015 to Cat2016. And thank you, Grey Kitty, for reminding me that my feelings are valid, even if my complaints are minor. After all, a constant drip of water eventually wears away the stone.

I do think gratitude is a good practice... .I enjoy being with other people, but then I need some alone time to recharge. Sometimes I do feel as if I am with someone who is taking energy... .One thing that I think I do is feel a bit on "alert" in the presence of someone moody.

My H will say " they aren't interested in me, they are ignoring me"... ."you aren't that excited to see me" and he got angry at me.

Notwendy, you've touched on two very important themes: gratitude and not taking things personally. I feel so grateful for the life I lead but I get irritated because my husband, as blessed as he is by circumstances, seems so profoundly ungrateful. (I know--not my business... .)

And "they aren't interested in me" is something I hear about our cats or the horses. He's always filtering individuals, whether four-legged or people, by how much they like or are interested in him.