My resentments

[unicorn2014]

Yesterday while sitting in an Al-Anon meeting I drafted a post about my resentments but then as I was going to revise it I realized it was an unfinished 4th step, so that post is not ready yet.

Meanwhile I've been thinking about what Skip said about my partner setting lack of transparency as a normal and wanted to respond to that.

Here is the original post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291903.msg12745924#msg12745924

His side: He has destroyed any trust that you had, but more importantly,  he is not doing the conventional things to rebuild it. Instead, he is winning the battle of wills on setting lack of transparency as a normal and is getting you to more and more accept it/live with it. Your relationship is on a "need to know" basis.  You will be able to buy into this for while, but ultimately you will come to realize that betrayal is a norm in the relationship. The next serious "suspected" breach of trust will have you second guessing everything. Every trust breach is like cancer unless resolved. It grows and grows under the surface.

I actually am not ok with this. He claims by doing this he is protecting me but I am finding it more and more annoying. Case in point. Friday he tells me he missed a call from his parents, I encourage him to call them back, then he tells me about the call after including that his mother is happy he met me because I helped him realize he had a problem and that she was getting tired of his wife. Earlier this week he said he might have some good news for me so I reminded him of this and he said it wasn't the end of the day yet. After we ended the conversation I got these texts

Dear i am sry if I said something wrong... .I was trying to let you know about what my mother was calling about (and include you).


ok I am going to drop it and if I said something wrong I apologize.

I love you

Yesterday I encouraged him to see his parents because he had told me his mother had called him to tell him about his brother's new medicine and how it made him more lucid (his brother has schizophrenia). I suggested his mother might enjoy him coming  over to see his brother (his parents take care of his brother).

This was his reply

-

I appreciate the suggestion about seeing my parents tomorrow, however seeing them on Easter is to problematic for me at this point... .

and after talking to you about what my mom and I talked about think I am just going stay put.

In fact It would be best if I stayed clear until I have resolved my other problem

Then later on in the day we were playing phone tag and I got these text messages:

I called you 1 min after you called me... .ok dear have a good one

It is ok Sugar Boo we do not have to talk... .I love you

It really is ok

I am getting the impression you are not happy with me so there is no pressure to engage

I love you and we can talk some other time... .

Then at 4:26pm I get this message

Tomorrow morning could be the day when I wake up from this coma I am in... .And it all will be just a nightmare I was having... .

which I still haven't responded to and which he repeated to me in an email which I still haven't responded to which I'm going to start another topic on. Also he is being really absurd today on his calendar and in my experience absurdity always precedes a dysregulation so I'm staying clear of him for now.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291903.msg12745924#msg12745924

He is firmly entrenched in providing you selective information and not yield. You have erected a punishment system to try and force him to be more transparent. Battle. Battle.

So he is right I am not happy with him. He tells me he may have some good news for me at the end of the week and nothing. I've learned not to ask him about his divorce but when he tells me his mother is "so happy he met me" because I helped "realize he had a problem" it doesn't exactly thrill me. I was advised not to ask about his divorce, or talk to his attorney or poke around in that stuff so I don't.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291903.msg12745924#msg12745924

The conventional solution is to get a therapist engaged to help see it the two of you can get your values aligned. I suspect he doesn't want a third party to start digging into this because he won't be able to "BS" him like he has you. I'm not sure why you don't want to do it - I wonder if you know, deep down, the therapists is going to say that you rtwo are not good for each other, and you aren't ready to let go of the "dream".

It's cold war.

When I was seeing a therapist on a long term basis I brought him with me to my sessions when he visited. He is now working with that therapist long distance when he needs some help with step parenting. That therapist thought in some ways that we were good for each other however he was not happy about the fact that my partner kept changing the timeline on me. Now that my therapist is my partner's therapist I can't report to him what's going on but that therapist said he would work with us as a couple when my partner relocated. I don't know if my therapist would be willing to do a telephone session with both of us however I certainly could not afford to pay for it, I can't even afford individual therapy for myself at this point.

Its not my dream that I'm not ready to let go of, its his dream that he's not ready to let go of. He has sent me several messages and emails alluding to the nightmare he is in which I am going to focus on in a separate post. I'm also going to work on my inventory of my resentments which I will post to the PI board when I am done.

I find the lack of transparency unacceptable and not something I want to live with.

[patientandclear]

What do you understand the "nightmare" to refer to?

[unicorn2014]

What do you understand the "nightmare" to refer to?

Hi patient and clear, he's referring to his situation: the difficult divorce, unable to move, whatever other legal or financial troubles he's dealing with.

[formflier]

I find the lack of transparency unacceptable and not something I want to live with.

And he, from everything I have read here, finds transparency unacceptable. 

Think about that for a minute.

What it appears to me, is that both partners have clearly identified a "hill they will die on", but have chosen to fight on that hill with "non-lethal weapons", or weapons that will slowly kill the relationship.  A very unhealthy thing

So, if you have both reached an impasse that is a "dealbreaker", what is the emotionally healthy thing to do?

Hint, my answer has to do with choices.

FF

[unicorn2014]

I find the lack of transparency unacceptable and not something I want to live with.

And he, from everything I have read here, finds transparency unacceptable. 

Think about that for a minute.

What it appears to me, is that both partners have clearly identified a "hill they will die on", but have chosen to fight on that hill with "non-lethal weapons"... or weapons that will slowly kill the relationship.  A very unhealthy thing

So, if you have both reached an impasse that is a "dealbreaker", what is the emotionally healthy thing to do?

Hint... .my answer has to do with choices.

FF

Hi form flier, there is another path. I have been told to keep my nose out of his business when it comes to his divorce. So another way to approach this is to list what are the things I have a right to ask him to be transparent on, and what are the things that don't concern me. What do you think?

[formflier]

  What do you think?

 

Unicorn,

I'm glad you are here today asking questions, I get the sense from you post that there is a genuine, honest search for an answer.  Very good thing, and sometimes an uncomfortable one.    But one that must happen for all of us.

I think that list is a bad idea  It's minutiae.  Likelihood is that sending him the list will result in a debate about the list being too long or too short, or that the list should have been emailed but it was described verbally on Facetime too close to bedtime, therefore, the list is invalid and the door slams on transparency (or some such thing).

Step back a bit.

1.  Your partner is NOT a transparent person.

2.  You are a person that is clearly more comfortable in a r/s with transparency. 

And, I'll give you a big hint, I'm on your side.  I favor transparency if it is bundled with respect for choices.  In other words, both people have to be very mature.  Mature enough to see the truth (fictional example coming) of a partner engaging in activity that is against our values (but not a dealbreaker) and having the maturity to use boundaries on ourselves to say "It's not our decision, " 

To be more specific.  You are right, !  For you    Nothing wrong with transparency.

Take deep breath here, hang in there.

Your partner is also right, for him.

Again deep breath.

I don't think giving your partner a list is in anyway the answer to your problem.

I think giving him a choice is the answer, especially when coupling that with the clear statement (non-judgmental) that you are making a choice as well and you respect, love and honor him and his choices and that you respect love and honor your choices.

And that you hope he feels the same way about those choices.

Give him time, few days, then listen to his answers.  DO NOT listen to him talk about your choices, NO NO NO, you listen to him talk about his choices, he listens to you talk about yours.

Once those are clarified, YOU have to be ready to act based on the choices you have both made.  Honor the choices.

Yes, last part was a bit cryptic.  I hope you will let us help you fill in the blanks on the choices you are making and the choices you will present to him. 

What do you think about this?

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi FF, I appreciate your response and I apologize for my poor written  communication skills.

I was talking about a list for myself as to what I have a reasonable right to expect transparency on not a list for him. The reason I'm on this board is not because I'm deciding but because I'm conflicted about being committed to a man with traits of  a personality disorder. As an adult child of disordered parents its not a decision that is looked upon favorably by other adult children of disordered parents in recovery.

Other members have said that his marriage and divorce are his business not mine. So my question is do I have a right to expect transparency on that.

I think I mentioned the conversation he and I had on Friday about his mother's phone call to him. His mother had called him to tell him about his brother's new medication and also told him she was glad he met me as I helped identify he had a problem. In this case we're talking about PTSD, which we both have.

Earlier last week he told me he might have some good news for me by the end of the week and when he told me his mother told him she was glad he met me I asked him where the good news was. He said it wasn't the end of the day yet, and failed to deliver the good news by the end of the day.

The next morning, Saturday, when I encouraged him to go over to his parents for Easter and see his brother, whom his mother was proud of because he could now carry on a conversation again, he said he wasn't going to based on how I responded to him Friday! That put him in a very dark place, apparently.

His attitude is he is trying to protect me.

I am really struggling here to be very clear about what his business and what is my business.

Some members have strongly stated that his marriage/divorce is none of my business.

I don't necessarily have a problem committing to a man who is physically separated from his wife and working on trying to get a divorce, I don't necessarily think there is anything inherently immoral about that.

One of the things he said to me on Friday is that his mother said she was sick of his wife.

It was made clear to me that in his state both parties have to file a financial affidavit in order to file for divorce. He told me right when he was about to file his affidavit he discovered a large sum of money that would affect the settlement. I do believe that's true.

So before I get sidetracked here, do you understand my question? I'm asking the board what I have a right to expect transparency on, not so I can go to him with a list, but so that I can let go of things i don't have a right to expect transparency on.


Does this make sense?

Like maybe some of the things I expect transparency on aren't things I have a right to know about anyways, so I can let go of them.

This might tap into what you want me to asking about, is my relationship healthy.

What are  things to expect transparency on in a healthy relationship?

-----

Also I'm willing to consider that is a question I shouldn't be asking, that if I'm asking that there's a problem.

[formflier]

You have no "rights" to have him be transparent about anything.

It is up to him to decide what to be transparent about.  He has decided that it will be very little and that much of what he is transparent about does not match up with reality or "checking out" his story.

He has made it clear they type of r/s he is offering. 

shifting thoughts:

I think making a list for yourself is a bad idea.  Please don't take this as criticism, but as something to be aware of in your decision making process.  You seem to easily focus on small things while ignoring big things.  That is the basis of my minutiae comments.

Ask yourself if you are ok being in a r/s with a non-transparent person. 

If the answer is no, there is no reason to make lists.

If the answer is yes, there is also no reason to make lists.

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF a caveat he says he's making an effort to not be murky with me and has been from the start.

I do know a lot about him except for what is holding up his divorce process.

So the question is can I live with not knowing what is holding up his divorce process.

I still have to finish my inventory of my resentments which I will post about on the inventory board if appropriate when I am done.

[patientandclear]

I agree completely with what FF is saying here. In addition, though, I'm wondering about the comment you've made a bunch of times, about how his marriage and divorce is not your business. I'm thinking maybe that has been applied too literally or rigidly, so now you feel you are not supposed to take action based on his marital status.

I believe when Grey Kitty (?) initially wrote that his divorce is not your business, he added that whether you want to be involved with someone who is married IS your business. You seem to be defining a boundary now that is a little softer than just "is married." You seem to be saying that IF he was making progress on divorcing, and were/is separated, you'd be OK with committing to him.

If your boundary is not "married" but "married and not making progress toward divorce," then, information about his status re the divorce seems highly relevant and in fact necessary for you to orient yourself with respect to your own boundaries.

For me, the need to rely on him to provide that baseline info would be a good reason to define a different boundary, one not so contingent on getting good info from him.

That said, if this is your boundary (making confirmed progress on divorcing), I don't see how you can take the stance you have been, of trying to ignore the divorce question entirely and just carry on.

[unicorn2014]

Hi patient and clear, what I am trying to do is accept the fact he is separated, that something is holding up the divorce process. I know his divorce attorneys name and number. I could call her if I wanted to but I'm following the advice not to.  I'm trying to get to a point where I can commit to a relationship with a separated man so I can move over to the staying board. He is my daughter's informal stepfather so it would be good if I could committ to improving the relationship .

[formflier]

 he says 

Anytime you find yourself writing this or saying this, you are better off focusing on what he has actually done.


Past is best predictor of the future. 

There are many things you post about where he promises and then, poof, he says something else, that promise goes away.

Back to the original idea, there is no nuance to this, no "trying".  You know, based on length of the r/s how he performs on divorce process and other promises. 

You know this  I get it you are hoping for a change, he is saying he is trying to change. 

Back to my original questions, are you ok with lack of transparency?   Please directly answer this question

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF since I do not have a right to expect transparency then I am ok with a lack of transparency around his divorce process. I'm trying to get to a point where I can committ to improving the relationship and that means that I need to accept the fact that he is physically separated, not legally divorced. It is not advised to stay undecided for a long time. Since I am not ready to leave I am trying to commit under the current circumstances so I can work on improving the relationship.

Does this make sense?

[formflier]

FF since I do not have a right to expect transparency then I am ok with a lack of transparency around his divorce process. 

Does this make sense?

You are modifying the question,

You are with a person that is not transparent.  Divorce process just happens to be something you care deeply about, so that is where it seems to show up for you.  Divorce process is a symptom of a non-transparent person, if you fix divorce process you still have a non-transparent person.

Are you ok with being in a r/s with a non-transparent person??

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF since I do not have a right to expect transparency then I am ok with a lack of transparency around his divorce process. 

Does this make sense?

You are modifying the question... .

You are with a person that is not transparent.  Divorce process just happens to be something you care deeply about, so that is where it seems to show up for you.  Divorce process is a symptom of a non-transparent person, if you fix divorce process you still have a non-transparent person.

Are you ok with being in a r/s with a non-transparent person??

FF

Hi FF, I know his apple id and password, he's willing to share his health account information with me, I know his location and calendar. The only thing I don't have access to is his divorce because the board has advised me not to pry. I even know his divorce attorney's name and number.

I am trying to make a decision to commit to improving the relationship under the current conditions: he is physically separated from his wife and is trying to divorce her.

I've written down my resentments against him and his wife, now I have to analyze what they effect, that's part of the 4th step. The next step would be to share the exact nature of my wrongs with another human being, in this case that would be the personal inventory board.

I think I shared on my other thread that part of why its hard for me to get support from my ACA group is that many of my friends in that group are adult children of borderline parents so they don't understand why I want to be in a relationship with a borderline man. In fact I lost my sponsor over this issue which I talked about on my other thread.

The reason I mention that is that ACA has its own way of doing a 4th step that differs from the AA way, and Al-Anon has a third way of doing a 4th step.

What I am trying to say is I have a lot of tools available to me to help me with my resentments. I appreciate the board putting pressure on me to deal with them. (Trying to get the topic back on track to dealing with my resentments, which I was advised to write about)

[formflier]

The only thing I don't have access to is his 

Really, ?

"the only thing",

Is that really the answer you want to give, because that is apparently the answer you are making your own decisions with. 

Again, you did not answer the question, you modified it.  Why not answer if you are ok being in a relationship with a non-transparent person?

An answer that you believe and are willing to use to make other decisions in your r/s.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi FF, today he showed me a bill from his divorce attorney, the first piece of paper I've ever seen.

I'm trying to make my relationship work.

I'm trying to make my way back over to the staying board.

I'm trying to recommit to my relationship under the present circumstances so I can work on improving it.

I'm not happy with the fact I'm in a relationship with a man going through a divorce but that's the way it is so I need to move beyond that if I want to be happy in my relationship.

I think the best thing would be for me to take a look at my resentments list, see what they affect, and write about them on the personal inventory board.

I'm sorry that I'm not answering your question in the way that you want me to. I'm trying to follow the board's advice and stay out of his divorce process.Other than that his life is like an open book to me.

[thisagain]

Hey Unicorn,

It's good to see you asking these questions and looking at this issue! I hope you can achieve some peace soon.

As one of the people who encouraged not getting involved in his divorce process, I wanted to clarify some... .there was a time when you and he were arguing on the daily over what kind of lawyer he got, whether you or he would call the bar to find a divorce lawyer, etc. THAT is what I thought was inappropriate. As part of the broader space-taking / cooling-off period that many of us recommended, I suggested not talking to him about any hot-button issues like the divorce, your daughter and ex, etc.

You getting overly involved in his divorce process is also connected with a larger boundary problem in your relationship. For example, whether he sees his parents on Easter is his side of the fence. Your bedtime is your side of the fence, and since you two don't share a bed or home, you can control your bedtime without involving him. Yall fighting should never be on your daughter's side of the fence. Do you see how multiple little things like this can add up to a high-conflict relationship?

In the context of a reduced-conflict relationship with clearly stated boundaries, there may be room to take the status of his divorce into account, like what P&C described above. I don't think that's what's happening here.

[unicorn2014]

Hi this again and thank you for replying. I'm actually reading the high conflict couple.

I have a question. What do I do the next time he tells me about his mother's phone call? His mother called him to tell him about his brother's new medication making it possible for him to talk again. His brother's schizophrenic. I thought maybe his mother would enjoy seeing him talk to his brother again.

[thisagain]

How do you think your conversations might change if, instead of thinking you always have to respond to things, your default was to not respond? And then you only respond if you have something to say that is kind, respectful, loving, and builds up the relationship? I see you writing a lot that he said X so you HAD to say Y... .It might be hard to fight the impulse to say it, you might not be in a place emotionally where you're ready to keep yourself from saying it, but you never literally HAVE to say it.

For that example, I would use validating questions. "That's interesting, what do you think about your brother being able to talk again?" ... .and then further questions or validating his feelings about it. Same thing with any of his financial business, ranting about his ex, etc.

Except because of the existing emotional baggage surrounding the divorce, I'd stay away from the questions like "what are you going to do?" and "what do you think the outcome will be?" for divorce-related issues. In that context those questions would come across as demands/accusations/generally picking a fight rather than gentle interest in his life. If he volunteers talking about the divorce, I'd stick with very gentle validating replies like "that must be frustrating" (or validation of whatever feeling he's expressing about it).

BPD or no, it's not your job to tell a grown man what to do about his family unless he's specifically asking you for advice. And even then, advice should be given with a lot of validation (SET-type format) and awareness of the boundaries between your business and his business.

I know that you two have been interacting for a long time under the assumption that he is less emotional, more cerebral, and doesn't need validation. So it might take some practice to find the underlying feelings to validate. But I and probably some other members have actually found his emotions pretty easy to read in the snippets you provide.

Another good resource is How to respond to heightened emotions - especially the part about asking how he'd like you to help. But I wouldn't do that for situations where it's clearly not your business to help in any way (e.g., his divorce). In those situations, stick with the listening and validating.

[unicorn2014]

FF since I do not have a right to expect transparency then I am ok with a lack of transparency around his divorce process. 

Does this make sense?

You are modifying the question... .

You are with a person that is not transparent.  Divorce process just happens to be something you care deeply about, so that is where it seems to show up for you.  Divorce process is a symptom of a non-transparent person, if you fix divorce process you still have a non-transparent person.

Are you ok with being in a r/s with a non-transparent person??

FF

FF I'm really struggling to accept that the whole of our physical relationship from September 2012 to June 2015 (i.e. his trips to come see me and all the things we did together) were taking place while I believed he was getting a divorce and he actually wasn't. Yesterday, March 2016, was the first time he showed me a bill for an attorney. This morning I'm really struggling with that. He told me in July 2012 that he told his wife she earned a divorce after she took his iPad and impersonated him. To me that makes me wonder if she hadn't done that what was his plan.

I believe he is being transparent today, however he wasn't transparent before.

I want to ask him why I never saw a bill from an attorney until now.

[unicorn2014]

How do you think your conversations might change if, instead of thinking you always have to respond to things, your default was to not respond? And then you only respond if you have something to say that is kind, respectful, loving, and builds up the relationship? I see you writing a lot that he said X so you HAD to say Y... .It might be hard to fight the impulse to say it, you might not be in a place emotionally where you're ready to keep yourself from saying it, but you never literally HAVE to say it.

If I don't say something he punishes me for that , like if I were to not reply to his statement that his mother was glad he met me because I helped him realize he had a problem and that she was sick of his wife. He also denies he punishes me, which makes it a double whammy as I have no way of addressing the problem directly. I know from Al-Anon that some good responses are "oh" "so" and "no" as well "hmmm" however if I used those he'd also have a problem.

For that example, I would use validating questions. "That's interesting, what do you think about your brother being able to talk again?" ... .and then further questions or validating his feelings about it. Same thing with any of his financial business, ranting about his ex, etc.

I think I probably will get better results with those questions so I saved that article to my reading list.

Except because of the existing emotional baggage surrounding the divorce, I'd stay away from the questions like "what are you going to do?" and "what do you think the outcome will be?" for divorce-related issues. In that context those questions would come across as demands/accusations/generally picking a fight rather than gentle interest in his life. If he volunteers talking about the divorce, I'd stick with very gentle validating replies like "that must be frustrating" (or validation of whatever feeling he's expressing about it).

So as I mentioned to FF I'm really struggling with the fact that yesterday, March 28, 2016, was the first time he showed me any piece of paper related to his divorce, and he told me he told his wife she earned a divorce on July 3, 2012. As I told FF the whole of our physical relationship from September 2012 to June 2015 took place under the belief that he had filed. The paper he showed me yesterday wasn't even a court paper, it was a bill for his attorney. He's being transparent today, but that's after 4 years. When we first started talking in March 2012 and I asked him if he had a wife he gave a slippery answer that misled me into thinking he didn't.

BPD or no, it's not your job to tell a grown man what to do about his family unless he's specifically asking you for advice. And even then, advice should be given with a lot of validation (SET-type format) and awareness of the boundaries between your business and his business.

Again he's more looking for an emotional response that shows that I'm enthusiastic about the relationship and that I will encourage him to move forward, but as you can see from my topic and the board I'm on, that is not how I feel. I'm trying to work my way back to the staying board but this morning brought up a whole new crop of emotions about the fact that yesterday was the first time I saw a piece of paper about his divorce.

I know that you two have been interacting for a long time under the assumption that he is less emotional, more cerebral, and doesn't need validation. So it might take some practice to find the underlying feelings to validate. But I and probably some other members have actually found his emotions pretty easy to read in the snippets you provide.

Yes that is what he wants me to believe, that he is an INTJ, that he is dominated by his thinking function. He likes to tell me he thinks his emotions. Personally I think that's his pride speaking but that would be taking his inventory and a person like me is not supposed to do that. I personally find it really frustrating that's he so obtuse about his temperament.

Another good resource is How to respond to heightened emotions - especially the part about asking how he'd like you to help. But I wouldn't do that for situations where it's clearly not your business to help in any way (e.g., his divorce). In those situations, stick with the listening and validating.

Thank you I saved that to my reading list as well.  I'm really struggling with the question of why yesterday was the first day I saw a piece of paper related to his divorce. Perhaps I could tell him that without asking him why that is the case. He may not like what I have to say so if I can't say that , well, I'm tired of faking it and pretending everything is ok when its not. I don't do that anyway but right now I really don't feel like faking it and being "light, bright and polite" as I heard in a meeting.

[formflier]

I believe he is being transparent today, however he wasn't transparent before.

I want to ask him why I never saw a bill from an attorney until now.

He is not being transparent.  He is tossing out a small detail, "a peek",  

Listen, you are descending into minutiae again, giving me dates and a peek at a bill.  Back up, look at big picture.

"Selective transparency" is not transparency.  That doesn't mean he is a transparent person.  

In this very post, you talk about your physical relationship that you apparently agreed to due to lack of transparency.

One lawyer bill does not erase many years of no transparency.  Couple that with the knowledge that he was able to sleep with you because of lack of transparency.   A lawyer bill is not a repair effort.

He is the same person,

Do you want to be in a relationship with a non-transparent person?  This question has been avoided several times, that is your choice, and you, your daugther and your r/s will endure the consequences.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi FF when I said physical I didn't just mean sex.

I do believe he's making an effort now to be transparent and repair the relationship. Obviously I don't want to be in a relationship with an opaque person which is why I called off visits till I saw a legal document regarding his divorce.

[Verbena]

It's very hard to be objective about a situation when you're living it.  So imagine this... .

A friend comes to you and says that she has been involved with a married man for four years.  He lied to her/deceived her into thinking he was divorced when he really wasn't.  He even proposed to her knowing he was still married to someone else. 

Four years later, he is still married to his wife and he gets upset if your friend brings up the divorce or asks any questions about why he is still married. 

Your friend tells you that this man is very hard to get along with, even though it's a long-distance relationship and she rarely sees him.  Your friend believes her boyfriend/married fiance' has a personality disorder.  He is very difficult to get along with, even though he isn't physically even living in the same state. Yet, your friend tells you she  plans to marry him one day if/when he ever gets divorced. 

How would that sound to you?  What would you tell your friend to do if she asked you for advice? 

[unicorn2014]

Except that he never lied to me about being divorced, however it appears he lied to me about filing. We're forgetting the positive side of the story. Do you remember any of his assets?

[Verbena]

Ok, take out what I said about lying about being divorced.  Is everything else accurate? 

I really don't see a positive side of the story.  YOu are involved with a man who, after four years, still hasn't gotten a divorce (you said the other day this wasn't his fault) and who has serious mental issues.  Just getting along with him over the phone/computer is a ton of work on your part. 

Again, what would you say to a friend if she told you all this?   Would you say, "WEll, let's just talk about his good traits."  ? 

My relationship with my husband of 33 years is a crappy one.  No doubt about that.  I did not see the red flags when I was 21 years old because I was young and stupid. Getting out of my marriage now is not going to be an easy task, if that's what I decide ultimately to do.

You, however, are not 21 and not even married to this man--because he is married to someone else.  The red flags are flying everywhere around your relationship, and yet you persist in making excuses and not answering questions that are asked of you about issues you post here. 

YOu said the other day that his proposal of marriage that he made while married to someone else could not be taken back.  That makes no sense to me.  You can't propose to someone when you are married to someone else. What kind of man does that?  A very emotionally immature one, one with serious issues. 

He's not the only fish in the sea.  Surely, there are some local men out there who are mentally stable and unmarried.  I realize you aren't looking at anyone else because you are in love with this man, but you have choices now about how you move forward, choices that will be MUCH HARDER to make if you ever do marry him and one day realize you can't take this daily drama any more. 

[unicorn2014]

Hi verbena, At the risk of JADEing, I'll reply.

The positives: he's functioning as my daughter's stepfather, he emotionally supports me as the adult child of disordered parents, I find the work he does interesting and inspiring, we share many common interests such as art, music, gardening, cinema, tv, literature. I enjoy talking with him about all these things. When he came to see me we did fun things together. He still tries to give me little gifts when he can: money for coffee, money for cheese, a museum membership. He definitely cares about my well being when he's not dysregulated .

I saw a bill from a lawyer. He is working on getting a divorce now. I don't know what happened in the past but I need to let go of it.

I was single for 7 years before I met him and no local men met my criteria. He has the right profession and the right personality for me. Now that he's on the right medication he doesn't Dysregulate that often.

Can we please bring the focus of this topic back to my resentments? I'm trying to work on letting go of my resentments about the past so I can move forward. Perhaps we should table this discussion until I am ready to post about it on the PI board.

One further thing: I have answered FF question.

[formflier]

One further thing: I have answered FF question.

Where? 

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man that is not transparent.  Yes or no? 



It's one thing to avoid answering, it's another thing to claim you have answered something, when in reality the question was modified so you can answer it in a way that is more palatable.

Unicorn,

I wish you well, I really do.  No effort to be antagonistic.

The path you are on leads to further destruction in your r/s and your family.  You are making a choice to continue on that path.

Note:  None of this says end the r/s or pick another guy.  That decision is a ways off.  Before you can get to that point you need to be able to step back and look at your r/s.

I see very little in your posts that indicate any effort to look at the big picture.

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF at this point I think it would be a good idea for me to take a step back from this topic and pick it up again on the pi board as my efforts to bring it back into focus have failed.

I recognize that my partner was not transparent with me in the past. That became obvious to me in June 2015 when I asked him for proof of his divorce and he refused. I do believe he is making a sincere effort now to get divorced so the real question is can I forgive him and move on. I don't think it's his fault that his wife is holding up the divorce process.

When I've time I will work more on my inventory of my resentments so I can post about that on the PI board.

-----

Also it concerns me that my efforts to communicate seem to be failing. For example what you see as minuteia is actually my attempt to look at the bigger picture. Dates are important to me as they provide the timeline of the relationship. In fact that issue is so important to me that the moving timeline was the topic of many  therapy sessions and even one where my therapist intervened on my behalf and tried to explain to my partner how difficult his moving timeline was for me to deal with.

Generally I write out a rough draft of my post by hand before I post it. I think one reason we're having so much trouble with this topic is because I posted prematurely. It should be on the PI board. Doing an inventory of my resentments requires me to look at how they have affected me and I haven't had time to do that yet. I apologize for any confusion I've caused.