What happens in the next relationship?

[Pretty Woman]

Blue,

  Try not to worry about how he is going to handle it.

Take care of you.  One of the posters posed a great question, how are you preparing for when the child is here? This is a lot to go alone. You have been so brave in sharing with us.

I can tell you you are lucky you never had children with this man... .but your heart wanted that and it couldn't/didn't happen.

Now is the perfect time to get things in order. If you have someone to talk to (a therapist) really delve into the baby situation and work through that.  I know it won't be easy and darlin you didn't deserve any of this... .

But work on you. That is the ONLY thing you have control over.

In a earlier post I read you wrote something along the lines of "he's happy and building a family".

Didn't this fool try to get back with you KNOWING his gf was pregnant with his child?

He is NOT happy. He is broken and you cannot fix this. No mere mortal man or woman can fix this. This is an emotional disorder. It happened in childhood. It's who HE is. No medication can repair this only years, and years and years of DBT therapy and even then... .huge maybe.

I hope I am not sounding condescending. I am a year out and I thought about her a lot today. I have not heard one word since she told me she was madly in love with my replacement. Not one word.

It hurts because we loved and were discarded like we never mattered. That reopened our own wounds of abandonment and dismissal.

Every day I hope she shows up on my doorstep. And every day I know I can not go through this again.

A friend told me the other day this is the strongest she's seen me in three years. I almost lost my career because of this person. I almost got sued by her psycho sister who I work with... .because of this person.

My life is better off but I feel empty and I suspect everyone here feels a little like that. In my opinion as soon as you can go no contact the better. I know you are still finalizing your divorce but the less you deal with them the more you are able to face how you ended up in this and work your way out of the pain and hopefully into a better relationship... .

Not just with someone new but also a better relationship with yourself.

 

PW

[troisette]

Hi Blue - my experience is as a mother in a sound relationship and friends and family also. Not anyone in a BPD relationship. The first few months after birth are exhausting due to lack of sleep. And a mother has  to make her new born's needs her priority.

I mention it because you might see changes and if that's the case, good to be prepared. Your obligation is to yourself, not him. I've read your story as it has unfolded over several months and you've been through very difficult times.  One after another.

I understand that it's so hard but put yourself first, look after yourself and try not to get involved in any post-natal dramas that are not of your making and not for you to attempt to resolve.

[C.Stein]

I'm willing to listen, not so willing to change. My sponsor gets very upset with my stubbornness, just one of my character defects. Working on improving but takes time, my son needs a good dad. But even that isn't a sufficient motivator for me, this has to be my recovery because when I fail, my loved ones are affected as well.

I obviously don't like focusing on me yet I'm the center of the universe.

This whole selfish codependency thing is confusing to say the least. Change is possible only for those willing to do the hard work.

If I may bring your attention to the other part of that post.

I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love.

Taking the whole quote into consideration, what does the bold part tell you?

[C.Stein]

"Certainly I can understand the anger, I am still angry myself.   How does all this speculation help you detach and heal? "

It doesn't. I just am miserable today and want to think he will be too. Like an idiot I posted something on a forum of anti social persons. Questioning their thoughts on a matter... .you know what one said ? The F word! He swore at me... .that just triggered all kinds of crap for me. I am a glutton for punishment today I guess. I deactivated myself from that website and told them to please take down my question. Maybe that was a big reminder to me of what I was in before. I just don't know what I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself today? I am utterly miserable and haven't been. I think it's getting closer to him having this baby and I am feeling awful about the whole situation. I feel safer here with other people like me... .I wish I knew for sure what my husband personality was... He was diagnosed with a PD, just not which one. He seems to have bits of all 3 BPD,NPD and ASD... .I have to stay away from those people. I am too sensitive.

Blue, I think it was good you removed yourself from that forum.  Also I might suggest you focus less on labeling him and more on seeing the unacceptable behavior that he exhibited in your relationship and why the divorce is the right path for you to take.   

[JerryRG]

Hi C.Stein,

If you're referring to the fact she didn't love me? She told me she didn't love herself so she had nothing to give anyone else. I can believe this statement and from what I experienced she probably felt less than love for herself.

Looking back at her history she burned so many bridges and people. Her family was always upset with her. My ex insisted on always being the center of attention and that drove people away.

Childish? Her ex husband would attend family gatherings and my exBPDgf would stay home because her family liked her husband. Guess he couldn't win in this situstion, so she pushed her husband away. Hmm crazy stuff.

Can pwBPD love others? I didn't feel much from my exgf, more of the mechanical nature, functioning love.

Oh well, I will find someone that can love, after I recover from this r/s and my Codependency issues.

Thanks C.Stein

I had my chemo, it hit me hard. My exgf seeks an excuse to be sick and fakes having cancer. Maybe she's mirroring mine? Crazy all around

[C.Stein]

If you're referring to the fact she didn't love me?

Dig deeper.   

[JerryRG]

Lol, thanks C.Stein

I'm digging, at the moment I'm clueless. Any clues? Lol

Thinking I never really loved her? I guess putting myself in danger and allowing her to abuse me is NOT loving myself? That is so obvious it kinda hides even though it's hitting me over my head.

EUREKA DEAR WATSON, I'VE FIGURED IT OUT! LOL

[C.Stein]

Lol, thanks C.Stein

I'm digging, at the moment I'm clueless. Any clues? Lol

Here is your shovel.  Possession and expectations. 

[JerryRG]

Oh I don't like those shovels , I cannot avoid the truth and expect to get well.

I tried to own her? I didn't accept her for who she was? I wanted her to be happy and she wasn't so I tried to change her?

[C.Stein]

Oh I don't like those shovels , I cannot avoid the truth and expect to get well.

I tried to own her? I didn't accept her for who she was? I wanted her to be happy and she wasn't so I tried to change her?

You are getting warmer Jerry.   

[JerryRG]

I'm playing God? I'm codependent? I'm selfish? I'm a jerk? I'm narcissistic? I'm BPD? I'm not sure

[C.Stein]

I lifted from homelessness, the gutter, drug addiction, abuse, crazy sick friends, prayed over her, comforted her, saved her from suicide, gave her my love, attention, time, my heart, my soul, my child, everything I had was hers, except her love.

Ok, I'll do some digging here.  What I see here is you listing all these things you did for/gave to her, with the expectation that she give you her love ... .to possess.  :)oes that help?

[JerryRG]

It does C.Stein, if I knew the truth I wouldn't be banging my head on these forum walls. I honestly don't know what I did or doing wrong. I know I was possessive and I think after all I gave her she would love me. I just never got anything other than disrespect and hatred and accusation which was confusing. I certainly know I gave her hell and verbally abused her.

She was misrable and nothing I could do to change that. I couldn't function with her around demanding all my time and energy. I did for a while then break down to regenerate.

I guess we both neither respected each other or loved each other. I need to learn to get myself well.

[C.Stein]

I guess we both neither respected each other or loved each other. I need to learn to get myself well.

The first step towards positive personal growth is recognizing where change is needed.  You have a good start here.  

Perhaps you might want to open a thread in personal inventory to explore this?

[JerryRG]

Thank you C. Stein I will keep working on myself. I have been working hard just want to get better for my son, I think I'm so damaged I can't be a good father to him. I don't want to mess him up, he's with his mother and I'm getting all kinds of hell to get custody of him before she damages him.

This really sucks for our son. And my DAMN stubbornness is killing us all. The door is open if I would just walk through

[bunny4523]

How about what happens to us in our next relationship?

We are always so focused on them... .what they are doing now, how they are feeling, why they did what they did.

What about how are we going to move on, fall in love with someone healthy and have the relationship we desire?

 

[WoundedBibi]

How about what happens to us in our next relationship?

We are always so focused on them... .what they are doing now, how they are feeling, why they did what they did.

What about how are we going to move on, fall in love with someone healthy and have the relationship we desire?

 

Good point 

I think I said it in the 'tough love' thread. We need to stop looking for someone that needs us. And we want to be needed to feel better about ourselves. So if we feel better about ourselves we would be able to find an emotional adult instead of an emotional child in an adult's body. Relationships should be about being equals not about a parent-child dynamic or a saviour-victim dynamic. We need to become emotional adults ourselves and we will find other emotional adults.

Now... .how to feel better about ourselves and become emotional adults... .that part I'm still struggling with 

[bunny4523]

bunny, did you think you acted that way? Mine would lie all the time. All the time! He told people I cheated on him... .because that was what he was doing to me. I don;t believe a word he says now. Not a word. It's the boy who cried wolf basically. His Mother feels the same. He said I was too controlling- well, maybe trying to tell someone not to do all the bad stuff they were doing was controlling. I guess I should have just left. That's what I am mad about. Mad I got myself into this mess in the first place.

Hi Herodias,

No I wasn't doing the things he accussed me of.  Not even the minor ones.  A couple extreme examples were that he accussed me of having an inappropriate relationship with my son.   The other was after we decided to split, changing the locks on me when my stuff was still in the house because he didn't know who I gave the key to and he feared his safety at night while he was sleeping.

Huh, wait, what?  Absolutely not who I am. The thought that after knowing me and working side by side with me for 7 years that he could  even go there.  Hard to not take that personal.