My husband (BPD) left two weeks ago. My girls and I were left alone

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone and thank you for reading.

My name´s Eri. I´m from Chile. The past few weeks have been a total nightmare. My 10 years marriage ended abruptly exactly 2 weeks ago. My (ex) husband decided to leave. He rented an apartment and said that he was done and that he needed to be alone. He also said he could not stand being around me anymore... .

We have 2 little girls (5 & 3 y/o) and I´m in so much emotional pain I can´t even describe it.

It all started on March 5th when I found him on our bathroom cutting his wrists off. I took him to ER. The psychiatrist said it was a case of Personality Disorder. We were refer to another specialist and he confirmed the diagnosis. Right now we´re waiting for a formal evaluation and they should give us the result this week.

He basically hates me right now. I don´t know if this could escalate to another level. I´d appreciate any advice or thoughts.

Thank you again <3

[Eri]

Hello everyone and thank you for reading.

My name´s Eri. I´m from Chile. The past few weeks have been a total nightmare. My 10 years marriage ended abruptly exactly 2 weeks ago. My (ex) husband decided to leave. He rented an apartment and said that he was done and that he needed to be alone. He also said he could not stand being around me anymore... .

We have 2 little girls (5 & 3 y/o) and I´m in so much emotional pain I can´t even describe it.

It all started on March 5th when I found him on our bathroom cutting his wrists off. I took him to ER. The psychiatrist said it was a case of Personality Disorder. We were refer to another specialist and he confirmed the diagnosis. Right now we´re waiting for a formal evaluation and they should give us the result this week.

He basically hates me right now. I don´t know if this could escalate to another level. I´d appreciate any advice or thoughts.

Thank you again <3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Shame (self hatred) lies at the core of BPD. It sounds like his shame was triggered by you taking him to the ER. No one should have to deal with such an extreme form of self harm (a suicide attempt) alone, especially with two little girls. You did the right thing, the only thing you could do, taking him to the hospital.

Is he in some kind of out patient psychiatric care, or did they just release him to you with no support? What led up to this incident, like, was there a history of odd behaviors?

I'm sorry that you're in such pain over this, Eri. We're here for you however we can. 



Turkish

[livednlearned]

Hi Eri,

I'm so sorry for the pain and sadness you're going through. To have a husband who is suffering like he is, and then on top of it having your two little girls to care for -- it's a lot to go through.

Do you have family or friends who are supporting you right now?

Whether they give you a diagnosis or not, your husband suffers from emotional dysregulation and cognitive distortions. If he is BPD, there is a good chance that he also suffers from impulsivity and acted hastily. For the moment at least, he feels the need to separate and work through something. It might not be personal, even though he lashes out at you.

Can you tell us a little about what he was like before this recent hospitalization? How was your relationship prior to that?

[hopeful2015]

Hi,

This is certainly hard. My BPDh left a couple months ago to be on his own and I have a 16 month old and evn though it seemed really painful at the time, it has been very helpful to live apart and let our head clear up and really figure out what is good. Even though we have not made final decision to separate since we both want the family, we are going to pursue counseling to see if we can resolve.

Space sometimes is goo to think and see what is best and what you can do and what is not tolerable.

[Eri]

Hey guys!

I can´t thank you enough for the support and your kind words. Tonight was one of those crazy nights when I could´t stop crying  My girls were already asleep and the it hit me! I mean... .being home alone with my girls, my mom could´t stay tonight (she´s been with me all this time)... I just started crying and I was´t able to stop.

To answer some of your questions: our relationship was kinda rocky. I mean, he was getting too close to a new girl friend of his (he still is) I told him I felt uncomfortable about it. He did´t really care. And it was´t the first time something like this happened. A couple of years ago (I think when our second baby was born) he told me he had been having an affair but he´d decided not to leave me. I also found out about his frequent visits to prostitutes... .I know it´s crazy. I can´t believe I´m even writing all this... .I feel awful... .After that we went to family therapy for a year and a half. He decided to quit. I felt we were doing pretty well with our therapist but he said it was a dead end. Bottom line, our relationship has been like quick sand ever since.

Right now I´m totally out of his life. He´s been relying on his new girl-friend. I believe she´s been his support. I´m out.

At the moment, he´s under no treatment or medication. He´s waiting for his final diagnosis and after that he´s supposed to go under treatment. He´s living alone. I don´t even know his address.

Thank you again for taking time and read my posts. I truly appreciate it 

[livednlearned]

Tonight was one of those crazy nights when I could´t stop crying  My girls were already asleep and the it hit me! I mean... .being home alone with my girls, my mom could´t stay tonight (she´s been with me all this time)... I just started crying and I was´t able to stop.

I understand. You feel alone -- your husband is a question mark, your mom had to leave, and maybe you feel afraid? Your children are young and it's a time of really big transition and unknown. It's a lot to carry on your shoulders. Lean on us if you need some friends 

I know it´s crazy.

It's not crazy, Eri. We are wired to bond with close others, and he is the father of your babies, and you want things to work out. As bad as it felt, it probably felt better to being alone, to how you're feeling now. Even so, as painful as it is to cry, it can be very healing to lean into it and really let it wash over you. It might feel like the grief will never end, but it will.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by BPD relationships and it's important that you take care of yourself. That means focusing on yourself right now so you can build back some of what has been lost. It's hard to know what will happen next, though at the very least, you need to feel whole.

Be prepared that he may not accept the diagnosis, and could reject treatment. He started a new relationship and may coast on the distraction of that for a while. All of the skills you can learn here to help be in a BPD relationship will help you hold steady and discover new things about yourself that you can carry with you and pass on to your girls 

LnL

[Eri]

Thank you LnL 

Today I´ve felt a bit better. My girls fill me with joy. What breaks my heart though is that they ask for daddy all the time: when is he coming? why is he working so much? why is he taking so long?... .Sometimes I run of out ideas and I don´t even know what to say. The good thing is that a child psychologist is helping through all this so I´m hoping my girls will be fine.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a family lawyer. She´s gonna help me with the legal issues. I´m pretty sure I´m getting a divorce but I´m not 100% sure yet. I´m still thinking about it. Or maybe I´m just hoping for something that will never happen. I might need a reality check! Anyway, I don´t even know when will be the right time or the best way to tell him I´m divorcing him. I´m pretty sure he knows by now but I have to tell him anyway. It´s kinda hard for me to find the right "way" to talk to him. Whatever I say he feels like I´m attacking him in some way.

I really feel like he "erased" us from his life. He does´t call or texts at all. We´re so out of his life. I guess this is what hurts me the most.

Thank you for caring 

[livednlearned]

It's good that you're feeling better    There will be good days and bad as the family adjusts to this new normal, if there even is such a thing for any of us!

Whatever I say he feels like I´m attacking him in some way.

Have you read any of the materials here about validation? This is an effective skill in all parts of life, though particularly important with people who are BPD. Here's a link to resources about validation and some other communication skills that can help mitigate the conflict. I also highly recommend reading about validation to help support your girls. There are some materials here specifically for kids:

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. The simplest way to describe validation is that feelings and emotions can never be wrong. Validation is arguably the most important skill to learn as a parent, and it has far-reaching impacts for your child's emotional health. Because BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others, your child will likely have above-average needs for validation from you.

Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

I really feel like he "erased" us from his life. He does´t call or texts at all. We´re so out of his life. I guess this is what hurts me the most.

I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt.  :'(  And glad that you have your girls to bring you joy. They're lucky to have a mama who loves them so much.