needing support with how to deal with my mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Shortly around the time that my husband and I were planning to get married I started reading more and more about BPD.  The more I read the more I could see traits of BPD in my mother (undiagnosed to this date).  It was confusing for me, though, as her behaviors and acting out are not extreme as that she does not suffer from addiction to alcohol or drugs, does not self harm, and while she has talked about suicide and has used this as a way to try to get her way she has never attempted (to my knowledge).

I am on my way to healing and feel I have been making strides in this area but am still finding that her behaviors impact me quite a bit and cause strain on my relationship with my husband as he can see what she is doing to me, him, my siblings, and my dad but we are at a loss as to what to do other than talk about it together.  We never come up with a solution past my needing to set better boundaries with her.

Our most recent encounter happened this past Easter weekend.  My dad wanted to buy my car (we are getting a newer bigger one for our growning family) for my sister and also for my parents use until my sister leaves home.  In the discussion about the car we somehow got on the topic of the abandoned vehicle they have sitting in their yard which is a MAJOR eyesore... .their whole yard is an eyesore/construction zone (my dad is building my mom a house at the lake and they have been living in renos for the past 3 years... .mom's choice to move before the house was done... .not my dads).

I asked what they were going to do with it/ if they were going to get a wrecking company to pick it up.  Mom was immediately angry, started berating my dad for not making the phone call to the fire department, saying that he keeps on saying he is going to do something about it but he never does.  All of this happened infront of my dad, younger sister, our two children and my husband.  I asked mom why she didnt make the call.  She knows who can take the car and it may be easier for her to make the call as Dad is working 6 days a week and not around to make the call.  She said "and I dont work?" ( my mom is helping my sister with her 1 year old child as my sister is still in high school). 

Also, keep in mind... .my mom is 68 and my dad is 73 years old... .yes... .my dad is 73 and works full time doing labour work in a regional park and a day a week at a local lumber yard lifting and carrying heavy objects, cleaning, maintaining the campground etc... .he works hard!

She then said she wouldnt even know who to call to begin with so I looked it up for her (all she has to do is call the town office and they can direct her).  She stared daggers in my direction and the conversation ended there.  Later on at the supper table mom made a nasty comment about dad not making the call but we ignored it.

This all happened on Sunday.

On Monday I texted my mom several times to let her know about some work im going to get done on the car before they take it over from me... .no response.

On Tuesday she finally responded at the end of the day (right before we go to bed... .she knows our early bedtime but still tries to call and text even after we go to bed).  She acnowledged my getting the work done and then sent the following:

"There is something I want to tell you too.  Remember the conversation about the vehicles the red van etc and you saying i can make the calls.  I dont because i dont want people to think "I wear the pants" in the family.  I want people to see Dad is in control.  It takes away from him if people think I am in control.  it is different for you in the city no one really knows your situation it is easy for you to make the call without it being a reflection on (my husband).  Do you understand what I am saying"

This text was sent after the time we usually go to sleep, i worked late that night but didnt respond because i didnt know how.

My husband and I had talked about why she was not responding the day before before i left for work that evening and both felt it was because she was upset at me for saying what I did.

We were right.

I dont know how to respond to this in a way that is firm, yet at the same time respectful.  I dont know how to respond in a way to let her know that her behavior is not ok (how she talks to and about my dad/treats my dad).  I have been praying about it and trying to find information but am coming up empty handed so far.  What I want to say is something along the lines of the following:

"Which honors your husband more... .taking care of things that he is having a hard time finding the time to do or saying you dont want to do it because you want him to be viewed as wearing the pants... .all the while treating him with disrespect by speaking about him negatively infront of your children and others"  and then say that it makes me feel uncomfortable, frustrated and unhappy when she talks the way she does and that next time she does that I will ask her to stop or will leave if she continues.

Part of the reason i have not responded yet is because i hate the feeling i have when i feel her wrath is directed toward me.  She does not see that her perceptions are off (she TOTALLY wears the pants in my family) and that her behavior is hurtful... .she truly does... .not... .see... .it!

Any suggestions?  Thoughts? 

[AMati]

Shortly around the time that my husband and I were planning to get married I started reading more and more about BPD.  The more I read the more I could see traits of BPD in my mother (undiagnosed to this date).  It was confusing for me, though, as her behaviors and acting out are not extreme as that she does not suffer from addiction to alcohol or drugs, does not self harm, and while she has talked about suicide and has used this as a way to try to get her way she has never attempted (to my knowledge).

I am on my way to healing and feel I have been making strides in this area but am still finding that her behaviors impact me quite a bit and cause strain on my relationship with my husband as he can see what she is doing to me, him, my siblings, and my dad but we are at a loss as to what to do other than talk about it together.  We never come up with a solution past my needing to set better boundaries with her.

Our most recent encounter happened this past Easter weekend.  My dad wanted to buy my car (we are getting a newer bigger one for our growning family) for my sister and also for my parents use until my sister leaves home.  In the discussion about the car we somehow got on the topic of the abandoned vehicle they have sitting in their yard which is a MAJOR eyesore... .their whole yard is an eyesore/construction zone (my dad is building my mom a house at the lake and they have been living in renos for the past 3 years... .mom's choice to move before the house was done... .not my dads).

I asked what they were going to do with it/ if they were going to get a wrecking company to pick it up.  Mom was immediately angry, started berating my dad for not making the phone call to the fire department, saying that he keeps on saying he is going to do something about it but he never does.  All of this happened infront of my dad, younger sister, our two children and my husband.  I asked mom why she didnt make the call.  She knows who can take the car and it may be easier for her to make the call as Dad is working 6 days a week and not around to make the call.  She said "and I dont work?" ( my mom is helping my sister with her 1 year old child as my sister is still in high school). 

Also, keep in mind... .my mom is 68 and my dad is 73 years old... .yes... .my dad is 73 and works full time doing labour work in a regional park and a day a week at a local lumber yard lifting and carrying heavy objects, cleaning, maintaining the campground etc... .he works hard!

She then said she wouldnt even know who to call to begin with so I looked it up for her (all she has to do is call the town office and they can direct her).  She stared daggers in my direction and the conversation ended there.  Later on at the supper table mom made a nasty comment about dad not making the call but we ignored it.

This all happened on Sunday.

On Monday I texted my mom several times to let her know about some work im going to get done on the car before they take it over from me... .no response.

On Tuesday she finally responded at the end of the day (right before we go to bed... .she knows our early bedtime but still tries to call and text even after we go to bed).  She acnowledged my getting the work done and then sent the following:

"There is something I want to tell you too.  Remember the conversation about the vehicles the red van etc and you saying i can make the calls.  I dont because i dont want people to think "I wear the pants" in the family.  I want people to see Dad is in control.  It takes away from him if people think I am in control.  it is different for you in the city no one really knows your situation it is easy for you to make the call without it being a reflection on (my husband).  Do you understand what I am saying"

This text was sent after the time we usually go to sleep, i worked late that night but didnt respond because i didnt know how.

My husband and I had talked about why she was not responding the day before before i left for work that evening and both felt it was because she was upset at me for saying what I did.

We were right.

I dont know how to respond to this in a way that is firm, yet at the same time respectful.  I dont know how to respond in a way to let her know that her behavior is not ok (how she talks to and about my dad/treats my dad).  I have been praying about it and trying to find information but am coming up empty handed so far.  What I want to say is something along the lines of the following:

"Which honors your husband more... .taking care of things that he is having a hard time finding the time to do or saying you dont want to do it because you want him to be viewed as wearing the pants... .all the while treating him with disrespect by speaking about him negatively infront of your children and others"  and then say that it makes me feel uncomfortable, frustrated and unhappy when she talks the way she does and that next time she does that I will ask her to stop or will leave if she continues.

Part of the reason i have not responded yet is because i hate the feeling i have when i feel her wrath is directed toward me.  She does not see that her perceptions are off (she TOTALLY wears the pants in my family) and that her behavior is hurtful... .she truly does... .not... .see... .it!

Any suggestions?  Thoughts? 

[Turkish]

"There is something I want to tell you too.  Remember the conversation about the vehicles the red van etc and you saying i can make the calls.  I dont because i dont want people to think "I wear the pants" in the family.  I want people to see Dad is in control.  It takes away from him if people think I am in control.  it is different for you in the city no one really knows your situation it is easy for you to make the call without it being a reflection on (my husband).  Do you understand what I am saying"

Do you see a validation target here, aside from all the drama?

Communication using validation

If you can validate that target, it may help to reduce your frustration. Validation isn't about judging, it's just acknowledging the feelings of others. It doesnt mean approving of hdr behaviors, but rather starting a conversation, hopefully resulting in reduced conflict. As maddening as it might feel, you have this capability; whereas, she does not. Does that make sense?

Turkish

[AMati]

I think I can see what you are saying. She wants Dad to be in control and believes it when she says it. I can understand how frustrating it can be for her when dad doesn't step up to the plate.  At the same time dad is so beat down by her constant negative behaviours and talk I also see his side of it... .what he does is never enough.

Maybe if I can validate how frustrating it must be I can turn things around to how helping dad with things like making the phone call can reduce her frustration and anger because she can still get what she wants (the vehicle out of the yard and a tax credit in her pocket) and it will still show that dad is in control because the yard will look nicer which will reflect in a positive way on him.