Do these texts indicate she has other agendas need help sorting

[formflier]

So, am I being oversensitive and "seeing" slights and disrespect from my wife where there are none?, or does it jump out at you guys too?

I'm coming a this from the point of view of "getting the log out of my own eye, before looking at the speck in hers"

I would claim that I don't have any dirt in my eye at all, (on this issue).  I want to get the right food and since my wife has declared that I have a role in this (that I have never had before) I would like to know what she believes her role is.  Basically, how does this work.?.how do we "fit" together on this one issue?

Note:  I've bought cat food, litter and done all kinds of stuff or the cat.  :)19 is off at college and I have become the caretaker that buys things and D10 is primary caregiver (food, water, scooping) but obviously doesn't go to the store to buy things.  

I don't think I have ever, and I mean EVER, bought 1 single thing for the dog.  Wife is primary care giver and keeps up with stuff.  I have taken dog to vet and bought meds, so perhaps I should back off a bit on my "ever" stance, but as far as going to a store, I'm 99.9% positive I've never bought anything or thought about it.  Wife just handled it




Me: Hey, I found two "cesar" classics meals for (dog name). Should I feed her 1 of those or go get more of what she had 7:31 AM

Me: is there a stash of that other food somewhere? 7:32 AM

ff wife: I already fed her one this morning because we're out of her other dog food that is something that needs to be kept an eye on yes by all means please go get her more of the other kind 7:55 AM

Me: do you remember the name of the other kind, where to go get it. Good to know you already fed her 7:56 AM

Me: I'll be out later this morning and will pick up whatever she needs, just need to know what that is 7:57 AM

ff wife : Yes as stay-at-home spouse you do need to know what that is and keep track of it I got it at Meijer 7:58 AM (ff comment, umm, is this speech making on her part?)

ff wife: Look in the trash can they come in little boxes of 3 or single cans 7:58 AM

ff wife: Best to keep to same brand 7:59 AM

Me: What is your role in this? 7:59 AM (given history of her doing almost everything, I am genuinely curious)

ff wife: What is yours apparently to point out my sin not your own 8:00 AM (anyone have any idea what sin I am pointing out?)

Me: I asked a question, I don't see a response to that question, can you answer it please? 8:01 AM

Me: I do not intend to point out anything, my intention is to ask a question about an area I don't understand, no other agenda 8:01 AM

ff wife: Do not judge others and you will not be judged the way you treat others is the way you will be treated the measured by which you judge and why worry about a speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own how can you think of saying to your friend let me help you get the speck out of your eye when you cannot see past the log in your own hypocrite first get rid of the log in your own eye then you can see to deal with the speck in your friends from memory 8:01 AM

ff wife: How does the bible verse memory for you 8:01 AM

Me: was memorizing that verse as well this morning 8:02 AM

ff wife: Good I'm proud of you 8:02 AM

Me: pretty good, I almost have it word for word, I have the gist of it, but it is still not smooth from memory 8:03 AM

Me: Hey, listen, looking for solution here, I have seen your statement of my role in dog food, I want to understand your view of your role in this. Can you help me with that and answer the question? 8:04 AM

ff wife: I am thankful to God that for whatever reason you were willing to get the kids to the to the church dinner Wednesday night and the the classes so that they can learn about God and hopefully live for him it was so nice not to have to be the one that does that it was so nice to be at my parents waiting for the girls to get home and come back to our house and find that you had taken them to church praise the Lord 8:04 AM (so, is this a compliment or a slam?  I'm seeing her making a point that I haven't been doing church stuff in the past, )

ff wife: Well done my good and faithful servant 8:04 AM  (umm, am I her servant?)

ff wife: Solution is look in the trash for the can get the name go to Meijer buy more 8:05 AM

ff wife: I believe in you you can do it 8:05 AM

Me: what is your role in this? 8:05 AM

Me: I believe in you to (ff wife name). I believe you can answer my question, I am not a mind reader and do not like to be put in the position of having to "fill in the blank" when I ask for your thoughts and don't get them, 8:07 AM

ff wife: Ask or demand asking is understanding that you may not get it demanding is saying that you will have an answer 8:07 AM  (what the heck?)


ff wife: My role this morning was to feed the dog to make sure she got fed today ff name you didn't even know what kind of dog food she ate or that she was out of food I didn't have much faith that you were feeding her especially after our conversation a couple days ago where you didn't even realize that we had to feed the dog everyday 8:08 AM  (my remembrance of that conversation was I had no idea that "I" had a role in feeding her everyday.  My wife and I figured out that she had went about 18 hours without being fed, poor thing)

Me: I don't understand that, not saying it is right or wrong, but that does not connect in any way with me, "demand asking" not sure 8:08 AM

ff wife: maybe you should pray about that so it does connect 8:09 AM

Me: I will, can you pray about answering a question that is asked? Seriously, please I am NOT a mind reader. Y 8:10 AM

Me: I didn't ask about your role this morning, 8:10 AM

ff wife: There's a big difference between asking and demanding asking implies that you understand that you may or may not be getting what you want demanding implies that you will have what you want or there will be consequences such as anger arguing Etc 8:11 AM

ff wife: So I will ask one more time are you asking or demanding an answer 8:11 AM

Me: Again, I promise I will pray, I swear, but I don't for the life of me see how that applies to caring for (ff dog name) 8:11 AM

Me: I am asking you, 8:12 AM

ff wife: I know you don't babe 8:12 AM

ff wife: Do you understand that I'm walking in my building to my job that I have right now to support our family can this wait can you wait 8:12 AM  (i'm seeing a speech here about her supporting family)

Me: I have seen a statement from you that shows you have a clear vision of my role in caring for  (buying dog food). My question was about your role in this, your vision of where you fit in 8:12 AM

ff wife: I guess that answers my question of whether or not you can wait have a good day 8:13 AM

Me: What I don't get, is how you can so clearly lay out your vision for what I do in the care of (ff dog name), yet after asking repeatedly for your thoughts about your role, I have zero idea of what you see your role being, zero, 8:14 AM

Me: I hope you have a good day as well, I'll do my best to help out in this situation, 8:16 AM


(end of texts)  Should I have offered to help out, when it is obvious she is not going to be part of a solution.  If she wants dog fed, she can buy it?  :)og is good until later today, after my wife has a chance to go to the store.

Or, do I peek in the trash and see if I can find a can?

Sigh,

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

I honestly did not exactly follow it, however, what I glean is... .

Sounds like you contacted her legitimately looking to help feed dog.

She got defensive and started a defensive dance.

You tried to pin her down to admit who's role is it? You seemed to then switch from goal:feed dog.  To goal: make a point. (Engaged in dance)

She continued her defensive dance, went offensive, and with her God alliance... .well w/e.

Then you tried to revert to your original intent of simply wanting to feed dog.

I think next time... .

Stick with your goal.  Trying to feed the dog.

Don't try to: Make a point.

If you want to discuss who's role is it... .please don't do that at the time she has 'failed.'  Wait a day, then bring it up without reference to her 'fail.'

[formflier]

You tried to pin her down to admit who's role is it? You seemed to then switch from goal:feed dog.  To goal: make a point. (Engaged in dance)

OK, I can see this point of view.  How do I get this information without "making a point". 

My goal was not to make a point, my goal is to get information that I don't have, in order to solve an issue.

I don't have enough information to "make a point" or "make a judgment" about failure.

I suppose I can see her "failure" to purchase more of the right kind of dog food, but, that is a trivial detail, I offered to help (did I invalidate her by offering to help?)

Big picture:  Do I just let her feed the dog?  Do I take the stance that if you want me to be involved, we have to communicate, ?

I'm fine with not being involved.

I'm fine with being involved and communicating, even if that means I do the lions share of work that I haven't done before.

I'm not fine with helping somebody that will not help you, help them. 

Hey, I'm trying to be open here, get guidance, is there a "log in my own eye" that I am not seeing?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

The very first text from your wife had some covert blaming and shaming: that is something that needs to be kept an eye on

You ask a simple question--brand and place to buy it. You're met with more B&S: as stay-at-home spouse you do need to know what that is and keep track of it

You're triggered, understandably, since you just want information, not a lecture. Then you up the ante: What is your role in this?

Next thing the conversation is off the rails, with Biblical references, contempt and irrelevancies. All you wanted was the damned brand of the dog food and where it could be purchased.

Holding her accountable for answering what exactly is her "role" seemed to offer her permission to go on the warpath.

[Sunfl0wer]

Lol, it sounds like she messed up, and you are rubbing her nose in it.  You sound like you are blaming her while trying to help.

She both... .

A. Did not feed the dog

B. Did not even have correct food in house for the task, so had to improvise.

Any questions you asked... .

She would have had to admit those facts.

She was cornered.

I think you do not need to ask about who's job it is.  Likely she knows... .and would feed dog next day?

What would happen if you called her and... .

Hey, dog looks hungry, can you tell me what to do?

And then literally just follow directions. (Without asking about roles)

Get task accomplished for the moment.

Then END interaction.  (Ignore her dancing if it happens)

I don't see any stance needed.  Mistakes happen, sounds like she overlooked the dog.

If you only offered to help, (without the questioning) do you think that the next day she would feed the dog?  Or be intentionally passive aggressive and not?

My guess is if you acted 'dumb' like you didn't notice it was her mistake... .likely next day she would remember?  (Resuming her previously unspoken role?)

If not... .I still think bringing it up at a separate time is needed.  I'm kinda not sure why you questioned her because even if she did say... .oh no, I forgot to not only feed the dog, but buy the food... .next time I will take care of it.  Uh, she doesn't keep agreements, so why are you pinning her down to any anyway?

[Verbena]

I'm always amazed at these long-winded text sermons from your wife while she is either on her way to work (is she texting and driving?) or while she's at work.  I barely had time to go to the bathroom when I was a teacher. 

Anyway, I think that asking her what role she played in this was probably not a good move.  I would keep any text communications with your wife very neutral and just not "go there" when she starts in with the blaming and contempt toward you.  I know we're supposed to validate pwBPD, but you can do that in person. 

[formflier]

 

A bit of clarity here, it is awesome to see other points of view.


She fed the dog this morning, but fed her the Cesar stuff.  I was asking if I should feed Cesar or go get something else and got the information that dog was fed (so, dog good "right now" but, the "right" food is not in the house).

Listen, I solve problems, make things work, like to look for solutions.  I really don't walk around "making judgments" about people, but I do make judgments about "will this work" or "can I do this?"  Is it likely the task will be successfully accomplished?  

I'm a very "task oriented" person.  ESTJ (uggg, there is the "judge" word), but seriously, judging whether someone is "bad" or not is not what I'm about.  

There is a clear statement from my wife (seemed clear to me) that it was my job to keep up with dog food.

Since I've never done that before, I need information so I can make the situation better, and not worse.

When I asked "what is your role", I thought I was being non-judgmental and "open", it's a bit of an open question.

What I was really curious about was "Is this a one time thing, or are were redefining roles "forever"?  "Have you brought this up before and I missed it?"

In reality, I had tons of questions, but I figured something "open" would allow her a chance to let me know what she was thinking about the "role" of buying dog food, which could lead into something bigger, or not.  :)epends where she goes with it, her choice, since I have no idea what is in her mind.

Hmm, so, I do see how that can look like "making a point", but from my view, that means you have to confuse a statement with a question and a question with a statement.

I'm still open here, keep it coming.

FF

[byfaith]

Hey FF,

I am in agreement with the ideas of the other responses, they state it more eloquently than I would. I liked cats "you upping the ante" and then it got off the rails.

I know that would have been a trigger for my wife.

When I read all of your texts I was like where is this thing going? he only asked about feeding the dog.

What I was really curious about was "Is this a one time thing... .or are were redefining roles "forever"?  "Have you brought this up before and I missed it?"



My view on this would be let's see if this happens more than once. It sounds like you were trying to help and it just went off on a rabbit trail.

BF

[Notwendy]

In reality... .I had tons of questions... .but I figured something "open" would allow her a chance to let me know what she was thinking about the "role" of buying dog food... .which could lead into something bigger... .or not.  :)epends where she goes with it... .her choice... .since I have no idea what is in her mind.


How this got from dog food to Bible verses is due to it veering off course and triggering other issues. Then it just went off course as both of you went on to kitchen sinking coated in Biblical speech.

I have a huge respect for religion, but resentments and digs coated in Bible verses are still resentments. We all know that "Bless your heart" in Southern really means "p-ss off".

I also think that people can use Biblical speech to justify themselves, act with an air of authority, and coerce others to their point of view. People can use religion to get what they want from people and to justify their motives. The news has plenty of examples of this. So on a smaller scale, a disordered person can be disordered and also religious.

Two aspects of dysfunctional arguments include kitchen sinking ( throwing other issues in to the mess ) as well as tactics - bringing up issues to take the conversation off topic. This can happen when one is confronted. Your wife's comment about stay at home parent was kitchen sinking, but you responded with another kitchen sink statement- which was a direct confrontation. Then, she brought up the deflector - Bible statement, and you, FF, because you wish to share a religious life with your wife, took the bait . I truly mean no disrespect for Bible here, as I think discussing Bible is something good, but in the midst of bringing up issues, it can me misused. Taking the bait is a statement I use for myself when I am triggered to respond to a conversation by responding to off topic issues. This may help you recognize when bringing up Bible - which you are interested in is possibly leading you off topic. 

So, it starts with the dog food:


Me: Hey... .I found two "cesar" classics meals for (dog name). Should I feed her 1 of those or go get more of what she had 7:31 AM

Me: is there a stash of that other food somewhere? 7:32 AM

ff wife: I already fed her one this morning because we're out of her other dog food that is something that needs to be kept an eye on yes by all means please go get her more of the other kind 7:55 AM

Me: do you remember the name of the other kind... where to go get it. Good to know you already fed her 7:56 AM

Me: I'll be out later this morning and will pick up whatever she needs... .just need to know what that is 7:57 AM

Then on to the dig ( trigger)

ff wife : Yes as stay-at-home spouse you do need to know what that is and keep track of it I got it at Meijer 7:58 AM (ff comment... .umm... .is this speech making on her part?)

ff wife: Look in the trash can they come in little boxes of 3 or single cans 7:58 AM

ff wife: Best to keep to same brand 7:59 AM

And here you go off topic- no longer the dog food but a direct confrontation and a response to the dig. The conversation may have not gone here if you had chosen not to react to it.

Me: What is your role in this? 7:59 AM (given history of her doing almost everything... .I am genuinely curious)

ff wife: What is yours apparently to point out my sin not your own 8:00 AM (anyone have any idea what sin I am pointing out?)

Me: I asked a question... .I don't see a response to that question... .can you answer it please? 8:01 AM

Me: I do not intend to point out anything... .my intention is to ask a question about an area I don't understand... .no other agenda 8:01 AM

And she then uses the deflection.

ff wife: Do not judge others and you will not be judged the way you treat others is the way you will be treated the measured by which you judge and why worry about a speck in your brother's eye when you have a log in your own how can you think of saying to your friend let me help you get the speck out of your eye when you cannot see past the log in your own hypocrite first get rid of the log in your own eye then you can see to deal with the speck in your friends from memory 8:01 AM

and you bite the bait and now, from dog food to Bible


Me: was memorizing that verse as well this morning 8:02 AM

ff wife: Good I'm proud of you 8:02 AM

Me: pretty good... I almost have it word for word... .I have the gist of it... but it is still not smooth from memory 8:03 AM


You can't change her behavior, but your part of it is something to be aware of. Triggers and bait coated in Bible verses are still triggers and bait.


Stay on topic. There is a time for everything: a time for Bible, and a time  for dog food. Sometimes it is better to just discuss dog food.,

[formflier]

  Sometimes it is better to just discuss dog food., [/i]

So, would a better response have been.

It's not my role to buy dog food, I'll leave that up to you.  And end the conversation?

I guess, what I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around, is how a question to clarify an odd statement, is upping the ante.  I suppose I can see it when looking at it from other points of view (other than "solving" dog food).

If she is saying "you are responsible for buying all dog food from now on, "  My answer would be no, or "ok, I'll take the dog to a shelter"

There were lots of things that the odd statement (I guess we'll call it the original kitchen sinking) thing brought up.  I suppose I would be ok with just letting it go and let whatever happen to the dog.  I would rather not do it that way, but if that is the lesser of two evils.

Should I have refused to engage in any other conversation that dog food?  To me, that would have been "old" FF of a few months ago that would not communicate with his wife.  Basically, with communication so limited, have been texting with her a lot more.  I would rather not, but it's that, or basically zero communication.


FF

[Daniell85]

She threw Matthew 7:1 at you.

Hilarious.

I am actually triggered on her texts.

To validate you, she is being provocative for no reason except to put you down and demean you. Obviously her personal resentments are through the roof. Of course it's upsetting to be the constant recipient of that abusive behavior.

Personally I think she is more a narc than anything. Why else would she be so incredibly offended that you have gone from an executive in the military to an at home spouse who is holding down the domestic fort while still bringing in a solid income to support your family?

You said she wasn't like this before the last few years?

[Notwendy]

In the moment-


Me: Hey... .I found two "cesar" classics meals for (dog name). Should I feed her 1 of those or go get more of what she had 7:31 AM

Me: is there a stash of that other food somewhere? 7:32 AM

ff wife: I already fed her one this morning because we're out of her other dog food that is something that needs to be kept an eye on yes by all means please go get her more of the other kind 7:55 AM

Me: do you remember the name of the other kind... where to go get it. Good to know you already fed her 7:56 AM

Me: I'll be out later this morning and will pick up whatever she needs... .just need to know what that is 7:57

AM

You just offered to go get dog food

ff wife : Yes as stay-at-home spouse you do need to know what that is and keep track of it I got it at Meijer 7:58 AM (ff comment... .umm... .is this speech making on her part?)

Here is where she digs at you, starts the role thing

ff wife: Look in the trash can they come in little boxes of 3 or single cans 7:58 AM

ff wife: Best to keep to same brand 7:59 AM

Here is where you can avoid kitchen sinking

FF: OK thanks I will get some at the store.

Then LATER you can discuss who should get the dog food. This isn't necessarily being the compliant one. It is seeking a way to be more effective at discussing this, since you can see the Bible verse kitchen sink conversation did not address or resolve the issues.

Then, since you have a boundary on buying dog food, you can say later. "I do not want to be responsible for buying the dog food"  That may not go well, but if you can stay on topic you can make it clear you are not doing this. Then, it will be up to her to figure out how the dog is fed. But the idea was brought up when you offered to pick it up. If the dog is out of food, then you can decide to get some or not, but you are clear that it isn't going to be your regular role.

If this is the hill you wish to stand firm on, so be it, but another solution is to just pick up some of it if you are at the store. Understand that this issue is what you make of it.

[Notwendy]

Watch out for the triggers and bait, who come to you in sheep's clothing.  

[formflier]

She threw Matthew 7:1 at you.

Hilarious.

I am actually triggered on her texts.

To validate you, she is being provocative for no reason except to put you down and demean you. Obviously her personal resentments are through the roof. Of course it's upsetting to be the constant recipient of that abusive behavior.

Personally I think she is more a narc than anything. Why else would she be so incredibly offended that you have gone from an executive in the military to an at home spouse who is holding down the domestic fort while still bringing in a solid income to support your family?

You said she wasn't like this before the last few years?

First, here goes me defending her a bit.  We are memorizing Mat 7:1 as part of homework.  The obvious effort is to NOT judge our partners but to judge ourselves first.  So, there is some legitimacy to her having that on her mind. 

2009 was major tipping point for our family.  Natural disaster, out of home for 6 months.  Bad, bad.  Paranoia showed up, I invalidated the crap out of her because I "proved" myself innocent time and time again.  I was good at that,

FF

[Daniell85]

It's on her mind and she flings it at you when you text to ask about what dog food brand to buy?

2009 is 7 years.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Sorry!  I did not digest the details well, and actually digested them incorrectly.

Yea, I too like Cats explanation.

I am not sure why it appears you started the conversation with one goal in mind, then switched.  

It appears you did so out of reacting... .maybe?

Does trying to delineate roles with wife usually prove beneficial for you?

(I worry that it actually invites more issue as she avoids being held to any standard and will feel stressed at you attempting to control.)

Is this an issue of needing to radically accept that your wife moves goal posts to suit her?  (Idk, just asking)

[Daniell85]

I would divorce the woman in a heartbeat.

As I am not you, FF, the moment she actually answered what the dog food brand was, mission accomplished, any other BS coming from her gets ignored and you just buy the dog food if you are feeling generous while you are out and about.

[formflier]

Does trying to delineate roles with wife usually prove beneficial for you?

Sometimes, the thing is, you never know.  There are "good conversations" where a resolution comes and that resolution happens.

But, maybe 2/3rds bad and 1/3 good, maybe,

So, whether or not is is good for me, a good outcome would definitely be good for the dog, as in not go hungry or get the runs because of switching food.  

It's such a simple thing, buying dog food and feeding dog.  If I did not take the bait and ignored the switching roles thing, and I went on about my life thinking that dog is being fed, and my wife goes on about her life thinking dog is being fed,

To me, there seems to be more potential for bad outcome there,  There is so much about our lives that is complicated (all the kids and stuff) so the "who is doing what and where and when" conversations happen all the time, and in past few months go off the rails often, with lots of things being missed or messed up.

I'm certainly not going to run around in the background and clean up messes or "save" things.

Sigh,

FF

[formflier]

I would divorce the woman in a heartbeat.

As I am not you, FF, the moment she actually answered what the dog food brand was, mission accomplished, any other BS coming from her gets ignored and you just buy the dog food if you are feeling generous while you are out and about.

Note, she never gave me the brand.  I did go dumpster diving and found the right can. 

I offered, so I guess I'll follow through and get it.  Perhaps I should clarify my role this evening as "I have no role, good luck"

Probably better to say, "If you would like my help, her are the conditions under which I am willing, " and give her a choice.

FF

[Notwendy]

What about the choice to have the role discussion later ?

That isn't ignoring the role issue. It is looking for a better way/time/place to communicate.

Did this way (Kibbles and Bits of Bible and Bickering) work?

[Daniell85]

She doesn't have a list she keeps around of things that need bought for around the house?

[flourdust]

I guess I'm not seeing why you want to pick this particular fight.

It sounds to me like the scenario is that your wife asks you to add picking up dog food to the shopping list. Is there a downside to this that I'm missing?

[Fian]

I think the role question was triggering for her.  She wants to say that she has no role (it is your job now), but doesn't want to say it, hence she gets defensive instead.  It seems to me that this conversation would be better handled in person, although I do understand that she tries to avoid having conversations.  Anyway, here are some other ways I think you could have tried to communicate:

1.  I will pick up the dog food today, but are you asking me to buy the dog food from now on?

Or, if you really don't want to buy the dog food:

2.  I will pick up the dog food this time, but you will be buying the food in the future like you used to, right?

[Notwendy]

FF, I understand your not wanting to go back to the old FF ( compliant) . It seems that you established a relationship with certain tools that worked for you for a while. Then, several things changed. There was a change in primary roles with your wife entering the workforce and you having more time at home ( this is independent of income - I know you have different sources- the point I am trying to make is there was a change). Then you moved (another change) to new stresses- FOO nearby. Older kids have gone off to college ( more change) Your wife is most likely done with childbearing ( more change)

Sometimes when things change, the relationship tools we have been using don't work as well. There was the old FF, the next stage FF. Now, a lot of things are going haywire- the in laws uninvited, the dog food, a whole lot of issues with each one being the hill you place the relationship on. Taking a step back- it is all a bunch of hills on a mountain of change.

Maybe there are new tools to learn?

I am not ignoring the issues with your wife and her FOO, but focusing on you, because you are the only part if this that you can control. There are issues to deal with, but a time and a place for that.

[Sunfl0wer]

Probably better to say... ."If you would like my help... .her are the conditions under which I am willing... ." and give her a choice.

This sounds antagonistic

How about instead of stating your conditions, just behave them... .

Hey, I'm going to (grocery store name) later, ya mind telling me what dog food to buy?

So in above situation... .

It is if your condition is that she both

A. Tells u brand

B. Tells you before going to store

Make up your own conditions tho... .apply same idea?

Edit:

Wait, is this the first time you are hearing of her wanting you to buy dog food?

ff wife: I already fed her one this morning because we're out of her other dog food that is something that needs to be kept an eye on yes by all means please go get her more of the other kind 7:55 AM

If so, that changes things.

[formflier]

Trying to answer several posts at once.

Yes, first time, ever, EVER, that I have been involved with the purchasing of dog food.  Sure, every once in a while I'll add water to the bowl or add some food.  But it has never been a duty that I was asked, or performed.  I jumped in and helped when and where I could, just to be helpful.

When I say "old FF", that was old as of a few months ago, really strong boundaries.  If you want to have a conversation with me, you will follow rules or have a conversation by yourself.

Likely old FF would have wished her a nice day after she "state" what was my job and left it to her to figure out how to feed the dog.

Since she obviously has things to say, I've been trying to loosen up more, text more, talk more late at night, listen, be present, etc etc.

There has been some success with this, enough for me to say I should still try.  I think I should still try to text with her,

But I really want to understand how and when things go "off the rails".  I just can't think fast enough to do it on the fly.

How do I go from "task oriented" to "r/s oriented". 

I wasn't trying to pick a fight, I want to feed the dog, I had two cans in my hand that were not the right food, not good to switch it.

From the time she starts responding, until it is off the rails, is 3-4 minutes,

I'm just not that nimble, at this point, to shift gears from task to "soothing" or BPDwhispering,

That's one of the reasons I moved away from texting and just said "effe it", let her be mad I won't text her, other than grocery stuff, lists and times, zero r/s issues at all.  It was a hard boundary that she hated, HATED,

Sigh,

Is this a sign I need to stop texting and go to less communication?

FF

[Panda39]

Me: What is your role in this? 7:59 AM (given history of her doing almost everything... .I am genuinely curious)

ff wife: What is yours apparently to point out my sin not your own 8:00 AM (anyone have any idea what sin I am pointing out?)

Jumping in a little late but... .

I will say that I read  "What is your role in this?" as accusatory and I think your wife might have been taking it that way too.  Remember that written conversation and even phone conversation can loose something (facial expression, body language, voice inflection etc) in the translation. What you intend to communicate and what someone else receives might be two very different things, then throw in the extra sensitivity of someone with BPD you have an increased chance of miscommunication.

It might help to go back to "I" messages... .I haven't typically bought the dog food do you want me to start doing that or do you still want to do it?... .

Panda39

[Cat Familiar]

Speaking as a fellow Meyers Briggs Thinker, we miss subtle things when we communicate with Feelers, and especially with pwBPD. It's easier for me to see other people's communication issues than my own.

Asking and asking repeatedly about your wife's role may seem like a simple question to you, but I bet it came across as an aggressive assault to her.

I inadvertently do this all the time with my husband when I want a simple answer to a simple question and he will think I'm hammering him.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm thinking her suggestion for you to buy dog food, if it was first time you heard of this, was actually a reactive statement... .and not to be taken too seriously.  (Which isn't to say it won't get held over your head later.)

I am guessing that if this was always her role... .

Possibly your inquiry felt like you monitoring her ability to do her role.  

In a sense, you overstepped your bounds, by 'taking control' of monitoring the situation.

It may have felt insulting for her to experience you discussing it in a way as if to take that role from her.  So she thought, "Well heck, if he is not going to trust me to do it, and will supervise me anyway just to find fault, (notice when I have 'failed' at it) he may as well do more of it... .which means he can go supervise himself, not me."

[Notwendy]

FF, I may be mistaken, but didn't you call her to ask about the brand because you offered to pick up the dog food? If so, then she didn't ask or expect you to get it. The conversation started because you asked the brand.

You asked about texting and becoming a better BPD whisper, but I put the focus on you so you could see where your reacting to her, and getting into the Bible discussion took the conversation off course. If you only wanted to talk about dog food, then IMHO, I think it is important to understand where both people took it off course.

If not texting helps avoid kitchen sinking and diverting in such conversations, then it is good to not text, but the issue isn't the form of communication, but these two pitfalls .

I put the focus on you, because you can only affect your actions. Managing your wife is less effective.