The Clinging and dependent BPD

[suzeeJ]

Hi all... .I have been reading a lot of posts to get an idea of what other parents of BPD's go through.

Most of what I read, their BPFs or d seems pretty feisty, to leave home, and go off on their own paths - which understandably is really worry for you as they often hit a down spiral again.

I also read of many of them as quite academic, possibly up till the age of 15 or 18, some even going on to study in universities.

My situation is a little different, and am wondering if there are any parents out there who are dealing with a BPD similar to mine.

My BPD did start showing "different" social behavior, not aggressive toward others, but rather always seeming to find a problem with some kid who is picking on her, causing her to withdraw. As a small child she didn't seem to connect with other kids, but seemed otherwise a happy, playful and full-of-fun little girl.

From the age of about 9 she began to disconnect even more, fantasize about ways of life that are impossible to live. She showed no particular interest in school work. (I actually thought she might be a bit autistic, but doctors have confirmed definitely not).

Now she never wanted to go spend time with friends, or sleep over at a friend. She clung to me all the time. I tried to encourage her to go on one or two shorter trips with the school outings, but either she did not no, or it ended in such drama they had to get her back to me.

She is emotionally extremely dependent on me, asking literally constantly for reassurance on everything about her. She's now 18. She is 2 or 3 years behind in schooling (more truthfully, about 6 years behind). She does not/ cannot learn. She has no interest whatsoever in learning. She has had developmental testing done, and there seems to show no problem at all with intelligence or intellect.

But she can not seem to achieve ANYTHING.  She never has, and still will not, join in a card game, a game of scrabble or monopoly, or a jigsaw. Most often kids called her stupid as she just didn't seem to be able to do anything.

She has no basic life skills. She still will not read a book, or an article. She relies on me for everything. Everything!  She is afraid to stay home alone, or stay with anyone besides me. It is debilitating for both of us. And it's breaking my heart.

The reward/consequence doesn't apply much  here, as she's not interested in anything anyway!

For the most part... .and the hardest thing for me to admit... .she usually IS socially rejected and it is killing me, because I have seen how many times I have worked SO hard to encourage her to go up to a friend, who subsequently rejected her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi suzeej

I wanted to welcome you and touch base.

I've been actively on the forum for a good few months now and finding it very helpful. Ive started to read and am learning how best I can change to be the parent my BPDs25 needs. We see small improvements and it is heartening. There's no way we could be achieving what we are as a family without the support and information on this forum.

I don't know if you've read the long thread "welcome to quiet BPD... .".  My BPDs was diagnosed in sept 15 and I always struggled with the diagnosis knowing that he's not aggressive in any way, wouldn't harm a fly. I now see there's another class of BPD group and he fits it perfectly. You might find it interesting to read and also google the term. It seems to be lesser known.

My BPDs was a VERY clingy child and difficult to manage:

he internalises his emotions, deep anxiety, low self confidence

Turned to drugs in formative years

Intelligent, articulate

Fear of everything

Inertia

Lack of motivation

No trust or confidence in his own decisions

Poor executive functioning, can't plan or deal with money

Said No to most opportunities

We saw at 15 his low self confidence and sent him on a 3 week outward bound trip. Knowing what I know now, I'd have done something far more radical like a 3 month wilderness trip. Having said that, he still talks about his sense of accomplishment. How I got him to go was a brief moment where it fell into place, he was self harming and in crisis and I suggested some time away from us would be good for him. I sold it as a holiday and he agreed to go, I arranged it quickly and got a last minute place. He called us every day in the last week but This was the start of a very long process.

In 10 years he's had some experiences of living away from us. All went wrong but he grew. A year away at uni, complete disaster but he still learnt even if it was only what hunger felt like. A trip to Thailand, he returned home early after only one week. Last year he managed to WOOF in California. He gained an insight into how others live, what's out there in this world. Yes, he failed overall but he also ride a bike on a road, learnt how to paddle board, play cards, look after chickens, built a fence, coped with public transport, met a felon, helped a homeless man, got arrested... .the list goes on... .

10 years on he is still full of fear. He is not seeking treatment. But we reached a point that we could see we weren't doing him any favours by the way we were parenting him. We are trying a different way now all with the intention of getting him to be able to live a life independently.

It won't be a life we had planned for him, it most probably won't be the life he actually currently wants but he has to accept he's responsible for himself. He will leave home and live his life in the best way he can.

We've stopped reacting, we move forwards towards that goal.

I hope this helps you in some way.

[suzeeJ]

Hi Lollipop

Thank you so much for responding to me and for taking the time to share. I thought I have already come such a long way with my BPDd, but the more I read, the more I realize how very far I still have to go.

I feel like I'm at rock bottom. But granted I've been through too much. I lost my eldest daughter 8 years ago at the age of 12, and the second one, the BPD has always had issues, I just never could have imagined this!

HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS ?

[Lollypop]

Hi sj

I'm so very sorry to hear about your eldest daughter, it's something that a parent should never have to endure. My heart reaches out to you and your daughter.

I started my healing process when I realised I couldn't cope any longer.  A complete breakdown in my relationship with BPDs who I deeply resented. I was co-dependant.  I reached for help in FA - this was 4 years ago. All of my family and friends just didn't know what to say, they were sick and tired of me. The small beautiful group helped me understand I was powerless to change my son, I could only change myself. This was pre-diagnosis.

It was small baby steps. I got a support network in place where I felt safe. I started to live my own life, setting an example to both of my sons. I matter. I have a life. I have my own dreams. They have both watched and I know they are proud of the example I try and show them. I'm trying to demonstrate a life well lived. I don't live my life through them any more.

I'm learning to treat my adult BPDs as an adult, how can he learn how to be one otherwise? When I struggle I ask for help here, I can't always see clearly and I get the benefit of many views.

It was hard, it's still hard and I've put myself well out of my comfort zone. I sometimes feel overwhelmed but onwards I go as I fill my own life with things I enjoy doing. I'm happier and the knock on affect is my family is happier.

I ask how can we ask them to be brave, to grow, to develop, to change themselves if we aren't willing to do this ourselves?

Small baby steps SJ. You've made a start on this forum. You're among people who do truly understand. There's truth and honesty here and oh so much wisdom.

Ask away. Read and learn!

Take care of yourself and your daughter hopefully will learn how to do so too.

[Lollypop]

Hi SJ

I've just read your other post with more information about your situation. I'm not sure my reply above is of any help, I hope so.

Do you get any counselling or therapy?

Is your daughter in any therapy?

[suzeeJ]

Hi Lollipop

Thanks for the support and also for reading my other post. There is SO MUCH inside, I think you are right, I think I have made the first step and that is just to join this group of wonderful people, who also know pain and struggle.

I am hearing you, and I think you are extremely strong, and brave. You are certainly an incredible inspiration, and I pray that I will be able to get to that point of strength again, that I was once at.

As for therapy, my BPDd hasn't been in therapy for a couple of years, but THANK GOODNESS we have found a therapist who seems suitable and who she is comfortable with. I am so grateful and so relieved. She started just a month ago, but looks forward to her weekly visits.  She has however been under Psychiatric care, all the years, but not great. We are also meeting a new Psychiatrist tomorrow - who comes highly recommended. As I write this to you, I realize I HAVE taken a first few baby steps here!

Foung her a good therapist, hopefully finding a good Psychiatrist, looking for and joining an online group... .AND talking about this at ALL !

That's a good start after I realize how much I've been struggling the last few months.

I am not in therapy myself - yet. Too busy organizing all the kids in their therapies!

Thank you for everything. I have cried a lot today. But I think I'm ready to take a step forward again

[Rockieplace]

Hi there suzeeJ - I would just like to echo what Lollipop so eloquently expressed.  I'm so so sorry to hear of the loss of your eldest daughter.  How terrible for you.  No parent should have to suffer that.  I'm pleased to hear you have got your daughter in therapy.  This has to be a start of her building her confidence and starting her life as an adult, which she seems to be so afraid of.    She is young and can be helped to step out into the  world.  There is hope.  Lots and lots of hugs.  

[suzeeJ]

Rockiethread

Thank you so much for your support.

I pray she is still young enough to be able to be helped

[suzeeJ]

sorry... .meant Rockieplace