My mother may be a HCP

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I started reading this book called "Its all your fault" to help me deal with my ex however as I started reading it I started thinking about my mother.

BPD is one of the personalities that is considered to be high conflict or HCP for short. This book is reinforcing what I'm learning about my mother by posting on this board.

In my previous topic about a phone call from my brother triggering me I mentioned that my brother talked about the conflict between our mother and her neighbor. I had mentioned in an older topic that I had to flee my mother's garage the last time I went to see her because she started to talking to me about her neighbor and I felt trapped and had to go outside. I believe she felt rejected by me and thats why she's not returning my phone calls these days.

This book, Its all your fault, talks about how HCP start conflicts with their neighbors and then blame them. That sounds like what my mother does, yet if you were to listen to her she would say its not her fault, she's a victim.

It would make sense that I would choose a husband like my mother because that was the kind of conflict I was used to getting into. My mother always liked my ex and blamed me for his relapse, which I know I'm not responsible for.

This is a really great book so far. 

[unicorn2014]

I started reading this book called "Its all your fault" to help me deal with my ex however as I started reading it I started thinking about my mother.

BPD is one of the personalities that is considered to be high conflict or HCP for short. This book is reinforcing what I'm learning about my mother by posting on this board.

In my previous topic about a phone call from my brother triggering me I mentioned that my brother talked about the conflict between our mother and her neighbor. I had mentioned in an older topic that I had to flee my mother's garage the last time I went to see her because she started to talking to me about her neighbor and I felt trapped and had to go outside. I believe she felt rejected by me and thats why she's not returning my phone calls these days.

This book, Its all your fault, talks about how HCP start conflicts with their neighbors and then blame them. That sounds like what my mother does, yet if you were to listen to her she would say its not her fault, she's a victim.

It would make sense that I would choose a husband like my mother because that was the kind of conflict I was used to getting into. My mother always liked my ex and blamed me for his relapse, which I know I'm not responsible for.

This is a really great book so far. 

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the book recommendation

People with BPD indeed often struggle in (personal) relationships resulting in a higher likelihood of conflict.

Has this book perhaps also shown you new strategies for dealing with your mother? Perhaps new ways of interacting with her that might reduce the level of conflict?

It would make sense that I would choose a husband like my mother because that was the kind of conflict I was used to getting into. My mother always liked my ex and blamed me for his relapse, which I know I'm not responsible for.

This is something many members have posted about. Some members have started out on others boards only to later realize that their own parents are/were disordered which influenced them in later life as they got into relationships. Not necessarily because they like the conflict, but more because this was all they were used to and in a sense felt 'normal'.

You indeed aren't responsible for your ex relapsing. Why is it do you think your mother likes your ex so? Do you perhaps feel she liked the way he was treating you?

Perhaps it's also because she is so used to the conflict that she too felt most comfortable when you were involved with another high conflict individual just like your mother. Do you think that might be what was going on?

[unicorn2014]

Thanks for the book recommendation

People with BPD indeed often struggle in (personal) relationships resulting in a higher likelihood of conflict.

Has this book perhaps also shown you new strategies for dealing with your mother? Perhaps new ways of interacting with her that might reduce the level of conflict?

Hi Kwamina, I just started reading the book so I don't know. Actually the first insight I got was about myself, I have turned into a high conflict person in my closest relationships. I do know that when I was younger I lacked the skill set to not fight with my mother, and, I couldn't just walk away as a minor. Now I can as an adult.

It would make sense that I would choose a husband like my mother because that was the kind of conflict I was used to getting into. My mother always liked my ex and blamed me for his relapse, which I know I'm not responsible for.

This is something many members have posted about. Some members have started out on others boards only to later realize that their own parents are/were disordered which influenced them in later life as they got into relationships. Not necessarily because they like the conflict, but more because this was all they were used to and in a sense felt 'normal'.

I've always known my family was dysfunctional but it wasn't until last year that I learned that my dad was narcissistic, and now I'm learning that my mom is high conflict. My first husband was definitely high conflict, he was in a  gang before he met me and he had a history of domestic violence.

You indeed aren't responsible for your ex relapsing. Why is it do you think your mother likes your ex so? Do you perhaps feel she liked the way he was treating you?

My mom likes my ex because of his race, my father says that's why she gives him a pass. My ex is a very likable, nice person, if you like that kind of thing. Underneath the surface he's an immature victim, but that's only if you care to get that far.

My mother liked the fact she could pawn me off on my ex. When I got out of Americorps in my early 20s rather then let me come back home for a few months to get my feet back on the ground, she made me go live with my ex who found us a place to live with a racist drug dealer whom I had to call the police on after he verbally accosted me. That was the only time I've ever called the police as an adult because of a individual not in my family.

Perhaps it's also because she is so used to the conflict that she too felt most comfortable when you were involved with another high conflict individual just like your mother. Do you think that might be what was going on?

I think that's probably closer to the truth. My mom likes drama and there was always plenty of drama with my ex.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

Hi Kwamina, I just started reading the book so I don't know. Actually the first insight I got was about myself, I have turned into a high conflict person in my closest relationships. I do know that when I was younger I lacked the skill set to not fight with my mother, and, I couldn't just walk away as a minor. Now I can as an adult.

Being able to recognize these things in yourself is important because only then will you be able to start working on them. As adults we indeed have more options available to us and walking away instead of partaking in the drama is often very wise. Are there also other things you have learned to help you resolve conflicts in a more constructive way? Particularly when dealing with conflicts in close personal relationships?

I've always known my family was dysfunctional but it wasn't until last year that I learned that my dad was narcissistic, and now I'm learning that my mom is high conflict. My first husband was definitely high conflict, he was in a  gang before he met me and he had a history of domestic violence.

What really made your realize your dad was narcissistic? Was it a specific thing he did or more like a gradual light bulb moment in which you for the first time was able to see him clearly for the person he really is?

Your first husband's history definitely sounds quite problematic and I can understand why it would then make you extra uncomfortable that your mother liked him so and actually still likes him to this day.

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014

Hi Kwamina, I just started reading the book so I don't know. Actually the first insight I got was about myself, I have turned into a high conflict person in my closest relationships. I do know that when I was younger I lacked the skill set to not fight with my mother, and, I couldn't just walk away as a minor. Now I can as an adult.

Being able to recognize these things in yourself is important because only then will you be able to start working on them. As adults we indeed have more options available to us and walking away instead of partaking in the drama is often very wise. Are there also other things you have learned to help you resolve conflicts in a more constructive way? Particularly when dealing with conflicts in close personal relationships?

I am trying very hard to implement the BIFF method of communication. I'm also working very hard on my 10th step in ACA as well as trying to pick up my cross and walk. In terms of close personal relationships its very challenging as all the people I'm close with are high conflict people. One of the laundry list traits of adult children (of disordered parents) is being addicted to excitement which could also be defined as conflict or drama. I'm trying to remember what I learned on the deciding and conflicted boards in terms of my close relationships. I'm trying very hard to have good boundaries with the people I'm close with and it is very hard to do so.

I've always known my family was dysfunctional but it wasn't until last year that I learned that my dad was narcissistic, and now I'm learning that my mom is high conflict. My first husband was definitely high conflict, he was in a  gang before he met me and he had a history of domestic violence.

What really made your realize your dad was narcissistic? Was it a specific thing he did or more like a gradual light bulb moment in which you for the first time was able to see him clearly for the person he really is?

It was my second to last therapist giving me the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for NPD in regards to my dad.

Your first husband's history definitely sounds quite problematic and I can understand why it would then make you extra uncomfortable that your mother liked him so and actually still likes him to this day.

Yes but fortunately I don't have a lot of contact with my mother so I'm not reminded of it often. I'm more having problems with my daughter manipulating her father and triangulating him. That's more challenging since I live with her.