Currently in D process with uBPD Husband. Never been so relieved to sign papers

[WhatARelief36]

Hello, I am so glad to have found this group. After searching for so long, and coming across many forums, columns, and blogs about BPD, I finally feel comfortable posting. Even though my stbx husband(signed the papers 2wks ago) is undiagnosed, there is no doubt in my mind that he has BPD. I'm no therapist but by now I probably could be after all the information I have discovered. It's unfortunate that I have found relief during my divorce process and him moving out, still a struggle to deal with the interaction with him, as he is so wishy washy, argumentative and what I call emotionally inappropriate. He totally denies anything is wrong with him,would never seek the proper help to deal with his inner turmoil... .He's active duty military and is pretty high ranking. What bothered me the most is that I know if his superiors told him to get evaluated or seek therapy he would in a heartbeat, but his spouse(me) mentioning it is a no-go. Although, I believe he would just retire just so none of his military comrades would find out... .I'm not innocent by any means, but I had tried until the anxiety, eggshells, and the roller coaster turned me into a different person... .We met in 1997(I was 16, he was 18) he quickly said he loved me after such a short time. Married in 2001, the only reason that took so long was because he deployed to his first duty station, and I said let's wait... .Lots of excuses made for his actions, and interactions... .So blind! I will admit, I always felt as though something was off kilter, but could never place it... .Prayer has helped me to deal like no other... .Nice to find solace in this also.

[livednlearned]

Hi WhatARelief36,

I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here.

It sounds like you made progress, and he has signed the papers. Do you have kids?

Keep posting. It really does help. 

LnL

[ForeverDad]

I recall comments here from many years ago that said some people with BPD (pwBPD) do well in military since there are rules and patterns they have to abide by, a very structured life.  The difference with you is that (1) he doesn't feel he needs to treat you better or follow behavioral rules and (2) the close relationship means he would have to get past the huge amount of emotional baggage of the relationship to really listen to you.  In other words, the closer the relationship, the more evident the poor PD behaviors become.

As much as I am a proponent of marriage, I've had to admit that a marriage cannot be abusive, unhealthy or dysfunctional if it is to survive.  It's sad to say 'survive'... .it ought to be 'prosper'. :'(

As Star Trek's Mr Spock spoke, Live long and prosper.  It's so sad that it will have to be after this failed marriage.

[WhatARelief36]

Hi LnL,

          Thanks for the welcome. Just to clarify, he served me with D papers, and after having a consultation with a GREAT lawyer to make sure everything was in order, I went ahead and signed. We agreed on the parenting plan, so that was the major issue for me. I must say after reading everything that I have on BPD/kids/divorce, I am grateful that this has gone this smoothly... .I hope I'm not speaking to soon though. He definitely has his moments. He is very, very, very big on perception and always has been. Also, to him appearances are everything, so no one he works with knows that we were even in the process of a D, let alone signing papers. Everyone important to me knows what is happening, and what has happened. This has been a back and forth cycle for years now(at least the last 4-5 for sure). Each time he had to deploy he went cold, and would start chaos/drama/arguments/rage... .I was so clueless as to wth had just happened each time. Anyway, divorce has been on and off the table for 4-5 years as I said, and each time I began to except it and start living my life, he would reverse it and say let's not D... .Well, after this last time I could feel him trying to come back(weasel), I ran and signed those papers... .I have never had any health issues besides a Total Thyroidectomy(guess that is kinda major) in 2009, but for the past 1-2 years I had started to feel sharp shooting pains to the left side of my neck, during a doc appt, I asked about it, Doc said it was stress, and to get rid of it... .Anywho, I haven't had a sharp/shooting anything since I SIGNED THOSE PAPERS. I have 2 kids with him btw. He seems to be a great dad, I just hope it stays that way... .He seems to be in a reinventing himself kind of stage at the moment, he's had low self esteem since a child, now he is trying to fix everything on the outside... .

ForeverDad,

      I totally agree, he is all about structure. I really don't know what he would do without the Military, he has constant admiration there. And without that, I think he'd be lost.